


From the Ashes

by KristaRabbit, TheChampion04



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Canon, Angst, Arguing, Awkwardness, Blood and Gore, Character Death, Confusion, Denial of Feelings, Desire, Dominance, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Feels, Fights, First Kiss, Fluff, Friendship/Love, I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Imprisonment, Large Cock, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rage, Regret, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Rough Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Violence, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-03-04 22:28:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 115,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3093770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KristaRabbit/pseuds/KristaRabbit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChampion04/pseuds/TheChampion04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Kirkwall that helped start the Mage/Templar war, Hawke finds herself alone with most of her family and friends gone. She crosses paths with the former Arishok, now disgraced and exiled, and together they find purpose again. Their adventures lead them to the Inquisition, to self discovery, and perhaps to something between them that neither of them saw coming.</p><p>This work started as an idea of a roleplay between KristaRabbit and TheChampion04. It then turned into something far more than either of us anticipated. We fell in love all over again with two of Dragon Age's most well known characters and the world we were creating with them. We hope you enjoy reading our story as much as we are enjoying writing it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The phoenix must burn to emerge.” ―Janet Fitch, White Oleander

The former Arishok turned his gaze slowly upwards, his fingers tight around the short sword's grip. The tip of the blade was pierced into his skin over his heart, causing a thin stream of blood to roll down his abdomen. He only needed to push it in deeper to make its target cease to beat. But now, tiny human hands were pulling on his wrists, denying him of his release from this world. Who would dare? His gaze settled on two wide, blue eyes filled with determination and purpose.

He recognized the face staring back at him immediately. Hawke; of course it would be her. Many years passed since he had last seen her. She looked aged and tired, but still very much the woman he remembered. The look of confusion he held slowly turned into a frown and pulled the dagger away from her, keeping it close to him. How was she even here? He had been careful, covering his tracks and moving only by the cover of darkness. He chose his place of death carefully; a cove along the shore, hidden from prying eyes. Apparently he had misjudged the reach of Hawke's associates. Even after all the time that had passed, she still continued to surprise him.

"Leave me," he growled out, less than pleased at having been interrupted. He wasn’t even sure Hawke would still live in the area. So much time had passed since he left, the chances were slim. Yet here she was, standing before him now out of nowhere. A small part of him was relieved to find her still alive and well, but he wished she had stayed away. He didn’t want her to see him this way. That was why he had chosen to stay away from the city of Kirkwall in the end, even after traveling for many months to get here.

"Don't you know me at all? Please, don’t do this," Hawke replied as calmly as possible, though she felt anything but. She knelt down into the sand to meet his face and placed her hands gently around his in an attempt to loosen his grip on the weapon he was using to hurt himself with. This was something she could not allow. Their last meeting had been tense and devastating, but he was still a person who meant a great deal to her despite that. She didn’t know how he was here, or why, but she would not receive answers if she was unable to stop him. “This is not your path.”

She was shaken from the mere sight of him. He was no longer the all-powerful barbaric leader of the Qunari army, only a husk of his former self. If she had passed him on the streets, she may have not even recognized him. He was so thin and worn it nearly brought tears to her eyes. What had happened to him? What would drive such a proud creature to make an attempt on his own life?

Her shock over seeing him was immense. She never expected to again; not after the way they left things so many years ago. When her scouts told her they had spotted him along the coast, she nearly fell over in surprise. She hadn’t believed them, certain they were mistaken. His home in Par Vollen was so far from here. There was no logical reason for him to be back, yet he was. The very idea of it was so farfetched, it seemed like a dream instead of reality. Had he really come all this way just to plunge a blade into his heart? None of this made sense to her.

"What would YOU know of my path, Bas?" he spit back at her, irritated with her for thinking asking him nicely would deter him. Nobody, not even she, could help him. His purpose had been ripped away from him by the very people he had sworn his life to. He had been branded Tal Vashoth and shunned. But, he would not _be_ Tal Vashoth; it went against everything he stood for. He thought perhaps he could come to her for assistance, but when he approached the city reality hit him. There was nothing she could do. He didn't want her, or anyone else’s, pity. Ending his life was the only way. What he wanted was to become Nothing; he was already such in name since he had been stripped of his title. "You know nothing of the Qun. Now be gone and let me do what I came here for!"

The knowledge of what he intended to do caused panic to build within Hawke, but she forced herself to appear unnerved by his harshness. She didn’t want to cause tensions to rise; only calm him down enough for him to listen to reason. She wanted to hug him, to tell him everything was okay, and beg him to reconsider, but she knew better than to coddle the once almighty leader.

He was wrong. She understood him and his Qun more than most. She doubted few others had even bothered to take the time. In all the years they were in one another's company, she had always tried her best to see things through his eyes and remain considerate of him and his demands. Never once did she judge him. All those years learning to read the man taught her how to deal with him. As a result, she knew that trying to be kind to him would be useless right now. He responded to action, caring not for emotions or consoling words.

She took in a deep breath and quickly snatched the blade from his grip, flinging blood as it pulled from his skin. She hurled it away from them and watched it cut deep into the sand a safe distance away. Before he could react, she reached up and gripped his massive shoulders, speaking firmly. "You are a warrior and you are stronger than this! I don’t know what happened to you, but dying is not the answer. I know you; you still have fight left. Don't waste your life like this." She couldn't tell how her words came across to him; she only hoped they would mean something.

His stern gaze softened slightly. He reminded himself that she was from a different world than he. Of course she would not see the reasoning behind his decision. But, she was worthy of his respect and he could only try his best to help her understand. It mattered not that she did not wish to hear it, she had to.

"Basalit-an, I was exiled due to my actions when I was last here. I am no longer of the Qun. I have lost the faith that it provided me. I have no fight left. I am known as Nothing, for I have nothing but this _choice_ that was forced upon me. I am using that choice to remove myself from the uncertainty of this world. I am at peace with it," he told her, his voice much less harsh now. The woman was relentless in her need to change things, to make everything better. But how could she possibly make THIS better? There _was_ no better for him. Couldn't she see that, for him, this path carried more value than living? This was what he wanted.

She stared at him and shook her head, her eyes filling with sadness. It was hard to imagine him without his title of Arishok. That was all she had ever known him as. Hearing that he had been shunned by the people he was so proud to be a part of was distressing. She could see now why he felt the way he did, but that didn’t mean she agreed with his actions. "I won’t let you," she told him as steadfastly as she could manage, as if her opinion ranked higher than his last will and testament. "I will do what I must to stop you," she added before releasing him and stepping away. A sudden idea came to her, but it was a dangerous one, possibly the stupidest thing she had done in a long while. She felt it necessary if she were to have any chance of saving the man she once called friend.

She reached up, her fingers gliding along the grooves of the duel blades strapped to her back as she pulled them slowly out of their sheaths.  "If you want to leave this world, then I am afraid you will have to fight me for that right," she informed him with a solemn voice. With that, she twisted on her feet and was immediately in battle stance to show the seriousness of her statement; ready to attack with every desperate strike she could lay.  "Your Qun demands you honor a challenge, yes? One last battle to prove your worth. If I win, you swear your allegiance to me. If you win, you can go back to your sacrificial nonsense.”

His eyes roamed over her, his lips moving into a thin line. She wished to fight him? For what? She had nothing to gain and he had nothing to lose. There was no logic behind such an act. Did she not remember what happened the last time they went head to head in battle?

He wanted to die, but he would not take her with him. He frowned deeper, as if that were possible, and straightened his shoulders. "You challenge me for my right to take my own life? To die with the last of my dignity intact? You, an advocate for making one's own choices and living with the consequences? Hawke, you flail at nothing. My servitude would gain you nothing. Where could you go with me at your side that would not earn you scorn and contempt? There is no benefit in this for you. You act out of emotion, rather than thought," he told her, his voice colder than ever.

He lowered his head and stared down at his knees, wondering why she even wasted her time. She showed nothing but relief upon his past departure. Or, if she felt otherwise, she did not show it. Yet here she was, ready to fight him just to ensure he lived on. Why? Why such emotion on his behalf? He did not understand feelings, yet he found himself dealing with them more than he ever had in his life. Before he met Hawke, he never dealt with them at all. It was confusing. Would it always be like this? _Should_ he live beyond this day? He sighed and shook his head. All these questions. He longed for the time when he had none.

Upon hearing his words, Hawke let out a small chuckle. It came off as if it she were mocking him, but that was not her intention. She merely found it ironic that he would throw her own words back at her to justify his death. He had a point, for the first time in his life he was exercising his right to make up his own mind and he should be able to. But, choosing to die was a coward’s way out and this man was definitely no coward. From what she could see, he was merely lost and needed to find his way. She would have none of this. She looked at him with a smirk and twisted her blades in her hands.

"Since when have I ever cared about who scorns in my direction?" she asked, knowing he would have no answer to that. "I am the Champion of Kirkwall. After everything I have done for this city, no one will dare question who I choose to have in my company. You will be a useful ally. If I say you fight for me, then that is what will happen. If that makes me selfish or a target for gossip, then so be it. I will no longer argue with you. Either get up and fight me, or feel the sting of my blades."

She took a deep breath and wasted no more time. Before he could speak, she was charging at him with a fierceness that she was all too familiar with. She REALLY hoped this idea of hers worked. She had no desire to be skewered like a Nug about to be set over the fire for dinner.

He stood then, mostly out of instinct. Only a few seconds passed as she closed distance between them, but it felt like much longer to him. He briefly wondered if he should just remain still and let her sink her blades into his chest. It would still have the desired effect he wanted, wouldn't it?

No, no it would not. _He_ had made this choice and he had to follow through with it. He did not understand her. She stopped him from taking his own life and now she wanted to rob him of that honor by doing it herself? Unless....

_Of course_. She was bluffing; calling him out and trying to deceive him into indenturing himself to her. He frowned and snapped an arm out, gripping her by the wrist and lifting her into the air by it before her weapon could connect with his flesh. Such a tiny creature, yet she yielded such power. How she managed to so do would always cease to amaze him. It would be so easy for him to simply crush her hand in his own and follow suit with the rest of her, but he was no fool. He knew by now that it was very unwise to underestimate this ferocious little human. Many had made that mistake before. They were no longer of this world.

"Hawke," he said in an almost scolding tone, wise now to what she was up to. "You will not kill me.” He slowly lowered her to her feet and stared down at her with a most perplexed expression on his face. Surely she could see that he was not worth her time. "I serve none; not any longer. Your manipulations will not bring me into your service."

She was completely thrown off by his actions. Not attacking her was a surprise in itself, but what shocked her even more was his suggestion that she had ulterior motives. She would never seek to deceive him, only help show him what was already inside of himself. She was desperate to salvage what was left of the warrior she knew; the soul that she knew. He was worth more than a duty to serve. She knew with an immense passion that he existed to serve a far greater purpose than the Qun itself. How could she make him see this? How did one motivate someone born into a belief that would demand such a sacrifice? She didn't want him to die!

She felt tears begin to flood her eyes and tried desperately to hold them back. He did not appreciate weakness, but she was running out of strength to battle her emotions. She had lost so much. The idea of losing him too, even if they hadn’t seen each other in nearly a decade, terrified her. She couldn't lose anyone else; she just couldn't. She turned her face away to hide the fear that sought to betray the strength she wanted to show him, but she was certain he had already seen. She hoped he would not think less of her. He probably already did.

At this point, she could only hope he would realize that her attack on him was her way of showing him he still had fight left within himself. It was not some deceitful attempt on her behalf to trick him into serving her; the very idea was insulting. She clenched her fist in his grip, her sadness turning to anger. This was her way of dealing with any pain she felt these days. Taking the hurt and making it rage. Rage could be dissipated, pain lingered until it choked you. 

"Manipulate you?!" she suddenly shouted at him, her blue eyes flashing. "Why would you accuse me of such a thing? I have done everything you ever asked of me! You think I catered to you because of your precious Qun?! Not a chance in Thedas! I did it because I believe in YOU and what YOU'RE capable of! Never in my life had I met a more worthy opponent; nay, a bloody friend!" Hawke ripped her hand away from the grip she nearly forgot he still possessed, then shoved him in the gut as if she could move the mountain. Then, the inevitable happened and she began to lose herself with her emotions; her tears now streaming. She hated herself for it, but she could no longer hold them back. 

She faced away from him out of embarrassment and hugged herself tight. She hated to cry and never had in front of anyone before, with the exception of the day she had lost her mother. Flashes of that memory surfaced just for a second, and she gripped her own arms harshly. She stayed silent for a moment with her back to him while she regained her composure and was able to find her words. She appreciated him waiting quietly until she did so. Once the panic that threatened her began to fade, she took a deep breath and spoke to him in a softer tone. 

"The truth is, I'm not trying to stop you simply because I believe in your path. I'm here because I care. I _am_ still your friend and I want to help you," she confessed, her throat growing tight. "Letting you die just isn't right."

Hawke barely had enough courage to face him again, but she did anyway so he could see the desperation in her eyes. She never prayed to the Maker so desperately in her life; for the Arishok to look past his beliefs and see the hope of a new start staring him in the face.

He stared down at her, unnerved by her actions. Hawke had always been such a composed individual, even in the face of chaos. It was one of the things that had made him respect her so much while he still resided in Kirkwall. She was the embodiment of strength. In fact, he could not recall ever encountering one not of the Qun who was as infallible as she. Seeing her standing before him now with tears in her eyes was most unsettling to him. How could _he_ incite such emotion in this warrior? This Basalit-an?

He cleared his throat and moved his gaze to the blade still stuck upright in the sand, rubbing the spot she had shoved on his stomach. Carefully, he slowly moved to it and picked it up, staring down at it. What value did she see in him that he did not see in himself? He glanced to her, noting the look on her face. The....fear? Over what? Him? He had seen many Bas look at him in fear, but not quite like this. He furrowed his brows and examined her expression, frustrated that he could not read her; that he did not understand this language of emotion so many spoke. The Qun had no need for it. It was a useless thing that caused individuals to question their place, but now he found himself wishing he could comprehend it, if nothing else so he could understand why Hawke reacted this way to him.

He gripped the blade tighter, questioning himself yet again. He had been so certain, so sure that this is what he wanted. That small bit of certainty regained had comforted him. It brought him peace as he pushed the blade into his skin. Then along came Hawke to the rescue and now he was wondering if he was doing the right thing. Why did he _have_ to wonder? Why couldn't it be laid out before him as it had always been? Also, how did this woman have such impeccable timing? He swallowed hard and growled in his throat, more confused than he had ever been in his life. Perhaps, maybe...he could at least try to understand. What else did he have to do? With a sigh he licked his dried lips before looking away, not wanting to see the way her eyes pleaded with him any longer. It made him feel odd.

"What do you see in me...? Why all this effort for a disgraced Nothing...?" he asked, his voice cautious and filled with genuine curiosity. He couldn’t help but be fascinated by her perseverance. It made him wonder if he had, in fact, made the right choice by traveling here. Maybe his instincts had brought him here for a reason.

Hawke could only smile slightly at his question while quickly wiping tears from her cheeks. How many times had she asked the same question about herself?  She blamed herself for so much. There was many a time when she felt like nothing, when she questioned her existence. There were even moments where she considered taking her own life. She understood far more than the Arishok would ever realize. She knew what it was like to want it all to end, but she would never allow herself to go out that way. She owed it to everyone she had lost to stay and fight. She could not let any of their deaths to be in vain. She looked at the looming man beside her and swallowed hard. If she had any say in it, she would not be adding him to the list of the dead. 

However, Hawke knew swaying someone from such an act was nearly impossible. They had to _want_ it. If Ketojan had been any indication of what the Qun stood for, Hawke was prepared for all the excuses. That day on the Wounded Coast was a bitter memory. She recalled how useless she felt trying to convince a slave of his importance to the world. This moment was no different, and yet it was.

The Arishok had gained her utmost trust. She had grown to respect him as a friend and they had developed a rapport in the past. Losing Ketojan was an inevitable tragedy, but Hawke felt obligated to never lose another soul she cared for again. Not this time. She wasn't going to back down. Emotions were all she had left to give, she couldn't fight him, she couldn't stop him, but Maker be damned if she couldn't persuade him.

"I don't see disgrace in you, I only see myself," Hawke replied with self-deprecation laced in her tone. She put her daggers away and walked over to a nearby rock to take a seat in hopes to sway the tension between them. "I came here with what little family I had left; I lost my brother to the blight; lost my mother to blood magic, and so many others I cared for. I felt I was left with nothing. I blamed myself for many things that happened here; still do."

She kept her gaze off of him at first. He was a very intimidating figure even when he wasn't trying to be. This was the Arishok that had nearly sacked Kirkwall with nothing but a small army, and here she was pouring her heart out at him. That was daunting to say the least. She needed to face him though, to show him she was serious about her next words. She took a few moments to work up her courage then finally forced herself to look him right in the eyes with all the confidence she could muster.

"I keep fighting. I use it to push myself forward in their honor. That's what drives me. If you die it means you have nothing left to give; that you no longer serve a purpose. That's not true. You can start over. You can have a new purpose to replace the one you’ve lost," she told him before clearing her throat and looking down at her feet, unable to meet his cold stare a second longer. “I can show you how if you let me. I’ll take you somewhere safe.”

He remained silent for several tense moments, contemplating all she had said. Years ago, when he’d first met this woman he would have agreed with her. He would have told her that everything was her fault; that she lost her family because of her own actions. He would have suggested she give herself to the certainty of the Qun, so she would not have to make foolish decisions that would hurt her or those around her. He would have believed that without question simply because the Qun said so.

He closed his eyes and released a long sigh. Doubt was invading every part of him and he was slowly beginning to realize he knew less than nothing about the world outside of the bubble he was raised in. He started to see it in Kirkwall long ago, how different things were outside the Qun. He hated it back then, despised the very idea of all these lost beings walking around without purpose, causing despair and pain everywhere they went. Because the Qun said he should. But, where had the Qun gotten him?

He sighed again and opened his eyes, slowly putting the short sword back in its sheath on his hip. For this moment, he knew how Hawke felt. He could relate to a human. What was this world coming to? Soon she would have him skipping through fields while they held hands and sang tavern hymns. He snorted and shook his head at the thought before glancing to her once more.

He didn't believe her. He could never find the purpose he had felt with the Qun. She was wrong, but damn it all if she didn't believe her own words with the same determination she had always shown.

He would end his life eventually, but his being here for now seemed to mean a great deal to her. Likewise, it seemed a waste for him to travel such a huge distance only to have it be for nothing. He came here to see her, for reasons unknown to him, and now he had. Even though his death wish came before he made contact with her, he could still wait to see what happened.  Once her efforts to assist him in some new revelation about his existence failed, he could resume with his plans. But for now, out of respect for his.....friend? Is that what she had referred to them as? He would humor her and allow her to feel as if she had done everything she could for him. He would follow her around like a corpse following a necromancer if it made her happy. That's all he was after all. The Arishok he used to be was dead.

"So where are we going?" he asked, a slight rigid smile touching his lips.

Hawke practically radiated with excitement when she heard those words. She had done it! She stopped him. This was the first truly virtuous moment to have happened to her since….that day. Hawke shook her head ferociously, pushing the memories back. This was a time to be happy that she had saved a person from certain death, not dwell on what she’d lost.

She wanted to run to him and hug the giant fool, but instead paced towards him with light steps, possibly out of nervousness. She still knew what the behemoth was capable of. He could easily squash her into jelly. She couldn't believe such a powerful Qunari, or technically a Tal Vashoth, had let her influence him. She would have to get used to this arrangement. She would have to be very careful what she said and did around him at first, taking special care not to refer to him as Arishok or Qunari. She didn’t imagine that would go over well with him. She knew how seriously they took their titles.

The last thing Hawke wanted was for him to feel inferior to the leader he once was. It upset her that he had been cast out, but she couldn’t say she was surprised. His attack on Kirkwall was a personal vendetta, not the will of his precious Qun. It seemed he had more and paid for his actions, though, so she didn’t feel the need to bring up what had happened in the past. Despite everything, she would still keep his dignity meticulously and carefully intact at all times. Hawke would continue to respect him as she had always done. If he needed her to listen to him, she would. If he needed her for _anything_ , she wouldn't hesitate to do all that she could.

Now that the danger had passed, she moved her cunning gaze over him to get a better look at how much he had changed. He looked completely worn down, nothing close to the mighty barbarian commander he used to be. His skin was littered with way more scars than she remembered and his painted markings were messy and smudged. His hair was filthy and unkempt, he was skin and bones, and his Arishok's armor was gone, making him look so much less daunting. There was nothing left to indicate he had once been a mighty and powerful leader. His people had taken everything from him.

She sighed softly and wished things had been different for him. She did not believe he deserved this, though many would disagree with her. He had caused a lot of damage. That didn’t matter anymore. Kirkwall was fine and now he had a chance to make a new life for himself. She was determined to help him start it off on the right foot. First, she needed to put food in his belly then get him cleaned up and looking more like the proud beast she knew him to be. It looked, and smelled, as if he hadn't cleaned himself in weeks. 

She smiled up at him and cleared her throat, happy they were on the right track. "We're going to Kirkwall obviously. But, if you're coming with me you need to clean yourself up a bit. You are absolutely filthy." She paused for a moment to note his ribs protruding almost unnaturally. “Once we get you situated we’ll head over to The Hanged Man and get you something to eat and a room to stay. That is the best place to go for anyone needing to lay low for a while.”

He looked at her and blinked. Was she insane? He eyed her up and down. That was debatable, but actually wanting to take him _into_ the city was just asking for trouble. "Hawke, I do not wish to be around your kind right now. There was a reason I hid out here on the outskirts of the Kirkwall instead of just strolling down its streets. What I did will not have left their minds. Do you honestly see parading me around like a prized mount in front of them turning out well?" he asked, genuinely shocked that she would even consider being seen with him at her side in the city he nearly destroyed.

Hawke let out a bit of charming laughter. He was always so serious and she was very much amused he would assume Kirkwall held grudges. Besides, it had been around seven years or so since anyone had last seen him, and he was almost completely unrecognizable now. She doubted anyone had _that_ good of a memory. The only reason _she_ was so quick to identify the beast was because she had spent massive amounts of time with him. She still remembered the talks they used to have that lasted far into the night, sometimes even until sunrise. She knew him better than anyone in Kirkwall. Most had not even been able to get close enough to him for a good look.

“Time has healed old wounds since your—since the Antaam left Kirkwall after the siege," she told him with a serious expression. "You’d be surprised how often your race is seen throughout the city. There are many mercenaries about, not to mention the new hire they have at the Blooming Rose in High Town. Boy, did that rouse up a stir.” Hawke began to laugh from the memory of the day she had gone to fetch her uncle Gamlen there and saw all the attention the Qunari was getting, but she slowly drew it back when she saw no signs of reciprocated amusement in the Arishok’s expression.

He worried far too much. In reality, she could do whatever she pleased without much backlash. She was the Viscount after all. She eyed him and wondered how he would take that little piece of information. He hated the last one. That much was evident when he so cruelly sliced the poor man’s head from his shoulders. He would most likely have a negative reaction to her news.

It wasn't the end of the world, but for now she would avoid anything that could cause negative emotions. The important thing was getting him back on his feet. She smiled quickly and cleared her throat, wanting to keep the mood light. "Anyway, one in my care won’t ruffle too many feathers I can assure you. Besides, I doubt anyone will even recognize you. You can trust me. I’m actually surprised that you still doubt me. When have I ever disappointed you?”

Hawke placed two accusing hands on her hips, being more overly dramatic than was necessary, but naturally, she didn't care in the slightest.

He snorted and picked up the few things he had with him before moving towards the water. "How many times? Let's see, would you like me to make a list? Perhaps your tiny friend can turn it into a novel when I am done." he told her drolly, though his lips turned upwards at the corners just slightly before straightening out again.

He cleared his throat and resumed his serious demeanor before kneeing in the sand once small waves crashed around his ankles. He had to admit, having the company of the only human he really respected was pleasant in a way, even if it was doomed to be short lived. He always did find some off sense of amusement by watching this tiny being wield so much power and influence over everyone around her.

Turning his attention away from her, he dipped his hands into the water and slowly pushed them up his arms, washing away the lingering smears of Vitaar on them. Until a few days ago, he had maintained his routine of painting himself out of sheer stubbornness. He had trouble letting go of the custom because the Vitaar had always been a part of him. It was almost painful to watch it leave his skin and cease to be. He knew it had to be done if he were going to travel with Hawke so he would not be recognized, but it was as if he were washing away the final pieces of the Qunari; the Qunari he would never again be.

He sighed and willed the thoughts from his mind before pushing water over his exposed chest next. Hawke was right; he should be more presentable even if he had nothing or no one to impress. Besides, he was probably offending her nose at this point. It had been many sunrises since he groomed himself. He had no reason to. Corpses had no need to be appealing.

Meanwhile, Hawke stood back watching the show. If she didn't know any better she would've thought he was being a bit facetious. She eyed him with a raised eyebrow. Had he actually made a smartass comment towards her? _That_ was new. She couldn't help but let out a vague laugh, which didn't last long once she found herself suddenly staring intently at the Arishok. Witnessing him running his hands up, down, and around the surface of his ashen skin glistening from the ocean spray was...well...

She cleared her throat and told herself to look away, but herself didn't listen. He was still a beautiful creature despite his half-starved state. She always did find their race to be captivating and gorgeous, chiseled to perfection. Their physique alone was distracting enough, not to mention their poise and the unbelievable grace they possessed; even when in full attack mode. They were proud, and powerful. Surely she was not the only one who found such characteristics desirable? 

She’d grown accustomed to them for a few years now and admired their culture in many ways; aside from their less forgiving barbaric behaviors. Watching the Arishok wash away the body paint that was once a symbol of his entire belief system and status was a surreal moment for her. She knew it couldn't be easy for him, but he was strong and Hawke was confident he would bounce back from this. She stood patiently, if not a bit awkwardly, and watched as the red dye poured from his body in streaks. It vaguely resembled blood as it formed a deep read pool around him in the shallow water. 

That’s when a vivid memory hit her hard. Hawke’s vision began to sway into a stupor and she tried to blink away the dizziness, but it was no use. Grave images began to flash before her eyes. The longer she stood staring at the crimson colored water the stronger they became, but she couldn't force her eyes away. Glimpses of golden strands of hair lying in a puddle of freshly spilled blood became all too real. She could see Anders like he was right there in front of her, blue eyes staring blankly forward, and never moving…

Hawke swallowed the tightness blocking her airway and looked down at one shaking hand, while the other ran itself through her black disheveled hair. She tried hard to hold back the painful images, but nothing was stopping them. All she could see was the faint glimmer of the bloodstained knife in her hands. She shouldn't have done it. She would give anything to take it back. Her heart clenched. It was all her fault. But, it was the death he wanted…the death that was needed…but not for her…never for her.

Hawke could no longer see the world around her, her vision became completely disorienting, and her knees began to buckle and teeter through the water as she tried her best not to collapse. She found herself fading, seeing nothing but the void before her. The last thing she felt was the icy cold waves of the ocean crash and wash over her as she passed out cold with the smell of sand and sea salt rushing onto her face.

 

* * *

 

 

The former Arishok glanced over to Hawke, who had been unconscious for far too long for his liking. She was lucky he had been there when she blacked out or she'd be dead. Wouldn't _that_ be a sad ending to the legend that was the Champion of Kirkwall; to die face down in shallow water? It was almost insulting. He reached over and stoked the fire he built for them at the well-hidden camp he’d been using since he arrived back in the Free Marches. She was resting sound now, but not long ago she seemed very troubled; tossing about and mumbling strange things in her sleep. What demons haunted this woman to induce such an intense episode? It seemed he was not the only one who had endured much since their last meeting.

He knew well of what had happened to Hawke while he resided in Kirkwall, but after his departure he only heard small things here and there. Honestly, he had been far too preoccupied dealing with his banishment to learn more of her beyond idle gossip passed on. Once he was exiled, he heard tales of the mage uprising and the fall of the Knight Commander while he rested in a tavern one evening. That was the first time he had braved being in public since leaving Seheron, and the stories other travelers passed along were interesting indeed. He also picked up talk of a conclave being destroyed and a new Inquisition being started. He wondered if Hawke had plans to join it, considering her companion had played a large part in beginning the war that plagued the lands.

He knew how she worked. Even if it wasn't directly her fault, she would feel responsible and do what she could to help. Since he had just agreed to remain with her, that meant he would be stuck in the middle of it as well. He sighed and looked back to her, roaming his eyes over her face. His life was changing far too rapidly for him to feel comfortable. He almost wished he were back at the cell he had been locked in for years awaiting judgment.

He had been kept there until the Tome of Koslun as recovered, something he failed miserably to do. If only that pirate whore hadn't run off with it, things would be so much different. Perhaps if he had just killed Hawke in battle, he would have regained some of his honor and would still be Arishok. That was wishful thinking, however. What had really done him in, was the fact that he hadn’t gotten permission before attacking the foul city he despised. Acting selfishly without first seeking council from the Triumvirate, their governing body, was seen as a betrayal to their ideals.

It didn’t matter that he stopped because of Hawke’s influence over him. What was done, was done. His constituents saw it as an even bigger insult that a human woman outside the Qun had been the one to stop him. They didn’t want him to attack, but punished him for ceasing it. Their view was contradictory, but there was nothing he could do about that. Would they have been happier _had_ he killed her? Would that have made a difference? He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow at the thought. He wouldn’t have done so anyway. He respected her too much. She didn't deserve to die for the whore's treachery or for his mistakes.

Perhaps that was his downfall. He had grown attached to a human and let her rub off on him. He should blame her, and he did for a time, but it was his choice that led to this; he knew that. It was that choice which kept him imprisoned until recently. Once the tome finally came back into Qunari hands, it was time for him to be punished.

They should have executed him. He wouldn't have to worry about any of this; but they wanted him to live disgraced knowing how far he had fallen. Now that he thought about it, he supposed him taking his own life was an act of rebellion. It was his way for him to tell them all to go fuck themselves; that he wouldn't give in to what they wanted. Even the faded remains of Vitaar he had just washed away were an act of defiance. He was no longer fit to wear it, they made that clear before they set him loose, but he painted himself anyway once he was alone, too prideful to let go of who he once was.

He thought on that for a moment while he slowly brushed his damp hair out with his fingers. He did as Hawke had asked while she rested, cleaning himself thoroughly then putting on fresh pants and the small amount of armor he had left. He was still uneasy about this whole thing. Even without his Vitaar or air of superiority, there was bound to be a few who remembered him. Who knew what would happen if he were discovered?

Hawke said there were Tal Vashoth in the city now, which he found shocking. They were accepted, even after all that happened? What if _they_ recognized him? He was certainly hated by them at least, seeing as he had them hunted down and murdered. Starting trouble with them would not be good for Hawke. He shook his head and frowned. He wouldn't dwell on it. He would trust that she knew what she was doing. First things first, however, he needed to get her back up on her feet. He quickly pushed his hair behind his shoulders and crawled to her, being unable to stand in the small cave.

She looked peaceful now, something he knew was rare even if he hadn't seen her in years. It almost seemed a shame to wake her, but it had probably been discovered that she was missing by now. There would be people out looking for her. He could only imagine what he would be accused of if they were to come upon him with her unconscious in his bed roll. He hesitated before slowly reaching out and gripping her shoulder in his hand. "Hawke. Wake up," he said loud enough to startle a nearby bird into flight while shaking her gently.

Hawke was startled instantly awake.

“ANDERS!!!” she cried out in confusion, nearly smacking the former Arishok right in the head as she shot upright. He had been hovering over her, completely taking her by surprise.  

He immediately backed off after her shout, but was still relatively closer than she would have preferred in this moment of shock. She was breathing heavily and her head began to pound as she hunched over slightly and let her forehead fall into the palm of her hand. She groaned at the pain, but felt confused as to where she currently was. Her clothes were damp. Had she fallen into the water? From the corner of her eye she saw a small fire dancing over a bed of embers and noticed she was no longer on the Wounded Coast, but in a rather small and confined cave. She assumed they were still close to the beach. She could still hearing the waves in the distance.

So, the Arishok had made a makeshift home here it seemed. She looked back over to him with wary eyes; her heart racing with adrenaline. He appeared to be concerned, which was a fairly new expression for him, one she didn't remember having even see on him before. The anxiety of her grief for Anders was almost unbearable at this point. The last thing she remembered was watching the Arishok bathe. She sighed heavily and shook her head. This was not the first time she blacked out when she became too overwhelmed with memories.

“Dammit.” The curse escaped her lips not nearly as quiet as she would have liked, but at this point she didn't care if he heard it or not.

She hated feeling vulnerable, especially in front of the Arishok. Of all beings to witness her having a meltdown like that. Hawke was comfortable with the idea of him never seeing her falter; she wanted to never seem unworthy or too weak. Her insecurities were getting the better of her now, all because she couldn't keep it together. She was not taking Anders’ death well; nor being completely without all of her friends other than Aveline. She still remained Guard Captain of Kirkwall, but rarely had time for Hawke these days.

Varric had been taken by that Seeker woman back to Ferelden to face the Divine, only to have the Conclave blown up in his face. Merrill left the alienage with a group of elves willing to follow her in order to protect them from the mage and templar war. Sebastian returned to Starkhaven to take back his lands, she had no clue as to where that backstabber Isabela was, and Fenris was off killing slavers trying to take advantage of the land’s chaos, no doubt with a huge smile on his face. Hawke was left with no one to fight alongside, or even talk to. She was alone. Seeing the Arishok again was her beacon of hope, someone to give her a new reason to carry on each day. So much about them was similar. Both were lost with no purpose, and both needed something to fight for.

“I—I’m sorry for that; what happened on the beach,” she whispered, unable to look him in the eye. It just hurt too much to do it. The feeling made her want to smack herself in the face for being so cowardly. “I guess I still haven’t dealt with everything that’s happened since you left. I’m sorry for my moment of weakness. I shall do my best for it to never happen again.”

She swallowed the massive ball of guilt down into her gut where she normally placed her feelings; locked away as usual.

He stared at her in silence for what he was sure was an awkward amount of time. This was not the Hawke he remembered. Well, she was, but there was something very much changed in her. He cleared his throat then slowly sat back, wondering what he was supposed to do in a situation like this. She was showing weakness, yes, but in the Qun weakness was purged out of those displaying it. He didn't know how to "soothe" her, or whatever it was you did to make a person feel better.

Maybe just talk to her? He swallowed then tilted his head a bit, eyeing her expression in the dim light from the fire. "Hawke. It is...alright. I am hardly the one you should apologize to. Look at me. I have never been weaker in my life," he told her, his voice quiet and solemn. He frowned and continued before he could focus too much on that. He didn't like being vulnerable. "You screamed 'Anders''. Your mage follower yes? The one who helped start the war? I had heard about that when I waited to gain passage to the Free Marches. I'm sorry."

Hearing him speak with subtle endearment and saying her former lover’s name felt strange. She had never really spoken about him to anyone, but now the Arishok, of all people, was asking her about him. She wanted to snap at him to drop it, but his tone was so genuine she couldn't bear to. It was rare for him to show anything other than harshness. She took that as a small gift and allowed her shoulders to settle some.

Then it dawned on her that it was he who had dragged her back to his camp. Her head snapped up at the mere thought of him caring enough about her to take her someplace safe so that she wouldn't drown. So he did care about her. Hawke smiled slightly at the thought, but wasn't exactly sure why it made her feel so strange.

His words meant the world to her. To some they wouldn't appear to be anything special, but it was the first time she ever heard him attempt to make her feel less self-loathing. She was…appreciative. Who knew he would be the one to make her feel better? She would've expected something more along the lines of, ‘You are correct to take responsibility for the perversions that are upon you, considering the company you keep,’ or some sort of a ‘serves you right’ response. She wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder in thanks, but didn't want to push her luck. She still had her health to consider, and she couldn't very well escape his wrath in a small cave like this. She was a talented Rogue, but not that talented.

Instead she merely nodded then went silent. Perhaps not the best idea. It only extended the tense awkwardness between them. She needed to break the ice a bit, but was unsure of what to say. Perhaps it was safe to let her guard down slightly around him. She did owe him an explanation. It wasn't as if people normally fainted dead away into the water. Besides, if they were going to be in each other's company, there needed to be trust between them. She cleared her throat to get his attention then slowly began to speak, unsure of her own words. “Yes, Anders was….well he died when the Mages revolted, by my hands…I…It was necessary, but I feel guilty."

When she finished her vague explanation, she looked over at him, but couldn't read him. He just sat there, as stoic and statuesque as ever. 

_Tell him more._

The thought came suddenly, but she shook her head.

_No, he doesn't want to hear me whine._

She knew that to be true. He was easily irritated by those who complained. Despite that, now that she had _started_ talking about Anders, she wanted to get more out. What should she do? Shutting up was probably the best course of action. She swallowed and quickly attempted to end the conversation. “But you don’t need to hear all this. It’s just been difficult. What time is it anyway? How long have we been here? We should head back soon," she said with a nervous laugh, moving her eyes away from him.

She then distracted herself by shuffling through her things to make sure she had all her belongings, checking her blades last. She would have been upset if she lost anything to the waves. She looked over at him, but he still just sat there, staring at her curiously. Why didn't he _say_ anything? It was enough to drive a person mad!

Well if he wasn't going to talk, she would. She had to in order to keep herself from falling apart again. “Let's get to the Hanged Man. I have some business with a contact there. Perhaps news of a quest. My presence has been requested. It hasn’t been said who the contact is so of course I’m weary, and you would make the perfect bodyguard,” Hawke said with a spark of confidence, once again putting on that cunning smirk she was famous for, as if all her problems just washed away in an instant. She was actually quite eager to go meet this contact of hers. Viscount was such a boring job. She longed to be out in the world again, making a difference. Sitting at a desk all day was not her idea of fun and she made every excuse possible not to. Those under her would not be happy if she decided to leave for a few weeks, but she really didn't care. Aveline would take care of things while she was away. 

The former Arishok finally reanimated at her last words, releasing a loud snort. He grabbed his meager amount of personal items before putting the fire out and making his way out of the confined space. "Call me a body guard again and you'll _need_ one," he told her dryly, glancing to the sun dipping below the horizon over the water. He was not a common thug and the very idea of that left a bitter taste on his tongue.

He then glanced back at her and sagged his shoulders a bit, releasing a long breath. A common thug was actually more than him. He was Nothing. A mercenary at least has purpose, a goal. All he had was....what? A promise from a woman who did not understand him. Though, she certainly seemed to understand loss. This Anders of hers seemed to be causing her a great deal of pain. Long ago, he had suspected that she and the mage were lovers. It seemed his assumptions may have been correct.

He thought her choice was incredibly stupid, but he said nothing at the time. Perhaps he should have. He knew from the start that the mage would cause problems. He was too volatile, too immersed in his causes, to the point where he wasn't thinking clearly. He recognized such things because he had fallen prey to them himself.  If he had only said something back then, maybe she could have fortified her heart and saved herself some hurt.

Then again, it was _Hawke_ he was talking about. Nobody could tell the woman anything. She was as stubborn as they came. He frowned and wondered what it was about 'love' that made humans and other lesser creatures act like complete fools. Her love for that man blinded her to what he really was. And why love _him_ of all people? Surely there were others out there more suited for her. He didn't deserve her in the slightest. She deserved...well, he didn't know, but more than some crazy mage asshole.

He cleared his throat then turned his gaze from her, setting his face in its typical foul expression before suddenly setting off in the direction of the city. Maybe he should have checked first to see if Hawke was even ready to travel yet, but his mood had taken a sudden turn downwards and he didn't want to take it out on her. So instead, he chose to walk away and focus on what they needed to be doing, even if he thought her idea to bring him along was disaster waiting to happen.

Hawke tried with all her constitution not to laugh after he threatened her. She knew in her gut that he would never physically hurt her on purpose. They had only ever fought each other once before; that day the Qunari took siege. She remembered when Isabela had failed to return with their precious Tome of Koslun as if it had happened yesterday. The Arishok had nearly struck her down permanently; he was a beast in combat. Never had Hawke ever experienced such a challenge. She would never forget the feeling of his blades plummeting heavily against her own or the booming vibrations of his footsteps charging towards her. It was thrilling to have fought such a powerful warrior, even if it had nearly cost her life.

She next recalled the most important moment. The one in which she thought for sure that she was going to die by his hand, his blade having been pressed to her exposed throat. He had her pinned to the ground, his black eyes glaring down at her, but his expression was resistant. Something held him back from the final blow, and Hawke had never been so confused in her life. So much of this man had been all about following through with his word. When he told her he was ending the depravity in the city, she believed he wouldn’t stop until he had done just that. She was certain if he meant to fight her, one of them would not walk away alive. Yet, he stood ready to end her life with the strangest look in his eyes...and didn't. The wait felt like an eternity, until he drew back and ended the duel. He and the rest of his Qunari left Kirkwall without the Tome.

He hadn’t even given her to reason as to why. 

It felt like a lifetime had passed since then. He was now back in her life with an equal lack of an explanation. Perhaps that was just his way. Getting used to being around him without his devoted followers or anyone else to influence their choices was going to take some time. It was just the two of them; Hawke and....who? She smiled faintly, not knowing what she was supposed to call him. He was no longer the Arishok, and she couldn't very well walk around calling him 'Hey You.'

“So what should I call you?” she asked him straight out, setting off after him back towards the city. 

He paused mid-stride and looked back at her, thrown off by the question. He now went by Nothing, but he doubted she would agree to call him such. But, what else was he supposed to tell her? He _had_ no title any longer and he certainly was not going to take a human name. He frowned at her then resumed walking, thinking on what he should say. He could think of nothing. Earlier in the day he was not required to even consider such a thing. We was _supposed_ to be dead right now.

"I have no title to be addressed as," he told her honestly over his shoulder after too much quiet had passed between them.

“Well I need to have _something_ to call you by. I can’t just refer to you as Nothing. Was that was you addressed yourself as?” Hawke pushed. She knew it would probably stir his temper, but she found joy in it oddly enough. She paced closely beside him while looking confidently ahead as if she had no fear in doing so, even if he could easily swing his arm out, grab her by the throat, and crush it with little effort.

"Well you could," he shot back at her with a huff, though his voice was only half serious, "If you weren't such a stubborn little thing."

She didn’t like being called that, he had learned that quickly when they first met, but she had started it. He refused to look back at her, lest he give away the small hint of a smile on his face, and eyed the silhouette of Kirkwall in the quickly darkening sky off in the distance. It made the pit of his stomach grow tight. Surely Hawke had a plan other than marching him down the crowded city streets. He took a deep breath and looked back at her, bringing his attention back to her original question. "What would you like to call me?"

Hawke blinked and looked at him, nearly tripping over her own feet.

_Did he really just ask me that?_

Apparently he was leaving much to her discretion, which was comforting to say the least. He had always been so pushy before. Hawke raised her brow at him then continued walking in silence for a long while before she replied. Naturally, she had to ponder this. One didn’t just re-name a former Arishok in a split second. Hawke needed a moment to think. She was moving somewhat ahead of him now, contemplating her answer very thoroughly. Such decisions could not be taken carelessly. Whatever she would call him would need to mean something. He was giving her a gift in a way, even if it didn’t seem to matter to him.

She traced through her mind. What should she call her companion that would be meaningful and suited to him? A distant memory from long ago began to flutter within her mind. She recalled when she was child sitting with her father Malcolm. He would sit and tell her and her siblings stories in front of the fire before bedtime.

_The stories, the fire…_

The thought made her stop walking instantly. She had it, and it was perfect. She turned to him with her answer.

“You're like the Phoenix of legend,” she began explaining, but hadn’t made eye contact yet; she was still lost in her reverie, “Not the beasts we know today. My father would tell me stories of a mystical creature with wings of fire.  It's said they have a song as wonderful as a spirit’s breath and when they die, they cry that beautiful song until their tears ignite into flames. Once their bodies turn to ash, they rise and are born again. They are a symbol of rebirth and new beginnings.” She paused and finally looked at her new companion, happy that he seemed to be listening intently. “I still remember a poem father would recite. It—it actually reminds me of you,” she added before taking in a breath and repeating it to her Qunari friend.

"The Phoenix streaks and soars the sky  
Head held high to the spirits' cries  
It lays itself within its hallowed nest  
And greets the solemn face of death  
It takes its last breath and erupts in flames  
Shrieking from agony of fiery pain  
  
It's head stops writhing and the wings go slack  
At last it fades into the black  
Now all the hope in the world is gone  
Until the morn and the rising sun  
Then from the ashes The Phoenix ascends  
Ready to rule the heavens again.”

She knew this was quite the dramatic explanation, but it meant something to her. It was important for him to hear every word. A random name wasn’t good enough for him. This way, he would know that his new title was symbolic and significant. “I’m going to call you Ash from now on."

With her mind made up, she turned on her heel and continued on ahead, hoping he wouldn’t come after her with retaliation.

He paused and blinked once she walked off, watching her saunter on ahead of him like she owned half of Thedas. _Yes, don’t bother asking if I even like it, that's fine._ He snorted and resumed following her, contemplating all that she had said. When he asked her, he hadn’t expected such a thoughtful response. In fact, he was well prepared for her to reply with something ridiculous just to mock him; such was the nature of their relationship. _Ash_. It wasn't bad. He didn't care much for frilly poems or touching stories, but he did like the word itself. It was all that was left after fire destroyed everything in its path and his life had certainly been consumed by figurative flame. He thought on that for a moment and decided not to argue with her about it.

"I will answer to that title then," he told her once we was moving right at her heels. "Please tell me we aren't marching through the front gates," he added seconds later, his mind still consumed with paranoia.

“As if I would put you through such torture,” she replied wittily as she flashed a charming look over her shoulder. She heard him huff in response, which just made her smirk with amusement. Ash’s anxiety was so apparent she could practically feel the air around them tremble from it. “I’m taking you through the undercity. Darktown is the best place to be discreet. It’ll take us to Lotown without TOO much trouble," she assured him, knowing that her emphasis on ‘too much trouble’ was still enough to unsettle his nerves, but there was really no other way. “And once we get to the Hanged Man to meet the contact, we should be as good as gold.”

Quoting Varric made her miss that snarky dwarf. She would give anything to see the look on his face when he saw her taking a stroll with the former Arishok. She could only imagine the story he would tell about _that_.

Ash nodded even though she could not see it, and took a deep breath. That was a good plan. It brought him some sense of relief. He wasn't necessarily worried about being attacked in itself. He could mow down a dozen men easily and barely break a sweat, even in his weakened state. He was more concerned about causing unnecessary grief for the spirited little human in front of him. That realization made him snort and scold himself inwardly. Hadn't he already gotten in enough trouble concerning himself with her feelings and well-being?

He grumbled and ran his hand absentmindedly over the grip of his sword. What was he doing? Why had he agreed to come with her knowing the effect she had on him? She made him weak and he already had far too much of that. Before he knew it, he would be striking his enemies with flowers and crying over his feelings. He cleared his throat and made a face at the thought. He supposed this was his own fault. _He_ was the one who had gone out of his way to come here. If she made him soft, he would have nobody to blame but himself.

He was suddenly in the mood to bash something in the head. "Let us get on with it quickly then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to all who took time to read our first chapter! As an extra treat, here is a lovely piece of artwork. You may recognize it as a scene from the chapter. TheChampion04 is quite a talented artist no?  
> 
> 
> To see more of her art, click [HERE](http://clarice04.deviantart.com/)
> 
> To join our Bioware group on Facebook click [ HERE](https://www.facebook.com/groups/biowareownsmysoul/)
> 
> A huge shout out to Theldon for writing the amazing poem [ From the Ashes ](http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fallpoetry.com%2Fpoem%2F11836263-From-the-Ashes-by-Theldon&h=KAQHA3zFz) that we used in this chapter. Funny story, the name for this Fic was chosen by myself (KristaRabbit) before I even knew what the name of the poem was. Quite the coincidence yes? It worked out beautifully. 
> 
> Once again thank you and we hope you stick around for the rest of the story! <3


	2. Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm falling to pieces. My thoughts are my cage. I'm dead in my body. But my mind's on a rage." --Gina Arnone

“I really hope that is your hand on my rear end, Hawke. Because if it isn’t, something is crawling around on my pants,” Ash hissed before wiggling around uncomfortably in the confined space he and Hawke were crammed into. Apparently she hadn’t realized that a male more than double her size did not fit well in confined areas before she ushered him there in the first place. He grumbled and tried to find a way out from between the two stone walls without scraping her into paste against one of them. They looked ridiculous. He didn’t even think her feet were still on the ground at this point and she was probably suffocating with his chest smashed against her face like that. If their enemies saw them now, they wouldn’t even need to unsheathe their weapons. They would just laugh themselves to death.

He supposed it was his fault that they were in this predicament in the first place. He told her he wanted to avoid Tal Vashoth at all costs. She must have thought him a coward, but he did not make the request out of fear. He actually might have enjoyed crushing them if they sought to fight him. He asked for the simplest of reasons: To keep her alive. As talented as she was, he doubted she could remain uninjured if caught in the middle of a scuffle between Tal Vashoth and….whatever he was. So now here they were, safe from a confrontation with the pair of Mercenaries that just passed by, but in the most awkward situation he could imagine. He almost preferred getting attacked.

Hawke snorted and pushed against him, trying to give herself some room to take a breath. The man was a stone wall. “If I wanted to touch your ass, you would know it, Ash. I’m all hands,” she replied without thinking. She realized after the words already left her mouth that her tone came across as true intent, causing her to release a nervous chuckle.

She had been born with the gift of sassy comebacks so it felt only natural for her to banter in a suggestive manner. The very thought about committing to such an act on the enormous Qunari smashed up against her, though, made her face flush hot. She swallowed hard and wished she could take the comment back, though she _would_ be locking the thought away and recollecting it later. When she was alone. Very alone.

“Ehhh...let’s just try and get through here quickly, I can barely breathe and your breath is atrocious,” she added quickly, trying to change the subject. She was lying of course. His breath was pleasantly spicy and the musk of him was practically a narcotic. However, he deserved her words after his butt comment. How was she supposed to keep her thoughts off of it if he was going to purposely bring attention to it? She was only human.

His backside wasn’t the only impressive part of him, that much she had noticed years ago, and she most certainly wasn’t complaining about being pressed roughly against his cut physique. It was more than distracting trying to move forward. She was so abnormally close to him, he could feel the heat of his breathing against her face and it was the most awkward feeling. Being pinned against Knight Commander Meredith would’ve been less awkward.

She turned red and cleared her throat. If her arms weren’t practically pinned to her sides she would have smacked herself in the face for allowing such things into her mind, especially about the Arishok. But still…the broadness of his massive chest was really all she could see, what else was she supposed to think about?  _Oh, right….getting out of here_.

Ash huffed and resisted the urge to just tear out of the small space, most likely knocking the wind out of her, or worse, in the process. She would deserve it for getting herself stuck up against him in the first place. How did this even _happen_? They had gotten _in_ to the small space easily enough. He sighed and looked down at her, making sure to breathe right onto her since she wanted to be a snarky little shit.

“Hawke. Please do me a favor and shut the hole imbedded in your skull for a moment so I can figure out how to get us both out of here,” he snapped at her, growing a little irritated over being confined. After spending years locked in a small space, he wasn’t exactly fond of them. He probably shouldn’t have been so harsh, but he was starting to feel mildly panicked and wasn’t thinking about sparing somebody from getting their feelings hurt. He hoped she would not hold it against him. She didn’t look too impressed with him at the moment.

“Ugh fine, if it will get us out of here faster, Hawke grumbled breathlessly as she rolled her eyes towards the back of her head; too winded to keep the insults going. He won this round, so she proceeded to stay quiet per his request since he was clearly becoming anxious. The man was a pain and had no tact whatsoever, but she promised herself she would remain patient with him.

He frowned then at his own behavior and gave her a mildly apologetic glance before moving his arms further down the best he could and wrapping his massive hands around her waist. It was so small he could nearly fit them all the way around. How did human women not break in half? They were such small and dainty things. No wonder she wore so much armor.

Hawke tensed instantly like a cat hearing a snap in the distance. Feeling the enormous span of his hands around her waist was clearly something she had not prepared for, and couldn’t help the startled gasped that escaped her throat. His touch was firm, almost bruising, and she could feel her face blush again. She was growing slightly aggravated with herself for being so easily frazzled by him. Had it been so long since she had contact with another person, she felt the need to behave like a silly blushing girl? This entire situation made her uncomfortable and she knew he could sense that discomfort, whether he knew the reasons or not. The rogue couldn’t help but fidget slightly.

“Try not to move too much,” he instructed, wanting to get them out of this awkward situation as quickly as possible then never speak of it again. “I’m going to lift you up and then slowly inch out of here since going forward obviously isn’t an option.”

He didn’t give her time to answer before he was carefully nudging her upwards, his fingers digging into her sides unintentionally. He wasn’t too excited to hear what sort of dry comeback she was thinking of, but he was sure it was just as charming as all the others on their journey to Darktown. Not even back a day, and already she was making him wish he could throw her back into the ocean.

“A—Alright,” Hawke stuttered, grunting slightly with discomfort as he proceeded to maneuver them. She held back the complaints that were racing through her brain and remained neutral, allowing him to do what was needed to get them freed from the tight space.

After a few moments of moving her around like a ragdoll, he was finally able to get her free from her trap between his chest and the wall. He then slid her upwards with a relieved sigh until they were face to face, before slowly moving sideways towards freedom.

Hawke cringed and slowly looked at him once they were finally moving. His expression was as clear as a midsummer’s day. What she saw confused her slightly. He looked almost…afraid? She had never seen him look so confused, and somewhat alarmed over the position they were currently in. What was going through his mind?

This was the first time she was taking a good look at him since they parted ways so long ago. Though, even back then she had never been this close to him. She had never even seen Qunari eyes from such a short distance before. His face was just inches apart from hers and she found it hard not to become lost in the dark orbs with golden amber swirling in the center.

Ash was incredibly unique, and nothing like most of the Qunari she had ever seen. He definitely stood alone, and what a true tragedy it would have been to waste such a beautiful creature. She suddenly found it not so unbearable to be crammed up so close to him. She smiled just slightly before coughing away her drifting thoughts and bringing herself back to the predicament at hand.

After a few seconds of squirming, he instantly regretted bringing her up to his level. If it was awkward before, the closeness of their faces now made it ten times worse. Any closer, and she might get pregnant. He blinked at the random, horrendous thought and made a face at himself. Could his kind and humans even have offspring together? And how ugly would _that_ thing be? An even better question; why was he thinking about this? He quickly frowned and snorted before practically falling out of the crevice with her in tow, never so happy to be free. He was pretty sure this felt better than being taken out of his cell and seeing the sun for the first time in a year.

Hawke threw herself forward and hunched her hands against her knees, catching her breath and trying to take in as much “fresh” air as she could in the dense atmosphere of the undercity. She stood up and regained her composure, swiping away some of the dust off her chest and shoulders. Thank the Maker _that_ was over.

She scanned the area and paused when she heard faint voices in the distance.  _Great_. Hadn’t they just escaped being discovered? Who the hell else was down here? Tension grew inside her gut and she clenched her fists, hoping they were just refugees or harmless apostates trying to flee Kirkwall. The mere thought of anything else made her cringe. The last thing they needed was Templars, mercenaries, or worse…

Hawke glanced behind her to see if Ash had heard what she had and to her dismay she saw a familiar scowl touching his expression, the look that only meant trouble would be upon them. Hawke sighed softly then waved her hand to catch his attention. He responded by glancing to her and motioning for her to move ahead. She nodded in compliance and was quick to draw her blades, still hoping this was just a false alarm.

Ash could feel and smell them before he saw them, his senses keener and more beast than human. His embarrassment from their previous predicament vanished instantly, replaced by complete awareness of his surroundings. The muscles in his neck became taut as a wave of prickles spread across the back of it and his jaw clenched tight enough to make his teeth ache. Unlike the worthless Tal Vashoth who had passed by, these newcomers gave off a dangerous aura. He could almost taste it.

Male voices drifted through the thick air towards them and he could swear he heard Hawke’s name being said in hushed conversation. Why would anyone be looking for her here? And how did they even know she was down here? He frowned and stayed close to her, his short sword in one hand and axe in the other. They were shit as far as weapons went, but they were better than the nothing he had started out with upon his exile. He hoped whomever approached were just some assholes trying to puff their chests out, but somehow he doubted that. This tunnel wasn’t just for those trying to flee in a hurry, there would also be nasty types slinking about.

So far the path beneath the city wasn’t as well hidden as Hawke had claimed it to be. He wanted to shove her over for bringing them down here to this “secret” passage, but then he remembered it was he who insisted they not move through the main part of Kirkwall. He made a slight growling sound deep in his chest, displeased with himself. His actions seemed gutless now that he thought back on them. He once sat proudly on the docks, not caring if Bas were uptight about his presence. Now here he was sneaking around in shady areas like a scared rat, not wanting to be seen. _Pathetic_.

They turned a corner, finally bringing a group of nearly a dozen into view. They were all well armored and equipped with weaponry far superior to his. He took note of each and every one of them as he and Hawke approached. Some were nothing to be concerned about; a few elves, a couple of scrawny types, and a woman. Nothing he and his companion could not handle if these people were here for more than conversation. Several, however, looked to be quite a handful. Professional criminals no doubt. He would take them out first. Without their strongest members, he predicted the rest of the group would take their losses and flee.

Once they were noticed, the more sinister men in the small crowd smiled, actually smiled, and began talking amongst themselves while gesturing in their direction. They looked quite pleased to have found Hawke down here. So they _were_ looking for her. To what end? He growled again, this time in their general direction, squaring his shoulders and preparing to cut them all down if they so much as spit at her. He was in no mood to deal with the overconfidence of delinquents right now. It would be easier to simply liberate their heads from their bodies. He would like to see them smile smugly _then_.

A few of the strangers, the smarter in the bunch, seemed to grow weary of his presence. He was large, even for his race, and covered in scars, a sign that he had seen plenty of battle. When he stepped slightly in front of Hawke and glared, he saw them hesitate and share glances.  _Good._  They hadn’t anticipated him being here to back her up. So what was their plan then? To attack a lone woman?  _Pitiful._

Hawke could feel the tension brewing within him. Ash was an extremely intimidating presence, even if he was fighting alongside you. She saw each and every muscle in his body tense and tighten, and the low growl from within his chest nearly made the ground shake beneath her. She knew this group intended harm on her; she could read it all over their faces.

Ash seemed to be transitioning into a more primal state, his chest rising and falling more evenly and precise. He was colossal. Even hunched over, he was still a couple feet taller than her, and… very close. Was he being protective of her? She blinked and eyed him a moment, temporarily distracted. Was she imagining things?

Knowing what Ash was capable of was enough for her to worry about the outcome of this encounter. He seemed eager for a fight, but Hawke wanted to make sure they got through Darktown safely. It appeared as though she had underestimated the chances. She reached out slowly so as not to alarm him and touched his forearm, feeling the tight muscle gripping at his blade. He stiffened, but the contact seemed to catch his attention enough for him to hear her.

“Hey, take it easy. We shouldn’t attack unless provoked,” she said as calmly as she could, keeping her voice hushed. She knew he would give her a discerning glance, but she was quick to explain her reasoning. “I know that goes against everything you are, but please trust me. Thugs like this play dirty. We need to be on our guard at all times. To attack without thought is not wise,” Hawke clarified, giving him a serious expression so he could see she was not making anything up.

His nostrils flared as he released a slightly disapproving puff of air, but he nodded and relaxed slightly. Only slightly. Did she know these men? He turned his rough gaze to who appeared to be the leader and watched as he stepped towards them a foot or so. He had a sneer written on his face and an arrow placed in the bow he held; ready to be shot. Ash glared and grew tense all over again, not caring if Hawke didn’t like it. He silently dared the man to try and use it.

The leader had apparently noticed Hawke rein him in a little and chuckled, nodding his head towards the former Arishok and speaking in a condescending tone. “Do as the Viscount says _beast_. We aren’t here for you, but if you stand in the way we will take you down as well.” He then turned his head to look at Hawke, smiling even further. “Fancy meeting you here. We could scarcely believe it when our informant tipped us that you were down here with none of your guardsmen around. Well, except for your pet here. What luck.”

Ash would have thrown his axe into the man’s face, but he was so put off by his words that he simply stood there for a moment staring like the dumb animal these men obviously thought we has. He slowly turned his gaze downwards to give Hawke a look that could kill if it were a weapon. Viscount? _She_ was the replacement for that sad excuse of a leader? The leader who let the city become nothing but a shithole deserving of purging? The human he once despised more than anyone in said city? He frowned deeply and cleared his throat, taking his attention back to the men before them. He would ask her about _that_ bit of information she had left out later. Right now he needed to focus on not dying. He snorted and shook his head slightly. Wasn’t that what he wanted just a short time ago?

_Andraste’s flaming ass_! Hawke glared daggers at the man. That was not the information she wanted Ash to have heard, at least not now; not when they were about to fight heartless mercenaries. For the sake of coin, no doubt. The thug disclosing such information was very inconveniently timed. The last thing she needed in a situation like this was to have Ash angry with her. Hawke knew she would have an exchange of heated words with him later; if there was even going to be such a moment. He was probably adding her to his list of next kills this very second. He had no problem eliminating the _last_ Viscount. She glanced over to his face.

He seemed calm enough. ‘What luck,’ indeed.

He appeared to be calculating and mapping out his maneuvers as they stood listening to the men banter and scorn with malice and deceit. She followed his lead and mentally prepared for the worst. Hawke never underrated a situation after all the lessons she had learned in the past. Underestimation was something that had always come back to bite her right in the ass. Did that make her paranoid? Probably, but she was equally determined to stand her ground for the sake of who and what she was fighting for. That was just her nature.

She needed to show that she would not be intimidated by these men. She stepped around the ashen tower in front of her while wearing a cunning smirk, her posture poised, before staring at the menacing mob. “Luck,” she repeated with a laugh. “Something you’ll need if you expect to attack us. Although I don’t think that would be the healthiest option.”

Ash glared further when she moved in front of him and gripped his weapons more tightly. What did she think she was going to do if they attacked? Kill them with wit? Take them all on at once? He had no doubt the woman possessed skill, but sometimes she behaved as if she were invincible, which was simply not the case. Nobody was, oh how well he knew that.

The leader scoffed then looked back at his friends with a laugh. They responded in kind, irritating him further. The thug’s grin was toothy and the most annoying thing he had seen all day, which was saying something considering his company. He grumbled again, still aggravated with her. He didn’t know who he wanted to hit first, her or them.

Then the man started talking again, making up his mind for him. He turned his back to he and Hawke, a cocky gesture if Ash had ever seen one, then raised his hands to his followers as if he were giving a sermon in a chantry.  
  
“You see, my friends? Our supposed leader walks with these heathen beasts. She calls them friends. Who’s to say she wasn’t allied with them, helping them destroy our city years ago? It was her plan all along! To trick us into believing she saved us from the big bad Qunari monsters, when really she worked with them to deceive her way into power! They are a sin against nature and she openly supports them and allows them to pollute our streets with their filth. She is an insult to the office she holds. She and her demon apostate blew up our beloved chantry and now she blasphemes against it by taunting everything it stands for. Qunari have no place here. And once we take her out, they will be eliminated from it as well. Stand with me, be courageous, for the Maker will not allow us to fall to the hands of this whore and her dog,” he told them so much hatred and venom in his voice, it could choke a full grown man. The others all nodded in agreement like mindless fools.  
  
It was a rousing speech, but Ash was growing considerably more anxious with each passing second. He stepped forward, raising his axe right as the leader turned back around with the look of a mad man. Ash scoffed. And here he thought the _Qunari_ were strong in their convictions, but this zealot took the cake.  
  
“Leash your lover Hawke, or we will make sure his death is slow and agonizing,” the man hissed, raising his bow and aiming it right at her head. That stopped Ash in his tracks. He backed up a step, realizing that distancing himself from her was probably not the best idea. They were, after all, practically surrounded at this point.  
  
The leader sneered, and continued, apparently in love with the sound of his own voice. “That’s right, step back you heathen. Watch him everyone, he’s large and could cause a problem,” he warned over his shoulder before looking right at Hawke and giving her a look sleazy enough to makes one’s skin crawl. “Is that why you like having them around Viscount? You like having animals between your legs? Your own kind not good enough for you? Or are you so loose from sleeping with abominations that you simply need a beast’s cock to satisfy you?”

Hawke almost wanted to laugh at his colorful choice of petty words. They were only fuel to her fire. Call her smug, but this leader clearly knew less than nothing of her or her reputation; and he _definitely_ knew less than nothing of Anders. For him to even mention her former lover was an insult, one this asshole would pay dearly for. She could only let the corner of her mouth curl even more upward as she readied her blades. She planted her feet firmly into the gravel beneath her feet, preparing for a swift and blinding charge towards him.

“Better to have a beast’s cock between my legs,” she boasted while flipping each blade in her hands, “than be a useless man without one.”

Hawke’s reply made the man’s smile fade just the tiniest bit, but that small falter was enough to please the former Arishok greatly. Then, he saw anger slowly fill his eyes over having been embarrassed in front of his ‘people.’ The buffoon no doubt thought his mere presence inspired fear and awe, but Hawke’s complete mockery of his convictions had rattled him. So much so that he resorted to what all his type did when they couldn’t outwit their opponent with words. They attacked.

The second Ash saw the arrow fly he sprung to motion, like a cat who had been waiting to pounce a mouse. He moved in front of Hawke just in time to keep the arrow from connecting with her, taking it in the shoulder with a grunt instead. It stung, but with his thickened skin it didn’t sink too deep. He had taken plenty of arrows in the past, so one hitting him now didn’t even cause a flinch.

He tore it out and blocked a second arrow with his axe before surging forward, his adrenaline levels rising rapidly now that he was finally able to unleash the frustration that had been brewing within. The nerve of these Bas, thinking that he would lower himself to lay with a human woman. He shuddered at the thought and cut right into the chest of an elf trying to rush him on his way to the leader. He didn’t care about the lackeys. The one with the offending tongue was his.

Hawke was quick, but not as swift as the Arishok. She was nearly stunned motionless over him taking the arrow for her even when she could have easily deflected and cut it down herself. An act that should have relieved and impressed her, actually irritated Hawke slightly. She scowled at Ash while plunging her knives inflexibly into the gut of some rogue armature trying to flank her from behind. She looked over her shoulder and her rage turned to a crazed frenzy.

Before the next thug could land a hit on her, she took a lightning fast stride forward as if disappearing into thin air. Catching the thug off guard, Hawke sliced through him before he could even turn to face her. Blood sprayed from his gullet and onto her as she let out a triumphant laugh. “One more for me! We're keeping score, right?” she shouted to Ash as she moved forward, searching for her next target.  
  
She heard no reply from him so she glanced through the chaos, making sure he was okay. He was surging forward with an inspiring calmness, knocking anyone out of his way as he made his way to the leader. She grinned slightly and laughed again, a macabre action given the situation. There was nothing like a commanding fight to feed her need for it, especially when such men wanted her dead personally. She welcomed a challenge, and these Chantry scum who pushed Anders to the edge had it coming to them. Oh how badly she needed vengeance.

However…

She caught another glimpse over towards Ash, and suddenly something began to feel wrong.

He zeroed in on the man once he had a clear path and charged towards him, every move deliberate and filled with determination. He could visualize everything he would do to him once he closed the distance between them. He also went over different scenarios in his mind, preparing for any counter moves the rogue would make. There was nothing he could do that Ash wouldn’t be able to get past. This man’s time was about to come to an end.

Only it wasn’t the leader who Ash should have been focusing on. Perhaps if he hadn’t have been giving him so much of his attention, he would have seen the glowing chains flying through the air at him. Maybe he would have been able to stop them from wrapping around his thick neck and yanking him backwards, nearly pulling him off his feet. He grunted and caught his footing, more angry at the smug look on his victim’s face than the surprise attack. The metal burned and stung his skin, causing him to grunt in pain. He felt his energy drain instantly, almost as if the metal had sucked it out of him. Magic, it had to be.

With an angry growl, he snapped his arm back and grabbed the tightened chain, jerking on it as hard as he could. The force was enough to pull the man on the other end of it off his feet and send him skidding across the dirt. Then he reached up to grab the part choking him, only to have another chain from a different direction seize his arm. He snapped his head around to see where it had come from, but caught sight of their Saarebas enchanting them with spells first.

Now in a rage over having evil used against him, he stormed towards her, pulling the attackers holding the chains right along with him while their leader laughed and taunted as if this were the funniest thing he had ever seen. He didn’t get very far. More burning metal snapped around his leg then torso, slowing him considerably and causing him to stumble to his knees. He roared angrily and swallowed hard as the one around his neck tightened even further, making it hard for him to breathe. Just how many chains did these people have?!

The sound of him being hurt alone was enough to wound Hawke. Her eyes widened at the sight of her enemies viciously seizing Ash with rattling chains and some sort of magic. It made her feel sick to her stomach. Seeing her friend choke and fall stung her chest and filled her blood with rage. Not this time….not again…

“Ash!” she shouted to him, but he seemed unable to hear her. She could tell he was starting to panic. Hawke needed to reach him before they could kill him. As unbelievable as that concept was, the possibility of them getting slain was remarkably high right now.

Before she could rush towards him, however, there was a heavy blow to the gut. Hawke gasped loudly and heaved forward; the excruciating sensation taking the air from her lungs. She was caught off guard, but was quick to stumble away so she could whirl to face her attacker.

It was a masked assassin, who was clearly male and much larger than she. He laughed menacingly beneath his cowl as he twisted his blades with his fingers and placed himself pretentiously. She snorted and eyed him up and down. Assassins were all the same. He would be a challenge, but he would fall like all the rest. He was standing in the way of her and Ash.

The Champion endured the pain in her torso and regained her posture, letting go of an exasperated sigh, which was followed by a shrewd snicker. The two of them stood face to face for a moment while she sneered.

“You wouldn't consider dying now would you?” she asked drolly, her politeness remarkably taunting.

_Oh, if only_. She didn’t have much time to waste on this pathetic sod. The noises from her partner behind her caused panic to well up in her chest. If he died because of this, these wastes of skin and any allied with them would beg for death.

The leader’s laughter grew closer as Ash struggled to free himself to no avail. It seemed every movement he made only tightened his binds, causing even more pain. His eyes started to go black at the sides as his airway was crushed, threatening to render him unconscious.

He got a quick look around before his head was pulled towards the dirt. There were at least four men surrounding him, each with a chain end in their hands. They moved around him swiftly, wrapping him up further and further into their trap until he was thoroughly pinned down. Maybe if their Saarebas was not using her wicked power to enchant them, he could have had enough strength to get away, but with each passing second more of his energy diminished until he felt like he were floating. Or perhaps that was the strangulation making him feel light, he could not tell at this point.

Two feet suddenly appeared in the dirt before his eyes, followed by the mocking laughter that was quickly becoming his least favorite sound in the world.

“Did you think you were the first Qunari trash that we have disposed of? We were ready for you monster,” the man spit, kicking dirt in his face. “We will rid Kirkwall of your evil, and the rest of the filth like you soon enough. Hawke is going to die. And you get to die knowing you let her. How does that feel?” he added before nodding to another man standing by. “Help kill the Viscount. She can’t take the both of you. Then put her head on a pike and we’ll take them both out to be displayed properly as a warning. If the beasts are smart, they’ll flee the city. If not, they will meet the same fate this one here is about to.”

Ash glared at the man’s shoes, a terrible fury brewing up inside of him. He could hear Hawke scuffling with one of the killers. They had to be hired assassins working for this overly religious bastard, the ones holding him seemed no more than common thugs. This group’s sole purpose was the killing ‘his kind’ and apparently everyone who helped them. The image of Hawke’s severed head on a pike entered his mind and he clenched his teeth together tightly. She may be a lot of things, but she was not deserving of such a death. If he believed her to be so, he would have killed her himself all those years ago.

These fanatics reminded him a lot of the atmosphere he spent his entire life in. Under the Qun, he was taught that all non-Qunari were to either submit or be eliminated once their teachings took over the entire world. He could see himself in these men and it gave him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. How many non-believers had he murdered in his day? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? He could only imagine they felt just like this. Helpless, beaten, and for what? Because they were raised a different way than he had been? He never felt weaker than he did in this moment, not even when he was locked away in a small damp cell, starving and going mad in the darkness until he scarcely knew his own name. Then he held onto his beliefs, knowing his suffering was the demand of the Qun. Now, with his belief shattered and his soul lost, he saw no sense in what was happening.

He felt panic rising within him. He could not die this way, and he couldn’t let Hawke die at the hands of these men either; but the iron digging painfully into his flesh was preventing him from doing anything. It sent him straight back to that cell he had wasted years of his life in.

The scars his confinement left on his body still were not healed yet, the shackles having nearly reached bone they were dug in so deep. He waited for infection to take him for months, but it never came. He wondered so many times if they had forgotten about him. But then they would return, and the torture started all over again. They demanded he give them information he did not have, confess to things he did not do. Many times he thought their brutality would kill him. Each time he endured only to be thrown back into his prison to rot.

His body began to shake at the memory. He could still hear the chaos going on around him, the leader of this foul group speaking more venom, but it was all so far away. _He_ was so far away, reliving moments scarred into his mind forever. His vision blurred until it was mostly darkness, his body beginning to give into the strain that was being put on it by his attackers. The darkness. All around him. The hopelessness. The loss of faith.

_Is this what my loyalty has earned me?_

_Is this the will of the Qun? To die alone, forgotten?_

_Please, release me from this pain._

_Help me._

_I don’t want to die._

He opened his bloodshot eyes slightly then, the echoes fading from his mind. He hadn’t died, but he didn’t really go on living. The Arishok was back in that cell somewhere. All that remained was this battered and damaged vessel. He didn’t let the Qun take it, and these bastards wouldn’t take it either. They were unworthy.

The panic in his chest spread through all of his limbs and settled in his core, growing there until a scream tried to tear its way from his throat. With his neck squeezed tight, the only sound that came out was the low agonized sound of a wounded animal. It hurt to move, but this hurt was nothing compared to what the Qunari had done to him. With one last surge of strength, he grabbed one of the chains in his trembling hand and pulled hard enough to snatch it right out from the holder’s grip.

Mere feet away, Hawke’s opponent was growing restless to see his score settled. He leapt towards her with his blades positioned to kill, an impatient move that would cost him dearly. She released a soundless breath and waited until the assassin was about to connect with her chest, before ducking and dodging the attack. Before the man could rotate towards her again, Hawke stuck his kidney with one dagger and sliced his throat with the other, her movements akin to a graceful dancer. The assassin choked as his blood sprayed out onto the dusty floor and slowly collapsed, revealing the scene of Ash cruelly enclosed in a web of chains. Her heart skipped and she immediately found herself charging towards him, but was stopped short by the horrific scene quickly playing out before her.

What happened after that was a blur to Ash. He could feel himself moving, but it was as if some invisible force controlled his puppet strings. He could feel bones crunching in his hands, blood splattering upon his skin, but it was all a gruesome dream.  _They will not have me. They will not have her_.

Screams bounced around inside his ears, causing him to slip further into the haze invading his head. He couldn’t stop until those screams faded into silence. They would all pay. He could feel their weak attempts to stop him, felt blades and magic alike strike him, but none of them hurt any longer. They would not cause him pain anymore.

Suddenly the leader’s head was in his hands, his eyes filled with terror and shock that his ‘faith’ had not saved him. Ash watched the life fade away from them as the man’s skull gave way under his powerful grip. Just like that, a man who thought himself powerful and infallible was no more. He released the lifeless body and watched it sink to the piss and blood stained dirt, right where it belonged. With a snort, he spit on the corpse, his chest still heaving with adrenaline. _Where was your maker when you needed him most?_

Hawke could only stand there staring for several seconds. Something had triggered inside of her friend, making him reach from within himself and lash out brutally at his foes. She’d seen arms and legs being torn, chest cavities being ripped open, and spines being manipulated in unnatural ways. He had twisted and mangled his enemies like a rabid beast out of its cage. He’d tore them all down without much effort, and for some reason it made her feel ill. She had seen so much gore in her life, she now considered herself desensitized to it. This, however, was beyond anything she had seen without the use of blood magic. This was brute force at its finest. The very idea that one creature could do so much damage with his bare hands was frightening.

She swallowed hard and forced herself back to reality, scanning the area for any attackers who hadn’t already fallen to her companion. Her eyes darted wildly until they caught sight of the mage who had been using magic to restrain him. She forced the image of Ash grabbing the leader by his head from her thoughts and went after the woman, who was trying desperately to escape from the battle like a cowardly rodent. Hawke scowled and felt the need to catch her, to make her pay for what she had done to him. It didn’t take much effort. Mages were slow when they needed to make a quick escape and there was none of their precious lyrium left.

Hawke disengaged the apostate with a flick of the wrist, sending her dagger soaring right into the woman’s shoulder. The girl tripped with a startled scream and collapsed roughly to the ground before squirming and trying to crawl away. Hawke sauntered towards her with a determined glare that could kill. The Mage looked up at Hawke with pleading eyes, begging to be spared, giving every excuse in Thedas why Hawke should. The Viscount wasn’t hearing a word, only feeling the rush of hate flow within her veins. All these apostates who never intended to harm, yet did anyway. Always resorting to aggression and hurting everyone around them. There were always excuses, and always a reason. Mages could not be trusted.

_“I removed the chance of compromise, because there is no compromise…”_

Anders’ words rang through her head, causing a pained expression to spread across her face. He had lied to her, betrayed her. Tears stung the corners of her eyes, but she held them back, concentrating on the seething anger in her chest instead. All mages were the same. She hated how much she loved Anders.

“PLEASE, SPARE MY LIFE!” the woman cried, which broke Hawke of her haunting flashbacks. The woman looked so frightened.

Hawke just looked at the repulsive apostate at her feet; tattered, torn, and bleeding out from her shoulder. She could let her die slowly, and let the struggle take her. Or she could end it for the woman now and give her what she deserved. Hawke gripped her blade tightly and hovered over the woman, struggling with the decision in her head. Never had anyone feared The Champion as much as this Mage did right now. Hawke got right into the girl’s face with a deadly stare.

“There is no compromise,” she whispered bitterly, her words like ice. The apostate’s eyes widened as Hawke shoved a blade into her soft stomach and pulled it right back out, staring in shock as the blood drained from her body. Seconds later, she fell limply to her side. Hawke pulled her other dagger from the woman’s back, stood up slowly, and turned away from the dying mage.

As she did, she saw Ash struggling to remain standing amongst the bloody mess surrounding him. Seeing what he had done slowly returned her to sanity, and she was quick to rush to his aid.

He didn’t think. When he saw something rushing at him, he only reacted. His heart still raced and pounded in his head. His throat was still tight with tension and his entire being filled with anger. It wasn’t just rage over nearly being killed, it was a seething hatred for himself and everything that had happened to him up to this point. Before he could stop himself, Ash snapped his arm out and connected with a soft, small body.

He heard Hawke’s cry of surprise followed by a loud thud that made him cringe and immediately regain some of his senses. He snapped his head over to where the sound had come from and saw her lying there, stunned but not seriously injured. He heaved a small sigh of relief before looking down at the carnage around him, his vision gradually returning to normal. With shaking hands, he slowly lowered to his knees and stared at them, blood stained and knuckles split open.

He didn’t mean to lose control in such a way, but he could not argue with the end results. They were both safe. A bit tore up, but safe none-the-less. Luckily, he didn’t let whatever madness had taken hold of him completely consume him. He glanced back over to Hawke and took a slow, calming breathe. He was grateful for her presence. Hitting her was something he never intended to do, but at least that moment brought him back to the present.

“Hawke,” he told her after a few more moments of tense silence. “Are you alright? Did they hurt you? Did…I hurt you?”

The Champion struggled to sit up after Ash’s outburst had launched her several feet through the air. She landed right on her ass and had gotten the wind knocked out of her, but was okay. Though, she was definitely going to be feeling like horse shit tomorrow. She slowly got to her feet with a grunt and glared at him. She wanted to curse him, but didn’t only because she knew it had come from a mindless place. She recognized a wounded heart all too well. He wasn’t sane, at least not whilst killing nearly every man who lay on the ground in a bloody heap. It was clear he had snapped from the fight, so she griped her fists and pushed the annoyance his small assault had caused away.

He was looking right at her and his eyes pierced through her like daggers, casing any anger inside of her to dissipate. His brow was furrowed with pain, but not over the wounds he had sustained in their fight. What haunted him? What had happed to him while he was away, to cause so much inner rage? Hawke didn’t know the answer to that, but she did know she needed to go to him now. She wanted to show him that he hadn’t harmed her at all, even if the opposite was sorely obvious.

She forced out a laugh. “Hurt me? Maker no, it’s just a scratch…”

The lie wasn’t at all convincing as she limped over to him, a hand pressing against the spot he had struck. He didn’t call her on it, though, so she carefully sat down next to him and kept a wary eye on his movements. She couldn’t deny she was a little troubled by what he’d just done, but she would not be deterred from comforting him; even if that meant sitting causally amongst the carnage they had caused until he calmed down. Hawke took a few breaths then hunched forward to clean off her blades, an action meant simply to keep her hands busy and her mind distracted.

 “How about you?” she asked nervously once the silence had stretched between them for too long. “Are you alright?”

Ash look down at the red marks the magic-infused chains had left on his body, unable to look at Hawke in this moment. He was grateful she did not take his strike personally. “I apologize for laying hand on you. I will be fine,” he told her in a quiet voice before carefully contemplating her question.

Was he alright? No, not in the slightest. That was painfully evident now. Years of being locked up with nothing to do but doubt and grow mad in his solitude had changed him. He never would have lost control like that in the past. They had broken him, something he never thought possible. Or perhaps he had broken himself, and succumbed to this corruption. Whatever the case, he was no longer the same person and that thought actually terrified him.

He once believed he had conquered fear long ago, but he had never faced anything of this magnitude. He didn’t know who he was, or why he still existed, or what he was supposed to do now. That was why he wanted to take his own life, so he wouldn’t have to face that fear. That was why he so easily allowed Hawke to influence him into joining her. He was looking for anything to give him purpose, grasping at some sense of his old life. He glanced up slightly to watch her hands move along her weapon as she wiped the blood away. She did not deserve the burden of his company. What if next time it was _her_ blood he spilled? What if he lost control and she paid the price? What if his following her turned out to be a complete disaster?

Or…what if she was the key to him making it through this? What if her returning to his life in this exact moment in time was some sort of sign? Was fate something he could believe in? He finally looked up at her, his face solemn, but thoughtful. She caught his gaze and smiled slightly, a gesture that seemed out of place in this moment, but somehow it brought him a small amount of solace.

Who was he? He had no clue. He got the feeling that she no longer knew herself either. Perhaps whatever was to come would provide them both with an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you yet again for taking the time to read our story! Just as before, here is some stunning art from TheChampion04. We found Hawke and Ash being crammed together quite amusing and....um....ahem, kinda hot. So we immortalized the moment.
> 
> To see more of TheChampion04's art, click [HERE](http://clarice04.deviantart.com/)
> 
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> To visit KristaRabbit's Tumblr click [ HERE](http://kristarabbit.tumblr.com/)


	3. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.” ― Arthur Miller

 

Ash looked into the mirror of the room Hawke had secured for him in the Hanged Man with a solemn expression. It seemed out of place in such a rundown building. It was spacious and furnished well, almost elegantly. It made him uncomfortable after residing in a cell for so long. He sighed quietly then wandered his eyes over the light chain marks burned into his skin, while Hawke worked on sewing a gash along the back of his shoulder shut. It was the only wound that would not stop bleeding after they had cleaned up. Not bad for being outnumbered by nearly a dozen.

He moved his gaze upwards to stare at her through the reflective glass and released a long breath. She had made several awkward attempts at conversation since they arrived here, but he responded to little of it, no doubt frustrating her. The look on her face showed him her mood had taken a dive, but what was he supposed to say? He felt bad for hurting her. Before they left Darktown she told him he hadn’t, but it was hard to miss the limp in her step and the way she cringed after certain movements. He didn’t just shove her, he had actually launched her roughly through the air. She could deny it all she wanted to, but there was no way that left her unaffected.

Not only that, he was rather put off by the fact that she was Viscount of this shit hole. He had no doubt she was far better at the job than the last one, but he still couldn’t get over it. She now represented everything he had hated about living here years ago, not to mention the human race itself. They were weak, selfish, and always wanted more than they deserved. They took authority for granted and let those beneath them live in deplorable conditions while they sat up on a figurative hill turning their cheek from their plight. The previous Viscount was no different. He sat there in his fancy quarters doing nothing, hoping things would just work themselves out, while his city suffered and scum ran rampant in its streets. He was a sad excuse for a leader and Ash had found great joy in removing his head.

He roamed his eyes over Hawke’s face, not caring if she thought him impolite for staring. She wasn’t even going to tell him. He had to find out from the cultist leader of yet another disgraceful group in the city. Obviously not much had changed under her rule. Was she embarrassed? _He_ would be. She had to have known of his hatred for the one who came before her. Had she told him, he most likely would not have agreed to follow her. It was too late now, he had given his word and he would not go back on that even if he felt a bit tricked by her.

So now here he sat, angered with her, but also concerned over having injured her. It was a surreal feeling and caused much conflict within him. He wasn’t used to caring for a human’s wellbeing and he was unsure how to deal with that sentiment. He moved his lips into a thin line and narrowed his eyes at her for a moment before looking elsewhere, holding his tongue. If he started speaking, he would probably offend her.

“Andraste’s bitch!”

That was number three!

Hawke cursed when another one of her needles broke after her third attempt at threading through Ash’s nearly impenetrable flesh. Until this moment, she didn’t know how thick skinned Qunari were; literally. It was like trying to stab somebody in the heart using a paper dagger.

She ran a frustrated hand through her coal black hair, feeling beads of sweat forming on her brow out of irritation and impatience for her current task. There were two things she was not good at in any way; medical aid and holding back anger. Her mother and sister were always the ones who took care of this sort of thing. Hawke was the one who _took_ the hits, not patched them up. Not that Ash was deserving of such sympathetic treatment from her. He had barely spoken a peep since they left the undercity, only offering scowls and sneers. He was obviously peeved by something and not telling her was enough to drive her crazy.  

Perhaps he was mad at himself, not her? Maybe hitting her was enough to make him resort to silence. It was a long shot, but thinking about it somehow only made her feel worse. The last thing she wanted Ash to think was that he hurt her or had caused her pain. She took a breath in, feeling a small sting in her lungs as she did so. So maybe he _had_ injured her, but she knew he didn’t mean to. The way he behaved afterwards showed her that.

He seemed very remorseful and concerned over what he had done, surprising Hawke. The Arishok she knew long ago would not have batted an eyelash over her being wounded. She thought on that for a moment. No, that wasn’t true. Was it? They grew close enough back then for her to consider him a friend. Surely he felt something if he were willing to risk his position to let her live?

She couldn’t help but wonder what had changed inside of him to make him sympathetic. She never thought him capable. Did his compassion extend to others or was she just an exception for him? She couldn’t imagine him being this way over many other people.

She swallowed and pushed thoughts like that from her mind. She knew better than to allow herself to get close to anyone, not anymore. And this was the _Arishok_ ; it was silly to think for a second that he gave a damn about her.  She knew he didn’t care. Trying to convince herself otherwise was a waste of time. She frowned deeply at this revelation and sighed.

His staring at her wasn’t helping either. Why was he looking at her with such confusion; even discontent? He never flinched from the prick of the needles, so it couldn’t be from anything that stung. It was as if he were… disappointed? Now that she thought about it, she began to recognize the expression; only it was harder to depict from such a harsh face. However, it looked almost identical to the one her mother would make whenever she disapproved of her decisions.

_Great_.

But how could she know for sure that he was disapproving? He wasn’t saying a word; just grunts, groans, and long resounding sighs. Hawke shuffled through her pack hoping to find one more needle, feeling Ash eyeing her as she searched aimlessly for a way out of this awkwardness. To her good fortune, she found one last needle miraculously at the bottom. She leaned over to rinse the delicate piece of metal in warm water then proceeded to finish off the stitch in hopes to secure the laceration. The rogue playing doctor made a huff as she hunched over his enormous shoulder, concentrating hard on the area so she could angle the needle more properly.

After several more moments of torturous silence, courage managed to formulate into words while she slid the pointed end into his skin meticulously. “So, if I may ask, when will your vow of silence end?”

He clenched his jaw at the question and released a long breath through his nose, wishing she would just stop pushing. This was Hawke he was talking about, though. The woman was incapable of letting things go. He looked down at his hands, which had only stopped shaking a short time ago. What happened in Darktown had disturbed him greatly. It wasn’t like him to lose control of his emotions and thoughts in such a way. He felt like a different person, and he didn’t like who he had become.

He turned his attention back to her, noting the air of annoyance radiating off of her. What did _she_ have to be irritated about? She had gone years without hearing him speak, she could wait awhile longer while he worked through things. Or was she cross about something else? Perhaps his strike against her _had_ affected her state of mind more than she was letting on. There was also the possibility that his violent outburst had changed her opinion of him and she was now regretting asking him along.

_Good. That makes two of us._

He grit his teeth a moment and squared his shoulders a bit before finally deciding to give voice to his thoughts. She wouldn’t like what he had to say, but she had asked for it. Perhaps this would teach her that sometimes silence was the best policy.

“I don’t know Hawke. It seems to me you should be the one doing the talking. Is there anything else you want to tell me before I’m deceived into doing anything else for you _Viscount_?” he asked, his voice cold and condescending. He moved his gaze back to hers and looked right into her eyes, challenging her. The very idea of him working for a person with that title after everything that had happened made him want to punch a hole through the nearest wall.

Hawke jabbed the needle into his shoulder out of instinct and pure annoyance. “I knew it! I knew that would make you angry!”

She didn’t care if the stabbing him wasn’t all that effective, it sent a message which was all that mattered. It was also the only thing that was making her feel better. However, glancing down at it now seemed almost pathetic. It was like looking at a nail hammered inside a wall of stone.

Had he still been the Arishok, he probably would’ve threatened to decapitate _her_ this time. Yet, he was holding back, which actually made Hawke upset for some reason. It wasn’t as if she was eager to depart with her head; she rather liked it, but him being so quiet and broody about it instead of taking action like he had long ago was frustrating. How was she supposed to speak to him now? How was she supposed to behave around him?

He was showing no signs of pain from his wound, to no surprise, but he still looked hurt. She knew that not relaying that bit of political detail of her new position to be a bit underhanded, but she never saw it as a lie. She most certainly didn’t intend for it to upset him. Becoming Viscount was something even she hadn’t expected, but she was encouraged by not only her peers, but all who believed in her.

Besides that, she believed in Kirkwall. It was a way for her to not only shine, but to be a symbol of hope for the crumbling and corrupted city that had taken her and her family in so long ago. It was a chance for her to make things better. How could she refuse that opportunity? She took on that role with no thoughts of ever seeing Ash again. His judgment now was laced all over his expression, but Hawke possessed no remorse over trying to help Kirkwall.

Yes, she was Viscount, but she was a damn good one. Even if she did hate paperwork.

Ash scowled and finally turned in his seat to look at her, not caring if she was done sewing or not. Even sitting, he was eye level with her so turning brought them face to face, only a few inches apart. He wasn’t expecting her to be so close. His eyes first widened slightly then his brow furrowed deep while he waited for her to step back. She didn’t of course.  _Typical._  Just like her to stand her ground even when her opponent was twice her size. So be it. If she wanted to get yelled at right in her face, that was her problem.

“You _knew_ it would make me mad yet you still kept it from me?!” he growled out, trying to keep his voice down so the entire building wouldn’t hear. “What were you going to do Hawke? Take me into the City _you_ run and hope I wouldn’t notice? How do you think I feel knowing that I have now sworn myself to the _Viscount_ of Kirkwall? Do you not remember what happened all those years ago?” he added, not able to stop himself at this point. _Now_ he was mad, his eyes lit up with fire and his breathing slightly heavier. He could tell his words were only upsetting her further, but she was the one who had pressed. “What is wrong with you? Do you think it’s funny to have the former Arishok at your side after I tried to destroy your city? This is a mockery. People will look at us and praise the mighty Champion of Kirkwall for taming the Qunari beast who once stood so proud. Is that what you want? For me to look like a fool? And if you’re going to take your aggression out on me, I suggest you try something besides stabbing me with a needle!”

She stared at him for several seconds, her mouth slightly agape. For once in her life Hawke found herself speechless and unable to find the words to answer. Of course he wasn't a fool, nor did she think he was some sort of prize she could put on display had she brought him to the Keep. In all honesty, Hawke didn't really know _what_ to expect or what she was supposed to do. Saving him was probably one of the most spontaneous things she had ever done. She hadn’t been thinking about the consequences, only that she didn't want him to die.

How could she tell him that now? All this seemed like a huge mess. She was fortunate he wasn't so upset that he was storming out and leaving to continue where he left off on the beach.

Instead, he was staring daggers at her and now she understood why. No wonder he had been so quiet. Just as she had thought, he wasn’t concerned over her. He only cared that his precious reputation was being tarnished by being in the company of the Viscount. What had he expected her to do? Say ‘Oh please don’t kill yourself, oh by the way I lead the city you hate now’? It wasn’t something you just randomly brought up while trying to keep a person alive. Still, it was wrong of her to keep such a large thing from him.

"You're right. I should have told you,” she started, trying desperately to search for words, “but had I done that, you wouldn't have come with me! You would have stabbed yourself in the heart. Like I told you before, I couldn't let you do it.  I _was_ going to tell you, but only after the tension of the situation had passed! I'm hardly in the office anyway. It's not like I go around parading myself around town, and I'm not the type to showcase my partners. I can be discrete!"

Hawke couldn't think of anything else to say and she wasn’t even sure if she had said the right thing. She was used to always having the perfect words in almost every situation, but this was unlike anything she had ever experienced. Their situation was absolutely ridiculous, and almost unbelievable if you really thought about it. She turned her eyes to him, trying her best not to waver under his intimidating gaze. She wasn't sure if what she was saying was processing as good or bad in his mind. Was he listening or calculating ways to rid himself of her?

He glared further, wishing he had never come here to this cursed place. It had always brought him nothing but trouble. Why in Thedas did he think that would change now? How could he possibly have thought this his only other home?

Hawke’s reasoning was absolute shit. She was hardly in office, so she didn’t think it mattered if she kept it from him? That was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Not only was it a weak explanation, she just admitted to him that she hardly did her job. She should have been honest and upfront with him. Maybe he would have respected her enough to still come with her had she been brave enough to tell him the truth knowing how he felt about the title. That would have taken guts. It would have shown him she was willing to stand up for her position, no matter what anyone thought. Keeping it from him simply because she was afraid of him knowing was enough to rile him up just enough to speak without thinking.

“How can you be so stupid Hawke? You asked me to come along with no thought of what that decision would bring down upon you. You always do irresponsible things without thinking like a child. That is why all the people around you die.”

He knew it was the wrong thing to say the second it had slipped past his lips. He cringed inwardly as her eyes widened at his words, but remained stubborn and challenging on the outside. His mouth moved into a thin line and his jaw clenched, keeping him from speaking further. He may not have been able to stop himself in time to keep that last overly harsh remark from blurting out, but he would stop himself from making anymore.

Hawke stood there stunned and infuriated by his hurtful words, surprised at how well he could dig into her skin and twist her heart until she could no longer breathe. How could he say such a thing to her when he knew how much the loss of her loved ones affected her? He pulled her out of the ocean for Maker’s sake!

She wanted to hit him across his insufferable face! Right now she was second guessing ever caring about him living or dying. Is this what she brought upon herself? Judgment and hateful words from a man that had never really liked her in the first place? So he blamed her then? Just like everyone else.

_If you weren’t such a failure your mother would still be alive._

_If you took better care of your family, you wouldn’t have lost Carver or Bethany._

_The chantry is gone because of you._

_Anders is gone because of you._

_This war is your fault._

_Everything is your fault._

She stuttered for a moment, anger and hurt making it nearly impossible to find her words. Then, sudden thoughts of poison came to mind and she was unable to stop herself.

"You will not speak of _any_ of them!" she spat getting right into his face. "What right do _you_ have accusing me of stupidity when you couldn't even catch one thief?! Where have your actions gotten you? Oh yes, that's right! Exiled and casted out like a useless dog!"

She wouldn't allow him the last word, this was a fight she was desperate to win. She was so sick of being torn down for every decision she made and blamed for every bad thing that happened. She couldn’t deal with that any longer, especially not from somebody who was going to be her companion when she traveled. That was, if he even would be after this. Right now she didn’t care if he stormed out the door and jumped off of a cliff.

Ash widened his eyes momentarily, feeling as though she had punched him right in the gut. Maybe she had and he was just too stunned to notice.

_WHAT did she just say to me?_

Maybe he deserved it. Maybe after what he had said he had it coming, but his hand seemed to have a mind of his own and didn’t care. Before he could think it through, he had a hold of her neck, his fingers digging into the back of it slightly while his thumb pushed her chin up so she could look right up into his eyes while a sneer formed on his face. He yanked her closer until their faces were inches apart and growled, his breath blowing the hair on her forehead to the side slightly.

“Useless dog?” he asked ominously, his voice much too calm for the anger building inside of him. “Was I useless when I took an arrow for you? When I had the evil magic of a Saarebas infect me, chains burning into my flesh while trying to defend you?” His voice faltered, the emotions he was feeling finally getting the best of him. When he continued, he practically bellowed, not caring if the entire city of Kirkwall heard. “Was I useless when I destroyed my entire life years ago because I spared yours?! If it wasn’t for this damned weakness I have for you, you’d be _dead_! So just how useless am I Hawke?! Because it seems to me I’ve been very useful to you!”

When he finished he was shaking again and trying hard to keep himself under control. The anger inside was powerful and consumed him until it was blinding. He let it get the best of him hours ago and he was doing it again now, but this wasn’t a chantry thug trying to kill him. This was Hawke. It was Hawke. He let her name fill his head for a few seconds before his eyes finally went from enraged to almost pained, his brows dropping at the sides and his face asking the question he could not speak:  _What have I done?_

He stared at her, time frozen for him, his breathing heavy and his insides feeling as if they were going to explode. What was wrong with him? He didn’t know how much time was passed as he sat there holding her in place, but the look she was giving him made him feel like a monster. What if he had gone too far? What if he had shoved her head back just a bit more and snapped her neck? Hawke, the only person who had given a damn about what happened to him in years. Hawke, the only person to give a shit if he lived or died. He swallowed hard, his throat now closed from the dread welling up inside of it. “Hawke….”

Hawke felt the tension of his grip loosen from around her neck. The pleading look in his eyes and the trouble behind them distracted her from the anger brewing in her gut. When he had first wrapped his hand around her throat, panic and seething anger had taken told of her. She’d been prepared to fight him tooth and nail and make him pay for laying a hand on her. Now, her face flushed and went hot. His remorse was more than enough to keep her from wanting to punch him square in the jaw after what was said.

What would normally cause her to hate him with a passion did only the opposite. Instead, she was surprisingly calm as he stared down at her with an expression so lost it made her heart bleed. She stared deep into his eyes and saw all of the demons haunting him. It made her chest ache with sadness.

Her muscles reacted against her will as she released her grip on his wrist to cover his hand with her own instead. It was then she noticed he wasn’t viciously holding her anymore, just….holding her. Her mind began to see nothing but him. Her entire world felt as if it was shifting right from under her, that if she didn’t hold onto him now she would lose him forever. How could that be? After what he had just done, how was it possible to feel like the only thing that mattered was for him to remain in her life?

With so many thoughts and feelings suddenly crashing through her, Hawke could think of nothing to do but to test them. She felt her fingers trace the surface of his and curled them around his palm in an effort to release his hold on her. At that moment, she felt his hand move upwards with her own.

Ash watched his fingers trail from her neck to the underside of her chin, then across the line of her jaw, his head swimming with many emotions at once. He couldn’t recall ever feeling so much. The guilt was prevalent, but there was something else; something unfamiliar and thick in his chest that left him barely able to take a breath.  

Her skin was soft and for these brief new moments he needed to touch her, to remember how delicate and breakable she was. He felt her fingers move lightly with his and sensed himself slowly coming back from whatever madness he had let himself fall into. He released a shaken breath and allowed his eyes to fall across her face, taking in every detail about her. He had never been so close to her before. She should be hitting him now, cursing him in anger. He laid his hands on her for the second time that day. Instead, she permitted him to touch her once more and looked upon him with eyes that saw right through him. He felt exposed before her, but did nothing to stop it. 

_Let her see._

“Ash,” she whispered almost silently, but knew he heard her when he replied with a soft rumble in his throat. That one sound caused her to lose herself even further and the warmth in her chest to spread. He led their hands as she felt his gentle touch against the soft surface of her warm cheeks, still red from her emotions. She felt his entire upper body lean in closer her, invading her personal space, but she didn’t even care. His enormous hand against her face was like a dream she never thought she’d have again.

He felt as if he was being pushed forward by an invisible force, leaning in until their foreheads touched just barely. The second they made contact it was as if everything- all the tension, the confusion, the pain- left him, flowing out of him like a river leading to the ocean. For a few brief seconds there was peace. Everything that had been quelling in him before was quiet. It was a sense of overwhelming relief; so much so, he was able to release a breathy sigh and allow his shoulders to slowly untense and lower.

Hawke’s heart was thumping violently. She didn’t want them to, not now, but thoughts of Anders began to flash in her memory once again, causing her mind began to reel into a panic. What was going on? Why was Ash suddenly touching her like this, and why was he leaning into her? The feel of his head touching hers finally broke her spell, and she blinked wildly in realization of what was happening, or about to happen.

She snapped back to her senses so quickly it felt like a slap to the face.

Now in her right mind, she tensed at Ash’s closeness and took a slight step back before dropping her gaze to him. How long had she been staring at his eyes? She shook her head, feeling incredibly foolish.

He blinked and looked up at her, his expression just as dazed and surprised as hers was. His hand slowly lowered now that it was no longer in contact with her and he averted his gaze, clearing his throat loudly. She frowned and tried to bring her heartbeat back to a normal pace. Look at him, he was horrified. It made her face flush red with embarrassment. Suddenly, she wanted to be anywhere but here.

“I—I’m sorry I…need a drink,” she muttered, her voice shaken as she broke free from him. Hawke turned and headed towards the exit out of Varric’s room before they had time to start an awkward conversation. She hesitated at the doorway, though, and found herself holding back and turning to look at Ash from over her shoulder.  “You look like you could use one too.”

He kept his eyes away from her, feeling incredibly uncomfortable over whatever had just happened. A drink sounded great. He hadn’t had one in so many years he had nearly forgotten the taste and he definitely needed to relax. First, though, he needed a few moments to compose himself before being around anyone. “Yes, uhh…I’ll be down shortly,” he told her, his head filled with a thousand thoughts.

Once she had gone, he released a loud breath and stood, running both of his hands through his hair. There was something seriously wrong with him. Had years of being locked up rattled his brain? His conduct lately was completely unlike him. He was falling apart so quickly it was alarming. He almost wished his kith had broken his mind and shoved him in with the rest of the laborers. That had to be better than this erratic behavior. At least then he wouldn’t be going from angry to confused to angry again to whatever he had just felt with his face practically smashed against Hawke’s, and all in a short period of time.

What had he been thinking? He was no virginal fool. He knew very well what his actions had meant. When he was still Arishok, before he originally came to Kirkwall, he had people brought to him whenever he felt the need to release himself. He knew all about sex and physical pleasure and how it affected the body, the high it gave you. But _that_ was something entirely new to him. _That_ was him acting on emotion, emotion he wasn’t even supposed to have. He didn’t even see her that way, she was a _human_ after all. Never once in his life did he look upon one and feel the urge to bed them. They were much too fragile. If he tried, he’d probably break them.

So what had that been about? And why did the daft woman let him? She seemed to be just as caught up in whatever happened as he had been. Lucky for the both of them, she had the good sense to pull away before they did something incredibly stupid. And what of him? Why did Hawke have enough willpower to pull away whereas he did not? Had he really become that unrestrained with himself? Even though he had not touched a female, or male, in more years than he could remember, that was no excuse for him to throw his face at the first one that popped up in front of him.

He took a few deep breaths and tried to center himself. This was not him. He had shown restraint and control his entire life. Perhaps the day had simply been too overwhelming for him, a thought that made him curse himself inwardly. He went from the brink of death twice and struggled with life decisions so many times in his head, he could barely think straight. He needed to stop letting his situation get the better of him. He would force these weak useless things known as feelings back into submission and start viewing things from a logical standpoint. If he didn’t, he was going to turn into the pathetic Bas he had looked down upon with scorn his entire life. He didn’t have to follow the Qun anymore and he didn’t care to. The Qun had forsaken him, but he could definitely follow his own set of standards and stop shaming himself by acting like an over-emotional fool.

He paced the room for a good while, his eyes wandering to the door several times. He could either go down into the bar area and share a drink with the woman who was responsible for most of these revolting emotions he was currently struggling with, or leave while she wasn’t looking and never return to this wretched place again. That would mean going back on his word, which he hated to do, but was she not better off without him? He had proven he was not in control of himself twice today. He didn’t know how to deal with his new ‘life’ outside of the Qun, and that could be dangerous for the both of them until he learned how. He needed to figure out how to exist again outside of that cell and there was nothing she could do to help with that. This was his burden to bear, not hers.

He stopped moving and sighed, staring down at his feet and contemplating the events of the past several weeks carefully. He realized he had gotten so angry with Hawke because she was right. Everything she said about him was true. He _was_ a failure, he _was_ useless, and he had no right to look upon her with disdain. That could also explain why he had nearly let himself vent by latching onto her. She was right and he hated it.

He did what he did because she was the first person to try and show him that he could actually live again, even if he didn’t want to; even if he had no idea what he was doing. He did it because she made him weak, he hadn’t been wrong about that part. Even years ago, that was true. Even back then, the thought of harming her was enough to destroy him. And it had. Now here she was, trying to pick up his pieces. He would not let her. No more leaning on Hawke, no more letting her influence him. He was going to pick _himself_ up, stop behaving like a tantrum throwing infant, and do as he had promised her.

He looked to the door, his jaw clenched and his eyes uncertain. She was the only thing he had left from his old life. She was the only thing left to cling to that reminded him of the Qunari he used to be. If he was trying to live outside of that world, it would make sense for him to just leave her behind as well.

But, what challenge would that be? How was he supposed to prove that he could conquer himself if he ran from every part of his old existence? No. He wouldn’t let her go, not yet. He had a lot to prove, to her and to himself. With a long breath, he slowly moved to the door and wandered off to find her. Yeah, a drink sounded nice.

Hawke was surprised when she looked up from the bar to find Ash slowly approaching her. After what happened, she was certain he would cut his losses and run for the hills. A part of her hoped he would so she wouldn’t have to face him, but only a small part. The rest of her was so relieved she nearly sighed out loud. Her heart was still pounding, and when he took a seat beside her she couldn’t even turn to look at him.

Why had she been so weak with him back there? And what the hell had passed between them? She had never seen nor heard of a Qunari expressing so much emotion like that. Yet, when he looked into her eyes she felt his nearly pouring over her like heavy rain. Hawke could barely keep her head on straight after such an encounter. Which was not good, considering she needed to focus on her impending meeting with whomever wanted to meet with her.

Word had gotten to her network that it might be a Grey Warden requesting to speak with her, but that was all she knew; no age, gender, or name specified. Somebody was going through a lot of trouble to remain anonymous. Luckily, secrets were hard to keep from her. She had eyes and ears everywhere so she at least had a small idea what she was up against. But, why would a Warden be looking for her? She could only think of one possibility.

Her sister, Bethany.

Hawke hoped with everything she had it was her, but didn’t like to get her hopes up these days. Still, her chest tightened at the thought. Bethany was the only family in Thedas she had left, and she would give anything to see her again. She was anxious to meet this contact so she could find out as quickly as possible if her wish would come true. Though, at the moment she was far too flustered with her interlude with Ash to do much of anything.  She needed a bit of time to gain back some of her sanity. Tossing back a pint always seemed to do the trick.

Hawke forced herself to bury her pestering feelings for Ash; at least until she had more time to think on them later. She didn’t even know _why_ she was having them all of a sudden. Sure, she had missed him, but things had never been that way between them before. There was no reason they would be now. Whatever the case, if they were to keep each other’s company their recent behavior would need to desist. And not just momentary spark they’d shared, but the violent tendencies as well. Today had contained enough drama to last her a good while.

She grumbled and turned her eyes to the barkeep, raising her hand to get his attention. Her chest was blazing hot with fire. Booze was desperately needed to douse the flames. She straightened her posture and dared a glance towards Ash, who looked to have been eying her this entire time. His face was pondering and thoughtful in a handsome way, softening his usually severe features. She relaxed slightly, seeing as he didn’t appear to be angry. He was always so marvelous to look at despite the harshness. Not that she didn't find that part of him attractive; his immensity, his muscles, his horns......

_FOCUS HAWKE!_

She snapped her eyes away quickly and cleared her throat. She needed someone to slap her immediately. Luckily, the bartender was now in front of her, saving her from anymore preposterous thoughts. “A pint of the house special for me and my friend. Just put it on my tab."

Ash kept his eyes on her a moment longer before roaming his gaze across the musty room. The place was disgusting. It was dirty, smelled of vomit, alcohol, and sex, and he was pretty sure that was blood stained into several spots on the floor. He snorted and tried to relax before noting that Hawke was intentionally leaning away, putting distance between them. He chose to ignore her awkwardness towards him for the time being and focus on what they were supposed to be doing. Dwelling on what had happened was pointless. They would be wise to simply pretend it never did. Once there was a drink in front of him, he quickly had the mug to his lips and began examining people over the rim subtly.

Most were just pathetic wastes of human flesh, drinking away their lives. Nothing notable there. A few were obviously carta members, they didn’t interest him either. He did take extra time inspecting several shadier looking characters, but they didn’t glance his way once. Not who they were looking for. Then he saw him. Seated near the door was a man with his hood up in an attempt to hide his face. Ash caught his gaze as he glanced their way, causing the character to look away much too quickly. He was fidgety and kept rubbing his hand with the other nervously. If that wasn’t their guy, Ash would eat a sword. He stared brazenly for several moments, slowly lowering his mug while waiting for the guy to look at him again just to be certain.

When it finally happened, he turned and straightened in his chair again, speaking quietly to Hawke. “Found your contact. The table near the door.”

Hawke nearly spit her drink across the bar when Ash’s voice broke through her distracted thoughts. She shot an uneasy glance up to him, but quickly repressed her discomfort when she saw his expression. Somehow, he had shifted completely back into the man she remembered. He was calm and stern, very much the Arishok right now. A slight smirk crept upon her face as she wondered what he had done while alone to regain his senses.

She eyed him for a few moments longer before questioningly following his gesture to the dark figure in the corner. He looked suspicious, yes, but The Hanged Man wasn’t exactly known for housing saints. The man could be here for anything.

Now overly curious, Hawke leaned over slightly and whispered, “How do you know?”

Ash took another sip and kept his gaze forward, not bothering to look back at their shifty friend. He spoke quietly and hummed in his chest before clueing her in. “He’s too nervous. Keeps glancing around like he’s afraid he’ll get caught. He can’t keep his hands still. Hood is up to hide his identity. He keeps checking the pocket in the chest of his coat. He no doubt has something to hand off to you. And he smells suspicious,” he explained, crinkling his nose. “Also, he keeps looking over here. So either he thinks one of us is pretty, or he’s here for you. He’s probably hesitating because of me.”

Hawke couldn’t help but laugh quietly at the notion of a nervous human male finding Ash attractive and thinking of ways to approach him. It was hilarious to picture and she could only imagine what the massive Qunari would do. She shot a smirk at him, surprised that he was making jokes after the fiasco back in Varric’s room.

She then turned subtly to observe the fidgeting character in the corner, impressed with Ash’s ability to evaluate the individual using deductive reasoning. She was enthralled by his skill in sizing up his surroundings and wondered how far his level of proficiency could go. She noticed the man was indeed behaving very nervously then glanced to her companion for a moment while he drank casually from his glass. Of course the man was hesitating, who wouldn’t? Ash was probably one of the biggest Qunari he had ever seen.

Hawke gave a slight chuckle, amused now by the situation. She took another swig from her own glass before scooting off of the stool and standing. “Watch this.”

Ash raised his brow and she took a deep breath before sauntering over to the cloaked man as confidentially as she could, nearly shoving aside one of the tavern workers in the process. The elven lad stumbled on his feet trying not to spill the tray of empty dishes, but she disregarded him completely. She was on a mission, no time for manners now.

Once she was upon her guest, she grabbed the chair opposite of him, gave it a one-eighty turn, and straddled herself on its seat, resting her arms across the back of it. She tilted her head to the side trying to catch glimpse of the man’s face, but he was doing a fairly good job of keeping it hidden. They sat there locked in place for several tense moments of silence while she simply ignored her fellow patrons eyeballing her actions. When she finally spoke it was a little too loudly, but she didn’t much care.

“I hear you’re looking for The Champion of Kirkwall. I am she,” she informed him, motioning to herself as if he was the luckiest bastard in Thedas. “I do believe we have matters to discuss? What requires my attention this time?”

The messenger seemed put off by her careless introduction, but was given strict orders. He had no choice but to respond. “I---I was paid to deliver a message to you,” he started before pulling a note from his person and sliding it over to her, “but I can’t say by who. The message says to meet down at the Bone Pits. There is an abandoned mine where your contact will be waiting for you.”

His accent was Ferelden and his voice shook with each word, making Hawke less weary of the man. He was too frightened to be much of a threat. She began wondering who her contact could possibly be. Maybe it really was Bethany? She didn’t know who else could possibly need to speak with her so inconspicuously. On the other hand, what if this was a trap? She nearly got herself killed in Darktown just a few hours ago with fanatics wanting her dead, so she wasn’t counting that possibility out.

“That’s asking for a lot coming from someone I don’t even know. How do I know you’re not luring me into a trap?” She sneered at the fellow, pointing at him with an accusing finger. If he were lying, she would get it out of him. “You’ve got a lot of nerve coming in here and expecting I fall for such tripe.”

Once she was done calling her mysterious friend out, she signaled for Ash without turning her head and hoped to the Maker he would get up off his ass to join her; just in case her suspicions turned out to be true.

He watched the entire scene apprehensively, not sure if he should be impressed or annoyed with her complete lack of subtlety. She certainly wasn’t one for tact was she? All eyes on Hawke, like always. He sorted then put his drink down when she waved for him to come over. So now he was supposed to just jump up and run to her like an obedient puppy every time she waltzed into possible peril? How was this woman still alive?

He sighed and stood with a grumble before moving across the room, the many eyes on him making him uncomfortable. Luckily, he wasn’t the only one of his kind in the tavern, so the sight of another wasn’t anything special. There was a Tal Vashoth mercenary who appeared to be looking for work eyeing him closely. With a little luck the worm wouldn’t recognize him and everybody else would just assume he too was another hireling. He swore under his breath and considered kicking Hawke’s chair out from under her when he reached her. If he got discovered because she liked to put on a show, he would kick her ass down the streets and _really_ give the people of Kirkwall something to look at.

Once he had taken a seat, he moved his eyes up and down the jittery messenger and gave a loud snort, causing the man to jump. This one was definitely no professional. Ash doubted he presented much danger. Still, human dogs were deceitful and one had to always be on guard while around them lest they try their trickery. He leaned towards the man and narrowed his eyes, speaking with a rather menacing tone just to mess him. “If this is a trick, I’m eating you.”

Hawke wanted to bust a gut laughing after hearing Ash threaten the poor bastard, but it was too much fun not to keep it going. So, she sat up straight and stared seriously, getting a good look at his eyes this time. “He’s not joking. My friend here is starving.”

She gave him a sniff, as if to make sure the hireling was suitable for consumption, before adding to their ruse. “I say we bring you along to meet this boss of yours,” Hawke hissed, suddenly yanking the man by his collar and pulling him closer to meet her fiery gaze, “because I’m feeling a bit famished myself. The big guy doesn’t like to share.”

Ash stole a glance between them and watched as the man’s eyes widened and he tried to figure out if they were joking or not.

“Oh come on you’re not really going to—,” he started, but quickly shut up and made a startled sound when Ash growled loudly and stabbed a fork into the table right by one of his hands. He snapped the nearly skewered hand away and shook his head rapidly. By now most of The Hanged Man was watching their little interchange.

“Wait! No! This person isn’t my boss! They just paid me some gold to get you the message! I swear!” The guy was in a full blown panic now and raised his hands as if he could actually defend himself should the big scary Qunari in the room try to take a bite out of him. “Don’t eat me! I have kids!”

Ash snorted then draped an arm along the table, leaning even closer. “You don’t have kids.”

The messenger’s eyes widened and he darted his eyes between them, sweat lining his brown. “Okay! I don’t have kids, but I _want_ to one day!”

Ash wanted to laugh. In fact it was the first time in many years that he had the urge to. It felt good. Amusement at the expense of others had always brought him joy, something not many people would know about him. As Arishok, he had been required to be serious and menacing at all times, to represent the image of the Antaam well. There were times, though, when he would find ways to humor himself when he was alone. It was somewhat freeing that he was able to do so now without giving a shit what others thought.

He brought his attention back to the sniveling human before them then moved his gaze to Hawke. “He doesn’t know anything. Just a lackey,” he said casually before snapping his eyes back to their victim. “I have your scent. If you tell anybody about this I will sniff you out no matter where you are hiding.”

The man was near to fainting now. Ash wouldn’t be surprised if he had wet his draws.

“Ahh! Maker, I won’t! I promise!”

Hawke snorted and let go of the sad excuse for a go-between. He practically fell onto the floor while heaving breaths and holding in his pounding heart. They had frightened the Maker out of the man and Hawke gave him a disgusted look as she pushed the chair out from under her.

“I suggest you go back home and find proper coin that doesn’t get your knickers soaked.” She tossed a table napkin at the courier’s face while Ash proceeded to follow her lead. “Clean yourself up. People eat here.”

She turned to face Ash as she prepared to leave, and gave him a sunny smile as if nothing absurd just happened. “Ready?”

He glanced once more at the man, who was now scrambling towards the exit as fast as his legs could take him; much to the amusement of the other customers. Having people’s laughter fill the air around him because of he and Hawke’s actions was an odd feeling for him. It was the first time in his life it had ever happened. It felt almost surreal. He glanced down at her and gave her the tiniest of smiles; though with his naturally callous face it probably looked more like a cringe.

“No,” he said a few seconds later, causing her eyebrows to move upwards in question.

He turned and moved back across the room, his more serious demeanor returning as he approached the bar. He felt slightly more comfortable inside the tavern now that the mood had lightened considerably, but even that wasn’t enough to let his guard down. Whoever wanted to meet with Hawke might not be as big of a boob as the messenger had been.

He reached out and grabbed his still half-full drink off the bar top before putting it to his lips and downing the rest of it. There was no sense in letting a perfectly good glass of alcohol go to waste. The liquid felt good moving down his throat and warming his gut, and he made a satisfied sound once it was gone. He then moved back in Hawke’s direction and towards the door, nudging her with his shoulder as he passed her. “Now I’m ready.”

Hawke smiled before following him out onto the dark streets, unable to stop her face from turning red after the spectacle they had just made of themselves. She made it a point to walk a few steps behind him for a bit to hide her flushed face in the shadows. As they moved through the darkness, she reached up to touch her arm where he had pushed against her briefly and swallowed hard.

The things Ash did to make her blush were becoming countless. She had to shock herself back to reality every time they happened. The only problem was, each moment was happening more and more frequently. She felt like a fool for reacting to him in such a way, and after only one day. What would happen in a week?

She tried to remember if it had always been like this between them; one moment at each other’s throats, the next behaving like close friends. They had disagreements back then, yes, but she could not recall it ever being this intense. Had they both changed so much? She took a deep breath and decided to stop dwelling on it. There was no rush to figure everything out here and now. He would be with her for a while, wouldn’t he?

If they had just gotten past all of the tension this day had wrought, then it was a strong possibility. Most would have pulled their hair out and ran. A small smile touched her lips at the thought and she sighed happily before straightening her shoulders and moving ahead of him, leading them towards the stables near Kirkwall’s entrance.

The walk was spent without a word between them, both lost in their own thoughts. The stables were a fairly new addition to Kirkwall. After Hawke assumed control, she took several steps to eliminate open racism and make her city a hospitable place for _all_ travelers, whether they came from inland or by sea. Whether they were mage, elf, Qunari, or anything of the like. The stables were simply one way to show those venturing here that they were welcome.

The city had too bloody a past; a past she herself had played a part in. It was her goal to bring it back from tragedy and make it stronger than ever; so that it might stand against all odds with a united people from all races and walks of life. By the time she left office, she wanted Kirkwall to be proof that anyone or anything could return from nothing and stand tall. She glanced to Ash briefly. Apparently those ideals even extended to her friends and personal life. Just like her broken city, he was just one more thing she was trying desperately to fix.

Once they reached their destination, he seemed a bit put off once the smell of straw, feed, and manure filled the air and hung back while she strolled inside and glanced around. It seemed that the stables were busy even at this time of night. She went straight towards one of the elven stable boys and dropped a few coins into his hand. “I’m taking a small ride. Would you run along and get my horse for me?”

The boy looked up at her and widened his eyes, recognizing her immediately. She smiled at him softly before he ran off to do as she had asked. It was good to see that elves were given employment throughout the city instead of being forgotten in the Alienage. Another example of the changes she had made. While she waited, she made a quick glance towards Ash from over her shoulder. He had still refused to come inside. Was he afraid of horses or something? She nearly laughed out loud at the thought. He didn’t seem the type to be afraid of much.

After a few minutes, the boy returned with a gallant black steed trailing behind him. He kept glancing past her to the large Qunari outside with narrowed eyes, most likely suspicious of him. Most of the city’s residents were still wary of them, but it was nowhere near as bad as it had been after the attack. Hawke sighed softly and nodded at the boy as he handed the reigns over to her carefully. So much work was still to be done if she was ever going to convince these people to truly live in harmony.

She waved the boy off, but not before slipping a few extra coins into his hands. He needed it more than she did.  Then, she slowly led her horse out to where Ash was waiting. It had been too long since she’d gone riding. She almost felt bad for neglecting the mount for so long. She didn’t have much time for travel or leisurely rides these days. Being Viscount left her little room for personal time and she preferred it that way. With Varric gone and Aveline constantly busy, what would she do besides sit in her home by herself? Too much time alone with her thoughts was not a good thing. Those thoughts only reminded her of things she would rather forget.

She patted Mal gently against his shoulder and kissed his furry nose. Normally he was quite an excitable animal so she was surprised he wasn’t becoming spooked by Ash’s presence. She smiled between the two and slowly pulled herself up into the saddle. That said a lot about her Qunari companion. Horses were a great judge of character.

“Ash did you want a mount? I wasn’t sure if you rode. This is Mal.” Hawke grinned as she made her formal introductions. “Mal I’d like you to meet Ash, he’ll be traveling with us for a while.”

Ash looked at her like she had gone daft for a moment before eyeing the horse. Was he supposed to say hello? He shifted awkwardly before giving it a small pat on the neck and clearing his throat. “Uh…Nice to meet you.”

He glanced to Hawke with a raised brow, the corner of his upper lip raised slightly as if she had just done something unpleasant, before heading back down the path through the darkness. He ignored her question completely, simply wanting to stop fooling around and get this over with. He didn’t need a horse, he could keep up with one on foot as long as it didn’t take off at break neck speeds. He heard Hawke make a sound of disapproval behind him, but paid no mind to it; concentrating instead on their short mission. This was not an ideal time to be slinking around looking for secret contacts. Only trouble lurked in the dark.

He snorted at the thought. Ironic, considering _they_ were the ones doing the lurking this evening. Perhaps he was being paranoid. He didn’t imagine much would be more dangerous than a seasoned Qunari warrior and the Champion of Kirkwall. With his luck, however, a dragon would swoop down upon them and eat their heads just to prove him wrong. He sighed and moved into an easy trot once Hawke rode past him with her nose in the air, no doubt pouting at him for snubbing her horse. Well what was he supposed to do? Kiss it and bestow it with gifts?

Hawke grumbled. He always had to make things awkward, didn’t he? Of course it was her own fault. She should’ve known better than to think he would acknowledge her horse as a self-aware individual, or understand the bond one could have with a creature in their care. Hawke thought he had finally let go of even some severity back at The Hanged Man, but apparently that had been wishful thinking. They had actually been enjoying themselves, or at least she thought so. She sighed and looked ahead through the darkness, moving Mal down a winding path leading to the mines after several minutes of uncomfortable silence.

She hadn’t been to them since she declared them condemned and had that deathtrap shut down. Too many people had lost their lives there. The loss of innocent lives wasn’t worth a bit of coin. There had been so many attacks from all manner of beasts while it was still open, she was honestly surprised it stayed open as long as it had. She shuddered to think what might be prowling there now.

She kept her pace at a soft trot, not feeling the need to rush. If there was trouble waiting for them, she wasn’t in a hurry to get to it. Ash seemed to be able to keep up quite easily regardless, although it felt a bit odd sitting up higher than him. She looked down at his horns and the broadness of his shoulders and watched him keep pace at her side. The view from above was marvelous to say the least.

They had been riding for quite some time now, something that would have caused a human man to strain if he were trying to keep up with a horse. Ash had no problems and was moving along beside her as if they were taking a leisurely stroll. His skin gleamed wonderfully in the bright moonlight, which highlighted every muscle. It was quite the display to watch them all at work, pushing such a powerful creature forward.

Her mouth went dry a little. She wanted to blame the drink she had back at the tavern for her shameless gawking, but she wasn’t even a bit tipsy. No, she was eyeing him like a piece of meat all on her own. Though, it wasn’t as if it were the first time. When they spent time together many years ago, she often admired him and his physique in a purely aesthetic way. She found Qunari to be a beautiful race.

Ogling Ash, however, caused Hawke to lean a bit too far to the left and she suddenly found herself slipping off her saddle like a rank amateur. She cursed herself instantly and tried to grip the reigns tight enough to catch her fall, but to no avail. Mal jerked to the side slightly and she began toppling over with a loud gasp. She closed her eyes tight and braced herself for impact and humiliation…but it never came.

Two very large hands were against her side and shoulder, holding her up sideways with one leg still awkwardly draped over her steed’s back. She dared to open one eye and peek upwards, only to find herself face to face with a very annoyed former Arishok. She turned so red it was visible even in the darkness as he stared down at her with a less than impressed expression.

“Remind me again why you strike fear into the hearts of evil-doers?” he asked sarcastically before lifting her upwards and returning her to an upright position on the horse.

She shot him a small glare and resettled herself in the saddle with a huff. “Yeah well…shut up!” she snapped before leaning forward slightly and giving Mal a loving scratch behind his ears as a distraction from her embarrassment. He neighed and snorted at Hawke’s coddling, making her smile softly and temporarily forget that she had just made a fool of herself. “Who’s a good war horse, huh? You! That’s right.”

Ash rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t know about you sometimes Hawke.”

He started moving forward again, but not before flashing her another small smile, causing her to rethink things all over again. This man was confusing. One minute he was irritating the piss out of you by being a giant jerk, and the next he made you want to hug his entire head by doing something completely out of character. She didn’t even think him _capable_ of smiling, yet he had done it twice tonight. What was the world coming to?

She watched him walk away for a moment, enjoying the view, before resuming her leisurely pace behind him. She had a feeling being in his company was going to drive her crazy. She cleared her throat and took her eyes off his back, glancing up at the leering mines in the distance ahead. “Not too much longer. Keep your guard up.”

“My guard is always up.”

“Oh? Is that so.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“….Maybe.”

Ash snorted and pulled out his sword, shaking his head. This woman would be the death of him. Not only was she incredibly distracting, she was ruining his perfectly good sour mood. When he was concentrating on the wrath deep within that never seemed to go away, it helped center him. The issue was keeping it under control and not letting it get the best of him, something he seemed to be failing at recently. Still, he needed that anger to stay focused and here she was doing things that were humorous no matter who you were. If he got an arrow to the heart, it would be all her fault.

After a few more minutes, the dark and gloomy mines were in full few and he carefully scanned the area to make sure there were no signs of an ambush. All appeared quiet, but he was rusty after being locked away for so long, so he didn’t trust his own eyes. He glanced to Hawke and nodded to a tree before whispering to her. “Maybe you should tie the mount off for now. We can walk the rest of the way in. No sense in the horse getting hurt if there’s trouble.”

He didn’t wait for her okay before taking the reins and leading them to shelter, which only surprised Hawke more. She couldn’t help but regard him with admiration and allow him to lure Mal to the tree he had mentioned. Well, wasn’t he just a big softy? Pretending to be disgusted by her trusty steed, yet taking precautions to make sure he was safe.

It took some courage, but she said it anyway. “See Mal he does care,” she whispered loud enough for them both to hear.

She heard Ash snort at her comment, but felt there was a slight smirk behind it which was enough for her. She smiled in satisfaction then moved to swing her leg over the saddle, but suddenly felt two large hands wrap around her waist and lift her off Mal’s back as if she weighed absolutely nothing. What would normally make her feel as if she were being coddled, only made her cheeks warm and her stomach tighten. The second she was on her feet she whipped her head around quickly to stare up at him. She couldn’t help but wonder why he would do something so gentlemanly. Since when was the former Arishok chivalrous?

“T---Thank you.” Hawke was more than grateful, just confused and slightly stimulated.

He released her waist and gave her a slight shrug, keeping his voice low. “Well _somebody_ has to make sure you don’t fall flat on your face,” he remarked before moving ahead of the mount and tying its reigns off on the tree. He then lifted a finger and looked it in the eyes. “Not a sound from you.” If Hawke wanted him to talk to the blighted animal, then we would. Even if he looked like an idiot doing it.

The horse suddenly lifted its head then let it fall again, making it appear as if it had just nodded in agreement with Ash’s words. He blinked and eyed the steed a bit before looking at Hawke. “Did…it just—no.” He released a huff of air at the creature before moving away from it to a close-by rock formation to get a better view of the mine entrance. Hawke’s responding giggle made him want to spit.  _Stupid horse, trying to make him look bad_.

Once he was settled and examining their meeting spot, he became grateful for his keen night vision. This place was incredibly dark and filled with shadows, almost spooky.

“It doesn’t look like anyone is outside, but it’s impossible to know what’s lurking about in there,” he told her in a hushed tone over his shoulder. “If this is another trap Hawke, I swear to your Maker you are cursed and I’m going to let them have you.”

She couldn’t contain a small laugh, but quickly covered her mouth to stifle it.  “Yes well, should I perish at the hands of scoundrels, I have a family that awaits me,” she told him almost whimsically. How many times had she wondered if _this_ dangerous situation would be the one that finally did her in? She almost wished for it at this point, as morbid as that was.

Ash furrowed his brows and looked at her in the darkness, noting the far off look in her eyes. Most would speak of death with fear, not with a wishful tone. Perhaps she and he had more in common than he thought. Did she desire death as he did? He stared at her a moment longer, a strange feeling of loss filling his chest. In this brief moment he understood what she had felt seeing him nearly take his own life. Imagining her cold lifeless body laying somewhere filled him with sadness and made him more protective of her. He was supposed to say something in this moment, wasn’t he?

“Hawke…. I—…”

She turned her face to him and he hesitated, the reality of where they were settling in. Words suddenly didn’t seem like enough. Not here, or now. This was a conversation for another time. “Ready?” he asked instead before quickly setting out across the spacious moonlit area leading up to the mine entrance.

Hawke stared after him questioningly for a moment before following suit, allowing him to lead; seeing as he saw better in the dark. He seemed much less calculated than usual, though, and overly eager to get through this. Hawke began to worry slightly, hoping to not have a repeat of earlier that day.

She hoped another ambush would not be the case, but she didn’t have the best track record. What if something horrible happened? The idea of this being their last moments together made her think of the argument they had earlier, when he was screaming and choking her. The things she said filled her with guilt, even though he was equally at fault for the name calling. Did she really want those words to be one of the last things he ever heard from her? After what she had witnessed on the beach and the things she had to talk him out of believing, it was wrong of her to use his demons against him. She was honestly surprised he lingered after hearing the horrid things she had to say about him.

It wasn’t like her to counter people with such hostility, and she was disappointed with herself. She wouldn’t have blamed him if he had strangled the life out of her. But he didn’t. He could _hate_ her, but didn’t. Why? She furrowed her brow and quickened her pace quickened until she had up to him. “Hey…Ash?”

He turned his head, but kept his steady pace. “Yes, Hawke?”

She took a deep and silent breath, “I just…wanted to tell you that I’m sorry….for earlier back at The Hanged Man. You know, in case something happens down here.”

He stopped suddenly and turned to her, looking completely confused by her sudden need to self-preserve her conscience. “Not that it _will_ ,” she corrected, “but in case it does; you should know I regret saying those things and I shouldn’t have done it.”

He seemed speechless, which was all well and good. Hawke didn’t need any explanations or an answer. She was satisfied just getting that off her chest. If she had learned anything from all the loss she’d experienced, it was never to let things that needed to be said go unspoken. One never knew when that person would no longer be in your life. She never wanted to be ‘too late’ ever again.

Ash stared at her for a moment with a furrowed brow before turning his attention back to the mines. Hawke had the worst timing of anyone he had ever met. Now was not the time for heartfelt speeches. That was why he had kept his own to himself. She didn’t seem to have the same issue as he, however.

He cleared his throat and nodded at her slightly. “Yes well…..Let’s just…get this over with. And keep your voice down,” he whispered awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. Apologies were not his forte and he didn’t think he could bring himself to say sorry if he tried, even though he did feel remorse over his actions towards her.

Surprisingly, she seemed to accept his answer and nodded before sneaking closer to the looming dark entrance before them. He watched her a moment before following close behind her, glad they were done talking about feelings and back to business. Though, he highly doubted this was the last he would hear of it. Hawke was the sharing type, which became evident to him many years ago during their long talks. She would go on and on while he mostly sat there contemplating and nodding. He glanced to her again thoughtfully. He had actually sort of missed those.

Suddenly, a shuffling sound came from the darkness before them and he snapped a hand out reflexively before pulling Hawke back several steps with him. She made a startled sound and he quickly hushed her before grabbing the handle of his axe, preparing himself just in case whatever was moving in there wasn’t the friendly type.

Hawke pulled her arm from his grip then followed suit. She ran her hand along one of her daggers, her entire body instantly going into defense mode. Who was in there? What if it really were Bethany? Images of her sister coming out of the mine only to be scared half to death by an enormous Qunari coming at her in the dark floated through her mind. It was almost funny, but that wasn’t the first impression she wanted her sister to have of Ash. He wasn’t the monster everyone, including himself, thought him to be.

So instead of letting their mysterious friend come to them for a rather large surprise, she decided to defuse the situation herself and get this over with, just as Ash had wanted. He wouldn’t approve of her tactics, but she wasn’t in the mood to stand here playing guessing games all damn night.

“Okay, whoever is in there…come out now and you won’t be attacked,” she warned loudly, her voice firm and authoritative. “This is Hawke, I was told to meet you here. Well here I am.”

Ash made a face and growled in Hawke’s direction, instantly angered by her brazen behavior. What was the point of them being quiet this entire time if she was just going to present herself on a platter? He sighed loudly and prepared for a potential attack, eyeing the shadows within the mine carefully until the shuffling noise started up again. Soon after, the shape of a figure came into view and approached carefully. He could only make out that one individual so he relaxed slightly. One person wouldn’t be much of a problem.

Hawke narrowed her eyes, trying to make out who the mysterious figure was. The closer they got, the more Hawke’s face dropped. Whomever was approaching was tall and wide in stature, obviously a man. So it wasn’t her sister, then. That realization caused her chest to tighten with sadness, but it wasn’t something she couldn’t handle. She knew the chances had been slim.

Seconds later, the moonlight caught the man as he hesitantly came out into the open, causing her to freeze and stare in surprise. That hair and smartass expression were unmistakable. She had seen them before, many years ago. A slight smile slowly spread across her face and she released her weapon, wondering what had brought on this little visit.

Ash blinked and looked between them when Hawke let her guard down. He could see the recognition in her eyes and found it safe to assume she knew this stranger. He relaxed slightly and eyed him, curious as to what was about to unfold.

Whoever he was, he was obviously a Grey Warden. Ash wasn’t too familiar with them, but even he knew the armor. It was unmistakable. The man grinned and stepped towards Hawke, reaching out a hand for her to shake as he spoke.

“Alistair Theirin. I believe we’ve met?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, we would like to give a huge thank you to the readers for following along with our story and being patient with our slowness haha. Life stuff prevents us from putting chapters up as often as we would like to, but you have all been good sports. This particular chapter meant a lot to us. There were a lot of revelations and self discoveries for both Hawke and Ash. And that is only the tip of the iceberg! Prepare for a tidal wave. Once again, here is a little treat for your viewing pleasure. This was a pivotal moment in our chapter and we wanted to bring it to life. A huge thank you to TheChampion04 for making such beautiful artworks for this Fic.
> 
> To see more of TheChampion04's art, click [HERE](http://clarice04.deviantart.com/)
> 
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	4. The Unforeseen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There is nothing certain except the unforeseen." -Anonymous

 

“You look familiar. Have we met?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? Because I could have sworn I’ve seen yo—“

“No.”

“Oh come on. Ooh ooh, I know….Was it that whore house in—“

“NO.” Ash crinkled his nose and looked at Alistair like he was a vile insect which needed to be squashed. A brothel? Please, if he wanted sex he wouldn’t need to pay for it. He had only known this stranger for a single minute, and already he wished he had killed himself on the beach.

Alistair eyed him a moment then casually leaned over towards Hawke and lowered his voice. “He’s a man of many words Hawke. I admire that.”

Hawke eyed their guest up and down with an unimpressed expression, just as put off by his snarky personality as her Qunari friend. Perhaps on another day she would have found their little interchange amusing, but it had been a long day. Now was not the time for playful banter. She saw how quick Ash was to avoid the warrior’s questions and couldn't help but put her guard up. Hawke was still in the habit of being overprotective of her companions; it was just in her nature.

"A shame you lack the opposite capability," Hawke sassed the Warden, but before he could fire back she was already beating him to the punch. "You know my sister Bethany. Do you have word of her?"

She remembered Alistair the moment she saw his smug face. He was the Warden who had been traveling with her sister when Ash sacked the city, which was most likely why he swore he had seen the former Arishok before. Hawke's instincts were right on point to deflect the Grey Warden's attention to her. If he recognized Ash, it would get extremely awkward extremely fast, and she didn’t have the patience to explain her choice in company at the moment. On top of that, she was determined to see if he had any word of her sister's whereabouts. Whatever else he needed could wait.

She watched his face drop and his charismatic, cheery disposition fade into seriousness. Hawke was not one to waste time when she needed information, and impatience was written all over her face.

Alistair cleared his throat and straightened, his cheeks reddening slightly. “Right then. Straight to business I see.”

Ash made an exasperated sound and crossed his arms, causing both of them to glance his way. “Yes, so just tell her what she needs to know, then explain why you brought us here. Standing around in the dark waiting for you to spit it out isn’t exactly my idea of a perfect evening. You’re wasting Hawke’s time.”

Alistair lifted his hands out in front of him, while observing Ash carefully with a raised eyebrow. “Alright, alright. No need to get touchy.” He let his eyes linger warily on the massive Qunari for a few moments more before turning his attention to Hawke and furrowing his brows. “Bethany is actually why I’m here. There’s…something strange going on within the Order. It’s too complicated to go into detail right now, but long story short Bethany is missing.” His face dropped and he looked at her with a disappointed expression. “I’ve been searching for her for weeks. I would have sent word ahead, but I need to lay low for now. I came here hoping she had gotten into contact with you, but based on your question I can see she hasn’t.”

Hawke widened her eyes as she filled with dread, her throat instantly tightening. She had been hoping for good news, but this was a slap to the face. Her irritation with Alistair was quickly replaced with overwhelming panic. Missing? How could her sister be missing? Couldn’t something _good_ happen for a change? She let out a frustrated sigh and stole a glance at Ash, who had surprisingly pushed the issue for her. It was as if he were actually trying to save her a headache and make things easier on her, yet it wasn’t like him at all to give a shit. Who _was_ this man?

She didn’t have time to ponder his actions, however. Knowing her sister was missing did not sit well in her stomach or her heart. Something had to be done immediately. If Bethany was in trouble, they had to get to her; and fast. Her mind began reeling with all sorts of horrible possibilities, but she pushed such damning thoughts away. She couldn't handle any more loss in her life, especially if it was her own flesh and blood. The only thing to do was stay positive and concentrate on finding her. The Champion ran a shaking hand through her hair and caught Ash watching her react to the news. She was trying to appear calm, but was doing a piss poor job of it. She doubted she was fooling him, but he respectfully pretended not to notice; something she was grateful for.

After taking a few more seconds to compose herself, she finally turned her eyes back to Alistair, released a steady breath, and responded with as much confidence as she could muster, "So where do we start looking?"

The warden blinked and looked between the two of them, stunned by her words. He shook his head slightly, stammering through his words. “We? I—don’t think that is a very good idea. Like I said, I’m trying to lay low. It’s best if I continue this search on my own.” He paused and swallowed hard when she shot him a look that promised certain death. “BUT! She is your sister and you should join the search. Erm—I’m sure if we split up we would have a better chance of finding her.”

Ash crossed his arms and glared a bit, noticing the way Hawke’s demeanor darkened. He had never met this sister of hers and had no concept of what caring for family was like, but he could tell this news had upset her greatly. This sad human before them obviously knew the woman and could be of great help in finding her.

He pondered his readiness to join in on this search for a moment. He didn’t normally concern himself with finding people unless he was hunting them down, so it felt unusual for him to feel the urge to do so now. Then again, what was normal anymore? Besides that, he needed to do something productive before he lost his mind. He turned his attention back to the stranger and furrowed his brows. He was going to help them if Ash had to tie him up and carry him on his back the entire time.

“Why do you have to lay low? And what about this Order of yours?” he asked suddenly, cutting Hawke off as she was about to speak. Or yell, he wasn’t sure which.

Alistair fidgeted and began to rethink this entire idea of getting the Champion involved. “It’s …complicated.”

Ash only glared further. “Un-complicate it.”

“It’s not that simple!”

“I’m sure our feeble minds can handle it. Start talking before I _make_ you.”

“Are you always so violent?!”

“Yes.”

Alistair grumbled and looked at Hawke helplessly before throwing his hands up and pacing slightly. “I liked you better when you weren’t saying much. Fine, fine. I’m being hunted by the Wardens okay? But it’s not what you think! They’ve gone mad! They’re using the mages for…horrible things, and sacrificing their own! Luckily Bethany had the sense to get out before they got to her. I barely did myself. They’ve been tracking me all over Ferelden and maybe they’re even after her as well. That is why I must find her.”

He stopped moving and looked to Hawke, his expression stern and very serious. “I don’t think they followed me to Kirkwall, but there’s always a chance. You’re good, but you can’t take on the Wardens. Associating with me right now is dangerous. That is why I should carry on alone. One man is harder to find, and your friend here isn’t exactly inconspicuous.”

"If you have a problem with Ash you have a problem with me," Hawke was quick to protest.

"I really don't think—," Alistair was about to begin the debate until Hawke started moving in on him.

She was losing her patience fast. Her baby sister was missing, Alistair had been traveling with her for years, and he was the best chance she had of finding her. There was no way she was letting him walk out of here. She grabbed him by the neck of his armor and yanked him right into her face so he would understand just how serious she was.

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you that we are going to do this together. I don’t care about the danger. I'd risk anything to find Bethany, and not you or any other Grey Warden is going to stop me. They’d have to kill me first and I can promise you, many of them would go down with me," she hissed.

Alistair’s stared at her with a stunned expression, surprised by her aggression. He’d heard stories from Bethany about how tough Hawke was, but threatening to beat down the Wardens, or die trying, was truly something else.  Her demeanor and determination almost reminded him of Lady Cousland, and with that in mind he couldn't help but smirk. He knew that such words from an indomitable woman meant he didn’t stand much of a chance in this battle. 

His grin only made Hawke more cross. "Do I look like I'm joking?" she asked, her voice laced with irritation.

Alistair shook his head and brought his hands up to her wrists before giving them a tug, releasing himself from her grasp. "Quite the opposite actually. Astonishingly enough, I know when to quit while I'm ahead; and I know to refuse a Hawke only means certain death. I just need you to understand that if you are seen with me if I get caught, it could get ugly,” he told her, eyeing her up and down. “I must say, I don’t come across very many people _looking_ for trouble.”

Ash made a sound in his throat and finally put his sword away, sheathing it at his hip. “Hawke doesn’t look for trouble. Trouble finds her. There’s a welcome mat for it at her door at this point.”

Alistair responded with a short laugh and shook his head, running an awkward hand across the back of his neck. “Based on all the stories I’ve heard? I believe you.”

Hawke rolled her eyes and released a frustrated sigh before snapping at both of the pert bastards. “Yes well, if you’re both done mocking my misfortune I would like to go home and make arrangements for my extended absence. Warden Alistair, if you leave without me I will hunt you down and make you wish those pursuing you had captured you before I did. We ride in three days’ time. That should be more than enough time for you to properly rest and for us to prepare. I will have a satchel of food and supplies to hold you over delivered discreetly to you in a few hours.”

With that she turned on her heel and walked away with purpose back towards her mount, leaving both men standing there with dumb expressions. Ash could only stand there and blink for a few moments as he watched her go. She didn’t give much room for argument, did she?

He glanced down at the peon beside him and made a disgusted face. They were to be traveling with _him_? That was the last thing he wanted, but it didn’t seem as if they had any other choice if they stood a real chance of finding Hawke’s sister. He grumbled and wondered if she would agree to let him tie the Warden up, gag him, and throw him across the back of a horse for the length of the journey.

“Does she even know where we are going? What’s the plan? Just wander aimlessly until we trip over Bethany in an astounding display of luck?” Alistair asked sarcastically, his arms crossed and a pout on his face. He didn’t appear to be any more thrilled with this alliance than Ash was.

Ash rolled his eyes and shook his head, moving his stare once more to her as she mounted the horse in the distance. “It’s Hawke. She _will_ have a plan. Now stop talking before I change my mind about stabbing you,” he retorted before going after her, leaving their unwanted new companion standing alone in the dark. He wasn’t sure about this at all, but if he knew anything about Hawke it was that you didn’t tell the woman no. He would just shut up and go along with whatever she had in mind. It was something to keep him preoccupied, so for now he would just trust she knew what she was doing.

 

* * *

 

Writing important messages to her friends was difficult enough for Hawke. Trying to write them with a half-naked Qunari practicing with duel axes only a few feet away was an entirely new challenge. He had only been staying with her for a couple of nights and already she was finding it hard to focus. She had asked him out of the blue on their way back from their meeting with Warden Alistair.

Well, perhaps ‘asked’ wasn’t entirely true. She more so _told_ him he would stay with her; that it would be easier for them to prepare for travel if they stuck together. He did not object and agreed to it almost instantaneously, surprising her. She expected him to put up a fight or at least try to argue. Perhaps after the day they had he was simply too exhausted. She couldn’t blame him one bit. 

At first she was excited about him staying there, even if things had been a bit strained between them before. She never had a Qunari as a guest before, nor had anyone roomed with her in a very long time. Her home had been much too quiet since her mom passed and her dwarven friends decided to move on. She missed Sandal and Bodahn a great deal, but she knew one day they would eventually go.

Even Hawke's elven maid was given leave when she found her long lost Dalish relatives of the south. The Champion didn't have the heart to keep the girl from her family and had sent her off with no small sum of coin and supplies for the journey. Since then, her home had been empty with the exception of her beloved Mabari hound Brisket, who did nothing but sleep in front of the fire and bark at the door whenever someone knocked. Some war dog he turned out to be.

Hawke soon found that having the former Arishok there was almost _too_ much excitement for her to handle. She offered him everything he needed; some new gear, food, and even his own room downstairs complete with a fireplace and his own bathing area. So why couldn’t he _stay_ down there; instead of being around her constantly and driving her mad with his complete lack of shame? Thank Andraste he had left the room a short time ago or she would have never been able to get anything done.

She was certain he had chosen to train so near to her on purpose. Was he toying with her? She still couldn’t get the image of sweating muscles out of her mind, or stop hearing the throaty sounds he had made. She didn’t even want to get started on the way his thin pants had hung so dangerously low on his hips. It was enough to make even a whore blush.

She assumed he would be uncomfortable no matter where he was and would make himself nonexistent until it was time to leave. Maker, was she wrong. She couldn’t even turn a corner without practically smashing into him. The way he sauntered around her estate as if he were a worker at the Blooming Rose made her wonder if he even knew what the word ‘uncomfortable’ meant. Not that she was complaining if she really thought about it. She didn’t want to admit it, but she enjoyed the view. She wasn’t dead after all. He certainly made things interesting, that was for sure.

She tore her mind away from her highly distracting friend and took a glance down at what she had written so far. All it read was “To my most beloved friend Varric,” in almost completely illegible penmanship.

_Real way with words you have there Hawke._

She sighed in frustration and decided from that second on to stay focused until it was done. She still had much to do before they departed tomorrow, and daylight was wasting. She needed to inform Varric that she had foreboding news of the Grey Wardens. The very idea that they, some of the most infamous heroes in history, could be corrupted made her head spin. She needed to get more details from Alistair while they traveled so she could be prepared for the inevitable trouble this news boded.

She also needed to ask her favorite dwarf if he had seen Bethany. The Wardens were an urgent concern, but she was Hawke’s top priority. She didn’t care if that was selfish. She had sacrificed much for the good of others; she wouldn’t risk her sister to do so again. If anybody could help her, it was Varric. He had eyes everywhere and that was most likely more true now that he was allied with the Inquisition. Seeker Cassandra and Sister Nightingale had tried hard to get Hawke to join as well, but she refused.

They pushed the issue and threatened to have her questioned for her role in the Chantry being destroyed if she did not cooperate, but Varric took the fall for her; insisting she had no part in it. She could have slapped the little jerk for risking his own neck like that, but in the end it worked out for him. The last time he sent word, he informed her he was no longer a prisoner and was helping the new Inquisitor save Thedas. That Dwarf always did like to get himself involved in the heaviest shit possible. She only refused to do so herself because her main priority at the time had been rebuilding Kirkwall and getting it back on its feet. Perhaps it was time to reconsider her stance. But first, her sister had to be found.

Several minutes passed as Hawke concluded her letter. Before she signed her name, she gave him instructions to send his reply to Denerim in Ferelden. She had a few friends who had relocated there once Lothering was destroyed during the Blight. Perhaps Bethany had gone to see them while she was on the run. It was as good a place to start as any. She sighed softly and wondered how much Ferelden had changed since she had left it so long ago. It would feel good to return home again, even if it wasn’t under the best of circumstances.

Once she was done, she folded her letter and slipped it inside of an envelope before finishing it off with a wax seal. Now all she had to do was take it to the Keep, send it off with one of her messengers, then go and speak with Aveline. Her Guard Captain would be the one taking over in her absence, but Hawke had a feeling the cranky redhead wouldn’t like it one bit. This was one conversation she was not looking forward to. She could only imagine what her reaction would be once she saw Ash at Hawke’s side. He was able to walk about with her unrecognized while they shopped for supplies. Nobody even gave him a second glance other than those who were interested in Qunari in general. He did look very different now that he had lost weight and was no longer adorned with fancy armor or Vitaar. Aveline, however, would not be fooled.

She grumbled over the coming headache and stood, going off to find her drama causing Qunari to see if he was ready to go. He had surprised her by asking to come along to the Keep. Perhaps the big fella was really a softy and had missed Aveline. They never really got along though, so maybe he just wanted to rustle her feathers and give her a heart attack. That was more likely. Hawke would find that hilarious if she wasn’t the one who would have to deal with Aveline’s wrath.

She moved down the stairs and to his quarters with a sour expression, trying to decide how best to explain why she had the former Arishok with her. She didn’t even think to knock as she pushed through his door and barged right in.

"Ash? I'm going to the Keep now. Did you still want to c—......MAKER!"

There he was, standing before her in all his girth and glory; preparing to step into the bath he had warmed for himself. He was completely naked as he paused and turned to fully face her, tilting his head at the horrified expression on her face. He didn’t even move to hide himself in shame, only stood there with a raised eyebrow like he had no clue as to why she was now a hundred different shades of red. She was stunned, frozen, and with her magnificent gift of making everything just that much more awkward, she was gawking like a virgin who had never seen a man before. If her eyes weren't so pinned to his member, she would've been able to finish her damn sentence then get out of there. Instead she just stood in the doorway in a sudden cold sweat.

Ash remained silent and unmoving until it became painfully obvious Hawke wasn’t going to say anything. He slowly looked down to where her eyes were fixated then back up at her, not sure whether to be amused or irritated. Did she expect it to do something exciting if she stared long enough? He cleared his throat slightly then released a breath, not sure what exactly he was supposed to do in such a situation. Her intense reaction was unusual to him. He hadn’t been around humans for most of his life, so it was very easy for him to overlook the fact that they seemed to be embarrassed by nudity. It wasn’t a big issue where he came from. Everyone had the same parts, varying in size and shape of course; but still essentially the same.

Several more seconds passed, stretching the silence between them to awkward proportions. Why was she just _standing_ there? Couldn’t she just back out the door if she was that offended by the sight of him? He moved his eyes over her again, reading her body language and realizing she didn’t look upset at all.

So maybe she was less offended and more fascinated. Perhaps she had never seen his kind in the nude before. Were they so different from human men?  She certainly seemed to be engrossed with his manhood, making him wonder if there was something he had that her kind did not. They couldn’t exactly stand here all day while she ogled him, however, so he snorted and slowly moved up to her, taking the door gently from her hand and staring down at her.

“Well if you’re going to stay and watch me bathe, come on in and have a seat. You can even wash my back for me,” he offered in an even tone, making it difficult to tell if he was serious or not. “Otherwise, step back a bit so I can close the door. It being open is causing a draft in here. And yes, I want to come with you.”

Hawke could barely breathe. She was so incredibly captivated by him, she could hardly remember what she had been doing previously. The only thing she could do was wonder how on earth would she be able to take it if by some crazy happenstance the two of them decided to go to bed together. Ash was huge. She supposed it was a normal size for all Qunari men, but she wasn’t looking at all Qunari men. She was looking at _him_ and it was intimidating to say the least.

The second he was close enough to touch, she blinked wildly and backed up a few paces, finally snapping out of the daze she had been in. She did her best to try and pretend as if his nudity wasn't phasing her anymore, but was still blushing and flustered; even more so now that he had offered to let her remain and bathe him of all things.

She finally moved her gaze up to his face, but found it extremely difficult to make eye contact with him for the first time since she'd known him. The very idea of cleaning his body or pleasuring him in any way was enough to make her entire body ignite into flames. Why did she have to act like this? Why where these thoughts even popping into her mind? She needed to get out of here and fast before she did something stupid like actually stay. If his offer was even real. Was he merely teasing her? She couldn’t tell, and that was more frustrating than words could say.

"I-I just need to grab something—I mean—"

_Poor choice of words Hawke._

"I—If you'd like to co—I mean if you'd like to join me, I'll just wait in my study and let you finish." She had a difficult time not stuttering like a fool. Ash must've thought she was daft in the head. She was too embarrassed to wait for him to reply so she turned on her heel and practically ran down the hall away from him. It was in that moment she realized this journey was going to be a long one.

He watched her scamper off like a frightened fennec with a stupefied look on his face. He had expected her to regain her wits and shoot something sarcastic at him, or accept his offer just to annoy him. The last thing he thought to see was the mighty Champion of Kirkwall running scared from a naked male. He smirked slightly and slowly shut the door, amused to no end. At least he knew how to defeat her in battle now; just take off his clothes and wave his privates around. He snorted at the ridiculous thought then quickly padded back over to his now lukewarm bath before sinking inside.

He didn’t mind that the water was no longer hot or that he barely fit inside the tub. Anything was preferable to being doused with a bucket of freezing dirty water in a cold cell. In fact, all of this was so foreign to him now, it didn’t feel real. He had gotten so used to deplorable, barren conditions that a warm room filled with everything he needed actually made him feel uneasy.

Even receiving new armor and weapons felt almost wrong. He nearly denied Hawke when she offered to purchase things for him, but then realized he would need them for their coming travels. Having weapons and armor that were practically falling apart would be worthless if they had to fight. He hated accepting handouts from her, but had no coin of his own or anything of value to trade. He spent what little he had managed to scrape up on passage to the Free Marches. He hadn’t planned on living after that so he didn’t even bother saving anything. All he could do now was promise to pay her back one day. He didn’t know how, but he would come up with something.

He leaned his head back slowly over the edge of the tub and relaxed, staring serenely up at the ceiling. His muscles ached from exerting himself training with his new axes and it felt good. He hadn’t been able to really work his body out in so long, he was surprised he had any muscle left at all. He was definitely out of shape and half wasted away from his stay in confinement. That would change now that he was unrestricted and able to do as he pleased. It was an unusual feeling to have free reign over his actions, but so far he was dealing with it well enough.

He turned his face to look at the closed door, wondering what Hawke was doing now. If not for her, he might not have as good a handle on things as he did. It was hard for him to admit he needed help, but when it came to living in this brand new world outside the Qun he was definitely lost. In just a few days she had already shown him that it wasn’t as bad as he originally thought. He still longed desperately for the structure and certainly the Qun had brought him, but he was starting to realize he could have his _own_ code to live by. If he was in control of himself and his actions, maybe he could eventually regain some sense of what he had lost.

With that thought, he sat up and tore himself away from the water after quickly washing himself with the soap he had been given. He didn’t want to keep her waiting too long; they did have things to do after all. He could have just chosen to stay here while she went to meet with that annoying excuse for a Guard Captain, Aveline, but he really wanted to see the look on the woman’s face when she came face to face with him. A part of him almost wanted her to try something so he could wring her neck. The last time he had seen her, she was insisting Hawke have him executed even after he had spared her life. To say he disliked Aveline was an understatement. He would remain civil for Hawke, however.

He carefully dressed himself in his newly purchased pants, waist wrap, arm braces, weapons belt, boots, and a dual chest and shoulder harness. It was an interesting feeling to be in more than a pair of ragged bottoms once again. He had missed the feeling of the straps against his chest and the weight on his shoulders. He gazed at himself in a nearby mirror for a moment, barely even recognizing himself. Where was the Qunari he used to be? It was no wonder that nobody here had identified him as of yet. That person was gone.

He sighed and shook his head, slightly disturbed over his own thoughts, before making his way out of the room and towards Hawke’s office. He chose to instead concentrate on how great he felt after a good work out and bath. He made note to enjoy it while it lasted. He doubted he would remain clean after being on a ship for days then traveling for who knew how long.

Once he reached the closed door he had been aiming for, he paused and stared at it a moment. Hawke was right in there and he had no idea how she would react to him now. What happened earlier seemed to unsettle her and he didn’t want to have an awkward conversation when they were supposed to be taking care of business. He sighed and pushed inside, showing about as much manners as Hawke had when she barged in on him just minutes ago. He supposed if he was going to be spending so much time with her he would have to get used to human emotions, bothersome as they were.

“Hawke? I’m ready.”

She nearly jumped out of her skin the second she heard his voice, but managed to keep her expression placid as she turned to face him. She eyed him and exhaled a long breath, never more happy to see him attired. After she ran away from him like a coward earlier, she had nearly paced a hole into her office carpet. She was calmer now, but still feeling incredibly overwhelmed by how deeply she had reacted to him. Andraste’s ass, it was just a naked man. It wasn’t as if she had never seen one before.

Still, she had always maintained boundaries with him. Even years ago they were always very proper with one another; both careful not to get too close or involved. Even at their closest, there was a certain air of professionalism about them. That was all gone now that she had gazed upon his unclothed body. And what a body it was. She swallowed hard and pushed _that_ thought from her mind immediately. She needed a distraction, and fast.

She forced herself to give him an endearing smile to make it appear as if she was completely fine before grabbing her letter for Varric and moving towards him. Out of habit she ran a hand through her dark hair carelessly, making a mess of it. "Great, let’s get this over with," she replied in an exacting tone.

She was so inwardly embarrassed that she wanted to scream, which was why she was eager to hurry and speak with Aveline. She was always the perfect friend to let off some steam with if Hawke needed it. She kept her eyes off of Ash as he stood at the threshold and felt him staring at her as she passed. She didn’t mean to snub him, but she couldn’t come to grips with what had happened just yet. She needed a few more minutes to recover from it before everything went back to normal; or as close to normal as possible. He didn’t seem phased by it, so she would do her best to respond in kind. She walked away from him with her breath held for what felt like an eternity while trying her best not to seem flustered by that rather sizable incident. She was certain she was failing.

"Pathetic." Hawke scolded herself in a whisper as she sauntered towards the exit, feeling Ash's heavy footsteps behind her. Just knowing he was right there, watching her move, was enough to halt whatever progress she had made to forget what happened. What was her problem? He wasn’t watching her, and if he were it wasn’t in the way she was imagining. So now she was making up girlish scenarios in her mind? How was she going to make it through the rest of the day?

_Maker have mercy on me._

Ash followed her out the door and into the crowded walkways of Hightown with a contemplative expression, trying to process her actions. He expected awkwardness, but not for her to brush him off completely. Was she really so perturbed about their brief encounter?

He debated with himself while they made their way towards the Keep, a place he had not been since his showdown with the city. Should he say something to her or just remain quiet? Did human’s come with instructions? Because if so, he was in dire need of them right now. Perhaps all she needed was for him to reassure her that this wasn’t a huge issue? Or maybe it was and he was just blind to it. Did seeing a person naked mean something to her kind? He wasn’t aware of their customs when it came to such things. It was times like this where the closed off world of the Qun left him at a major disadvantage.

He watched her walk just ahead of him with precision and swiftness. If she moved any faster, she would be running away from him again. He tilted his head, becoming more confused by the second. Her actions proved she wanted to get away from him, yet she had still waited for him so he could accompany her. If she didn’t want him with her, couldn’t she have just left while he was preoccupied in the bath? He noted the rigidness of her shoulders and unease in her step, but then became distracted by what she was wearing.

Up until a few nights ago he had only seen her in armor. Even when she used to come visit him at the docks, she was always heavily fortified. Perhaps a part of her back then was always concerned about him attacking, which in the end was a wise decision. He _had_ attacked her, something he felt shame for after accepting her into his life.

Currently she wore nothing but a tunic, leggings, boots, and a belt for her daggers. It was surreal for him to see her this way. To his people female warriors were considered male, and up until now he saw Hawke in similar fashion. But, it was hard to think of her as such when she now looked even more small and delicate than she did in full armor. The clothing she had on now was fitted to her body, which was very different from the shape of Qunari women. They were bulky and broad shouldered with nothing fragile about them. Hawke was curvy and looked as if she were very soft. If his own undressed form had been so different to her, what would her own look like in comparison to what he knew women to look like?

He cleared his throat and forced his eyes upwards. That was not an appropriate thing to be pondering. He was supposed to be coming up with a way to set her mind at rest, not wonder how soft she was. He furrowed his brow and increased his speed so he could move up beside her. She tensed visibly which almost made him reconsider saying something, but his mouth started moving before he could give it much thought.

“Hawke. Seeing me without clothing was an accident, yes? You don’t have to behave as if we did something wrong. We didn’t.”

Her shoulders dropped and she let out a calming breath from the sound of his voice. Of course she knew what happened wasn't wrong, that's not even what she was feeling uncomfortable about. There was nothing wrong with seeing him naked; accident or not. In fact she highly enjoyed the sight, even if he was shockingly massive. She had no control over the little laugh that escaped her, then looked up at Ash with a humbled grin.

He was looking at her with legitimate concern, something she hadn't quite gotten used to. The two of them had been through much to get to this point. They were becoming quick friends just like old times, yet something now was different. _He_ was different. There was something softer about him now; the result of having his world turned upside down perhaps. Seeing him become more at ease with her was almost frightening and she was certain she knew why.

Hawke realized just moments ago as they had walked in silence that she was feeling something for him, but she wasn’t sure what. Perhaps she had just missed him, perhaps there was something else there. Maybe she was just lonely and letting her mind play tricks on her. It would make sense that she would feel the need to cling to someone from her past. Whatever the reason, the attachment she was feeling to Ash was much too soon for her to be comfortable with it. The guilt it was causing her was immense and suffocating.

She didn’t want to admit it, but that guilt was a result of her inability to let go of Anders. He was gone from her life, and it was her doing. She killed him; their relationship literally dying by her hand, but it still felt wrong to feel for anyone else. Hawke knew Ash wasn't aware of their relationship, but that wasn't his fault. It was no one else's fault but her own for keeping it from him, and it was silly to presume he could read her mind and figure that out.

"You are absolutely right; it wasn't wrong," Hawke began to apologize, "I'm sorry, I just..."

She struggled for a moment, not sure if it was the best option to be honest about what was going on in her mind. Would he be put off by what she had to say? He wasn’t the type of man who dealt with emotions well, but he did deserve to know what was going on with her since it was now affecting him. She brought him back into her life after all, so why not let him know a little more _about_ that life? She chose to keep him at her side despite everything that had happened between them. That had to mean something. Likewise, he chose to trust her and carry on with his life even when everything within him had told him to end it. He didn’t have to, but he made that decision for her.  She needed to make the effort to trust him in return. Hawke decided right at that moment to open up even if it was going to hit him like an avalanche.

"I never told you that Anders and I were… together, for quite some time. We were in love, or at least I'd like to believe we were at one point. In the end, and even now, I still wonder if he truly was." She paused to check his reaction, but quickly resumed moving forward when his expression didn’t change. He continued to watch her attentively, however, which meant he was listening. "He betrayed me, and… I killed him. Even so, it still feels like he's here; like he isn't gone."

She felt tears forming in her eyes over her confession and fear began to fill her chest, but she forced herself to be strong. "I really should have knocked, but what’s done is done. I saw you today and even though it might not mean much to you, it was a huge deal for me. It was a shock to the senses and reminded me of how vulnerable and broken I am."

Hawke knew she must've sounded like a complete idiot to him but, she could only say what she was feeling. "I felt guilty for seeing another man that isn't Anders. Which is ridiculous because he's gone and never coming back." Hawke began to laugh and cry at the same time. She couldn't believe she was telling Ash all of this.

Now that she had gotten that off of her chest, she couldn't even look at him. She wiped the tears that escaped down her cheek and shook her head, not knowing what had just come over her. She let in a few breaths and just smiled slightly, trying to feel anything other than sadness. She doubted he had any sort of response for her so she began speaking again so he wouldn’t feel obligated to give one. "C'mon let's hurry before I end up late. Aveline doesn't like to be kept waiting."

Ash stared at her with a furrowed brow as she walked away from him again. Deep down he had always known about her and the mage, but she had never confirmed it until now. They had been together romantically, something he could not relate to at all seeing as there was no such thing in his old world. You did your duty, end of story. If you happened to get the urge for more carnal things, you simply went to a Tamassran priest and they relieved you. There was no paring off with another, no feelings, no spending your lives together.

Her tears made him feel a tightness in his chest and he wasn’t sure he liked it much. She was obviously still distraught even though the explosion of the chantry occurred quite some time ago. He didn’t understand love, not in the sense she was speaking of, but he did understand loss. He even understood loss as a result of your own decisions. If you didn’t vent the frustrations that came with it, they would eat at you until you were consumed. After the fit he had several days ago, he knew that all too well.

Hawke needed to learn this so she could let go of what she had been carrying for far too long. He didn’t know many things about this new world he was thrust into, but he did know how to relieve stress. That was universal; didn’t matter if you were Qunari, human, elf, or anything else. He squared his shoulders and glanced around, noting that there were little to no people in this area so close to the Keep, before moving after her and grabbing her firmly by the arm.

He could see the look of surprise on her face as he dragged her deep into a darkened side alley. He didn’t really explain what he was doing so he could only imagine what wild scenarios were playing out inside of her head. Once they were far enough into the narrow passage where they would not be heard, he turned to her and slowly unhooked his chest harness before letting it clatter to the ground. Her eyes were wide and filled with alarm as she opened her mouth to speak. He cut her off by putting his finger in front of her and “Shhh-ing” her.

“Hit me,” he commanded before she could become offended by his gesture. He looked at her with a stern face, letting her know that he was complexly serious with his demand.

Hawke stared at him completely frozen, her expression not hiding the fact that she thought he was utterly insane. When he started lugging her back here then began removing articles of clothing, there was a split second where she thought maybe he was about to suggest something else. It made her feel as if she would faint. Now he was telling her to actually strike him and it sent her mind reeling with confusion. Why would she do such a thing?

She didn’t want to stand here and play stupid Qunari games. All she wanted to do was push Anders from her mind and try to salvage what was left of their day. It pained her to remember that horrifying moment from her past. Thinking about it only made it more difficult to keep it together and she didn’t want to deal with that right here in front of a person who thought emotions were for the weak. Maker only knew what he was already thinking after being subjected to such a raw subject in the first place. Hawke felt much too vulnerable in front of him and she didn’t like it. Right now her only instinct was to run away.

"Are you serious? I'm not going to hit you." She was quick to turn and attempt her escape, trying desperately to remove herself from him and his absurd notions.

He was prepared for her resistance, however, and took her arm in his grip once more before getting in between her and the dead end just a few feet away. He grasped her shoulders, walking her backwards until she was pressed to the stone wall with nowhere else to go. He could tell being forceful with her had gotten her a bit riled up, which was exactly what he wanted. Hawke was the kind of woman who didn’t respond to subtle actions. You needed to be drastic to make your point.

He took a step back to give her swinging room then held his arms out at his sides, his piercing gaze locked on her. “You _are_ going to hit me. And you aren’t going to stop until that wretched aching feeling in here,” he paused to reach out and press his pointer finger right against her breastbone, not caring if it was a little too close to being inappropriate, “doesn’t make you feel like you are suffocating. You’re going to hit me until you absolutely can’t anymore. Look at me; do you really think you could hurt me?”

He dropped his hand away from her chest and nodded to her, signaling to her that it was okay. She needed this, but she just didn’t know it yet. “Stop being a coward and let me have it.”

Ash touching her and grabbing her forcefully was about all she could handle. Not only was it exciting, it was incredibly annoying at the same time. She never liked being prodded to face her demons. She always kept them locked away because that was how she dealt with tragedy and loss. She had experienced too much of it; not just from losing Anders, but a majority of her family as well. So much was taken from her and it killed her inside.

She understood now what Ash was doing. He was offering her a chance to let some of that suffering go via way of violence. Was that how the Qunari kept themselves sane? She didn’t like the idea of causing somebody pain to help herself, but he did have a point. How much damage could she really inflict upon him? The man was an infallible wall.

Hawke stared at his chest and torso hesitantly, trying to somehow mentally morph him into everything that had caused her so much grief. It proved difficult, considering he was now the only positive person in her life and she didn’t _want_ to see him in that light. He didn't seem to mind the idea of her unleashing her anger against him, though. In fact, he was encouraging it rather ardently. She supposed there wasn’t any harm in trying. Since he was more than willing, she took advantage of this moment and threw her first punch, which landed rather pitifully against his chest.

He snorted and rolled his eyes before shaking his head. “No. I didn’t say give me a light tap. That was pathetic. HIT ME,” he insisted before giving her a flimsy shove. It was a low move, but he only did so to fuel the fire she held within. Even though he barely touched her, the force of it still sent her stumbling back a few steps. The look of shock on her face followed by unmistakable determination filling her eyes signaled to him that he had gotten to her.

His taunt and the easy way in which he knocked her back took a stab at her ego, even though she knew it was just to rattle her. She hadn’t expected him to lay a hand on her, but once he did she had no problems with retaliating. Throwing a hit against him felt surprisingly refreshing, so she let a second one connect directly with his gut. The strike landed just a bit harder than she had expected and she pulled her fist back, hissing through her teeth. Ash was as hard as stone and hitting him caused a surprisingly satisfying sting to her knuckles. She ignored the pain and hit him again, getting into the process now.

Then again.

And again.

Again.

Hawke began to wail on him, becoming senseless and lost in the feelings she was experiencing. Her mind was overcome with emotion and she soon found herself unleashing a full on assault against his abdomen. She wasn’t even able to see Ash anymore, just all the things that had been tormenting her for years. The world blurred around her until she felt as if she would scream. Each time she connected with his body, the pain inside her only seemed to intensify until it was ripping to the surface uncontrollably. She couldn’t take it, but she also couldn’t stop. It was as if there was something taking hold of her, forcing her to continue.

She felt herself falling apart at the seams. Just as it became almost unbearable, she lost steam and started to return from wherever she had just gone. The adrenaline melting away was incredibly draining and she was left with nothing but a hollow feeling in her chest; and incredibly sore wrists. The red clouding her vision faded before she realized that her entire body was shaking and tears were pouring form her eyes; rolling down her cheeks in harsh streaks. She looked up to see that Ash was just standing there, silently taking it all for her.

Her swift swings began to slacken and subside. Heavy breaths were all that could be heard as her hands slowly settled against his exposed muscles; her shoulders relaxing as she let out a long and shaken sigh. Somehow she now felt light and clean. She focused her blurred vision on his torso, which was now red in several places. There were a few areas that looked as if they would bruise which was somewhat unsettling to her. She hadn’t even realized she’d hit him that hard.

The fact that he allowed her this release, that he took the pain from her and unto himself, was more than she had bargained for. Now that she realized how incredibly purging it was, his offer meant more to her than anything had in a long time. He cared enough to try and make her feel better. She was tremendously grateful, and knew that she no longer had to worry about him not giving a shit about her.

The years had not taken away the bond they once shared.

With an overload of emotions consuming her, she allowed herself a few moments to take in the calming feeling of his presence. Having somebody there for her when she required it was more help than she thought she needed. She never expected Ash to be her crutch in all of this, but was relieved to have him with her in this moment.

She didn't know how else to express that to him except by letting go of her inhibitions and leaning her full weight against him. She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes softly, his steady heartbeat so soothing it threatened to put her to sleep. She didn't even notice if he was uncomfortable with it; all she wanted was to find solace in being close to another person who understood her. He knew more about her, and what she needed, than she had given him credit for; and that replaced the emptiness in her chest with warmth.

Ash tensed considerably when she pressed herself to him, the action throwing him completely off guard. He didn’t know how she could go from violent to affectionate in just a few seconds, but he stayed still, allowing her to deal with what had happened in her own way. When her arms suddenly slipped around his waist he looked down at her with a perplexed expression, noting how serene and at peace she looked despite the tears drying on her face.

His plan had worked beautifully. When she was lashing out at him he could feel her anguish flowing out in waves. It was an intense few moments that caused his throat to tighten until it was difficult to breathe. Sensing such deep emotion from another person was unnerving for him, but he had allowed himself to remain in the crossfire for her. Now, instead of moving on and putting this behind them, she was clinging to him as if she were unable to stand on her own.

He glanced around to make sure they didn’t have any onlookers, feeling rather embarrassed; as if this show of intimacy was worse than being beaten in an alleyway by a woman half his size. For him, it was. Violent he was fine with. It was something he knew well and could relate to. This was out of his comfort zone and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He was smart enough, though, to know that not doing anything had the potential to upset her; which he didn’t want after she had just allowed herself to let such things go.

Despite his reservations, he swallowed his pride and slowly let his arms enclose around her in kind, his embrace nearly swallowing her whole. She was small and warm against him, making him extra cautious not to hold her too tightly. Having her against him now made him realize just how easily he could crush her if not careful. It was a sobering experience to say the least. He thought back on several nights ago when he took his own anger out on her and had batted her through the air with a single blow. He could have done so much damage, and the thought scared him. Then, the very idea that she had the ability to scare him in any capacity made him furrow his brow in displeasure. He hated that Hawke was the one person in this world who could make him show weakness.

He roamed his eyes over her face once more, trying to process what their embrace was making him feel. It wasn’t necessarily bad. In fact, it was almost calming in some odd way. He supposed for now, in this shared moment between them, weak was okay. She had just revealed her own vulnerabilities to him, the least he could do was show her that he wasn’t completely cold and cynical. She knew full well he didn’t like tenderness, but _he_ knew she would not judge him for it. She wasn’t the Qun. She was Hawke. And Hawke never looked at him like he was weak, even when she had seen him at his lowest. It was okay for him to hold her in some closed off area in the middle of Hightown for a few moments. This would stay between them.

Feeling his arms wrap around her would have alarmed Hawke had it been any other moment, but his hold was far from scary; it was dreamlike. There was something incredibly satisfying about such a show of intimacy from him. Maybe because it was completely out of character, and the last thing she thought he would ever do.

The instant his arms encompassed her, she pulled in closer out of instinct and practically sunk into him. She had never felt safer. Ash was an inborn protector, even if he didn’t see it. If she was being truly honest with herself, Anders had never made her feel as secure as this; he was always so unpredictable. Ash, on the other hand, made her feel like everything would be okay without even trying.

The moment was fleeting; sooner or later he was going to withdraw, but she still wished he would let her linger a bit longer. As he cradled her, he seemed less severe and much more endearing. The closeness they shared was instantly addicting and she wanted it to be more than a onetime thing; even though there was only so much Ash was open to. The fact that she was even proposing this to herself made her feel confused and inwardly jumbled.

She pulled her face away from his skin so she could lean back a ways and look up at him, quickly wiping any remaining tears. He simply stared back at her with a warm and tranquil expression. Suddenly, she was at a loss for words. She didn't even know what to say; maybe there was no need for it.

She felt her cheeks warm slightly and cleared her throat. Why wasn’t he letting go? At most she figured he would hug her briefly, give her an awkward pat on the back, and then pretend it never happened. This far surpassed her expectations and she didn’t know how to process it. Perhaps it was best if she just ended it herself before she started letting her mind wander to impossible things. She didn't want to overextend his courtesy.

As much as she was hated to, she slowly moved backwards and broke the contact between their bodies; instantly feeling a sense of loss. To her disbelief, however, his hands remained on her waist. She stared at him with blinking eyes and hesitantly let her own fingers rest lightly against his upper arms, wondering what was going through his mind. Perhaps he didn’t want the moment to end either; as farfetched as that sounded.

If she didn’t do something soon, she might just convince herself to remain in that alleyway forever. She cleared her throat and tore her eyes away, forcing herself to remember that she was now very late for her meeting. She hadn’t even gone to the Keep to check in or tend to her Viscount duties since Ash had stepped back into her life, which was unlike her. Aveline was probably worried sick at this point.

"We...really should be going," she almost whispered, her voice unsure and giving away the lack of confidence in her statement.  She stepped back even more so she slipped completely out of his grasp. "Or Aveline will send a search party."

Even though she had just ended it, a part of her was still unwilling to let the moment go. Before she could overthink it she let one of her hands trace the surface of his arm then slide down to his fingertips, a part of her curious as to what he would do. She would scold herself for it later.

He dropped his gaze to their hands, still thrown by their unexpected exchange. His chest was warm where she had been pressed to it and he found himself disappointed that she was no longer there. They couldn’t very well stand there being sentimental forever, though, so he was pleased she had the good sense to step back. He apparently didn’t, which had him once again questioning what or who he was turning into. Whoever it was, at least that person was able to assist Hawke.

He pursed his lips in thought for a moment, hyper-aware of her fingers along his. It took him back to many years ago, when he first arrived in Kirkwall and settled in his designated area at the docks. He remembered standing near the entrance as the sun set on one occasion, simply observing the strange people he found himself surrounded by. Their customs were unlike anything he had ever seen. They were sloppy, controlled by whims and emotion; seemingly flailing about with no real purpose in life. But, there was one pair of humans that stood out to him; which reminded him of his current situation.

He recalled observing as they strolled together, shoulder to shoulder, barely taking their eyes off each other to watch where they were going. They were so engrossed in on another, they didn’t even notice the enormous leader of the Antaam standing only a short distance away. The thing that stuck out to him most was their hands. They had been clasped together tightly, something he found curious and completely unnecessary at the time. What was the point of such a thing? He was not able to fathom why other races felt the need to feel so connected, to use another as a crutch. He asked himself why they thought they needed another person to feel fulfilled. That moment cemented his belief that those not of the Qun were weak and pathetic.

He was now realizing that observing and experiencing it yourself were two completely different things. The urge he had to reciprocate her light touch was strong, giving him a bit of a clue as to why the couple from his past interacted the way they did. There was a pull, something invisible that made you feel tied to that person. He supposed that was just what happened over time when you were in the company of another. It was exactly why his people did not develop personal relationships; to avoid this very thing.

He wasn’t particularly fond of the idea of sharing a bond with Hawke, but he was self-aware enough to know it was there. He didn’t think he would ever be able to truly comprehend the full extent of human emotion, but for now he was satisfied with his small revelation. It made it much easier for him to swallow his own actions as he returned her gesture, lacing his large fingers with her petite ones.

He could tell he had surprised her in doing so; the look on her face telling him everything her mouth failed to. Instead of letting silence stretch between them until it became awkward, he took a lesson from the humans several years ago and started walking back out of the alley with her in tow, leaning down to pick his harness up as they passed. He realized once they were out in the open again he would have to release her so he slowed his steps, wanting to get a legitimate feel for this hand holding thing and attempt to gain an understanding for its appeal to others.

Hawke followed with a stunned expression, wondering if she had gone insane. Was Ash actually holding her hand? Did he even understand the sentiment?

She didn't believe it at first; having to blink a few times to realize that the former Arishok was purposely engaging in such an affectionate gesture. His fingers entwining with hers was unexpected, despite the embrace they had shared a short time ago. One sweet interaction with him was surprising enough, but two? What in Thedas was going on? She couldn’t wrap her head around it, so she instead focused on the way her hand felt encased in his. His was enormous in comparison; so much so she could hardly see her own. Somehow though, it still seemed natural within his grip. A slow smile crept to the corner of her mouth as she caught up to walk beside him instead of behind him. Well, wasn’t this interesting?

This was a gesture typically reserved for those who were significantly bonded; in love or at least romantically involved. There was no way that was the case for either of them. They were close friends sure, or at least she liked to think so, but did he understand the distinction between friends and _more_ than friends? And what else could he do to her with those massive hands of his?

_Whoa there, that’s enough of that Hawke!_

She quickly put the thought out of her mind and reminded herself that this was simply a gesture of friendship. He was only trying to help her keep her wits and not lose her head right there in the streets. He was still of the Qun and there was no way this was anything more. He was set in his taciturn, hardened ways and she couldn’t see him changing enough to feel deep emotion for another person.

She looked down at their hands again, her brow furrowing. Or, at least that's what she had previously thought. Maybe she was wrong to presume he couldn't truly love or care for anything. He had never been given the chance, after all. His society would never have allowed it and he was a sterling example of what they stood for. Hawke knew he had complete respect for her after all they had been through, but to actually care for her? That was something much more intense and complex than she could fathom right now. She had never felt so naive in her life. She didn’t know what this meant; maybe it didn’t mean anything. She wasn’t about to drive herself crazy trying to analyze it. All she knew was that their linked hands felt nice. That was enough for now.

She gave his palm a firm yet gentle squeeze to show him that she appreciated what he was doing before shooting him a slight smile.  They were reaching the end of the alley now and as much as she hated to do it, she released herself from his grip once they were back out in the open. She found herself wishing the moment had lasted longer the second he widened the distance between them and recommenced his stoic, reserved demeanor. There was never enough time to savor the small things she shared with the adorable brute.

"Now, which way were we headed again?" she asked, having trouble coming back to reality; since what had just happened between them was clearly a dream. "Oh yes, The Keep."

She sauntered off in the correct direction, glancing at him from over her shoulder. When it came down to it, she was happy he had taken the time to comfort her in his own way. She felt lighter and much less burdened now. Ash really knew what he was doing. She flashed him a bashful and affectionate grin before concentrating on where she was walking; failing miserably at keeping herself from being transparent.

After he got done staring at his hand as if she had seared some sort of mark onto it, Ash strapped his harness back to his chest while they moved up the ridiculously showy amount of steps leading to the huge building Hawke was now in charge of. He wondered if that would change now that she was going to run off in search of her sister. She even mentioned something about the Inquisition and possibly becoming involved with it. Surely that would take copious amounts of time and cause her to neglect her position a great deal.

He couldn’t imagine the people would be happy with such a decision; they might possibly even oust her if she was gone too long. Was she so willing to abandon her duties? A few years ago he would have judged her harshly for such a thing, but he himself had done it to act upon his hatred for this place. Had he never broke protocol and attacked, he would still be Arishok and his life would be so much different now.

He tensed slightly as they moved to the giant front doors, eyeing the heavily armored guards on either side of them. It was a surreal experience returning here willingly after having invaded it. He knew Aveline would recognize him the second she laid eyes on him. He wanted to watch her squirm, but what would happen if she rallied her people to attack him instead? Would she even listen to Hawke if she tried to put a stop to such a thing? The woman hated him, possibly enough to betray her leader if she thought Hawke was making a terrible mistake by keeping him at her side.

That thought made him nervous. He had no doubt he could handle a handful of flimsy guards, but that was not the point. He was starting to be a little more comfortable with his existence and if he were to be attacked here this day, he would be thrust back into chaos. He didn’t think he was stable enough just yet to handle an uprising against him. He would _definitely_ snap if anybody tried to use his presence and past sins to hurt Hawke in any way. She was taking a risk just being involved with him.

Hawke seemed to sense his reluctance as they entered the Keep. She reached over and touched his arm lightly before giving him a confident nod and continuing forward. He hesitantly followed, his eyes darting everywhere and searching for any signs that he was being recognized. Indeed, he looked different, but some people had minds like a steel trap. It wasn’t so hard to believe that one of them would know his face. He was now regretting his choice to come along, but it was too late now. They were already moving through a set of doors he could only assume led to the Guard Captain’s office. All he could do at this point was brace himself for the worst.

Aveline looked over from staring out the window in thought. The moment she saw Hawke, a flood of relief spread through her chest. She was worried about the Viscount, and had been very close to calling on her personally at her Estate. She smiled slightly and opened her mouth to greet her when a large Qunari entered the room and slowly closed the doors behind them. Hawke looked completely uncomfortable and guilty, like a Mabari pup who had just shit on the carpet and knew it was in trouble. What was going on? She blinked a moment, roaming her eyes between them with that very question written on her face.

Then she got a good look at the Viscount’s companion and her blood ran cold. She stared in shock as Hawke lifted her hands and said something to her. Aveline didn’t hear it. Her heart began to pound in her temples as she drew her sword in alarm. The fury she felt when she had last looked upon the monster was returning to her in a blinding flash. _Not him. Anybody but him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for following along! This chapter is one of our favorites and made us all fangirly. It's a wonderful thing to watch two people transform before your very eyes. One of the moments in the chapter that had the most impact was when Ash did the unexpected and took her hand in his. TheChampion04 chose that moment to recreate with art. Isn't her drawing lovely? 
> 
> To see more of TheChampion04's art, click [HERE](http://clarice04.deviantart.com/)
> 
> To join our Bioware group on Facebook click [ HERE](https://www.facebook.com/groups/biowareownsmysoul/)
> 
> To visit KristaRabbit's Tumblr click [ HERE](http://kristarabbit.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Check back soon for more updates!


	5. Cobwebs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I lit a match today  
> I watched it burn away  
> All that I had, all that I've owned  
> All that I've wanted, all that I've known  
> I can rebuild bigger and higher  
> I can replace what I lost in the fire  
> Let it all burn up to the sky  
> There is a freedom you cannot deny  
> I can rebuild, bigger and higher  
> I can replace what I lost in the fire  
> Look at the diamonds in their eyes  
> Not just from the riches, nor from the gold  
> But from all of the sparkles that they found in the coal  
> Let them feel the warmth of their new found desire"  
> (We can rebuild, bigger and higher  
> We can replace what we lost in the fire)
> 
> -Troy Baker

“What is _wrong_ with you?! Why are you protecting him?!” Aveline shouted, enraged that Hawke had pulled her back from ramming her sword through that Qunari bastard’s chest. She was in complete disbelief that the Viscount had the gall to walk around with the beast, let alone bring him to the Keep. After what he had done, he deserved so much more than a quick death, but her steel would have to do.

Ash stepped backwards with a glare to put distance between himself and his would-be attacker. His fists were clenched tightly and his shoulders tense. It took everything inside of him not to bat the Guard Captain across the room when she charged him. He had genuinely hoped the woman would refrain from an outburst of violence, but deep down he knew that would not be the case. He could see pure hatred in her eyes; it was the same gaze she had given him all those years ago. Time had not quelled her abhorrence for him.

He pursed his lips and shot a glance to Hawke, grateful she was there to be a voice of reason. But, _was_ there reason in their situation? He and Hawke walking around as if nothing had happened did not make sense in the slightest; he did not deny this. He could not blame the bothersome redhead for her actions against him. If the roles were reversed he would not have given pause; he would have killed her on the spot. Still, he wanted very much for her to shut her vile mouth and calm down so they could speak without belligerence. He sighed and forced himself to stay calm, though he was highly irritated that he was having to hide behind a human woman. He never thought he would see the day where he preferred peace over violence.

"If you’d lower your blade and get a grip, I could explain!" Hawke struggled to spit out while attempting to keep Aveline from striking Ash. It was no easy task; her friend was as strong as she looked. Eventually, though, Hawke was able to get her to withdraw her sword and take a step back. She was stunned to see Aveline react so irrationally; she typically had more sense than to act on blind impulse.

Ash was keeping his distance and doing a good job of remaining composed, which was shocking, but she wasn't about to complain. His actions worked to her benefit entirely. The last thing she needed right now was him egging Aveline on and making things worse. This situation was tense enough without him adding to it.

“I don’t want you to EXPLAIN!” Aveline hissed, her eyes never leaving the man she despised. “I want that animal tried and executed, just like he should have been years ago!”

Ash glared at her words, his jaw clenching tight and his teeth grating together. He cursed himself for ever wanting to accompany Hawke here and come face to face with this wretched woman. The years that passed caused him to forget just how easily she could get under his skin, but he was receiving a rude reminder now. “Cease your squawking and let Hawke speak,” he said simply, not allowing himself to be swayed by the other woman’s attempt to start a fight.

Unfortunately, that was all he needed to say to rile Aveline up all over again. Hawke almost choked on the anger radiating off of her as she fumed and barreled towards him a second time, determined to make him pay for what he had done to them and the citizens of Kirkwall. Because of him, so many had lost loved ones. Aveline herself had lost many a friend and comrade to his siege.

When people were highly incensed and acting on emotion, they were more vulnerable and prone to letting their guard down. Hawke knew this and used it to her advantage. Aveline was quick, but nowhere near as fast as she. In the blink of an eye, she moved in on her friend with lightning fast reflexes well before she could get close enough to Ash to do any damage. She swung her foot out, causing Aveline to lose her balance and fall flat on her backside to the floor. Before her stunned Guard Captain could even react with a counterattack, Hawke had her pinned, pointing both her blades directly at her chest.

Ash tensed as he watched the scuffle, but remained frozen in place. This was one time he knew for certain that Hawke would not appreciate his interference. He was rather impressed by how quickly she was able to take down the heavily armored wall she liked to call a friend. He eyed her a moment with an enthralled expression, unable to hide the small glint of amusement in his eyes. Nothing pleased him more in this moment than seeing her put somebody in their place.

It was a tense few seconds. Hawke had no idea what the repercussions would be for her take down, so she waited for a reaction with bated breath. Luckily, after another few moments, she could see in her eyes that Aveline was slowly coming back to her senses. "Now, can we discuss this in a civilized manner or am I going to have to restrain you?"

“You might have to do just that, Viscount,” the woman on her back uttered bitterly, her body shaking from the amount of held back rage surging through her. There was no plausible explanation as to why her leader had the Arishok with her. Aveline leaned her head back against the hard floor and stared up at the ceiling for a moment, wondering if she had gone mad and this was all just a horrific hallucination.

The man did not deserve to walk at her colleague’s side; he deserved nothing but a shallow unmarked grave in the middle of the wilds. What reason could there possibly be for letting him roam free so he could hurt others again? _This_ , she had to hear. “Let me up. I will not agree with anything that’s about to come out of your mouth, but I will listen.”

She could see Hawke’s face soften as she slowly retracted her blades and stepped back a ways. It never mattered how heated their fights got, the two women always went back to being friends the second it was over. As she got to her feet with a grumble, Aveline was never more grateful that this was the case. She knew Hawke wouldn’t fire her on the spot for suddenly swinging her fist out and slamming it directly into the Viscount’s jaw with a loud thump. She pulled her hand back and rubbed her knuckles with a stubborn glare. There was no doubt in her mind that the hit was very much deserved.

"Andraste's flaming ass!" Hawke hissed from the sneering pain that now had her mouth throbbing. Once the dizziness in her head subsided, she looked at her offender with widened eyes, unable to hide the shock she felt.

She knew deep down that she had it coming for waltzing Ash in here without much of an explanation, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Aveline never hit her unless it was to make a point, or because she had been pressed too far. The strike said everything that needed to be said; her quick-tempered, redheaded companion would never accept or understand why he was here. Hawke rubbed her face and searched desperately for words, but none seemed to come. What could she even say that would make a difference?

Ash widened his eyes and watched in shock when the smaller woman stumbled backwards a few steps, his blood instantly coming to a boil. What reason did the bitch have for hitting her? _He_ was the one she was angry with! His nostrils flared and he was instantly moving towards them, no longer giving a damn what the consequences would be. He would strangle the Captain right here and now before he let her lay a hand on his friend again.

It seemed like the Maker was testing Hawke today. She had just gotten done calming one angry person, and now she was having to do a one eighty to place both hands against a massive Qunari’s chest in a desperate attempt to hold him back. It was to no avail, however. She felt her feet glide along the floor as his weight easily pushed her backwards. There was no way she would be able to stop him by force, so she had no other choice but to demand that he stand down in hopes he would listen. If he did not, this would get very ugly.

"Ash, STOP!" she shouted, staring up at him with desperate eyes.

He growled deep in his chest, his scowl locked on the pompous witch just a few feet away. He didn’t want to stop. He wanted to punch _her_ in her face so she would know what it felt like to be hit by somebody far larger than you. He could only hope that when he did, he would break something so he could hear the satisfying crunch that occurred when bone gave way to force.

“Ash, PLEASE!”

Hawke’s pleading somehow got past the vengeful anger he was feeling. Despite his instincts urging him forward, he forced himself to stop short and peer down at her. She looked terrified, but not of him. She knew that if he and Aveline got into a scuffle, one of them would end up hurt and it would draw a lot of attention. He was surprised nobody had burst in on them already with the amount of noise they were making.

The thought of him jeopardizing Hawke and his cover was enough to sober him a great deal. No good would come of this. This was just another test to push him to his limits. He was trying to prove to himself that he could regain control of his life, and if it was not for Hawke he would have failed moments ago. His glare slowly softened, but he in no way relaxed. Aveline wanted him dead, and he wasn’t about to let his guard down around her. “I will stop. For you.”

The guard captain scoffed and sneered at him as if he were the vilest creature in Thedas. “Oh no, by all means you filthy murdering animal; continue! Attack me! Show Hawke your _true_ nature since she seems to have forgotten!”

"That's ENOUGH Aveline!" Hawke yelled at the Captain, swiping the air with her arm and glaring daggers at the woman.

Hawke figured from the start that this was not going to be an easy conversation, but never did she expect such a harsh reaction. How could Aveline, the one who had always held her back from a fight, now be the only threat in the room? Hawke needed to make her understand her decision at the very least, even if they were not going to agree. The hate brewing and boiling within Aveline's heart ran deep; making it difficult for her to look at this from an unbiased point of view. How did one reason with a lion trying to protect her children?

She had honestly expected Ash to be the one causing a scene. He was not a patient man, especially when it came to Aveline. Thank the Maker he had done exactly as she asked. Was that not reason enough for Aveline to at least settle down and not act like the animal she was accusing Ash of being? If there was anything Hawke couldn't stand, it was a hypocrite.

"Why don't you calm down, put the claws back in, and stop being such a damn bigot!” she snapped, her patience rolling downhill quickly. “He's not here to attack anyone, and taunting him isn't doing us any favors. You're better than this Aveline. Just calm your knickers for Maker's sake! You have to trust me." Hawke was firm and looked her Captain dead in the eyes, but the gaze ended up being more pleading than anything. This was one of her best friends; she just _had_ to see reason.

“ _Trust_ you?!” Aveline spit back, not backing down for even a second. “You stupid girl! How can I trust you when you just came in here practically holding hands with the man who _murdered_ our people?! Do you not remember how many people lost their husbands or wives? Their children? Their friends? All because of _him_!”

Her eyes were threatening to fill with tears now, but Aveline held them back. She was not the type of woman to blubber or show weakness. The Viscount was being foolish and putting herself in grave danger; and for what? “Marian, are you sick? Think about all those people who aren’t here anymore because of this brute’s actions. He didn’t even pay for what he did! He just got to stroll out of Kirkwall without penalty! He’s a cold blooded killer who needs to be put down as recompense for all those lives lost.”

Ash glared daggers at her, peeved that a woman who knew nothing about him presumed to know what had transpired once he left. She didn’t care that he had more than suffered for his actions. The torture, the mild altering drugs, the beatings, the utter loss of everything he once held; none of it would ever be enough for her. She wanted to watch him suffer anew, simply to make _herself_ feel better about her own failure to stop his attack years ago.

“Say about me as you will, but show some respect when you speak to your superior,’ he stated bitterly before turning and moving across the room to take a seat. Once he was a safe distance away, he gripped the arms of the chair tightly and took slow, even breaths to try and remain calm. If he lingered within arms distance of that woman, he wasn’t sure if he could stop himself from backhanding her across the face.

Aveline looked utterly revolted that he was still in the same room. She made a face when he spoke, and that quickly caused Hawke to lose patience with her close friend. Hawke didn't even attempt to glance back at Ash. She could see his scowl vividly in her mind and could only guess as to how he must be feeling after hearing all of this. She could sense the tension radiating off of him as he hunkered down in his chair.

"And what does that make me Aveline? Or you? Have we not taken lives for causes that we believed in? He didn't act blindly. Don't you see?” she asked, trying desperately to make Aveline understand. “He attacked us because he did what he believed was right. He felt it was his duty to act. You know how much this town has torn itself apart since we arrived. He was at the end of his rope. How many times had you gone through the same thing? How many times were _you_ forced to make tough decisions that would not always rally support?"

Hawke tried her best to defend him, but Aveline didn't seem like she was impressed with what was being said. "And he _did_ pay for it Aveline. Look at him. They tore him apart when he went back, then cast him out. You know how strongly he felt about the Qun. All that was ripped away from him.” She paused to take a glance back at him, smiling only slightly, before moving her gaze back to lock her gaze on Aveline’s. “I was given a second chance to make my life better. Can't he be offered the same courtesy?"

Ash looked at Hawke then, some of the anger draining from his face. His lips parted slightly and all he could do was release a thick breath from his tightened chest as his gaze roamed over her in wonder. He was so concentrated on Aveline until this moment, he didn’t even notice how zealously Hawke was defending him. Everything the puke on the other end of the room was saying was true. He was a murderer. He had caused so many people so much pain; and he did it all without remorse. He had even tried to destroy the two women before him now, not stopping once to think about the consequences. Yet, for reasons completely unknown to him, Hawke had somehow pardoned him in her own mind.

She didn’t even truly know what had happed to him once he left her laying on the floor in this very building, bloodied and broken. She couldn’t know for sure that he had suffered enough to make up for the lives he had taken. It wasn’t something he spoke about and she had the good graces not to ask. Even without that knowledge, Hawke still believed in him and continued to fight for him; even against her own comrade. She still thought he deserved a second chance and a new life after all that he had done. Not even _he_ could think of a reason he should be forgiven, but she did. Somehow, she did. Warmth bloomed in his chest and he quickly took his eyes off of her, looking down at his feet instead.

Aveline crossed her arms and glared between the two, feeling sick about what she was seeing and hearing. This had to be a dream or a revolting joke. Hawke was actually defending the ass and trying to compare his gruesome actions to their own. No matter how many times she got fed up with this city, she would _never_ condone destroying it. It was true; she herself had taken lives, but that had been to _protect_ the city, not snuff it out completely. The people here were the ones who deserved a chance to grow and change, not the monster sitting in the corner. Why was Hawke behaving so blindly?

She turned her eyes to the Arishok, wishing that looks really could kill. It was only for a moment, but before he looked down she managed to catch an expression on his face she had never seen him carry before. He looked at her Viscount with a softness so unlike him it felt wrong and unnatural. What was she not seeing here?

She thought back on the moment he had walked through the door with her friend, recalling the way he hovered over her. He was so close, he could have been growing on her like a fungus. The two of them were behaving very oddly. Hawke was defending him with no good reason as to why, and he was making puppy dog eyes at her. A look of disgust slowly settled on her features. Was there something going on between them? The very thought made her want to hurl her lunch into the nearest wastebasket, but it would explain why Hawke was quick to jump to his aid. She always had been dumb when it came to matters of the heart.

She prayed to the Maker that this was not the case as she turned her scrutinizing glare to the obviously insane woman beside her. There was only one way to find out. The look on Hawke’s face when she called her on it would tell Aveline everything she needed to know. Over the years she had become very skilled in reading her friend.

“Some people don’t deserve second chances. Did you not learn your lesson with Anders?” she asked, cringing at herself for bringing him up. It was a low blow, but if Hawke didn’t want to see reason on her own, then she would _make_ her. If a punch to the face didn’t work, then perhaps this would. “You put your trust in him because of the feelings you held for him. Those feelings blinded you to what he really was. And where did that get you in the end, Marian? Are you really so quick to repeat your mistakes? This man is _bad_ for you, just like Anders was. Whatever you are feeling for him right now, I can promise you it’s only going to bring you trouble in the end.”

And there it was; Aveline's strongest weapon she had to use against her. Never in a thousand years did Hawke expect she would use her pain to make her case. That was an entirely new low for her. Hawke's shoulders tensed and her fists tightened until her knuckles were white. She was ready to tackle the hypocritical bitch right off her feet again for even bringing Anders into this; only then she wouldn't allow her to get back up.

"H-How can you say that to me? Ash-He-He's nothing like Anders." Hawke struggled at finding the right words to fire back with, instantly choked up by the thought of Anders. Aveline knew exactly how much her words would sting, which only made it worse. "You have no clue what you're talking about! Even if what you're saying is true, what would you know about it?! You wouldn't even have a love life of your own if it wasn't for me. I handed Donnic to you on a silver platter! I practically had to sleep with him just so he would even notice you! You're the last person who would understand what it's like to have someone you love stab you right in the back. The fact that you're even bringing this up now shows your true colors."

Ash watched the interchange in complete silence, feeling very uncomfortable with the current subject matter. After the moment he and Hawke had shared in the alleyway before coming here, he found it incredibly distasteful that Aveline would bring the mage up. If she was Hawke’s friend, though that was debatable at the moment, surely she knew how emotionally damaged by his death she was. He wasn’t exactly an expert on feelings, but even _he_ knew better than to try and use that against her.

He tried to will himself invisible as he sat there watching the heated exchange, wishing he were anywhere but in this room. He could feel the tension thick in the air around the two arguing women and he didn’t like the panicked feeling it gave him. This was the first time he was experiencing two females caught up in emotion and taking it out on one another. It felt very awkward to be caught in the middle.

It only made him feel worse that _he_ was the reason for the argument in the first place. He was the reason Hawke was getting grief. This was the future they had to look forward to if he were to remain at her side. There would always be somebody out there who hated the very idea of him and the Champion being in each other’s company. Hawke would never stop having to defend her decision to take him back into her life. The thought made his stomach tighten.

Aveline widened her eyes and stared at Hawke for several seconds, her face turning a new shade of red. “Don’t you DARE bring my personal life into this! This had nothing to do with Donnic, and I’m not the one walking around with a murderer at my side!” she spit back. “You have a bad habit of trusting the wrong people and I’m not going to let another man with ulterior motives hurt you again!”

Aveline’s anger turned to sadness in almost the blink of an eye. Her face dropped and she tried desperately not to start crying with frustration. Why couldn’t Hawke see that she was traveling down the same path that caused her so much pain before? She had to stop her from making a terrible mistake before it was too late. “Think about what you are doing for a second, Hawke! I didn’t bring Anders up to hurt you, I brought him up to show you how serious this is! Can you honestly say you trust this man? He tried to murder you then just walked out of your life. And now all of a sudden he shows up years later out of the blue? Why? What reason could he possibly have for being here? Did you even ask? For all you know, he could be a Qunari spy using your weakness for him to get close to you! There’s no way he came back because he missed Kirkwall.”

Ash snorted from the corner, the first sound he had made in several minutes. A Qunari spy? Unlikely. Even the Ben-Hassrath did not want him after everything that had happened. Aveline was grasping at strings in her desperate attempt to turn Hawke against him. The entire argument was pointless. He was now counting the seconds until he could get out of here.

Hawke was literally speechless by Aveline’s words. This time there was no harshness in them, only genuine concern. Somehow, that was the trigger that snapped her back to reality. She glanced over at Ash when she heard him make a noise, noting the look on his face. It told her he thought Aveline’s accusation was completely ridiculous.  But, what if her friend was right? What if he was playing her and only showing what he _wanted_ her to see? How well _did_ she know him now? She had no idea why he was here. He certainly hadn’t offered that information, and even she couldn’t deny how suspicious it seemed.

Hawke had known Aveline for many years how, much longer than she had the former Arishok.  If the woman was making a case this passionately at the risk of their friendship, then her reasons for thinking Ash would turn on her could be legitimate. Aveline made sense from a logical standpoint, so why was Hawke so determined to believe him over her? After Anders betrayed her, she told herself she would never again trust another person. Yet, she had trusted Ash the second he popped back into her life. Why? Was that exactly what he wanted?

Doubt surfaced in her expression. She had made so many poor choices in the past. Was she about to add another one to that list? Trusting Ash seemed too good to be true at this point.  Whenever she felt that way about anything, nine times out of ten, it was. Hawke shook her head and pressed her fingers between her eyebrows in frustration. What if she was failing to see what could actually be at play here? Maker only knew why she had so easily romanticized everything that happened between them. Aveline was trying so hard to get her to look at this from another perspective. After all they had been through together, the least Hawke could do was try.

That was a terrifying thing for her to do. If her friend was right, if Ash really was here for ominous reasons, then she had just fallen for it like a fool. Was she really so predictable and easy to manipulate? She never felt so humiliated and she wasn’t in the mood to stand here in the Keep and have an internal crisis. She needed to get Ash out of here and back to her place before Aveline took advantage of Hawke’s moment of uncertainty and tried to apprehend him. She wanted Ash to explain himself to her first, not give Kirkwall the satisfaction of prosecuting him. This was her problem, and she would take care of it.

At the moment, though, there were more important matters that needed to be taken care of first. Discovering Ash's true intentions was not at the top of that list. She still was furious with Aveline for hitting her and taking advantage of her grief, so she was going to make this quick. She needed to redirect the spotlight off of Ash and divulge her true reasons for being here. "I hear you Aveline, loud and clear, but I don't have time to stand here and argue with you all day. I’ve received word that Beth is missing and possibly in danger. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't go and find her."

Aveline's mood seemed to shift instantly at the news. That was good. At least her Guard Captain wasn’t so consumed with her hatred that she had lost all sense of priority. When Hawke spoke again, she was all business and very much the Viscount. "I’m leaving tomorrow. I could really use your help by maintaining Kirkwall while I'm gone. You’ve done well with that in the past, and I trust you do so again. I was going to take Ash—him with me."

Somehow, now saying his new name felt wrong.  Using it in front of Aveline caused a heaviness to settle in her chest. To her, he wasn’t a new man; just the same cold ruthless brute he was many years ago. She took a breath and squared her shoulders, determined to show that she was done discussing matters. "Refrain from unleashing your men on him until I say so. That’s an order. If you're not capable of this, then I can always find someone else with more respect for my position."

Aveline’s jaw clenched at the command, but she slowly nodded and shot a perturbed glance the Arishok’s way. If Bethany was missing, she knew without a doubt that Hawke would remain gone until she found out what happened to her. Bethany was near and dear to her own heart, and she would gladly take on the role of Viscount for as long as she had to if it meant there was a chance she could be rescued. Her only problem was Hawke taking a killer with her. If her suspicions were correct, Bethany wouldn’t be the only one in danger. Of course, she was glad he would no longer be in the city, but not if it risked Hawke’s safety.

She noted the stern look on Marian’s face and sighed, sagging her shoulders in defeat. When the Viscount made up her mind, there was no amount of arguing in the world that could change it. Aveline had pleaded her case, and that was all she could do. At least now, Hawke would be more on guard around the beast and that was a slight comfort. She was an adult, perfectly capable of taking care of herself. “I will make sure things run smoothly Hawke. Just go make sure Bethany is safe.”

The former Arishok stood then, causing Aveline to tense all over again and the muscles in her neck to tighten. Just being in the same room with him made her skin crawl. He approached slowly and she lifted her chin, glaring a warning his way. “If you do anything to put my friend in danger, I will hunt you down myself and make you regret it,” she threatened, stepping back several feet when he finally reached them. How could Hawke stand to be so close to him?

Ash glared at her, but said nothing, knowing full well the woman would make good on her promise, or at least attempt to do so. She was unable to go up against him years ago, and he doubted she could do so now. He was too caught up in his own thoughts to give her any more attention. She was not worth his time. Instead, he stared at Hawke with a slightly concerned expression. He could tell that she had been rattled by what was said here today. That much was evident when she went from pleading his case to making it known there was a possibility she would give the order to have him apprehended. That had stunned him to say the least.

After everything that had transpired between them, would she really consider such a thing? It was her, after all, who had insisted he remain alive and at her side. If she were just going to have him imprisoned based on the paranoid words of a woman who hated him, why bother with him in the first place? He didn’t know what was going on in her head, but he knew what was in his. There was no way he would allow himself to be shoved in a cell again. He would mow through the entire populace of Kirkwall before he let that happen. The very thought of being trapped alone in the dark again made him anxious and even more eager to get out of this place. He would speak to Hawke later, once they were alone and away from the poison Aveline was putting in her head.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The walk back from the Keep was nerve-racking and awkward. The muscles in Hawke’s neck and shoulders were so stiff, it was obvious she was rattled by Aveline’s words. She felt blinded by her emotions over the last few days. She didn't even know what she was supposed to say when she got home with Ash; if she should even be calling him that. Her mind was flustered with too many thoughts. What should she believe? Could she trust her own feelings? Was her Guard Captain onto something, or full of shit? Regardless, Hawke was livid and needed answers.

Not a single word was spoken as they made their way back to Hawke Estate, and Ash was completely fine with that. He would prefer it if they waited awhile before touching on what had happened at the Keep. He knew Hawke would not let this go, but hoped she would at least give herself time to calm down first. Unfortunately, that was not the case. They were barely through the front doors before she turned on him, crossed her arms, and blocked him from leaving the foyer with an expression that warned him from trying to squirm away.

He frowned and tensed, staring right back at her in a silent standoff. He wasn’t eager to have what promised to be a lovely conversation, so he kept his mouth closed and waited for her to start. Damn Aveline for ruining the comfortable comradery they had established not minutes before seeing her. That sad excuse for a woman pissed on everything and took every chance she could to suck the life out of whatever she came into contact with.

"I want you to tell me the truth. I demand that you explain yourself. Maker help me, if you've been deceiving me…" Hawke commanded in a low tone after a few more tense moments. Before she could finish her sentence, her voice gave out and trailed off.  She was too furious with the entire situation to say much else.

His eyes slowly narrowed as he mimicked her movements, crossing his own arms in kind. “And what, exactly, is it you think I need to explain Hawke?” he asked, not bothering to hide the irritation in his voice. “Am I now being interrogated? Just because Aveline said so?”

The quickness in which Hawke had changed her demeanor towards him was unsettling. The past few days had been the best he’d experienced in years if he really thought about it. He couldn’t even remember a time where he felt so relaxed or peaceful, but now that was gone. He had just gotten done admiring Hawke’s belief in him before she snatched it way. Was it really so easy for her feelings to be swayed? He told her from the beginning that having him in her company would earn her disdain. She insisted she could handle it, yet here she was turning on him at the first sign of disapproval.

She felt a slight pang of guilt at his question, but pushed it away. If he was using her feelings to manipulate her, she couldn’t let him get under her skin. For all she knew, he had been playing her since the moment she found him on the beach. Maybe the easy way in which she was able to persuade him not to kill himself was the first red flag. Was it an act? Did he set this up _knowing_ she would react that way, so he could make her think it was _her_ idea to bring him with her? What if he was plotting his revenge? What if he came back to finish what he started? These were all questions that needed to be resolved, and immediately. "You are, if what Aveline said is true,” she finally answered in an exasperated voice. “Is this some plot to get information from me; to get close enough to me to use it to your advantage?"

The thought was enough to make her puke.

Saying what was on her mind out loud made the possibility of it all being true much too real. She couldn't stand the way he was looking at her as if she were actually hurting his feelings, but maybe that was exactly what he wanted. She thought back to the day Anders had tricked her into helping set up the destruction of the Chantry, claiming it was for a good cause. He had given her that same look and she caved, agreeing to his wishes blindly. She should have asked _him_ more questions. If she had, maybe she could have stopped him. That day would haunt her forever. Hawke's stomach began to do summersaults. "Are the Qunari planning something? I need answers, and I want them now."

Ash made a face at her, completely shocked by what she had just asked him. When Aveline brought that possibility up, he thought it was the most outlandish thing he had ever heard. He couldn’t believe Hawke was actually falling for such bullshit. She was smarter than that, but apparently these emotions humans were so consumed by made them stupid as well. He would have none of it. She obviously needed time for logical thought to seep back into her brain before they could have any sort of discussion. “If you want to know what the Qunari are doing, perhaps you should ask a QUNARI,” he shot at her gruffly before moving around her and venturing deeper into her home. “You’re being ridiculous.”

Hawke huffed at his denial and quickly ran after him to cut him off. How dare he walk away from her! She shoved her hands against his chest and attempted to stop him from moving with a creased brow. She wasn't about to allow him in her home now if he was plotting against her. "Oh no you don't. You don't get to walk away! Tell me the _truth_! Where have you been all these years? Why did you even come back?"

He shoved her hands away from him and glared, angry now from her pushing. “Keep your hands off of me,” he growled before stepping back and looking at her as if she were crazy. Right now, he was genuinely wondering if that were the case. He had never seen her so paranoid before and it was quickly becoming a problem. What right did she have to pry into his past like this? “Where I’ve been is not your business,” he shot at her, his voice tense and biting. “Did I ask you for a full report on what _you_ have been up to since I left? I do not answer to _you_. You are not _my_ Viscount.”

A pitiful excuse if Hawke ever heard one. She ignored him trying to brush her away as if she were some insect and stared him down, unwilling to relent. His attempts to turn this back around on her only made him look more suspicious. If he were without fault, why couldn't he just tell her the truth? "If you want me to trust you, you have to tell me!"

She didn't care if giving him an ultimatum came off as immature. She had to hear him explain himself with her own ears or she would never be able to move on from this. “Or was Aveline right? Maybe your unwillingness to talk is just proof that you came back to finish what you started! Maybe you are out for revenge and wish to see me dead."

“I never _asked_ you to trust me!” he all but shouted in response, his voice raising as proof that she was pushing him too far. He was losing his temper fast and it was becoming harder and harder to reel it in. He stepped back up to her until his chest was nearly slamming into hers and glared down at her, his body language telling her to back off. “I wanted you to leave me alone so I could take my life in peace! _You_ are the reason I’m here! Or have you already forgotten how you whined and pleaded for me to stop pushing that sword into my heart? _You_ chose to have me at your side. Are you really so dense that you are going to allow Aveline to make you doubt your instincts? If I were here for nefarious purposes, I wouldn’t bother standing here taking this nonsense from you! If I wanted you dead, I would have snapped your neck the second I had you alone on that beach. As for the Qunari you think I am aligned with; _where_ are they Hawke? Do you see an army anywhere? Perhaps they are hidden behind the drapes?”

Ridiculing at a time like this? Did he think this was amusing; a game? Hawke was infuriated with him for not seeing how seriously this was hitting her. The way he puffed up his chest thinking that it frightened her was appalling. The truth was; she wanted to believe him, but how could she believe or trust anyone? She didn't have any answers, and following someone on blind faith again was something she could not afford. He knew this. He could plainly see how much Aveline’s words affected her, so why couldn’t he give her something? Anything? Was he defending himself because he was guilty, or innocent?

"Do _not_ mock me," she pushed through her anger, unable to stop herself from getting upset. "I—I just can't take that chance if there's even the slightest possibility you're lying to me. Not after everything that's happened...I just...I just cannot..."

His scowl deepened as her voice cracked and filled with emotion. Goading him didn’t work, so now she was trying to play on his conscience? How many times had he seen humans do this to try and garner sympathy from him? When all else failed, they always fell back to emotions, not realizing that such things did not sway him in the slightest. He wasn’t going to allow her to say such ignorant things to him, to accuse him of made up lies, then get away with it simply because she looked up at him with pretty, blue puppy eyes.

“Oh, but you make it so easy for one to mock you, Hawke,” he told her with an even coldness. “You stand here making a fool of yourself as you do exactly as Aveline wanted. She placed doubt in your mind for a reason; to make you hate me as much as she does; and you fell for it. You’re so easy to manipulate. All one has to do is put an idea in your head, and you let your paranoid delusions do the rest. If I _were_ to come here with evil intentions, I wouldn’t have to work very hard to get you to do exactly as I wanted. How have you fared so well in this world? You’re being pathetic.”

The tightness in Hawke's chest intensified until she could scarcely breathe. She knew he had only said such things to get to her, but his insults still stung. It angered her so greatly, she didn't even want to be in the same room with him anymore. She never wanted to hit him more in her life than she did that second.  She knew he could sense it by the way he was standing, all tensed and braced. It was as if he was ready for it to happen. He _wanted_ her to strike him, but Hawke wasn't about to give him the satisfaction. Instead, she looked him right in the eye with clenched fists. "So that's it? That’s what you really think of me? You find me pathetic?"

He simply nodded without skipping a beat, ensuring that he meant what he had said. His lack of words only infuriated her further. Somehow, the silent gesture hurt more than anything he could have said in that moment.

"Well…fuck you!" she shot at him, unable to stand him any longer. She didn’t bother waiting for his reaction as she turned on her heel and stormed off towards her room in a fit of rage. She was done. She never wanted to see the bastard again and hoped he would take a hint and be gone by the time she emerged again.

He stood very still for a moment, watching her go with his face slowly turning red. His blood was roaring in his ears and his fists were clenched so tightly, he wouldn’t be surprised if his sharp nails were making his palms bleed. He was glad she had stormed off; it saved her from the ire that was threatening to shatter his composure. If she had stayed any longer, he wasn’t sure what sort of horrible things he would have done. His nostrils flared and he took a lesson from her, turning quickly and moving in the opposite direction towards his quarters. He needed to be as far away from her as possible. He needed out of this house, out of this town, even out of the Free Marches. 

Returning to Kirkwall was slowly proving to be one of the biggest mistakes he had ever made. That was saying something, considering he had made many in his life. No, it wasn’t even the city itself. Coming back to _her_ was the mistake. When he first found himself traveling back here on a boat that smelled like piss and fish, he wondered why he felt such a strong urge to do so. Going back to the place where the life he knew came to an abrupt end made no sense.

He knew the answer even back then, but it was still hard to acknowledge. He told himself he just wanted her assistance, but that was a lie. He could have survived on his own without ever seeing her again. He came back _because_ of her. He came back because the second he was dumped off in Antiva and left to fend for himself, Hawke was the first thing that came to his mind. She was what he had been drawn to, and that made him an even bigger fool than he accused her of being.

He should have known this would be a disaster. She was the only person he had ever connected with in his life. She was the only thing outside of the Qun that he knew. When she showed up on the beach that day, it felt like a sign; like he had made the right decision. That in itself should have told him she was unhealthy for him. Connections were nothing but trouble. _She_ was nothing but trouble. No good had ever come from his dealings with her. He was stupid to think it would have been any different now.

She wasn’t even the same person he knew before. She used to be a human who stood out from the others. He respected her; admired her even. Now she was nothing but a paranoid mess who didn’t even know who she was anymore. When he returned to her, he was only looking for a part of his old life; for some semblance of normalcy. That life was gone, the person she used to be was gone, and it was time for him to come to terms with it.

He reached the door to his room and jerked it open so roughly, it nearly came off of its hinges. Instead of going inside, he just stood there, gripping it in his hand and staring at the floor. What was he supposed to do now? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down enough to think.

Without Hawke, he really was truly alone. The Qun was supposed to signify strength and certainty, but did it? It was a crutch. It was safety in numbers. It was an excuse his people used not to feel or use their own minds. They were nothing but children being sheltered from the reality of life outside their figurative prison. They used force to shove their ideals on everyone else because they were afraid of anyone that was different; who might threaten their neat, tidy world.  He was locked in a cell long before he was shoved inside of a real one. Now that he was outside that cell, he was lost. He had nothing. The Qun did nothing to prepare him for a life spent alone.

The awareness of this hit him so hard, he felt physical pain in his chest. He had already started to doubt and resent the Qun, but until this very moment he never truly grasped the reality of his situation. What was one supposed to do when they realized their entire life was a lie? How did one move forward when everything they had ever known was meaningless? He slowly looked over his shoulder and stared at the empty hallway. The quiet surrounding him was deafening, and he had never felt lonelier.

Was this how Hawke felt as well? Was she this empty inside after having lost everything? He had the audacity to accuse her of being different, when he barely even recognized himself. They were both in the same situation, but dealt with it in very different ways. When it came to their pain, he held it in until he was ready to explode and she let it flow out of her in the form of emotion and paranoia. Nether tactic seemed to be working out well for them.

He sighed raggedly and brought his hand up to run it through his white hair, feeling guilty now that anger wasn’t blinding him. He didn’t find her pathetic at all. If anything, _he_ was the pathetic one. He needed a tiny stubborn human to feel as if he had purpose. Yes, he needed Hawke. It wasn’t something he liked to admit to himself, but he wouldn’t stand here in denial. There was no way he could say it wasn’t true when he was standing here about to fall apart at the thought of leaving and never coming back.

That wasn’t going to happen. Not if he had any say in it. He turned and moved back the way he came, not entirely sure what he was doing. Hawke was furious with him. Going back now might very well start another fight. He would just have to risk it. She was as stubborn as they came, but he had always been able to go head to head with her in that department. He would make her see what he had just come to discover: They were failing miserably at dealing with all of the bullshit in their minds. He could show her that there was another way to do things. It would be a wound to his pride, but he had to do something he never thought he would do. He had to confide in a human. That was what she wanted, was it not?

He was moving up the steps towards her room without much thought. He didn’t even know how to approach her with this. He reached down to grip the handle to her door, but was momentarily deterred when he realized it was locked. He considered coming back later, but what if ‘later’ was TOO late? In the end, he decided to go with the direct approach and ripped the knob completely out of the door before pushing it open with a creak.

The look of surprise on her face was expected, but he still took a few seconds to stand motionless and take it in. This was probably the last thing she thought he would do. After he got a good look, he marched right up to her, not wanting to give her any time to start screaming or throwing things. She didn’t move a muscle and he was thankful. The shock had actually worked to his advantage. That wouldn’t last long, however, so he grabbed her by the arms and pulled her close to him in order ensure that she wouldn’t run before he did what he came here to do.

A few seconds ago, Hawke had been fuming and counting all of the reasons she hated Ash. Now, she forgot all about being mad and was instead overcome with bewilderment. Her heart was pounding wildly as if it was about to burst from her chest. What had possessed him do this? He practically ripped her door apart to get to her. Was this it? Was he going to take her head like he did the last Viscount? No, he wasn't; he couldn't. Not with that look in his eyes. Maker only knew how she was able to stare into them without completely falling apart. His gaze was intense, uncertain, and filled with silent words he didn’t know how to express.

It was that same look he gave her after he left the first time. Was this goodbye again? Thinking about him leaving left a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, even though that was what she thought she wanted moments ago. His grip was desperately firm, but not violent. The sensation ignited her nerves and nearly caught her on fire. She could feel the heat rise into her face. Hawke was stunned and utterly confused by his actions. What did he want? What was he about to do? She was actually frightened.

_Please Ash say something; ANYTHING!_

If he wanted her to initiate conversation, she physically and mentally couldn't. Hawke was so overcome with emotions she was left speechless. All she could do was to wait in his strong grasp. She knew he was upset with her. What was he going to do? Not knowing was driving her mad.

“I was tortured,” he spilled out suddenly, after several tense moments of silence. The admonition caused her to blink and look at him questioningly, so he closed his eyes momentarily and took a deep breath before elaborating. “You wanted to know what happened; well there’s your answer. I was tortured. No, not just that. I was taken prisoner after I failed the Qun. You asked where I’ve been all these years. I wasn’t plotting. I wasn’t thinking about revenge. I was locked in a stone cage starving to death. My rations were bread and water every few days and the cell was so small I could barely stand straight. They only let me out to ask me questions that I didn’t have the answers to. When I didn’t tell them what they wanted to hear, they gave me all these scars you see then threw me back into the darkness.”

He paused to take a breath, practically shaking now that it was all coming out. He didn’t want to talk about this. Talking about it only took him back to that place. They hadn’t even had the decency to take him back to Par Vollen. They kept him on Seheron, the most horrific place in Thedas, in a broken down prison, nearly forgotten by the rest of the world. He never wanted to think about or see that wasteland ever again. His voice nearly gave out, but he forced himself to keep going. This was what she wanted to hear.

“Sometimes I got relief when they drugged me until I didn’t know my own name. I couldn’t feel a thing then, only hear them speaking to me as they tried to break my mind and reeducate me. They tried to turn me back into the shining image of a Qunari; to bring me back in line. But I’m stubborn Hawke, you know that. That earned me an even longer sentence in that cage. I laid there sometimes for days in my own piss and shit thinking that they had forgotten about me. Do you know what happens when your own excrement gets in the open wounds on your body? It festers. I was so delirious with fever and infection that I was certain I would die several times. They always came back just in time to ‘save’ me, though. How chivalrous of them, yes? They’d save me just in time to start the process all over again.”

His voice was hollow now. “Eventually they found the Tome that your friend stole. I was no longer needed for information, so they took me before the Triumvirate for sentencing. It was decided that I was not worthy of a physical death. Instead, they cast me out of the Qun, a fate worse than death in their eyes; and in mine. They may as _well_ have killed me.” He clenched his jaw for a moment, trying not to let the bitterness from that moment seep back in.

When he spoke again, he could no longer hide the sadness in his tone. “You asked me why I was here. I’m here because this is the only place I could go where somebody outside of the Qun would accept me. I’m here because _you_ are. It took me months. I had to steal to earn passage on a ship like a common thief without honor. Something changed once I was on the coast, though. I couldn’t bring myself to go to you. I couldn’t let myself be your burden. I realized that coming back here was a mistake, so I was going to do what they had denied me and take my own life. But then you were there, out of nowhere…”

His voice trailed off and he slowly let go of her arms. He felt completely drained and emptied of everything he had been holding in. He couldn’t even look at her now. He didn’t want to see the look of pity on her face. There was a reason he hadn’t told her. He didn’t want her to feel sorry for him. He thought he could be the proud Qunari he was before while in front of her, but that wasn’t him anymore. What would she think of him now? He didn’t wait to find out. He didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. Without a word, he turned and walked away just as quickly as he had come. He didn’t look back or stop until he was shut away in the quiet shelter of his room. How ironic that he now found safety and comfort in small, confined spaces.

 

* * *

 

 

Once Ash had walked away from her, more dejected than she had ever seen him, Hawke slowly fell to her knees and sat in a pool of her own tears. She had no idea how to process what he had confessed to her. How could she have passed judgment on him after he'd been through so many tormenting years of horror? She should have been able to see it or sense that something far more horrid than losing weight had happened to him. She was so caught up in her own shit, she had completely overlooked how much he was suffering inside. The signs were all there, but she had blocked herself from truly noticing.

Guilt stricken, Hawke cried for a long while. She felt terrible that she had allowed Aveline to get inside of her head. She took advantage of Ash's trust as if it were as easy as lifting a finger. Images of him grabbing her shoulders, the moment they shared in the alley, and him holding her hand played out over and over in her mind. Several hours may have passed while she sat there against the foot of her bed, but time seemed like a blur. After a while, she realized she was getting nowhere and was in desperate need of some fresh air. Hiding away in her bedroom was suffocating her.

The rogue left her home as quickly and quietly as she could so Ash wouldn't hear her leave. She only needed a moment to clear her head and try to comprehend everything that happened that day. What had gotten into her? One moment she was certain she made the right choice with Ash, the next she was dead set on believing Aveline. Thinking back on it now only made her feel fickle.

She felt even worse about pushing him to the point of telling her things he so obviously wanted to keep inside. The look of pain on his face as he recollected all that had happened to him broke her heart. He told her flat out that he came back for her, and she had done nothing to prove his faith in her was justified. Out of all the places in the known world, he chose to return to a city he hated just to see her again. That knowledge was humbling.

The guilt made her ill, but eventually the crisp sea breeze outside put her more at ease. The scent of the sweet and salty air took her back to the moment she kept Ash from ending his life. Knowing what she did now, she actually found comfort in the memory. He returned right when they needed each other most. She had been ready to give up her fight against the grief of losing Anders, and he was trying to put himself back together in a world he didn’t know how to live in.  It was as if the Maker had handed them both a life line. Who better to fill her emptiness than someone who was just as broken down by life as herself? He gave her reason to push through her struggles, and it appeared that she did the same for him.

Hawke walked the block several times, battling with the decision to go back inside and face her demons. It only took a few more passes to work up the courage to return to her doorstep. When she went inside her home was so quiet she wondered if Ash was still there. She was too afraid to go check so she went upstairs to her room, ignoring her broken door. Once inside, she got out of her clothes and threw herself into bed. She wasn’t ready to face him just yet and she had too much on her mind to sleep, so she laid there tossing and turning in the dark. When had the sun set? She hadn’t even noticed.

She felt like such a coward. How were they going to fare in the journey ahead of them if she couldn't even handle a few days in Ash’s company? That was, if he still wanted to come with her after the way she treated him. She hoped he would. She was unable to ignore the loud feelings she had built up for him and wanted a chance to prove she was worth his trust. She needed him.

Did he need her too? Did he care for her the way she did for him? After everything, she had to believe he did. He had taken an arrow for her for Maker’s sake, and that wasn’t even the first time he had risked his life since deciding to stay with her. He was more patient with her now than he had ever been before. There were even moments of affection between them, something she never saw coming. On top of all that, he provided methods of therapy to help her cope with all the loss she'd experienced. He was trying to help her deal with her issues and come to terms with the deaths she held herself accountable for, even though he was suffering himself. He was so much more than he had been as Arishok, and she never wanted to be without him in her life again. The thought of not having him as a support system was more frightening than having to facing her guilt.

She sat up suddenly and padded barefoot across the carpet. She didn't know what had possessed her to walk downstairs towards his room, but she couldn’t stop herself. She didn’t allow the anxiety coursing through her to dissuade her from going to him. She couldn’t even think about the possible consequences of what she was about to do. All she knew what that she had to see him. As she neared his door, her heart began to pound and her palms grew sweaty. She turned the knob and pushed it open to find Ash lying in bed with his back facing her.

Soundlessly, Hawke tiptoed across the room and stopped at the edge of his bed. He was completely unmoving and looked to be asleep. If she wasn’t so distraught, the image of him lying there would have made her smile. He was hunched into a ball, trying hard to fit onto a human sized bed. The harshness was gone from his face and he looked completely at peace. Just seeing him there made her feel safe and relieved to know she wasn't alone. A small tear of relief slipped out and made its way down her cheek. He hadn’t left.

Without thinking, she crawled slowly onto the bed then sat next to him with bated breath for a moment. He didn’t flinch, indicating that the movement didn’t wake him. He was probably exhausted from his own overflow of emotions. After several seconds of sitting in silence and experiencing the simple joy of being next to him, she carefully moved down to lean her head against his back to feel as close as she could. She pressed her cheek against his shoulder blade and breathed out a long sigh. To feel his presence just wasn't enough for her. She needed to touch him to know he was physically there. He was. The skin against her face was warm and comforting, easing some of her tension instantly. Hawke reached out a shaking hand and gripped his arm softly as a way of holding onto him. There was no force on this earth that could pry her from him now.

He woke several moments earlier, holding his breath and remaining perfectly still once he felt movement on the bed. He recognized her scent immediately, even with his mind addled from a sleep induced haze. Once he felt the softness of her face press to his back, he opened his eyes and stared straight ahead, not sure how to react to such a thing. After all that had happened earlier in the day, he never expected such an affectionate gesture. It was oddly calming and out of place after their last encounter. The angle of moonlight streaming through the tiny window near the ceiling indicated it was late into the night. Why was she here at this hour?

Once he could no longer stand that question going unanswered, he slowly sat up on his elbows, tensing when she gasped and sat upright. His gaze met hers and they remained frozen for several seconds. Her eyes showed signs that she had been crying and were filled with an emotion he couldn’t quite make out. Fear, perhaps? She looked as if she thought he would hit her, scream, or even throw her out for coming near him. That was probably what he would have done before tonight; before he allowed his walls to drop right in front of her. He would have made her leave to avoid her having to see him in his broken state. But, what else was there for her to see after today? There was nothing else he could hide from her.

He swallowed a thick buildup in his throat and allowed his eyes to move away from hers, realizing for the first time that she wasn’t wearing any clothes save for her undergarments. She seemed to have come to him on a whim, as if she couldn’t wait a second longer before she had. He took his eyes off of her uncovered state, not wanting her to get the wrong idea if she caught him staring. She remained silent and very still as he processed what was happening, most likely waiting for his reaction, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do.

He was only certain that he didn’t want her to leave. As he sat in this very room for hours in thought, he had been worried he wouldn’t see her again. He thought maybe he would wake up to a note telling him to leave, or even Aveline coming to take him away. He was happy it was Hawke in front of him now rather than that red haired monstrosity. Had he gotten through to her, then? Judging by the guilty and apologetic air about her, he was assuming he had. He wanted to say something, but feared anything that came out of his mouth would only scare her off. Instead, he simply shifted so he could lay down facing her and reached an arm out, wrapping it around her and pulling her small frame right up against his chest.

It felt odd to do something so intimate, but he didn’t consider it inappropriate considering she was sitting before him practically naked. At least this way, he could respectfully keep his eyes to himself. He would be lying if he said that was the only reason he took her against him, though. He wanted her there. After their fight, he wanted her close again, as she had been in the alleyway earlier that day. That was the moment they had felt most at peace with each other. By repeating the action, he wanted to get that back and forget the horrible things they said, but didn’t mean.

Something happened to Hawke when Ash pulled her to his body without warning. She melted into him instantaneously like she belonged there and held onto him as if she would float away should she let go. He wasn’t pushing her away or scolding her for what she had done. He simply accepted her; and that was when she truly realized just how important he was to her. She was never going to let anyone come between them again. Nothing was worth losing him when she had only just gotten him back. It was like he had returned from the dead just so they could have a second chance with their friendship. She had been selfish from the beginning. His past was haunting him just as much as hers. From this point on, she would be more mindful of that and try to treat him with the same respect and kindness he had been attempting to show her.

Feeling his arms around her was a stimulating experience; now that they were in the comforts of her home and away from the rest of the world. His heart was like thunder and she could feel it while resting her head against him. She needed to do or say something to show him just how much he meant to her and how sorry she was. Her guilt was tearing her apart inside. She moved herself upwards so she could meet his gaze, just as his free hand slid down to rest against her lower back. If she wasn't so distressed, that sensation would've driven her wild with desire. The pull he had on her was becoming much too powerful, no matter how much she tried to resist it. How was fighting it physically possible when he was staring at her like that?

She couldn’t stop her hands from moving upwards to caress the sides of his face as she took in all of his features; his chiseled jaw, the tightness of his neck muscles, the prominence of his clavicles. He was beautiful. All those paled in comparison to his eyes, however. There was a calm storm in them and it hypnotized her. Tears were streaming across her face as the intensity of her emotions exuded from her. She felt utterly connected to him and she wanted to scold herself for it. She didn't deserve this feeling.

"I'm sorry." Hawke could barely speak the words as they came out like gravel. She gripped at his neck behind his jaw in fear of him completely disappearing from her life. Nothing has scared her more in this moment. "I'm so sorry."

He stared at her eyes, the muscles is his face twitching beneath her touch. He fed off of her emotions, allowing them to fill him fully for the first time without blocking them out. The pain he felt was enough to choke him. There was no doubt in his mind that she truly meant her apology. She knew she had let her past grief consume and control her and she was remorseful for it. That was all it took for him to forgive her instantly. She only hoped she could do the same for him. His words had been just as hurtful as her own.

“Dry your eyes,” he whispered, pulling her even closer until they were tangled up in one another. He was venturing into dangerous waters by having her so close, but he didn’t care tonight. The boundaries of their friendship had already been pressed to the limits. There was no use pretending he didn’t have her right where he needed her to be for the time being. “It is forgotten.”

He didn’t want to dwell on it. Focusing on the bad was what had caused their fight in the first place and he definitely did not want to do that again. He was done with such behaviors, at least when it came to her. He couldn’t promise he wouldn’t act out harshly often or lose his temper more times than was necessary, but he wasn’t going to let every negative moment affect him so deeply any longer. What had that earned them? They nearly gave up the last thing in each other lives that meant anything. It disturbed him that he cared so much about her, but he was trying to be at peace with his own desires. Up until this point in his life, doing what pleased _him_ was never a realistic goal. Now that it was, he simply had to get used to the idea that he was free to do so.

What pleased him now, was having a stubborn little human woman wrapped around him and clinging to his arm. She was so upset she was close to shaking, and he wanted to show her she needn’t be any longer. He moved one of his hands up and down her back as softly as he could in an attempt to sooth the anxiety flowing from her. If she was staying here with him tonight, he wanted her to fall asleep knowing that all was well between them. They deserved a decent rest after all they endured this day. Anything ugly that passed between them needed to be left in this room tonight, for tomorrow they would begin anew as they left Kirkwall together.

He pushed his face into her hair, letting it tickle his skin as he breathed out a long sigh. His hands moved along her body as if he owned her, but remained chaste in nature. A touch did not have to be sexual to provide release. He felt her relax with each caress and melt further and further against him. When he spoke his voice was soft and nearly inaudible, as if he were whispering a secret to her. “I’m not Anders, Hawke. I won’t use you. I let my ideals hurt you in the past, but I will never betray you again. You’re…all I have left.”

She nearly released a small sob at his words. She knew in her heart that he meant every last one of them. Intimate, soothing sentiment was not something that came easy for him, so when he expressed such endearments they were special and genuine. She gripped his arm tighter and buried her face against him; his big bulky arm giving her a sense of security for the first time in years. He was right. He was nothing like Anders and she needed to stop treating him as if he were. Ash was giving her so much more of himself than she expected, and it felt snug and comfortable. With his hands moving along her and the steady drum of his heart coaxing her towards sleep, her mind became clear of all the cobwebs that had previously clouded her judgment. Everything in this moment made her feel free from her transgressions; as if she had been atoned.

His rhythmic stroking was one of the greatest sensations she had experienced in her entire life. She wanted to remain in his embrace forever and lay awake for as long as possible simply so she would not miss a single second of it. That was not to be, though. Her eyelids were so heavy she could no longer keep them awake and her breathing was becoming steadier by the second. It didn't take much longer until she was completely sedated and relaxed in his arms, unable to fight the state he had lulled her into any longer. She fell asleep with the confidence that Ash would be there when she woke up.

It was the best night’s sleep she'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for sticking around! We both agreed that this is our favorite chapter yet! If you didn't feel things during this one, then you need Andraste.
> 
> As always, here is a lovely artwork inspired by a scene in the chapter. Isn't it gorgeous? *dreamy sigh*  
> Round of applause for TheChampion04 for working hard to give us beautiful art with each new post. 
> 
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	6. The Mighty Have Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Behind these eyes there is a girl trapped within her pain, a girl feeling all the emotions of anger and sadness. She’s fighting for a way out.” ― Chimnese Davids, Muses of Wandering Passions

 Ash stepped off the ship close behind Hawke, his gaze darting around at the new environment. Stepping onto land after weeks of sailing the Waking Sea was a relief. If he never saw a ship again, he would be perfectly fine with that. This one wasn’t nearly as bad as the one he had taken to Kirkwall, however. It was smaller, more lightweight, and built with the sole purpose of speed. The rats weren’t nearly as plentiful, they actually had bunks to sleep in, and he was grateful their quarters hadn’t smelled of piss and death. There was a vast contrast between enduring months cramped into a ship known for transporting slaves and black-market merchandise, and traveling in style with a wealthy Viscount.

The stability of the docks beneath his feet felt odd as they slowly moved out across them while taking in the sights of Denerim. The city was huge and crammed with so many people it made Ash uncomfortable. After being in seclusion for so long, any crowd set his nerves into a frenzy and made him feel slightly panicked. Kirkwall was a large city in itself, but it was nowhere near as populated. He swallowed a thick lump and moved closer to Hawke, not wanting to lose her in the mass of people they were about to enter upon. How did so many individuals move without bumping into one another?

He stopped short when a pair of dock workers rudely stepped in front of them without warning, carrying a large crate. An exasperated sound left his throat and he was about to open his mouth to ask The Champion if they might take a less crowded route, when he was slammed into from behind without warning. A growl escaped his lips and he turned slightly to see Alistair looking up at him and rubbing his nose.

“Ow! Warn a guy next time!” the Warden complained, causing Ash to sigh and glower. “I knew a golem once who was softer than you. A lot more friendly, too.”

“A pity it didn’t step on you. Perhaps you shouldn’t walk while practically attached to my rear end,” he responded in irritation, absolutely fed up with the man. Being trapped on a boat with him for so long was almost worse than being tortured. He was sure somebody out there found his antics charming, but that person was not him. A moldy boot would have been better company.

“You know, the Qunari I used to travel with during the Blight pretended to hate me too, but he secretly loved me. You can’t fool me.”

“If by love you mean I want to throw you off of the docks and watch while the sharks feast upon your soft squishy flesh, then yes I love you Alistair.”

“You wound me, Sir. But we’re going to have to postpone the flirting until later. Right now, I need to get us out of sight. Follow me, I’ll take you to that place I told you about,” Alistair quipped before pulling his hood up further and setting off towards a side street.

Hawke sighed and rolled her eyes. Weeks of listening to those two bicker had become more than an annoyance. She could swear a dent had formed on her forehead from slamming the heel of her palm against it several thousand times. Maker preserve her and Andraste bless her for the level of patience she had with those buffoons. Ignoring them at this point was nearly impossible, but she continued to move forward and kept quiet while she dealt with the other thoughts racing through her brain; particularly of the Qunari variety.

Ash grumbled and watched Alistair go with a shake of the head before glancing down at Hawke and following after her. This was the nearest he had been to her since they left Kirkwall. She was close enough to be brushing up against him and it made him nervous. After their odd night of sleeping in each other’s arms like lovers, he had taken several precautions to avoid any sort of physical contact with her. He slept a safe distance away every night, made sure his hands were kept to himself at all times, and avoided direct eye contact as much as possible. It wasn’t as if he were being unfriendly or cold in any way. He still treated her with respect and made sure to watch over her protectively, but as far as displays of affection went; there were none.

He found his detachment necessary to prevent any further moments of intimacy from happening. What they shared that evening wasn’t something he could allow himself to get involved with. He wasn’t stupid; he knew full well what happened when a man and a woman started sharing a bed. They had never gone down that road before, and for good reason. The very idea of them being anything more than friends was preposterous. The friendship they shared in itself was a stretch for two people as different as they were.

He frowned slightly and moved his eyes to the Warden slinking about ahead of him. The man was a fool if he thought he was being inconspicuous; Ash would have picked him out the crowd in a heartbeat if he were hunting him. He shook his head and nearly rolled his eyes. He couldn’t stand him, but he was grateful Alistair was there, as odd as that sounded. He may be the most bothersome individual in Thedas, but his presence had prevented him and Hawke from having moments alone. Ash wasn’t sure he could have stayed as strict about not making any sort of contact with her had he not been there with them as a third wheel.

Hawke was growing tired of the passing glances from Ash. His behavior towards her had become very distant since they had fallen asleep in each other's arms. Trying to forget that ever happened was not something she could nor wanted to do, but Ash seemed determined to put her at arm’s length. His behavior confused her to no end. He seemed very much connected with her as they slept beside one another, but the morning after couldn't have been more awkward. He remained next to her until the moment he knew she was awake then got out of bed and ordered her to prepare for the journey without so much as a word about what had happened. She hadn’t even had time to blink before he was out the door and out of ear shot. 

Traveling together by boat for weeks surely hadn’t brought them any closer or lessened the tension between them. In fact, it had only made him more standoffish. After the affectionate rapport they established, she was so sure she would be allowed a few moments to snuggle up when nobody was looking. The thought of being against his warmth again was invading every part of her; driving her nearly insane. The feeling was her newest addiction, it seemed. However, Ash did not pick up on any of her signs or he had simply ignored them on purpose. His aloofness had angered her the first several days, but it did give her time to think about how she felt a bit further.

The last time they were alone, he told her she was all he had left and that he would never betray her. The promise ran through her mind constantly, but it seemed he was only interested in pretending none of it happened. Did that mean he regretted saying such things? Or that he was simply too uncomfortable with their connection to deal with it? Despite her confusion, she did understand how emotional stress could make one say things without thinking.

Hawke supposed it was too much to ask that he be open to discussing their emotional interlude. It was very out of character for the former Arishok and that couldn’t be easy for him to process. The way he touched her was completely foreign, but also very exhilarating. There was no doubt in her mind he had felt something then, even if he were doing a good job of denying it now. Was it infatuation? Merely friendly affection? Did he even know the difference? Did he do it just to humor her and calm her down?

She had zero answers, and he wasn’t giving them. All Hawke knew now was that she couldn't stop thinking about it or him. She still couldn't believe she had gone to him practically naked that night. What did he think of her after such boldness? Did he like what he had seen? It was hard to determine, considering he was now avoiding her like a plague. Once she had gotten the hint, she was very short with him and chose her words carefully whenever they spoke. If he wanted nothing more to do with her, then there wasn’t a thing she could do about it at the moment. She didn’t have the time to figure things out with Ash; not when her sister's life was on the line.

Now that he was practically up against her, she could feel his nerves seizing. He made it seem as if being this close to her was an assault to his senses. She felt more than a little insulted, but she hid it from him and kept her face neutral. The urge to look him dead in the eyes and tell him to get over it was strong, but she kept her mouth shut. How could she say that to him when she was not over it at all? All she wanted to do was touch him; any part of him would suffice. Maker preserve her indeed.

They twisted their way through so many streets, Ash found himself incredibly lost after a time. Denerim was a confusing city and didn’t seem to have much structure. The buildings were splayed about randomly and shoved in anywhere they could fit. After a time, they began to look more rundown and shabby. They were entering a poor part of the city and that put him on edge. This was the sort of place the nasty types liked to frequent. On the plus side however, the further into the backstreets they got, the less people there were. He was nearly at his wits end with being bumped into and getting brushed against from all sides.

“When I came here with the Hero of Ferelden we discovered several well hidden lairs in the creepiest parts of town,” Alistair told them quietly once they were out of ear shot from potential onlookers, pulling Ash from his thoughts. The wardens’ voice took on a gloomy tone as he continued. “Lady Cousland was a force to be reckoned with. I wish you could have met her. She was amazing. She didn’t even need our help to clear all of the scum out their hiding holes and shut down several shady operations. I think she just humored us to make us feel important,” he reminisced before laughing sadly then clearing his throat. “Fortunately for us, one of those secret hideaways still remains unoccupied to this day. My friend Zevran uses it for shelter whenever he comes through here. He’s an expert on laying low, so I’m certain we will be able to stay there completely undetected while we are here.”

Ash shot a glance at the human man, noting the serious tone he used for the first time since he met him. He was almost somber now that he was speaking of his past. He knew little of that past, except what he had heard in stories and what Alistair himself told them while they sailed.

His Warden companion had died defeating the Arch Demon; an act that definitely made her Basalit-an and worthy of respect. Dying for your cause was the noblest sacrifice one could perform. Alistair spoke of it briefly one night in the sleeping quarters of the ship after a few too many drinks. Ash could tell her death and what they had endured pained him a great deal. He carried the same air about him as Hawke had when she spoke of Anders. It seemed they were all dealing with the horrors of their past. What a sorry lot they were.

"Ah yes, Zevran. I know him,” Hawke chimed in, a light smirk on her lips. “He passed through Kirkwall while running from the Crows. After I helped him escape he tried to sleep with me. Asked me right in front of...." She coughed lightly and lifted her brow. "Well, let's just say Anders wasn't too thrilled about the idea of him taking me to the side to ravage me," she finished sarcastically.

That distant memory of that suave Antivan elf made her laugh and she couldn't help but feel flattered all over again. Zevran had been quite bold with his advances. The thought made her blush as the passageway through the alley began to narrow and grow dark. The last time she had squeezed through a space this small was when she was lodged up against Ash in the undercity.

Thinking of that moment was not helping her forget the feelings she was having at all. She needed to get over it, and fast, if she had any hopes of focusing on finding Bethany. Ash clearly wanted no part of her and she needed to accept that and move on. What in Thedas was she even thinking? As if them getting together made any sense. Society would never accept it, and she would catch criticism until it killed her. Was that thought slightly over dramatic? She supposed not, but any sort of hopes for a relationship with the former Arishok was simply wishful thinking.

Alistair laughed after she shared her run in with the Elven assassin, not seeming at all surprised by it, but founding humor in it instead. "Wait, you didn't…did you?"

"Do what?"

"Do Zevran?"

Hawke burst out laughing. "Certainly not!" Then, a thought struck her. What would Ash think upon hearing that she had swooned over another man’s charms? Would he be jealous? She would test that a bit and see what happened. She cleared her throat before quickly adding to her statement. "But I have to admit it was very flattering. He had such a way with words. Made me feel as if I were the most alluring woman in Thedas. I get the feeling he’s sweet talked his way into the hearts, or beds, of many a lady that way."

"I’m sure being a lady isn’t a requirement,’ Alistair laughed out in response. “That does sound like him.”

Hawke looked over her shoulder to see if there was any indication that Ash had reacted to her confession, but he appeared as stoic as ever. A frown fell on her face and she sulked the rest of the way to the hideout. Why it was bothering her so much; she had no idea. _Damn Qunari_.

Ash was anything _but_ stoic on the inside. By the time they reached a dead end of an alleyway, he was absolutely livid from the thoughts racing through his brain. The fact that he was insanely jealous of whoever this Zevran character was didn’t even bother him the most. What really upset him was knowing he was so affected by Hawke and whatever had happened between them, he was in a position to be jealous in the first place. Why did she have to affect him so greatly? Whatever, or whomever, she did in the past was none of his concern, yet he felt an incredible urge to punch a hole through the nearest wall at the very thought of an unworthy man taking her to bed.

Especially Anders. He had thought a great deal on her relationship with the mage while on the ship. There wasn’t much else to do _but_ think while trapped in the middle of sea in a wooden box. Her old lover wasn’t good enough for Hawke in any way. It made him angry to know she still mourned that sad excuse of a mate to this day. He was incredibly selfish and took advantage of her nature to deceive her into helping start a war.

Ash himself had attacked the same city as he, but he had enough respect for Hawke to stop when he looked down at her and realized fully what he was doing. He stopped for her; why couldn’t Anders have done the same? He glared at nothing and released a slow, frustrated breath. Because the fool hadn’t really loved her. She deserved so much more.

Not that he could give that to her. He pulled away after one or two embraces. He couldn’t deny something deeper than friendship had passed between them, but he was potentially an even worse fit for her than the mage had been. Being more than friends would only cause her stress, and he cared enough about her not to subject her to that.

He didn’t even know what being more than friends meant. The sexual parts were easy enough to comprehend, but when it came to the emotional aspect he was lost at sea. The lie that was the Qun taught him never to give into emotions or allow himself to think he could have anything more than what he was assigned to. Hawke didn’t need to involve herself with a man who had never done anything with a woman beyond fulfilling his sexual needs.

He sighed and forced himself to push thoughts of her from his mind. He was supposed to be concentrating on what they were doing. Which….was currently standing in front of a wall. He narrowed his eyes and shot a glance to Alistair, who was just standing there looking at them smugly.

“What are we doing? This is a dead end,” he asked, ten seconds away from strangling the life out of the man.

“Ah, but that’s what you’re _supposed_ to think,” Alistair quipped, his smile broadening. It was obvious he had been waiting for one of them to ask so he could put on a show. He quickly turned and began running his hands along the blank stone, causing Hawke and Ash to share a glance.

After a few moments of him feeling the wall as if it were his lover, there was a clicking sound followed by a puff of dust. Ash tensed and stared while a portion of the wall slid away, revealing a dark room on the other side. It was rather impressive, he had to admit. One wouldn’t give this worn down cluttered alleyway a second glance while in passing. It was the perfect place to hide a lair.

“After you my lady,” Alistair told Hawke sardonically while giving a slight bow, feeling rather impressed with himself. He was promptly bumped to the side by Ash, who moved inside ahead of them just in case the area wasn’t as uninhabited as the Warden thought. He wasn’t about to let Hawke go in first if there were suspect characters inside who could hurt her.

“UMPH! Yeesh, you’re definitely no lady; not with those manners,” Alistair shot at him before grumbling and moving inside with Hawke after the Qunari.

Once the trick door slid shut behind them the room was very dark, but it didn’t take them long to find a lantern and light it, showering the space in a soft warm glow. It was dusty and smelled of must, but it was far more impressive than what had been expected. Well-made furniture filled the area they stood in and while glancing around, Ash could make out a kitchen and two separate hallways leading further into the darkness. He thought they would be entering a hole with shoddy conditions at best. This was more like a home, small but cozy. Zevran obviously liked to live in comfort and had a taste for finer things. Not that Ash was complaining. He had spent enough time laying on the floor in cramped dark spaces.

Hawke wasn't paying much attention to either of her fellow companions as she gave her muscles a good long stretch while attempting to get more comfortable with her surroundings. The atmosphere she was in now was far better than she had anticipated. She found Zevran's safe house rather quaint considering its purpose and did her best to decompress after the long boat ride. She never much cared for sailing the open seas and was unsure how anyone found it thrilling. Just thinking about stepping foot back onto a ship made her skin crawl.

The three of them gave the place a brief walk through. Alistair settled into one room while Hawke and Ash continued down the corridor. Once they reached the end, Hawke discovered that there was just one other bedroom left; with only one bed. This immediately jump started her heart, making her swallow her nerves. The possibility of Ash and Alistair becoming bunk mates was highly unlikely. That only left one person. Hawke cursed herself for being as nervous and wishful as she was in that moment.

She felt Ash move into the room only a second’s pace behind her then stop short. The energy he immediately exuded was incredibly tense so she assumed he had come to the same conclusion. To his credit, he cleared his throat and made an effort not to be so transparent, quickly shooting her a slight smile. It wasn’t much, but it was a relief knowing he wasn’t running in horror.

She glanced up at him timidly and tried not to blush as they stepped further into the tiny room together. He placed his bag down on the ground at the foot of the bed, so she took that as a sign he was staying. Her heart nearly bounced up into her throat. This was the first time since they had left Kirkwall that he showed signs of wanting to be around her.  If they were going to sleep in the same room, did that mean they would be sharing the same bed as well?

The fact that he wasn’t saying anything and was still keeping his distance didn't offer her much confidence, but his apparent effort to be less cordial was enough to keep hope alive. She habitually ran a nervous hand through her hair, wanting so badly to speak to him, but she couldn't manage to find the right words. Until this point, she felt Ash had been completely dismissing her, but his current actions were reading the opposite. Maybe the boat had been the issue, for he seemed far more relaxed now that they were no longer trapped on it.

"You’re sharing the room with me then? Or you could bunk with Alistair if that would make you more comfortable,” she blurted out suddenly, some courage managing to formulate in her voice. Her choice in words was an attempt not to be too obvious in her desire to have him there with her. The very idea of them sharing a bed together again was now giving her butterflies. She'd be lying if she said she didn't long for the feeling of his massive, strong arms wrapping around her again. Not knowing if he felt the same was vexing, but she tried her best not to push it.

He looked to her but remained silent for some time, his face thoughtful as he searched for the right words to say. There was no way he was going to stay with Alistair longer than necessary. It was for his own wellbeing as much as it was for Alistair’s. If he had to bunk with him, Ash wasn’t sure he wouldn’t smother him with a pillow while he slept. He also wanted very much to stay with Hawke, but imagining sharing a bed with her again only brought all his concerns back to the front of his mind.

He swallowed and roamed his eyes over her, cursing inwardly at the way she was biting her lip and looking at him hopefully. It was easy to tell himself he didn’t want or need her presence while they were in the company of others, but a whole lot harder to feel that way when they were alone in a dark cramped room with a bed only a few steps away. If he were smart and true to his convictions, he would pick his bag up right now and go find a spot on the floor at the opposite side of the building to rest. He wasn’t even sure why he had set it down in here in the first place.

He cleared his throat and looked away from her, unsure what to do. The tone in his voice portrayed that lack of confidence once he finally answered her question. “I—don’t want to stay with Alistair, no.”

It wasn’t exactly a concrete answer, but it was the best he could do at the moment. He was at war with himself over her. One moment he was absolutely sure staying away from her was the right thing to do; the next he was gravitating towards her as if she were pulling him to her with an invisible chain. Much like right now. He wasn’t sure when he had stepped so close to her, but now that he had, his mind was exploding with questions. Why couldn’t he bring himself to step away? Why was he letting her get to him? Why was she looking at him that way? This woman was driving him mad.

_Maker's breath, he's so close now._

He was staying with her. The relief Hawke felt made her giddy and she had to stop herself from bouncing around the room like a damn fool. Not that she could have moved if she wanted to. He practically had her plastered to the wall. As he hovered over her, she couldn’t help but wonder how inappropriate it would be to just leap up and grab him. From what she could gather from his expression, he was definitely at odds with his feelings for her. She wished that she could read his mind so she wouldn’t have to keep driving herself crazy wondering what he wanted.

She swallowed hard and stared up at his eyes, her stomach doing flip flops. There was still an ounce of doubt in her heart that kept her from acting on her basic instincts. There was a slight possibility that this was simply him being desperate to avoid sleeping in a room with Alistair; her being the only alternative. If that were the case, acting now would only put an even bigger strain on their already tense relationship.

Even so, it was proving a challenge to keep herself from behaving like a bashful maiden as he looked down at her. His gaze bore into her core and she felt naked before him. How much could he read? Could he sense her feelings? She struggled with them greatly and couldn't help but battle those lingering thoughts of Anders.

She wanted to scold herself out loud, but swallowed the words at the risk of looking like a crazy person. How much longer was she going to have to live through that hellish day? Anders was no longer in her life and she needed to move on. All she wanted was to feel like her old self again, take risks, and feel the excitement of experimenting. She had always been spontaneous and open to trying new things, but now she was actually terrified of acting on what she was feeling. She knew most of her hesitation came from the lack of knowing where he stood, but there was nothing she could do about that until he took the initiative to share that information himself. For now, she had to resort to guessing games.

How long where they standing there staring at each other? She wanted to reach out to him so badly it hurt. What would he do if she did? Would he recoil? She wasn’t sure if she could take it if he shunned her once more. The fear of it caused her to remain frozen with her gaze locked on his. All she could do was wait for him to do something with her heart pounding out of her chest. Anything would be preferable to him just standing there watching her unravel before his eyes.

His internal voice was screaming at him to walk away. His body wasn’t listening. He was sure his inability to control his own actions around her made him weak, but he was finding it harder to care about that as the days passed. Who was there now to care if he were weak, or the shining image of self-discipline? The only people in his life were Hawke and Alistair. He couldn’t give a damn what the Warden thought, and Hawke was in the same position as he. Based on her body language, he doubted she would mind if he were to give in to the urges he was fighting.

He sighed. He would most likely go back to telling himself over and over why he should avoid her in the near future, but in this moment evading her was the last thing he wanted to do. Alistair was elsewhere, but wouldn’t be for long, so they only had a few precious minutes to themselves. It was ironic that mere minutes ago he was grateful for the man’s presence to keep him on his best behavior, and now he wanted him to go away and not return for the rest of the day so he could have Hawke all to himself. No wonder the Qun stripped its followers of all personal choice. Being so indecisive and uncertain was a headache.

So much time had passed now Hawke was probably getting ready to scream at him to do something besides imitate a wall. He could see the tension in her shoulders and the thoughts racing in her eyes. It was time for him to stop sending mixed signals and leave the room or….or what? What else could he do what wouldn’t warrant a barrage of questions later on? It was easy to get caught up in the moment, but much more difficult to deal with the consequences once it had passed. He furrowed his brow and searched her eyes as if he would somehow find answers there. The line between right and wrong was slowly beginning to blur the longer he was in her presence.

He supposed he could simply present his feelings to her verbally and ask her what her thoughts were on them. Given that some of those feelings were rather primal in nature he knew she would be flustered, but honest with her response. That would clear up a lot of the questions in the air and put it out in the open, but he wasn’t sure if he would like her answer. He couldn’t be sure since he wasn’t in the habit of talking about feelings, but he assumed that doing so could potentially cause more problems for them. It would also mean he would be required to speak, which he was finding it hard to do with her eyes drawing him in like they were. Had they always been so blue? Or did they become more vibrant when she was experiencing certain emotions?

He cleared his throat and forgot for a moment that he wasn’t supposed to make contact with her as his fingers lifted and took hold of her chin. She jolted slightly from his touch as her lids widened and her eyes searched his wildly. He could visibly see her throat extend while she swallowed hard and her whole body tighten slightly. Her reaction made a prickle run across the back of his neck and he cursed himself for it. Why now? Why, after all these years, were they having this sort of affect on one another? Why not before? Were they simply using each other for solace? He didn’t know. He also didn’t know why he was now leaning his face down towards hers.

Hawke stared, completely breathless with her heart thudding in her chest. Was this really happening? This was completely unexpected. Hawke felt locked into his orbit. Wasn't he supposed to be ignoring her and avoiding her at all costs? Maybe she was dreaming. Her mind must have been playing tricks on her while she was stuck in her own delusion, but Maker's breath it was real. Maybe if she closed her eyes she would wake up and she'd be in her room back in Kirkwall. No, she didn't want that. This is what she wanted; she wanted Ash to touch her, and his body language said he yearned to kiss her. She welcomed him to do whatever he wanted. Hawke couldn't even begin to understand why she desired him as much as she did now.

He slowly forgot what he was supposed to be warning himself against as her eyelids drooped and her lips parted just slightly. She knew what was coming before even he did. Once the reality of what he was doing hit him next, his stomach erupted with an odd fluttering that almost stopped him dead in his tracks. Was that supposed to happen? _No time to think on that now._

He released her chin and slid his hand around to the back of her head instead, pulling her face closer until she had to move up onto the very tips of her toes. She practically fell against his chest to keep herself from losing balance, and when they made contact he released a shaken breath. They were so close, she could feel it’s warmth against her mouth.

Hawke’s hands were suddenly grasping onto his waist as if he were a life preserver. The feeling of his tight muscles beneath her fingertips sent a shiver through her entire body. This was what she had longed for since she stepped foot off that Maker-forsaken boat. Maybe Ash had been harboring suppressed feelings for her. It would explain the distance he had made, but now he couldn’t stay away. The closer he got, the more she felt as if she would lose consciousness.

Just another inch and his lips would be on hers. He hesitated, reality stepping in briefly to wreck the high he was experiencing. If he did this it would change everything. They wouldn’t be mere friends anymore. If he didn’t do this, he was going to have to punch several people in the face just to vent his frustrations. Or, get punched himself by an angry human woman. He moved his eyes down to her mouth and it was practically inviting him in. Kissing her right now could ruin everything, but he was just going to have to take the risk.

“Hey guys I found a bath tub!”

Ash snapped his head back just in time to watch Alistair come into the doorway wearing the stupidest grin he had ever seen. Hawke jerked away from him in surprise and he gradually lowered his hand away from her, a slow glare forming on his face as the buffoon continued talking like he hadn’t just interrupted their intimate moment.

“Man, it is going to feel _great_ to get cleaned up. I figured Hawke should take one before we do, because ladies first right? Then afterwards I could show you around Denerim if you want. I’ve had some good times here. Ha! This one time Zev and I—….”

His mouth slowly shut and finally, just when Ash thought he would never shut up, his eyes darted between them and his face turned red. The two of them just stood frozen, staring at him, and he slowly backed up a step while rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Oh…I—um…I’ll just,” he stuttered before looking back down the hallway as if he had just spotted something immensely interesting. “Oh look at that! I’ll just be over here!” With that, he was scrambling out of the room, leaving them to feel awkward and embarrassed.

_Maker damn that Warden for all eternity! Damn all the Wardens!_ Alistair nearly startled the piss out of her, causing her to back away in an instant. If he had never come back here, she would be plastered to Ash’s lips. Now that they had been so annoyingly cut off, that was unlikely to happen. He currently seemed miles away. Hawke quickly turned away from him while Alistair backed out of the room; avoiding any eye contact with any of them.

Ash had nearly kissed her! The gravity of what that meant hit her hard and she quickly darted her eyes around to look for the nearest window to jump out of. She needed to get out of here before her face burned off from embarrassment. What was she so afraid of? Did she not just convince herself that she was ready for such things? She had been pining for him for weeks, wishing they would do something like this, but now that they almost had she wasn’t able to handle it. Had she gone completely mental? Hawke was grasping her hair from both sides and hoping that she could get away with pretending this didn’t just happen; not that she knew how to do such a thing. She felt like such a coward.

"Speaking of baths…that reminds me I uh...could really use one. Then afterwards I have to go into town and see if Varric has sent me anything. I shouldn't take long!" Before Ash could stop her and still without any eye contact she added, "Make yourself comfortable however you wish and I'll be back shortly.”

Seconds later she was out the room, not even waiting for a response.

 

* * *

 

 

It was hard to convince Ash she was going to be fine on her own while she took care of her errands, but even harder to admit it would have been better if she hadn't gone at all. If anyone she knew were to see Hawke now, they wouldn't even recognize her. That's how dead The Champion looked walking down the streets of Denerim. Her head was hunched over and her hair covering most of her face. It was as if she were the undead; staggering slowly forward carrying nothing but a bag in one hand, and an open letter in the other.

To her it seemed pointless to be going anywhere. What was the point? Hawke was beginning to think she was less of a Champion and more of a demon of destruction; ruining everyone and everything in her path. Her struggles over her feelings for her Qunari companion now seemed inane by comparison. How could she even face him now? Hawke felt completely useless and was ready to give up. Some natural instinct in her brain lead her back towards the hideout, taking her there after she had wandered aimlessly for some time. There was nothing else she knew how to do other than to stare blankly at the ground.

All seemed hopeless at this point, but she managed to miraculously reach her destination. Her hand touched the door knob, but it felt like a lifetime before she found the function to turn it. Most of her nerves were shot and she couldn't feel much of anything; just numbness from the head down. She finally let herself inside, not saying a word. Dead silence was all she could manage.

She felt and heard the presence of Ash and Alistair in the room; both of them arguing back and forth about something useless. Normally she would make an attempt to stop them, but much of what they were saying sounded like muffled rantings; like she was being submerged under water. She wasn't even sure if they noticed her walking in. Hawke dropped her wares and just stood there with no power to move any longer. It was as if she were nailed to the ground, unsure of what to say or do. Hawke began to wonder if she truly were dead.

When Ash heard the soft thump of Hawke’s belongings hitting the floor, he instantly stopped arguing and moved his gaze to her. The sight he took in caused him to freeze and stare for several seconds. Alistair followed suit and slowly rose from his spot by the fireplace while eyeing her with concern, their squabble forgotten. She looked as if she had seen a demon, no make that twenty. She was so pale he wondered if she were sick. What had happened?

His throat instantly tightened at the despair he felt radiating off of her and he cursed himself for not going with her. He should have insisted instead of letting her talk him out of it. Something was gravely wrong. She had been gone far too long and he had been mere minutes away from leaving and scouring the city in search of her. The Warden insisted she could take care of herself and told him not to worry, but it seemed Ash was correct in doing so. Something had just felt wrong to him and he was kicking himself now for not acting on his instincts.

He moved forward a few steps, reaching his hand out to her slightly then pulling it back after a moment’s hesitation. Based on her demeanor, he wasn’t sure what would happen if he were to touch her right now. She looked completely devoid of emotion, but he could sense something dangerous lying dormant inside of her. “Hawke…?”

Her fists tightened until they were white knuckled. Anger and helplessness crept into her blood and made it boil. Reading that letter from Varric had filled her with a hodgepodge of overwhelming emotions that were slowly removing any sort of handle she had on herself. The calm was dissipating and a storm was now brewing. She knew once her wrath struck, there was going to be no stopping it. She would destroy everything in her wake.

Out of nowhere Hawke shifted, grabbing the nearest object she could reach. Her hands were on a large wooden shelving unit by the door before she could stop herself. In a fit of rage, she jerked on it violently and sent it crashing to the floor, not giving a damn if anyone stood in its way.  Books and items flew in every direction as she screamed her lungs out as if she were a dragon breathing fire. There were no answers she could give to explain what was currently in motion, and all she wanted to do was let the chaos ensue upon the world. Every tendon and nerve rose in her muscles, her white skin now turning bright red.

The unexpected outburst caused both men to take a step back in surprise. As she went for another piece of furniture to demolish that as well, Alistair looked slightly concerned, but mostly terrified. He remained frozen in place, not knowing if interfering would mean his death or not. Ash was not so intimidated and chose to risk her turning her rage upon him. He knew exactly what was happening, for he knew the feeling of losing yourself in anger well.

Before she could go any further, he had a hold of her arm and was pulling her towards him, readying himself for whatever consequences the action would bring. He knew that if somebody took hold of him while he was going berserk he would rip their heads off. Lucky for him, Hawke was too small to do much damage to him should she react negatively to his man-handling.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she shouted at Ash as if she didn't even know who he was.

Hawke had completely lost control. She jerked back in his firm grip and tried to get away from him; pushing and pulling. The Rogue even landed a few swift and damaging hits against him, hoping to loosen his grip to get away, but it was of no use. Ash was not having her temper tantrum regardless of how much she wanted to lash out right now. It was clear he wanted her to calm down, but Hawke wasn't listening or responding to anything. All she saw was red and was quickly losing herself to her fury.

"LET ME GO!" she shouted again and again. Tears began to flood her eyes from all the pent up aggression and pain. She just could not handle any of this.

“Hawke STOP,” he commanded, doing his best to avoid her frenzied swings at his face. He had no idea what was causing such an outburst and his mind was racing with scenarios. Whatever was affecting her so deeply had nothing to do with their interchange earlier. He was not self-centered enough to believe a kiss that never happened could cause such emotion. So what else could possibly have caused this? It didn’t matter for the moment. The only important thing now was calming her down and bringing her back from wherever she had gone.

He grabbed her other arm to keep her from trying to hit him, forcing them to her sides. She fought him the entire time, but was no match for his brute strength. In the blink of an eye he had both of his arms locked around her so she was trapped against his chest and unable to move. If she wanted to throw a fit, she would just have to do it from the confines of his hug. “Hawke. Stop. I’m here. Talk to me.”

Alistair spoke up then, conveniently after the work was done. “Whatever it is, we can talk about it. Please calm down and stop screaming before people come to investigate.”

_Oh, NOW he decides to help_. Ash shot him a glare, but put aside his distaste for the man to focus on what really mattered. He did have a point. There was no use having a secret hideout if she was going to alert the entire city of Denerim to their presence. “Shhh. Tell me what happened so I can fix it.”

Ash's embrace finally made her calm enough to focus. The realization of her outburst sank in and she was now frightened, but not of him. She slowly stopped fighting to get away and clung to him tightly, close to hyperventilating from anxiety. She remembered his question; asking her how he could fix whatever it was that was bothering her. If only he _could_ fix it. If she was unable to deal with this in the first place, what hope did anyone else have? 

Hawke buried her head against his chest, finding what little comfort she could. His tone was genuine and she felt his hand rest against the top of her head. She let in a few deep breaths, knowing full well that she needed to focus. There were now so many issues to consider. She hadn't a clue how to answer him. There wasn't anything anyone could do.

"This…isn’t something you can fix." Her throat felt raw and she could barely speak. "Something _terrible_ has happened and it's all my fault. So many people are dead because of me!" Her voice hitched and filled with panic as she searched desperately to explain what she didn’t even understand.

Ash’s brow slowly furrowed and he looked down at her, more confused than ever. He knew what it was like for many to die at his order, but he would never in a hundred ages think Hawke capable of such a thing. She was very different from him when it came to the value of life. She did everything to protect it, not take it away. She had to be mistaken. If not, he knew whatever had happened was not her intention. “Everything has a solution Hawke. We can’t figure out what it is if you don’t tell us what is going on.”

He glanced to Alistair, who was still deathly still and staring between them with widened eyes. He felt vastly better about his abilities to deal with human emotion after watching the fool completely freeze up at the sight of it.  Maybe he wasn’t such a lost case at this whole comfort thing after all. That knowledge gave him the confidence to continue and he slowly lowered to the floor with her still in his arms. He was too large to fit comfortably in the chairs with her and there was no way he was letting go until he was certain she wasn’t going to fly off the handle again or do something stupid like hurt herself. He knew better than most that she had a tendency to punish herself for the pain she thought she brought on others.

Once he had her in a comfortable position against him, he breathed out a long sigh, ready to go out and slaughter whoever was the cause for her pain. Would it ever end? Would the world ever stop punching them in the guts and testing their sanity? Was there no good in store for them, or only wave after wave of misery and hardship?

Her head was nestled against the nape of his neck and she was draped completely across his lap. Being wrapped up his arms would have been incredibly soothing had she not been so devastated by the news she had received. She was so frazzled she couldn’t even bring herself to enjoy being pressed against him. After the moment they had earlier, one would think she would be thrilled to be back in his arms. Not even that could help at this point, unfortunately.

Ash gave her time to settle and waited patiently for her to regain her composure. His protective nature over her gave her some relief to all the madness bombarding her brain. After several minutes had passed, Hawke was able to think straight again and leaned back slightly in his arms. It wasn’t because she no longer wanted to be cradled by her Qunari, but because she finally remembered the letter and needed to find it. She didn’t want one of them picking it up and reading it. They should hear this from her.

She looked around the room and saw the mess she made, but was only focused on the piece of paper she had somehow lost while in hysterics. After a moment, her eyes settled on it crumpled on the floor by the entrance. She tried to get up to retrieve it, but Ash wouldn't allow her to, afraid she would turn loose and run. Hawke turned to her weary companion for only a second and gave him as much of a reassuring expression as she could.

He nodded and let her go.

Hawke got to her feet and moved towards it, the dread slowly returning as its contents came back to bite her. She hesitantly picked up and read it again, hoping that somehow the words would be different. Whilst doing so she ran a distressed hand through her hair. How could any of this letter be true? If it was, there was no way any of this would make sense to Ash or Alistair. She turned to them with weary eyes afraid of what the truth would earn her. She could very well lose everything in this moment. Her entire body was trembling.

“You’ve traveled with Bethany for many years, Alistair. Did she ever tell you of our father?” she asked first, her voice shaken and weak. She wasn’t sure how close her sister was to him, or if she would have entrusted him with such knowledge.

Alistair glanced between them for a moment before shrugging his shoulders slightly and hesitantly replying, “She…doesn’t really like speaking of him, or your mother. I don’t blame her really. I know he was a mage, like her.”

Hawke nodded somberly then looked down at her feet, barely able to continue with the tightness in her throat threatening to choke her. “I—I’ve done something awful and it involves him. And Beth. She told you he was a mage, but did she tell you he was a blood mage?”

He blinked then slowly shook his head after a moment, his expression questioning and filled with confusion. It mimicked the look on Ash’s face as well. She cringed and began pacing, crushing the paper in her hand while she searched for the right words to tell them what she had done. “Years ago, there was an attack on Bethany by a Dwarven carta. You were with her then, yes?”

Alistair took a breath and uncrossed his arms, perking up at the question. “Correct. She told me you took care of it. Wouldn’t speak further on it no matter how I pressed. What does that have to do with anything?”

She frowned. “It turns out it was just a ploy to get me to this old Grey Warden prison in the middle of nowhere near the Vimmark Mountains. Varric, the one who sent me the letter, was with me and when we got there we were attacked by carta members who seemed spellbound. They were out of their minds and rambling on about my father, my blood, and the master they were serving.” Hawke sighed and crossed the room, stepping past them and leaning her hands against the mantle of the fireplace to stare at the flames. “What we discovered there was larger than any of us knew at the time.”

Ash shared a glance with his fellow listener as she seemed to fade into her own thoughts. What concerned him most at this point was the fact that her father was involved with blood magic. He had come a long way in learning to accept things outside the Qun, but blood magic was stretching it. His people were so fearful of the abilities of the Saarebas they took drastic and what some would call cruel measures to ensure they didn’t corrupt or hurt anyone. If whatever Hawke had done involved magic of the blood, then he was certain it was something horrendous. No good ever came from such dealings.

They allowed her a moment of silence, but eventually the quiet in the room and their curiosity became too much and Alistair spoke up. “What did you find, Hawke?”

She glanced at them over her shoulder for a moment, her eyes filled with sorrow. “There was a tainted Warden there. Somehow he had survived The Calling. We thought he was crazy at first, but we were very wrong. It turned out he was trying to stop another group of Wardens from freeing a Darkspawn that had been imprisoned there for hundreds of years by the original Wardens. He wanted me to kill it instead.”

Alistair made a face and straightened, very interested in what she had to say now. “What? Why would any warden want to free a Darkspawn? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“That’s what we thought. It was all madness and hard to swallow,” she answered, shaking now from anxiety. “The reason they lured me there was because they needed my blood to unlock the seals binding it. My father was blackmailed into strengthening them several decades before using blood magic, and only one from his own bloodline could destroy them. Larius, the tainted Warden, helped me stop the others, but we still had to take care of the Darkspawn. It turns out he was somehow calling all those affected by the taint, including Wardens. He warped their thoughts, came to them in dreams, and called to them, deceiving them into releasing him so he could be free once again.”

Alistair, who was looking rather pale now, opened his mouth to speak, but Hawke cut him off, needing to get the rest of the story out before she was consumed completely by nerves. “I shouldn’t have done it, but I—I broke the seals so we could kill whatever was locked up. Larius convinced me it was for the best and at the time I agreed completely. Something that dangerous could not be allowed to live and continue corrupting the minds of Wardens.” She paused to swallow before turning to them both, begging them with her eyes not to hate her when they heard what she had to say next.

“It wasn’t a mere Darkspawn. It was a Blight ridden Tevinter magister named Corypheus from when the Imperium ruled. He…he was one of the old magisters that invaded the Black City and started the original Blight. Had I known, I would have never…” Her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes, her fists clenching as a twinge of anger returned. “We killed him. I swear we did. We stood over his mangled corpse and there was no signs of life. We tore him apart, but in this letter,” she revealed, holding the crumpled paper up, “Varric tells me that he isn’t dead. I don’t know how he still breathes, but he is the reason the conclave blew up. He is the cause of all of the loose demons and rifts forming all over Thedas. He’s determined to become a god and return to the Black City to sit in the throne of the Maker.”

Her voice was raising in pitch now and tears were stinging her eyes once more. “Don’t you see?! I’m the reason the Inquisition even had to from in the first place. I unleashed Corypheus upon the world and because of _me_ , thousands of people are dead! The Divine, Haven, the Temple of Sacred Ashes; all gone because of me. He’s more powerful than ever, and determined to destroy Thedas and bring it under his rule. Anyone that Corypheus kills; every person that he corrupts, is on me. Their blood is on my hands because I toyed with something I didn’t understand!”

Her voice finally broke and she put her back to them once more, unable to face them now. Tears spilled down her face and she didn’t know if they would ever stop. She had done horrible things in her life, but nothing compared to this. She was a curse upon the world.

The silence that stretched in the room was deafening. Nobody moved; nobody breathed while the two men processed all that they had been told. Alistair looked sick to his stomach and Ash sat there as still as a statue, unable to hide his distressed thoughts from showing on his face.

It was hard to believe all of the stories they had heard on the ship were real and had stemmed from a single act of Hawke’s. When he heard rifts were opening in the sky, demons were running rampant, and there was a villainous figure causing chaos, he figured most of them were just exaggerated tales. It appeared that was not the case. If what this Varric friend of hers said was true, then this Corypheus character was a threat to them all and needed to be stopped.

He wasn’t sure he believed in all of the Maker and Black City nonsense, but he knew for sure Darkspawn were real. One that old wasn’t good news, especially if he was indeed an old Tevinter magister. Should he succeed and actually become a god, given that were possible, he would most likely try to give mages free reign. He knew full well how vile the Vints could be with their scheming, lying, cheating, and blood magic using ways.

He turned his attention back to Hawke, who was obviously crying judging by the jerky rising and falling of her shoulders. She was much too hard on herself. If Corypheus really had been calling to tainted creatures, then it was only a matter of time before he found one who could release him. Hawke had only done what she thought was right by trying to destroy him before he could do harm.

He slowly stood and moved over to her, gripping her shoulders from behind. She tensed considerably and he rested his chin on top of her head, saying nothing for a few moments. This was just another thing to pile onto her list of problems. As long as he had known her that was all she did; deal with issue after issue, each seemingly bigger than before. There was a difference between now and all those times in the past, though. She didn’t have to do it alone anymore. She had him. He wasn’t going to leave her side until they fixed this.

That was exactly what they would do, wasn’t it? If he knew her at all, she would not rest until she finished the job she had started and Corypheus was cold in the ground. “This isn’t your fault. If not you, he would have found another way out. From what you say, he was luring people to him. Chances were, one of them would have succeeded. We will stop this. We can go to the Inquisition with this information and work with them to make sure he stays dead this time.”

His tone soothed her tension and she let out a sigh, only just realizing how long she had been holding her breath. Ash gave her shoulders a squeeze in an effort to reassure her. She had been so certain the two of them would scold her and tell her how obvious it should have been, but the ridicule never came. How was that possible, especially with Ash? He was once the Arishok, the master of making one feel an inch tall using mere words. So much of him had changed she could hardly recognize him now. Had she come to him years ago, he would have called her a Bas. He would have told her that regret or self-doubt had no purpose.

Hawke turned in his grasp to rest her head against his chest instead, her eyes bloodshot and puffy. "You say that as if it's that simple. Why aren't you yelling at me? What I've done is unforgivable. And Bethany...she's out there somewhere..." Hawke lifted her hand and looked at it as if it were a detestable thing. "Everything I do destroys people."

Ash snorted at her and kept his arms around her, not caring that they had prying eyes in the room. “And what I do does not? I was the leader of the Antaam. My sole purpose in life was to destroy and conquer. The only difference is, I did it on purpose. I found joy and peace in it. You did not intend for this, nor could you stop it. If you want to blame somebody, blame this pompous Vint who thinks he is infallible. You can’t change your actions in the past, only control what you do now. If this asshole is trying to become a god, then we should help. I’m not exactly excited about getting myself involved with magisters, demons, or some religion based Inquisition, but this started with you. I’m with you now and I’ll stay with you until we’ve done what we can to stop him from turning our existence upside down. I’ve only just started getting used to this world outside the Qun, I’m in no hurry for it to change.”

Words could not express her relief to hear him say that. Hawke was in complete awe of how well he had taken the news and how fully committed he was to helping carry the weight of her burdens; however necessary. She wanted to leap into his arms and hug him, but with Alistair in the room she resisted the urge. Instead, she hoped that her sincere expression was enough as she placed a tender hand on top of one of his.

"Th—thank you." Hawke was more than grateful that Ash was here. Had he not been, she didn't think she would have been able to hold it together this long.

Alistair, however, was remarkably quiet and she was incredibly curious to know his opinion on the news she had just shoved at him. He and Bethany were Wardens and this turn of events had the potential to change their mission drastically. After all, one of the main purposes of the Wardens was to slay Darkspawn was it not? Corypheus was that and more. Hawke knew now that she needed to get to this Skyhold place where the Inquisition was holed up quickly before the monster could do more harm on another soul. Hawke redirected her attention to their quiet friend, hoping to get any information she could from him; if there was any.

"Well, Alistair? You haven't said a word since I got back. I'm dying to know what your stance is on this mess. In his letter, Varric also mentioned that the Wardens had gone missing. I’m assuming that has something to do with them acting ‘batshit,’ as you so eloquently put it?" 

From the start he had been very vague on the details regarding why he was on the run, but she hadn’t bothered to press. Her main concern was finding her sister and he was helping to do that. Until this point, that was good enough for her. But, if whatever was going on with them was concerning enough to get the Inquisition involved, then he needed to start talking.

He slowly looked to her, his hand rubbing the back of his neck and his expression laced with guilt. It look him several seconds to finally speak and when he did, his tone was sheepish and hesitant. “Might have something to do with more than you think. There’s—something I didn’t tell you.”

Ash tensed immediately at his strange behavior and placed his hand on the dagger he had won in a card game on the ship. Alistair spotted the motion immediately and quickly put his hands up, his eyes going wide. “Woah woah woah! It’s nothing that requires that!” he exclaimed, backing up a few steps then sighing in frustration. “It’s just—well…all of the Wardens have been hearing The Calling. Your sister and I included.”

Ash blinked and shot a glance to Hawke before narrowing his eyes. “ _All_ of the Wardens? At once? How is that even possible?”

Alistair frowned and began to pace, his expression thoughtful and troubled. “I don’t know. It’s making them panic. I wasn’t able to figure out what was going on before I ran, but it’s bad. They are using blood magic and sacrificing the warriors. For what? I can only imagine. Seeing as I am a warrior, I wasn’t about to stick around and become a blood mage’s plaything. Bethany was too smart for that and was having no part of it. As I was sneaking out of there, I heard them shouting orders about finding both of us and not letting us escape, so I know she got away. “

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before stopping short and glancing between the two of them. “If…Corypheus was calling to the Wardens before, do you think…he might be doing it again? All of us hearing it at once isn’t right. It shouldn’t be happening. We all think we are dying and its making a lot of us take desperate measures. Desperate enough to use blood magic to harness power. What they’re planning is big and I’m kicking myself now for not sticking around long enough to find out what it is.”

Ash furrowed his brow and looked to Hawke. Her expression showed she was just as disturbed as he was. Grey Wardens turning on each other and allowing mages to become dangerously powerful didn’t bode well. It was hard to deny their actions and the actions of Corypheus seemed to go hand and hand. They wouldn’t know for certain, though, until they could investigate. “If you waited, you would be dead. You made the right call. We should go to the Inquisition immediately.”

Alistair shook his head and looked at him with a frown. “No. Not before I find out where Bethany is. She’s alone out there and being hunted by the same people who have been our family for years. You go do what you have to, but I’m not doing anything until I know she is safe.”

Ash crossed his arms and shot him an incredulous look. “You want to risk the lives of thousands of people to find one person? You have information that could change everything. I think we should reevaluate our priorities here. She’s a Hawke. If that means anything, she will be fine.”

Alistair squared his shoulders then, standing up to the Qunari for the first time with a stern expression. “I’m…not…doing ANYTHING until we get Beth back. You want me to go to the Inquisition with what I know? Well that’s my condition.”

A wrinkle formed just above her nose when Hawke looked up at her Qunari friend. For a second she didn't understand how he could overlook the search for Bethany, as much as what he was saying made sense. She was about to snap at him, but then she remembered who he was and sighed softly. He had no concept of what it was like to have a family. How could she ever expect him to understand the lengths one would go to for them? Somehow, sometime in the future, she needed to show him that logic was not above all. Sometimes you had to follow your heart.

This was her sister; the only family she had left. There was no way she was just going to let her fend for herself out there, especially against the Wardens. The fact that she even _had_ to protect her sister from a group legendary for being righteous and heroic troubled her greatly.  As for Alistair, he sure as shit wasn't going anywhere until he found her and they couldn't go to Skyhold without him. The Warden was possibly the key to figuring this all out and helping to make sense of this "Calling".

Hawke shook her head, sensing the tension in the room between the two men. She placed a steady hand on each of their arms, attempting to seek some peace between them. She wasn't about to have an argument. They were going to find Bethany and that was not up for debate. Hawke would just have to take that risk. She'd made plenty of them to decide against it, but Maker be damned if she was going to abandon her.

"We will do what we came here to do and find Bethany. I can't just turn away and desert her. She’s out there somewhere. We'll simply have to be vigilant and hope we find her quickly," she told them firmly, somehow regaining her air of leadership. She knew Ash would not be happy with her dismissing his views, but she had to stand firm with this. She looked to him and sure enough, he was giving her an icy look of disapproval. “You said you would stay with me, Ash. This is what I am going to do, so if you really meant that then come with me. Alistair is on board, how about you?”

Ash snorted in return then turned his face away in thought, crossing his arms. They were fools. The entire world was at risk and they wanted to look for one person out of millions. He knew that was their original goal, but that was before they found out that a Darkspawn looking to take over the world was roaming about. Shouldn’t that take precedence over all? He didn’t even _care_ what happened to most people, and even he saw the importance in stopping this immediately. He sighed and looked to Hawke, who was staring back at him expectantly and doing that lip biting thing he wasn’t sure he was irritated with or enamored by.

She had thrown his words back at him within minutes of them leaving his mouth, which was sort of impressive, but mostly a thorn in his side. She had him there. She knew damn well he had meant what he said. He didn’t make empty proclamations. He knew he would go with her despite his personal beliefs on the matter, and that made him feel like a puppy following its owner around with a wagging tail. When had he gone from commanding an entire army to taking orders from a Viscount and lone Grey Warden?

_Oh how the mighty have fallen._

A grumble vibrated in his throat and he dropped his arms, shaking his head in defeat. “I already said I would not leave you. If this is what you are doing, then I will follow. BUT, if we end up chained and enslaved by an evil Darkspawn magister, then I am going to enjoy telling you in detail how wrong you were.”

Hawke watched him turn on his on his heel and make his way back towards their room once he had said his peace. The shaking of his head before he disappeared through the door didn’t annoy her at all, as it should have. Instead, her heart skipped a beat knowing that he was staying despite strongly disagreeing with her. It was comforting to know he was a man of his word. Knowing she could continue to trust him lightened her spirts just enough to allow her to hide a secretive smile from the man standing beside her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We apologize for the emotional roller coaster of the past two chapters. Our goal is to kill you with anticipation and feels. Is it working? Haha. On a more serious note, thank you so so so soooo much for loyally following along. Our readers may be few, but those few mean the world to us. We appreciate all the comments and feedback we have gotten and are very excited for the chapters to come! 
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> Have yet another work from the brilliant and talented TheChampion04. I swear, she is Super Woman when it comes to having art ready for each new chapter. 
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	7. Dine and Dash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A dream is your creative vision for your life in the future. You must break out of your current comfort zone and become comfortable with the unfamiliar and the unknown." ―Denis Waitley

Ash stood silent as he stared at his reflection in the mirror of the room he and Hawke shared. It was becoming easier to look at himself and see a figure he didn’t recognize, but it wasn’t any less surreal. At times, what he saw pleased him. He was no longer emaciated from lack of nourishment and his eyes no longer held a sunken appearance. They were more vibrant and alive than they had been in many years. He felt stronger despite losing the harshness he once coveted as a sign of fortitude. His entire demeanor was calmer and more relaxed. He was gradually becoming comfortable with himself as an individual, rather than a drop of water in an ocean.

On other occasions, what he saw terrified him. Giving up deliberate control over himself was difficult for him to do. From the second he was old enough to carry a sword, he had prided himself on being precise, calculated, and disciplined. Now he felt as if he were none of those things. He lost himself so swiftly in these past few months, thinking about it made his head spin. He would never admit it out loud to another person, but for the first time he was genuinely afraid; not just of his lack of control over his life, but of himself.

With his perfectly measured world gone, he could no longer hide behind that façade. He was forced to face tumultuous feelings inside he didn’t even understand. Never in his life had he been so personally tested. He held it together for the most part, but when alone with no one to judge or stare, the torrent of emotions he tried so desperately to keep inside came out. It was never pretty.

Just hours ago, with Hawke out making arrangements to meet with her contacts and Alistair somewhere doing things Ash couldn’t care less bout, the flashbacks and anxiety got the best of him. His chest tightened to a point where he was unable to breathe and he thought he would black out. The shaking, pounding heart, and frenzied thoughts plagued with such intensity he threw up in a waste bin, heaving until his sides ached. The attack passed, as always, but left him feeling like a ghost, devoid of emotion and almost nonexistent. If that wasn’t frightening, he didn’t know what was.

He would never allow the others to see him that way, especially not Hawke. For her, he would be the pillar of strength; a wall for her to lean against. If she caught him trembling in the corner like a mewling coward, his hands gripping the sides of his head in a futile attempt to stop his damning thoughts, it would only add to her stress. After disposing of the contents of his stomach and regaining his composure, he quickly took steps to appear as if nothing had happened before either of them returned. The aftereffects of his past trauma were his burden to bear, no one else’s.

He turned his attention back to the image before him and ran his hands along the smooth silk of the royal blue tunic Hawke had purchased. He wanted to curse her for buying even more items for him, but decided otherwise when he looked down at her bright expression and noticed the excitement in her eyes over giving it to him. She wanted him to look presentable tonight when they met with her childhood friend and he didn’t have the heart to tell her no; not after the devastation endured the previous evening. If this made her happy he would wear it, even if he thought he looked ridiculous. His kind wearing silk? Preposterous.

Even more absurd, were the nerves he struggled to keep at bay over sitting down with Hawke and her old friends for a dinner. When she told him they were invited to one, he instantly grew uncomfortable. Why did they have to share a meal with these people? Could they not simply ask if they had seen Bethany then go? It seemed pointless for them to waste time when there were more important matters to tend to. He grumbled about it right up to the point where Alistair not so subtly declined the offer, stating that he would be out meeting with ‘a person about a thing.’

The Warden was not as clueless as he originally assumed. The moment tensions had calmed and Hawke moved out of earshot, he proceeded to give Ash grief over what he walked in on. He asked annoying personal questions inquiring if they were involved. As if he would disclose such information to that buffoon. When he gave his weak excuse for not going to dinner with them, he shot Ash a look that made it obvious he was trying to shove them off together.

He wanted to punch the man for being so transparent, but he wanted to punch himself more for the bothersome fluttering in his stomach over the idea of being alone with her. The walk to wherever her contacts resided would give them several minutes to talk, just the two of them. It was already well into the evening so he doubted the streets would be crowded.

As he brushed his fingers through his hair, smoothing it, he cursed under his breath for being overly eager to go off with her without the Warden’s presence. He would have to endure an awkward meal where he would most likely get stared at the entire time, but it was worth it. He did not understand why his feelings regarding her changed so drastically in the past several weeks, but he’d given up on trying to figure them out. It would take a lifetime for him to discover the reasons people felt certain things. After he almost kissed her, a gesture very out of character for him, something changed on his end. Before that, he wanted nothing more than to keep her at bay. Now, he found himself staring at her every chance he got, wishing she would come closer.

He tried not to dwell on such feelings for too long. It wasn’t as if anything would come of them. Their mission needed to come first. There was simply no time to explore this undeniable connection they shared. It would only prove to be a distraction. Distractions were bad and could get you killed. He had no other choice but to do his best to ignore whatever was happening inside of him when he thought of her. If that could even be done. He tried hard to avoid feeling _anything_ for her in the first place, but had failed miserably. Who was to say he wouldn’t be distracted by her no matter what?

He sighed and grabbed his dagger off of the night stand, tucking it into his belt, before heading to the door. She was no doubt waiting for him so they could leave. He had been in the room getting ready and contemplating life for quite a while. He felt foolish and like a primping woman for wanting to look nice for her. He felt even more foolish for walking out to her smelling of the fancy soap he had found in the safe house, wearing elegant clothing, and being so clean his skin might squeak if anyone brushed against him. What in Thedas was she doing to him?

Ash was a tough Qunari to get out of one's head. It seemed like Hawke had scared the man so much, he now preferred the floor to sharing the bed with her. Her outburst last night must've given him doubts about her; or maybe he thought she just needed space. Whatever the reason, guilt ate at her for putting him through one of her outbursts, even if he made it seem like it wasn't phasing him in the slightest.

She sat patiently by the fireplace in deep thought, wishing she could shake the paranoia and anxiety she developed since the explosion of the Chantry. Ash had shown a tremendous amount of strength while recovering from his own demons. Why was she finding it so difficult? He had only been a free man for a few months and seemed fine. She was still struggling years later. It made her feel weak. Even Alistair seemed so much more put together than her, and she knew for a fact he had been through a lot. He lost a person he cared about a great deal, just as she did, yet he was able to find a way past his grief. In fact, he was downright cheery most of the time, even while on the run. Why was it so hard for her to let go of her past? Why did she let it affect her so deeply?

While she contemplated this, Ash appeared in the corner of her eye, making her sit up straight and grab the arms of her chair. The sight of him just about made her jaw plummet to the floor. He looked incredibly dapper and fit to meet with the Queen of Ferelden. The crisp blue tunic hugged his body in all the right ways and the color accented his ashen skin as beautifully as she pictured it would.

When she told him she wanted them to be presentable for their hosts, she didn’t think he would take her request to heart. She was more than happy he did. He looked so damn good she wanted to lunge across the room and throw herself on him. The natural poise and dignity he had harbored since he was the Arishok only made him look that much more sophisticated. She couldn’t believe a simple garment contained the power to change his appearance so drastically.

She grinned at the awkward expression he carried when her eyes first fell upon him. She couldn’t recall ever seeing Ash look so bashful, let alone any Qunari appear so timid. He was not comfortable dressed up in such a way. It wouldn't have been as obvious to anyone else, but Hawke could sense it without question. She cleared her throat and closed her mouth. There was nothing he needed to be uncomfortable about. The man was practically a god.

"Wow..." Hawke murmured, trying to compose herself as she stood to face him. She did her best not to seem so stunned by his appearance as her eyes roamed over him again. After gawking for an almost rude amount of time, she coughed in her hand to prepare for a daring compliment, "You look very handsome."

Handsome? He looked like a frilly Orlesian, but her words still pleased him somehow. His attempts at being visually pleasing weren’t wasted. He forced a small smile and nodded his head in thanks before allowing himself to run his gaze over her. She did the same with him moments earlier so he didn’t consider it impolite to do so in kind. He felt a small twinge of relief that she made an effort to fix herself up for the evening as well.

He also felt that damned fluttering again. The sensation was starting to irritate him. She looked more feminine than he had ever seen her. The cream colored tunic she wore gave her a pure and innocent appearance despite showing just enough cleavage to make him do a double take and stare for a few moments longer than necessary. She even took the time to fashion her hair prettily off of her face, making the blue of her eyes appear even more vibrant. He liked it very much, but was hesitant to express it as she had. Anything he had to say would only make it obvious he harbored an attraction towards her.

Instead, he swallowed any words that threatened to come out and moved closer, taking her overcoat off the back of the chair and holding it up so she could slip her arms inside. The sea air made for colder evenings and she didn’t have the luxury of thick skin as he did. It was a polite gesture that he hoped would make up for his silence.

Standing so close to her enabled him to catch the scent radiating off of her. She used the same soap he had. It was such a small thing, but he found it unbelievably alluring. He almost leaned his face down to bury it in her hair for a few moments, but caught himself in time to realize how ridiculous that would be. He must have been grasping her shoulders and staring for far too long because suddenly she was turning her head to glance up at him with questioning eyes. He cleared his throat and moved towards the door at once, refusing to look back at her. This evening would be more awkward than he originally thought.

That became apparent during their walk to her friend’s home. He wanted to use their few moments alone together to talk to her, but every time he worked up the nerve a group of people walked past and he lost it. He didn’t even know what he wanted to say. It had been weeks since they engaged in a real conversation. What was he supposed to talk about after so much time doing his best to ignore her?

He knew he wanted to make sure she fared well after last night, but was wary of bringing up anything with the potential to upset her. Meeting with the people she spent time with as a young woman seemed to make her content and he didn’t want to ruin her mood. After a few minutes he gave up searching for words and remained silent. The only interaction they shared afterwards were brief glances they both shied away from every time they happened. It wasn’t until they approached the doorstep of their destination that he finally found his voice again.

He stared at the wooden door, noting how nice the home was in comparison to the image he carried in his head. Her contacts appeared to be well off and he didn’t know why that caused his anxiety to increase. He had a paranoid feeling that these people would look upon him just as most humans did. He didn’t want to do anything to upset Hawke’s evening, even if that meant having to avoid offending anyone just by being there. “Are you sure they will be okay with my presence? If you’d rather I keep guard outside…”

"Don't be silly. They are eager to meet you."

Hawke saw the protest plastered across his face, but she was already knocking on the door before he could say anything. This was not a time for them to bicker. She turned abruptly to face her giant before tugging and readjusting the collar of his tunic to align it with the rest of his torso. The rogue couldn't help but linger slightly on his exposed upper chest. Her breath hitched then she let out a light chuckle at the mental image of Varric and Ash having a contest to determine whose was better.

Providing him assistance with such a minor task actually brought her a small amount of happiness, which was very much needed after the past few days she had. It made her feel useful and helped her momentarily forget that she was an absolute mess inside.  She wanted this dinner to go well and her friends to see what she did in him; a beautiful, sophisticated man.

She thought he would swat her hands away, but to her surprise he didn’t seem to mind her fussing over him. He was too busy staring at her chest. Knowing he was purposely admiring her body caused a lump to form in her throat and her heartbeat to elevate. She tried to come up with something flirtatious and witty to say, but sudden noises came from the other side of the door so she quickly dropped her hands away from him instead.

It swung open seconds later, revealing the woman she hadn’t seen in over a decade. Several moments passed while she and Anne took in the sight of each other. Hawke was stunned. She thought she mentally prepared herself for this, but being face to face with her after so long left her dumbstruck. She actually had to hold back tears of relief over seeing her again. Her mouth opened to greet her, but she was so choked up she wasn’t even sure she would be able to speak. Fortunately, Anne all but tackled her to the ground before she could say or do anything.

"Marian!" she proclaimed excitedly with her arms latched around Hawke's neck, pulling her into a tight hug. “I can't believe you're here! Maker, you haven't aged a day! You are stunning!"

Hawke scoffed and hugged her back just as adamantly with a goofy grin, the shock instantly gone. As if her old friend didn’t have a majority of Lothering’s young men begging her father for her hand by the time she turned fifteen. She was not only nice to look at, but had an infectious personality that made others want to be around her. The bouncy blonde girl was by far the bubbliest person in Thedas back then and it didn’t seem like that had changed much. She was always in constant state of happiness despite any hardships that came her way. Hawke pulled back and smiled in admiration. She couldn’t help but sigh in relief that Anne appeared to be the same person she remembered. It was more than she could say about herself.

She saw her last during the Blight while the people of Lothering were fleeing the Darkspawn. Their entire home got ripped to pieces and Hawke feared Anne had fallen along with so many others. Imagine her surprise when she received a letter from her friend nearly a year after settling in Kirkwall. Somehow Anne managed to find her. The relief she experienced was immense. They wrote letters back and forth after that for quite some time, but eventually lost contact. Now that they were reunited, Hawke made a silent promise to herself that she would do her best to make sure it didn’t happen again.

She sighed happily and took in the sight of the woman before her, getting a good look in. Time had aged her. Her waistline thickened some and her blue eyes held bags beneath them. Her skin now displayed a few wrinkles and wasn’t as smooth as before, but she still managed to be one of the most beautiful women Hawke had ever seen. Long ago, she always wondered why such a feminine, graceful girl would spend time with the local tomboy. They had always been polar opposites. Hawke liked to fight with boys and play just as roughly as they would. Anne liked dolls and playing dress up. It was a long shot that two people so different would ever become friends, but for some reason they connected almost instantly and became inseparable growing up. It almost felt like another life.

Perhaps her father had something to do with it. He always told her that everyone in this world had something to teach us. Even those we assume we wouldn’t be able to relate to. Sometimes a person the exact opposite of you was exactly what you needed to grow as an individual. Whatever the reason, Hawke would be forever grateful that she had given Anne a chance. She smiled a tad and looked up at Ash, who stood stoically beside her in polite silence. It seemed Hawke had a knack for befriending people who shared little in common with her.

Anne followed her gaze and finally noticed the giant Qunari at her doorstep. Her eyes widened, but not in fright or contempt. It was the exact opposite. Pure excitement and awe filled her expression while she shot her gaze all over him with a goofy smile. After a few seconds she peeled herself off of Hawke and practically shoved her to the side to get a better look.

"Well Maker's sweet breath of life Hawke," she declared while stepping right up to the brute with an intrigued grin. "Your message said you were bringing a Qunari over for supper, but you never said he was gorgeous. Holding out on me as usual."

Ash could do nothing but blink for several seconds. His eyes darted to Hawke and pleaded for help with what he should do, but she was too busy blushing and giggling at his expense. He was unable think of a thing on his own, so he simply stood there with a blank expression. Being welcomed anywhere by those not of his kind felt odd to him. The normal reactions he got from others were upward gazes of disgust or fear, not enthusiasm. This woman had an odd perception of what was considered ‘gorgeous.’ He forced an uneasy smile before being saved by another stranger’s voice coming from within the home.

“Anne, what did I tell you about scaring the guests off? Leave the poor fellow alone.”

He looked to a man as he approached, surprised to see that it was an elf. When Hawke told him that her friend was married, he just assumed it would be to another human. He had never seen two people from a different race together in such a way; though to be fair he hadn’t seen many couples in his life at all. He watched as the raven haired elf grinned warmly at Hawke before taking her in a tight hug.

“Hawke, it’s so good to see you again. Please come in out of the cold and introduce us to your large friend here.”

"I'm not scary," Anne mock whined while looking at Landion with a pouting bottom lip.

A laugh escaped Hawke's breath. Her two friends had always teased each other mercilessly. Anne was a prankster by nature and Landion was the only one who had ever been able to keep up with her. He was once a traveling merchant who used to come through Lothering quite often. Most of the younger single women in town wanted to get their nails into him, but he only had eyes for Anne from the second he saw her. It didn’t take long for them to fall fast in love and eventually marry. Their relationship was almost like a fairy tale. Judging by the loving gaze he gave her now, not much had changed between them even after all these years.

Except for the toddler who couldn’t be older than two years of age that appeared behind Anne's legs and stared up at them. Hawke gasped softly and shot her friend a warm smile. She remembered that the couple had tried for a baby long ago, but lost it shortly before the Darkspawn came. It was a horrible experience for anyone to go through and Hawke’s heart bled for them that day, but in a way it was for the best.

That was an awful thought to have, but the Blight destroyed so many things. Trees and crops died, many water sources became tainted then dried up, animals became diseased and unfit to eat, and so many infants were born with disease or deformities. Many lucky enough to be born healthy perished from starvation or exposure to harsh conditions. Raising a child back then proved extremely difficult. Anne losing her first baby was a heartbreaking thing, but it brought Hawke so much happiness knowing they were finally able to have the family they wanted. They could raise this one free from the devastation the Blight wrought.

She stepped inside their home with Ash once Anne grabbed the boy’s hand and made room for them to go in. As soon as Landion took her coat and hung it on the rack she released a soft puff of air before smiling up at the massive beast.

"Landion, Anne, I'd like you to meet Ash. He's my...." She paused while looking him right in the eye. She could've easily made up some elaborate tale of who he was and how they met, but her friends were practically family. There was no point in lying to them. Besides, she didn’t have to give everything away right there on the spot. Something simple and vague would do.

"He's a close friend of mine and accompanying me to Skyhold,” she explained before looking at them pleadingly to rein in their teasing.

She knew Ash would not be comfortable with their jabs. She could actually see him misreading their joking banter and getting offended. He was barely keeping it together just being gawked at by Anne and the baby. She could practically feel the tension radiating off of him. The last thing she needed was for him to abruptly leave or go on one of his legendary Arishok lectures.

“It appears you have somebody that needs to be introduced as well,” she blurted out before they could say anything. It was an attempt to sway the focus off of her large companion and she hoped it would work.

They seemed to take the hint easily enough. Anne simply smiled while Landion shook his hand and told him how nice it was to meet him. Hawke sighed in relief then shot Ash a reassuring glance. She couldn't ask for better friends. Now that they had gotten the uncomfortable part out of the way, she was free to give her attention to the toddler, who hadn't stopped examining Ash since they walked in.

Anne beamed as she bent down to pick the newest addition to her family up. "This is our son Boris. Takes after his father," she told them before kissing his chubby cheek and brushing a mess of dark curls off of his forehead.

Hawke reached out and took his tiny hand in hers, smiling at his soft babbling. He was absolutely gorgeous. It had been so long since she had any interaction with a baby, she almost forgot how adorable they could be. “Oh Anne. He’s lovely. I’m so happy for you. I know how much having children meant to you.”

Her blonde friend squeezed her arm and mouthed a ‘thank you’ while Boris ignored them both to keep his wide eyed baby blues on Ash with intense curiosity. Anne noticed then slowly leaned over to whisper to Hawke, keeping her voice barely above a whisper. "He's really interested in your friend."

Hawke smirked while the two of them watched him carefully. "So am I," she whispered back.

Anne practically flushed from head to toe over her long lost friend's confession before smacking her on her shoulder with a laugh. "You haven't changed a bit, Marian."

Landion, who was close enough to hear the exchange, shook his head with a chuckle before moving towards the kitchen area. “Make yourselves comfortable. Dinner is about ready to be put on the table. I hope there’s enough. When you told us in your message that your companion was a Qunari, I made sure to prepare extra,” he told them before pausing and looking their way with a guilty expression. “Oh… was that insensitive to say? I apologize. I didn’t mean to imply that just because you’re of a certain race… that you… well… heh…” his voice trailed off and he swallowed before looking at Hawke sheepishly.

Ash stared at him for a moment, still hung up on the fact that a man was cooking for them. He shook his head and shrugged before mumbling about it being okay, causing the strangers to share looks among themselves. Refusing to talk to them didn’t reflect on him well, but he couldn’t stop taking everything around him in long enough to get words out.

After several seconds of silence, Landion gave up on expecting him to make conversation and moved out of view. Whatever he was preparing smelled delicious and made Ash’s stomach growl. It was odd for him to see a male in a role that had been reserved for women in his old life. So much about the customs of humans and elves were a mystery to him.

He glanced to Hawke for a second, who looked very much a woman _now_ , but took on a man’s role in her day to day life. It would take him awhile to get used to not generalizing people based on their gender, but it seemed he had no other choice. This was his world now, and he needed to do his best to blend in. Though, sitting down to dinner with a family in a nice, inviting home with other races was still too foreign for him. He had never done anything quite like it.

The house was well furnished and nicer than anything he had stepped foot inside of for some time; other than Hawke’s mansion. It appeared as if they had been piecing it together for years. It was filled to the brim with memories and stories of their life together. He found himself wanting to ask the tales behind some of the more unusual items, but of course he wouldn’t. So this was what a family home looked like. He felt a bit guilty for judging yet again, not only about a man cooking but about an elf being wealthy compared to the rest of his brethren. Most of the elves he came across in his time were sad and pathetic; living in squalor.

The way he put races and people into boxes made him feel ashamed. After all the things he experienced these past several years, he knew for himself that things were not always what they seemed to be. The Qun taught him to be a judgmental asshole, to put it lightly. How could he ever have thought that was okay? Hawke’s friends seemed like nice enough people, yet if this were a decade ago he would have refused to even sit down for a meal with an elf and a woman. He would have considered them below him and not worthy to break bread with him. When he put things into perspective, it was easy to see that _he_ was the unworthy one, and always had been.

He sighed and glanced around for a moment before his eyes fell on the small little thing staring at him from his mother’s arms. He had never been so close to a baby before and wasn’t quite sure how to behave around it. It was so small and helpless it made him wonder how it didn’t break or simply perish. How did the Tamassrans treat small children once they took them from their parents? Were they warm and loving as this human was with hers? Somehow he highly doubted that.

He had little to no memories of his childhood, but he did remember small treats being snuck to him by a woman with a nice smile. All other memories involved weapons, fighting, and being trained as a solider. A harsh way to grow up he supposed, but necessary to fit into the assigned roles of the Qun. He pulled himself from his thoughts and paid attention to the child once more, who still gawked at him as if he possessed a second head. Did the thing ever blink? He cleared his throat and examined it in detail, making a face when it drooled all down its mother’s arm and babbled in a language he didn’t understand. Disgusting. Still, even though it was dripping spit everywhere, smelled slightly of urine, and wouldn’t stop rudely staring, it was sort of…cute?

Anne was talking a mile a minute about how much the population had grown in Denerim since the Blight had ended, along with a lot of other pointless information that Hawke ignored unintentionally. She mentioned something about refugees returning to get their lands back and how some people were luckier than others. Hawke pretended to listen while she moved across the room to help Anne set the table. It brought Hawke back to her younger years when her mother taught her proper etiquette, regardless of how much household duties bored her. She hoped she was doing her dear mother proud by doing this correctly.

As she carefully set dishes down, she watched Ash’s fleeting glances towards Boris while he took a seat at the end of the table. He was making every effort to try and ignore him, but still couldn’t stop eyeing him as if the small being were the most interesting thing he had ever seen. This struck a chord on her heart strings as she tried to picture him with children of his own. It was oddly pleasant to imagine.

She wondered if he would be a good father as she tried her best to concentrate on silverware placement. However, it was just too endearing to visualize him with little ones if he were ever to have the chance and she soon found her mind wandering again. Picturing a small Qunari babe with grey skin and horns running around made a stupid grin stretch across her face. She hoped whatever Anne was saying wasn’t terribly important because she only caught a few words of it while lost in her fantasy.

Once the table was set, Hawke took it upon herself to plop down in a chair right next to Ash. She took comfort in being close to him and couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same. He did appear to relax once she settled beside him. He didn’t shy away from her like he had been the last couple weeks, which was more than a relief. She took this a sign that everything between them would work out somehow. They couldn’t remain uneasy around each other forever.

"Hawke are you even paying attention?" Anne's sentences were finally reaching her.

"Yes! Refugees..." Hawke, nearly shouted before turning red and flashing a lopsided, guilty smirk. "Something about refugees...?”

Anne clicked her tongue then shook her head with an amused smile. "Honestly I don't know how you can be so quick on your feet in those fights you like to get into, but be as lost as a Dwarf coming to the surface for the first time when it comes to conversation."

"I'm sorry, Anne. Boris is just so adorable I got distracted," Hawke said quickly, blaming the toddler.

"Welcome to my world," Anne replied, instantly forgetting Hawke’s transgression as she placed Boris down on the floor in order to prepare his seat. It was no surprise that the child moved to Ash’s side as fast as his stubby little legs could get him there. The reaction the giant Qunari had to the gesture was enough to send Hawke and Anne into hysterics, but by some miracle of the Maker they managed to hold it in. It appeared as if he were afraid of the tiny creature; hilarious considering he was ten times his size.

Ash shot a look between both women that screamed ‘help me’ before leaning away in his chair as if coming into contact with the baby would burn his skin. Neither woman came to his rescue, and he cursed them both inwardly for it. He didn’t have a chance to dwell on their treachery too long, however. Something wet and sticky pressed to his arm and he snapped it away before glancing at the source. The child touched him. With spit hands! What was he supposed to do?!

The action caused the toddler to wobble and start to fall backwards. His mother moved to stand, but Ash had a hold of a small squishy arm before she could leave her chair. His hand was so large, it nearly encompassed the entire limb. He shot a panicked look back to the women, thinking his grasp might be hurting the baby. Suddenly, a small giggle sounded in his ears and he slowly turned his attention back down to find Boris smiling back at him with a drooling toothy grin.

He stared for a moment, wondering why the fleshy little sack of pink skin didn’t run away or cry from fright. He wasn’t exactly a cute or cuddly person. It was no secret that he was very intimidating and carried a certain level of harshness. Either the child was brave or too dumb to know better. Considering it was now chewing on his own hand, he was going to assume the latter. He cleared his throat and helped Boris straighten before releasing him and wiping the spittle on the child’s clothing. He wasn’t about to wipe it on his own. The very idea made him shudder.

Boris, however, was quite persistent and couldn’t take a hint. Instead of going away and returning to his mother, he just continued to stare. Ash forced a slight smile and carefully turned him around before giving him a gentle push forward. He figured that would be more acceptable than him asking them to get it away from him. “Go on now….”

“Is Boris bothering you?” Landion suddenly asked from behind him with a chuckle before scooping his son up into his arm and holding him at his side. “Don’t mind him. He’s never seen a Qunari before and he’s always been a curious child.”

The elf set down bottle of what Ash assumed was wine before plopping Boris down into the special seat fashioned for a small child. He heaved a sigh of relief and shot Hawke a sarcastic glance to thank her for ‘helping’ him. She of all people should know that he wasn’t the paternal type.

“Ash, right? Would you be so kind as to help me bring the stew in? Like I said, I made a lot in the largest pot we had,” Landion asked before looking at him expectantly, not even giving him enough time to pout at her properly.

“Uh…very well,” he replied before standing and stiffly following the much smaller man into a spacious kitchen. He sensed the eyes of everyone else on his back as he left, making him feel extra awkward. He was suddenly hesitant to leave the room for fear they would whisper hushed things about him while he was away.

What would they say? What would Hawke tell the unusual woman with the golden hair that stared too much? Why did he care? He scoffed inwardly then cleared his throat in annoyance before watching as his host picked up bowls filled with bread, fruit, and a type of salad before smiling up at him.

“The stew is right there on the oven. You’ll have to use—,” he began to instruct, but Ash was already gripping the handles of the large steel pot and holding out in front of him. “—the pot holders or your hands will burn,” Landion finished before laughing and shaking his head. “I guess your skin isn’t as sensitive as ours.”

Ash cleared his throat and shrugged before pushing yet another small smile. “No, I suppose not.”

Landion grinned further and nodded for him to follow him back out into the dining area. “I can see how that might come in handy.”

Ash stared for a moment before trailing behind him, the smell of the food he held making his stomach growl. It was unusual for him to converse with people in such a way. Other than Hawke, he had never had casual conversation with anyone. Even when they used to partake in long talks together, they always had a more serious tone and she remained on guard with him. It differed greatly from the current situation he was in. He wasn’t accustomed to earnest hospitality. Children didn’t warm up to him and elves didn’t smile at him. Short brunette women with pretty blue eyes didn’t show interest in him or call him handsome. He wasn’t welcomed into people’s homes and he definitely didn’t dress up for dinner parties.

As he moved closer to the table and started to set the steaming pot in the center, he couldn’t help but wonder if he were dreaming. Especially when Hawke smiled up at him with warmth in her eyes for reasons beyond him, nearly making him tip the pot and send soup spilling everywhere. As if he wasn’t making things awkward enough already. He managed to recover before anyone noticed then swallowed hard and retook his seat, his eyes still on hers. Things had been different between them the past two days and he didn’t know if that made him unsettled or pleased.

Hawke couldn’t help but admire him in this moment. He was being rather adorable, something completely out of character for him. The severity of his typical demeanor vanished for the time being. It was endearing to say the least, though she doubted he would agree. It was strange and unorthodox to see him going through such domesticated motions, but for some reason it made her chest tighten ever so slightly. Seeing him interact with others in a less commanding way made her happy.

He caught her eyes on him and the gaze he gave her in return caused butterflies to dance around in her stomach and her skin to prickle. If her friends weren’t around her, she would've leaned in and planted a steamy kiss on him that second. The thought scared her, but at this point it was easier to ignore that fear. The tension she noticed between them drove her mad, almost to the point where she couldn’t stand it anymore. The intense look in his eyes didn’t help; it only made her more anxious. She tried to make it seem less obvious, but hiding a blush was difficult. If she didn’t calm herself, Landion and Anne would surely pick up on it and start asking questions.

Suddenly, the cold tea Anne always made so perfectly was set down, serving as an ideal distraction for the moment. Hawke grinned in relief and moved to pour herself a glass. "Andraste has blessed me this evening. I can't remember the last time I had your tea."

"I made two pitchers just for you," Anne replied with a happy gleam in her eye before turning to Ash with a voice dripping in sweetness, making Hawke think she were up to something. Or perhaps she was being paranoid.

"Thank you for helping Landion bring the stew out. He's not as big and strong as you. How do you manage to stay so muscular and fit?"

Then Anne winked and Hawke threw her face into the palm of her hand.

Before any stock could be placed in her flirtatious teasing, Hawke turned to her and protested, "Really Anne? Landion is right there." She gestured to her elven husband standing not even a few feet away, but he didn’t seem to care much. He merely shook his head with a chuckle and continued moving around the table placing their dinner on their plates. After all this time, he was no doubt used to his wife’s behavior.

Anne laughed softly, not ashamed at all.  "I'm sorry. I forgot you were the green-eyed type."

It seemed she hadn't grown out of her brazen nature. Hawke wanted to smack her for embarrassing her in such a way. Or maybe embarrassment wasn’t the issue. Anne could be right. Perhaps jealousy played a part because she couldn’t flirt with Ash so openly. She knew Anne didn’t meant no harm by it, but it still caused a twinge of possessiveness to fire up inside of her. She didn’t want anyone making eyes at Ash, not even a jesting married woman.

He sat still and quiet throughout the exchange, not wanting to get involved in any way. Ash didn’t understand Anne’s behavior, but he did notice it having a negative effect on Hawke. He had never known her to back out of a snarky conversation, yet here she sat remaining as quiet as him. That was enough of a warning to keep his mouth shut and refrain from answering the woman’s question. Instead, he averted his eyes and examined the food on his plate as if it were quite fascinating.

An elongated moment of silence passed where the two women did nothing but stare at each other before Landion finally took his seat and cleared his throat. “Well then. Shall we eat? I’m starved.”

Ash quickly agreed and picked his utensil up with a nod before taking a hearty bite. If they had food in their mouths, perhaps the silent conversation that Anne and Hawke held with their eyes would not form into words. “Yes. Please.”

Despite Hawke's urge to tug Anne's hair for her behavior or give her a good scolding, she managed to let it slide. She glanced over to Ash for a moment then decided to follow suit and be a polite guest by eating her dinner. She had been worried about _his_ behavior this evening, yet she was the one wanting to bicker with her friend like they used to as children. Funny how some things never changed.

It was easy to forget that she was irritated with Anne once she tasted Landion’s cooking. His skills had only increased since their time in Lothering. It was so good she nearly made indecent ‘mmm’ sounds right there in front of everyone. If she ate like this every day she would be too obese to ride a horse.

She savored each bite she took and allowed herself to delight in being by Ash's side. Eating a dinner with him felt…normal. It was the first time they had done anything together that didn’t involve scenarios such as being surrounded by heavily armed guards, getting attacked by fanatics, or being tossed around in a ship. She didn’t even want to _think_ about all the awkward, tense moments they had shared. Tonight, none of that was in play. They were just two people visiting friends, sharing a meal, and enjoying being around one another. There were no threats to them, no uncomfortable situations, and no expectations. It was…nice.

She looked to him again and swallowed hard when she found him glancing at her sideways as he sipped at his drink. He had done a lot of staring today and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was his mind on the kiss they almost shared? She could barely keep it out of her own thoughts. A part of her cursed herself for running off the way she did. Had she stayed, would they have continued where they left off? The thought almost made her choke on the mouthful of potatoes and carrots she was chewing on. Did she really want that? Yes. Maybe? She sighed and averted her eyes. No sense in wondering now. She had missed out on the opportunity.

Ash cleared his throat and slowly lowered his glass, letting his gaze linger on her a moment longer before he resumed eating. The stew was good, but he wasn’t really able to appreciate it properly. Not with Hawke continually letting her eyes move to his every so often. She blushed exactly three times since they started eating, which made him wonder what was going on in her head. Not knowing made him anxious, though he didn’t know why. It was none of his concern.

Still…

Sitting here in front of people and unable to voice anything going on in his own thoughts aggravated him. He didn’t want to be sitting here with strangers and a demon baby. He wanted to be alone with her so he could…what? What would he even say or ask? He was supposed to be keeping his distance, so anything he wanted to do wasn’t an option. That still didn’t make him want privacy with her any less. But, what would he do once that happened? He didn’t even know. Perhaps take her hand again? Touch her? Hold her again? All of them sounded like very bad ideas, but very good ideas at the same time.

How terribly confusing.

Would she even be accepting of such actions? She practically smashed through a wall to get away from him last night. If that wasn’t a hint, then what was? The mixed signals he kept receiving from her only added to his list of thing to be puzzled about. Why didn’t they just _say_ what they expected and wanted from each other? It seemed like such an easy task, but proved to be one of the most difficult things he had ever done. It didn’t appear that Hawke would enlighten him to her thoughts any time soon either.

Perhaps more subtle actions would provide him with an answer. If he tested the waters so to speak, he would be able to ascertain if she liked whatever he did by the look on her face. Or base it on whether she slapped him or not. Either way would work. The only problem was, what could even be done at a dinner table in front of other people that wouldn’t be inappropriate? Not a lot.

Fortunately, the former Arishok was a determined man and excellent at coming up with alternatives to any idea. He would simply have to do something that would remain unseen. The only way to do that was under the table. It was the only logical choice.

With that in mind, he decided to act instead of sitting there growing moss while thinking about it. At least this way he would know for sure and stop mentally torturing himself over it. He took a deep breath and kept his demeanor as casual as possible before slowly moving his hand over to rest his fingertips against her knee under the tablecloth. His heart just about stopped when he made contact with her, but she didn’t scream or make a scene so he allowed his palm to rest on her leg. It wasn’t vulgar in any way, but still sent the message he wanted it to.

If Hawke were a house cat her ears would have been perked towards the ceiling in surprise. The second she felt the weight of his hand on her, her entire body threatened to explode in every direction. This time she actually did choke on a few pieces of meat and vegetable. She coughed and pounded her chest with her fist softly, managing to get it all down with a red face. Landion asked her if she were okay, but she barely heard it. To take suspicion off of herself, she gave a polite smile and nod. They eyed her for a moment, but accepted her response much to her relief.

At first, she did nothing in an attempt to avoid dying, making an ass out of herself, or fleeing like a spooked mount. The entire world seemed frozen for a moment, giving her enough time to realize what Ash was doing. He was actually touching her. On purpose. Add that to her flirtatious glances and his lingering stares, and it became crystal clear that something was happening between them.

It shocked her that he would make a move on her so discretely at dinner. What possessed him to do such a thing right in front of her friends was beyond her. Not that she didn’t like it. In fact, she never wanted him to move his hand, so she allowed him to keep it there despite the risk of getting caught. With the erratic behavior she had been displaying lately, it would make matters worse if she cowered away from his intimate gesture.

Once she accepted the situation that was transpiring, the decision whether or not to reciprocate weighed heavy on her mind. The sensation of his hands on any part of her always ignited her into flames. There was no denying how intensely she reacted to any physical contact he offered her. If she did anything to encourage him and his touch became bolder, it would send her off the deep end right there at the dinner table. Maker's breath, his fingers felt wonderfully assuring and...arousing.

Did he notice now heavily her body trembled now? If he did, it sure wasn't enough for him to remove his hand. Heat rose in her cheeks, marking the thousandth time it had occurred this evening. She wanted desperately to place her own over his, but remained too embarrassed to make an attempt. She now knew exactly what his touch meant. This wasn’t an accidental. It wasn’t him consoling her or trying to make her feel better. There was no way to confuse this. Ash was showing her that he didn’t see her as just a friend in a very brazen way. As if the kiss he nearly planted on her the night before hadn’t been a large enough hint.  Why on Thedas did it take her so long to figure it out? Too bad banging her head against the table was not an option.

Anne was not a stupid woman. In between light conversation with her husband, she would glance over at their guests and note the way they behaved towards each other. She wasn’t the most observant person in the world, but whatever was happening between them was hard to miss. An ogre bashing its way through her husband’s shop would have been more subtle than those two.  She glanced to Landion just to make sure he also saw what she had been witnessing. He smiled secretly at her with a nod and she smirked back. If those two were trying to be sneaky, they needed to take a few lessons.

“So how do you like the stew?” she asked out of nowhere just to see them jump when they came out of whatever fantasy world they were lost in.

“Good! It’s good,” Ash nearly shouted as he snapped his attention away from Hawke and straightened. Everyone paused to look at him in question so he cleared his throat and quickly shoved more food into his face to shut himself up.

Her friend’s interruption was the window of opportunity Hawke needed to resume breathing again. She grabbed her glass of tea and tossed the contents back in one gulp, earning herself a variety of stares as she slammed the cup back on the table. All she wanted to do was excuse herself to get some fresh air outside, but she remained calm and stayed in place. She needed a distraction, and quickly.

She drew her attention to Anne’s question, hoping that would be enough.

"Your stew is even more delicious than I remember," she forced out in thanks to Landion as he refilled her drink.

"Landion has been slaving away all day mak—Boris!"

The toddler interrupted his mother by submerging his entire hand in his lukewarm stew, making both women giggle. Until that moment, Anne had been doing an impressive job of feeding herself while also keeping the small fellow in check and making him eat. She struggled for a moment trying to pry his chubby little hand out of the bowl, but Boris stubbornly protested. 

With some paranormal infant reflexes, and before Anne could grab him, he took a handful of stew and blindly chucked a good portion, nailing Ash right on the side of his face. Landion placed his hands on the table and tensed, getting ready to stand if he needed to. Hawke and Anne shared matching reactions, gasping simultaneously and placing a hand over their mouths in shock. Judging by the blank expression on the Qunari's face, there was no way to determine how he would respond to Boris's unintentional projectile. Boris didn’t care either way. A grin spread across the toddler’s face and he began laughing in childlike hysterics.

Ash wasn’t sure what angered him more: Having the child’s spit-addled food dripping down his face, or having to remove his hand from Hawke’s leg so that he could clean it off. He stiffly grabbed his napkin with a foul expression and wiped at the warm chunks of stew. While he did, everyone started at him as if he would throw the table across the room in a fit of rage. He didn’t blame them. His people weren’t exactly tolerant of nonsense and Hawke knew the full extent of his anger issues.

Surprisingly, he wasn’t perturbed at the boy, only irritated that his moment had been interrupted. He took what seemed like ages to finally work up the nerve to touch her, only to have it ruined by a shot to the face. Perhaps this was his payment for behaving inappropriately at the dinner table.

He sighed and shook his head, resisting a small smile that threatened to form on his lips. The child’s laughter made it hard for him to remain aggravated. Who knew such a small thing could be so calming? He supposed he should inform the others that he would refrain from ripping their heads off before they all grew old, but somehow he found amusement in the looks on their faces. He let the tension linger a moment longer while he finished tidying himself up then finally set both hands on the table and stared around.

“Nice throwing arm on that son of yours.”

Anne had to stop herself from fainting, feeling flushed in the face when she glimpsed the impressed and handsome expression Ash gave her son. The attraction that Hawke so obviously harbored for him made more sense now. She bet her life that underneath his rough, barbaric exterior he housed a heart of gold. He had an air of authority about him as if he had been a soldier at one point. She witnessed enough of them in her life to tell by the way he carried himself. If his attractive demeanor wasn’t enough to muddle Hawke’s pretty little head, his appearance sure was. As far as Qunari men went, or men in general, he was nice to look at. With all those muscles and angles, it was no wonder her old friend couldn’t keep her eyes off of him.

She nodded and chuckled a thank you for his words before cleaning Boris’ tiny hand. Few gave praise to her child outside the family. A compliment coming from a Qunari spoke volumes to her. She didn’t think they gave them freely or without warrant.

Concern formed on her child's face while stew got wiped away; as if he wondered whether or not he was in trouble. Since no harm was done, she sent him a reassuring and warm smile before helping him off his seat. If she kept him there much longer he would start to fuss. She figured he had finished with his supper since he was now throwing it at people instead of into his mouth. Once the baby landed on his feet, free to roam the dining area, she noticed the extreme quiet in the room. After glancing around a moment her eyes found Hawke, who still could not peel her hand from her mouth. Her entire upper body shook and her eyes were shut tight.

"Hawke, are you alright?" she asked quietly, concern filling her voice.

At that moment, whatever Hawke kept trapped inside finally broke free.

She laughed so loud it made everyone jump a couple inches off of their seats. The longer she allowed the hysterics to escape the harder it became for her to keep it together. She laughed until she had to hug herself tightly to make it less painful on her stomach. It seemed like it had been years since she busted up this much. After a few more moments, it reached the point where she was nearly falling backwards out of her chair. She was making a spectacle out of herself in front of the others, but she didn’t think they minded. In fact, they seemed to be enjoying the show.

"Andraste's flaming ass!" Hawke finally managed to breathe out through the laughter. "That little person deserves a badge of honor." Any effort at trying to act like a decent lady had completely gone out the window.

Anne tried to hold it together herself, but Hawke's behavior was too contagious.

"Hey watch your language in front of the children, young lady!" Anne tried to order as she pointed a finger. It wasn't too convincing seeing as she failed to keep a straight face.

"You can't tell me what to do," Hawke argued jokingly, not even caring that the two older gentlemen in the room were staring at them. It was like the rest of the world had disappeared for a few seconds and they were back in Lothering as young women.

"Don't make me come over there!" Anne threatened, trying to act intimidating.

"Oh I would love to see you try," Hawke taunted back with a wicked grin as she leaned forward against the edge of the table.

“Ladies!” Landion interrupted with a chuckle before it could progress any further. “Let’s calm down before we start slinging food next, shall we? You’ll stain my carpets.”

The elf stood then and cleared items off of the table with a smiling face. “Why don’t you two lovely creatures head to the living room and have a seat? You said you had something dire to discuss with us so we may as well get to it. I’ll take all of this into the kitchen if Ash will light a fire.”

Ash stared at him a moment before nodding in silence, noting the strange way in which this man behaved. He was showing him an entirely new way to behave around the female sex and it differed greatly from his own experiences. It was almost as if he were his wife’s servant, yet he did it with a smile on his face. Ash didn’t understand it in the slightest, but Landion catering to her seemed to make her happy and smile just as much. She beamed at his words and looked at him like the sun rose solely for him before dragging Hawke from the table towards the spacious sitting area around the fireplace with Boris in tow.

He rose to his feet as well to follow, his mind filled with too many thoughts for him to sort through. Is that how men were supposed to treat women? Like leaders or queens? He cooked for her, served her, cleaned up after her, and Ash assumed that extended beyond the dinner table. Perhaps it was an Elven thing. He didn’t know. The women of the Qun received assigned roles, same as the men. They got treated a certain way according to their title, not what they possessed inside of their pants. The custom was certainly a lot easier than trying to figure it out on his own.

He continued to ponder this as he passed by Hawke to do the task he had been given. Anne chose to sit across from her instead of in the empty seat beside her on the couch. As he knelt down in front of the fireplace, he wondered if their host did so on purpose. She did him a favor if this were so. He wanted to sit next to Hawke. Not only did it help with the mild anxiety he still struggled to push down, it also meant he got to be squeezed onto the seat beside her. The couch was small and he would take up a lot of room.

For all he knew, Hawke would slap him the second they left for touching her at the table earlier and was just being polite while they sat in front of others. When his hand rested on her, she became very hard to read. She blushed and trembled, but he couldn’t tell if it were for negative or positive reasons. If they were negative, this would be his last opportunity to be so close to her.

He placed kindling over some wood with a thoughtful expression until his musings were interrupted by a small stick being held in front of his face. He looked to his side to find Boris. Of course it was Boris. Who else would it be? He sighed softly and took it from him before placing it on the rest of the pile. At least the boy had some sense of work ethic if he were trying to help. Ash couldn’t help put respect that. “Thank you.”

At this point the staring didn’t bother him as much, so he wasn’t perturbed when the child didn’t move, choosing to gawk some more instead. He supposed there was no harm in the kid watching. Maybe he would learn something. Ash grabbed the bit of flint he found on the hearth before pulling his dagger, keeping it well out of the toddler’s reach.

“Step back,” he told him, not even knowing if he would understand. At what age were human children able to comprehend their language? To his surprise, Boris didn’t argue, only backed up with wobbly legs as instructed. So, he followed orders well too? Perhaps he wasn’t as bad as Ash originally thought. He eyed the small creature for a few seconds before quickly striking the flint with his blade, growing a roaring fire in no time with the sparks it produced.

Anne paid attention to her son assisting Ash with anything he needed. Boris did his best to concentrate on every movement the Qunari made and it made her smile deeply. He was a passionate boy; once he had his heart set on something it was impossible to deter him. It appeared his heart was now eager to get the massive Qunari in the room to interact with him, which seemed to be working. Ash no longer looked at him as if he harbored a contagious disease. He seemed to have accepted Boris’ attention. How adorable.

She turned her head to find that her son's eyes weren't the only ones fixated on the grey giant by the hearth. Hawke seemed at peace with the scene, but her gaze held something else; something deeper. The look manifested itself the moment the two of them arrived at her door. Both of them seemed tense and stressed over keeping up appearances. They were too stiff; too careful around one another. Anne had some clue as to what they kept secret, but she would keep her mouth closed about it.

"So tell me, Hawke. You seem troubled. What's the real reason you came back?" she asked, her tone more serious now. She was ready to take whatever news her long lost friend brought.

Hawke's attention snapped back to Anne instantly and her demeanor darkened. The pleasant part of the evening had passed.

Landion came into the room just as Anne asked her question and took a seat beside her in the chair before calling Boris to him. His son hesitated to listen, but begrudgingly complied when a second call came. Ash watched him go before straightening and going to his own spot beside Hawke. She didn’t shy away from him or tense so he took that as a good sign and settled in, draping his arm across the back of the sofa.

Hawke swallowed hard and searched for words. Now that she had everyone’s attention, she needed to start talking. She wasn’t looking forward to this conversation, but she found comfort in Ash’s weight beside her. They were practically in each other's laps and it caused a familiar warmth to pool in her stomach once more. If they were alone Hawke would be free to lean against him and allow herself the true comfort she bore being this close to him. The scent he gave off was slowly becoming her favorite smell and relaxed her to the point where she didn’t even want to talk anymore. If it were just the two of them, she wouldn’t have to. He seemed to know her feelings without her even saying a word. It was wonderful.  Unfortunately, words were required for their current situation.

“As much as we wish this were merely a social visit,” Landion started, somehow sensing her hesitance, “we assume you came to us after so long for other reasons. How can we help?”

"I... don’t know where to begin," Hawke responded, her voice despondent and quiet.

"Just start from the beginning," Anne suggested with a warm and comforting smile.

Hawke let in a deep breath and returned the smile slightly. The beginning? The story up to this point would be a tough one to tell. She knew they wanted to hear everything that happened to her since they fled Lothering. Her life in the past decade wasn’t exactly filled with good experiences, but she owed it to both of her hosts to explain.

So she did.

Hawke told them everything in full detail, receiving gasps, tears, and concerned faces in return. She covered the tragic deaths in her family, the important people she met, and all the things she had to do to move up the status ladder into the Viscount's seat. The hardest part to tell were the events leading up to the horrific mage uprising that ended in her former lover's death. It felt odd bringing up Anders at a time like this, but she deemed it necessary to mention him. It was the first time she had in quite some time.

She hadn't been thinking much of him lately only because she spent most of her mental energy on the former Arishok. This brief revelation caused her to set her eyes on Ash for a moment to see how concerned he seemed as he listened intently without interruption. He didn't appear to be upset with her. She left out the part about him being _the_ Arishok she mentioned earlier in her tale to prevent that. There were some things people didn’t need to be aware of. Besides, his story was not hers to tell.

Hawke placed that sensitive information in the back of her mind for the time being and continued with her own tale.  When she got to the part about the Darkspawn named Corypheus, her voice turned shaky and her hands tightened to fists as she held back the anger festering in her blood.

Anne could tell that talking about this evil blighted Magister struck a very raw nerve in her friend. It seemed that Hawke had few good experiences with mages or magic. It broke her heart. Hawke was just another person who had seen so many of the bad parts of magic. How sad that the actions of a few tainted the reputation of so many others. Mentioning anything mage related was best left alone for the time being. Anne to look straight at Boris who sat playing, stacking his wooden blocks by the fire. Hopefully he would not be effected too deeply by this in the future. She cleared her throat then turned her full attention back at Hawke to keep listening.

Landion held his wife's hand throughout the entire story while her other gripped a napkin; damp from all the tears she wiped from her face. She carried deep sympathy for her friend. She had been through so much that Anne was rendered speechless. What could one even say or offer to someone after hearing all the hardships they endured? Hawke was so strong to still be functioning, but needed support and love to make up for the loss she suffered.

Anne looked at Ash then, her instincts telling her he was exactly what Hawke needed at this point in her life. He seemed to ease her grief just by being present. He looked eager to touch her or comfort her in any way he could. His eyes practically bore into her. She knew that look. It was enough of a reason for Anne to put faith in Hawke being properly cared for.

After what seemed like hours to her, Hawke reached the conclusion by explaining her run in with her Grey Warden contact and all the information he provided her with. She politely declined providing his name, but assured them he was a dependable companion.

"And that brings us to why we are here. When we found out about the suspicious happenings within the Warden ranks, it was brought to my attention that Bethany went missing in the process. My contact told me she fled, but I don’t know if she's safe or if this 'Calling' has affected her. With her being a mage, it doesn't bode well and I'm worried sick for her."

Hawke paused, trying desperately not to choke up and start bawling. She missed Beth terribly, even more so now that she was nowhere to be found. “I was hoping she came to you while on the run so you could point me in the right direction in my quest to find her. She’s the only family I have left. I can’t lose her too.”

Landion and Anne frowned deeply. This was the first time they heard the news and were clueless as to where Hawke’s sister might be. The elf placed a hand on Anne’s knee when she tried to speak, but only made a saddened sound instead. He knew it would kill her inside that they wouldn’t be able to help with something so important to Hawke.

He sighed deeply and gave the rogue the most apologetic expression he could manage. “I’m so sorry Hawke. We haven’t seen or heard from Bethany since Lothering. But, it’s possible she could drop by if you thought to. If she does, we will let her know you are looking for her and send her to Skyhold. You’re smart to go there. The Inquisition will protect you and your sister should she make it there. We’ve heard good things about it.”

Ash’s face dropped and he instantly looked to Hawke. He knew this news would upset her, but in all honesty he doubted these strangers would provide anything useful from the start. If they had seen Bethany, he figured it would be something they’d mention right away. Still, he hoped they merely forgot in their excitement over seeing a person from their past. Sadly, this was a dead end.

He wondered how the woman beside him would take the blow. How many times could she be disappointed before she cracked? Listening to everything that happened to her while he was gone angered him. It was the first time he was hearing most of it. He knew some things of course, but not the full extent of her struggles. He couldn’t help but feel as if he could have helped her had he not been consumed by hatred back then.

But, he was a different person when he knew her before. There was a chance he wouldn’t have even cared. He was here now, and that was all he could do. Knowing everything only made him more determined not to be another person in her life that let her down. Maybe that would serve as his new purpose for the time being; ensuring Hawke never had to withstand anything alone again. What else did he have to do? What else did he _want_ to do? Nothing.

With that knowledge settling in his mind, he reached the hand that had been resting on the back of the couch downwards to grip her shoulder lightly. It wasn’t something he would normally do with prying eyes, but he could see distress festering in her gaze. The touch was a silent reminder that he was there, supporting her, and he hoped it would be enough to keep her grounded for now.

When Hawke felt his heavy hand on her shoulder it calmed her slightly, but the fear within her could not be soothed. She knew the likelihood of her old friends seeing her sister was a long shot, but it still stung to hear the bad news. Finding Bethany would not be easy by any means, but now it seemed impossible.

A headache that started out small and insignificant now pulsated behind her eyes. The little information she gained from her friends caused her to fill with doubt once more. With no clue as to Bethany’s whereabouts, her search broadened to hopeless proportions. How was she supposed to find her? She could be anywhere. Hawke could barely think straight as she applied pressure with two fingers to the bridge of her nose and sighed heavily with dejection.

"I could go on for ages giving you our sympathies, but I know that's not what you need right now. You want answers,” Anne started, eyeing her friend with concern. “But, you know how Bethany is. She knows how to get herself out of danger. When we were young you and your father taught her how to hide in case Templars came to the village searching for Apostates. You did well. She’s good at—"

That's when Anne perked up instantly as if she had seen the fire of Andraste with her own eyes.

"Lothering!" she burst out in a shrill tone loud enough to make everyone in the room go deaf.

Hawke was rubbing her ear when Anne jumped up then grabbed her by the shoulders. As if her head wasn't hurting enough, now her ears were ringing. The blonde's big blue eyes were just inches from Hawke's, with nothing but a buoyant grin spread across her face. "You should go to Lothering!"

"Lothering?" Hawke repeated in a daze, thrown off by Anne’s sudden outburst. It came out of nowhere and it took her awhile to process what her friend was getting at.

"Yes! Lothering! Remember when we would all play Escape the Templars? We would try to find the best hiding places. We always found Bethany in that small cave by the stream. It’s so well hidden, one wouldn't even know it existed unless you were _really_ searching."

The grip Anne had on Hawke seized, allowing her words to sink in.

Hawke stared for a moment, mulling over the possibility in silence. She wanted to believe her. The idea of Bethany alone and waiting in whatever remained of Lothering felt like another wild goose chase, but what other option did she have?

"I remember the cave." Her tone seemed distant and not nearly as excited as Anne had hoped. Hawke was more than ready to go rushing out the door to find her sister, but the string of bad luck she encountered lately wasn't allowing her to express much confidence.

Landion exchanged a glance with his wife before setting a squirming Boris on the floor and doing his best to encourage Hawke with the only thing he had to offer. Words. The elf was gifted with them; a required quality for a merchant if he were to be successful. “If anyone can find her, it’s you. Look at all you have accomplished despite what you’ve been through,” he started, his voice soothing and gentle. “There’s nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it. You just have to believe in that and believe Bethany is strong enough to make it until you get to her. Don’t give up on her. She’s out there somewhere. I can feel it. Lothering is as good a place to start as any. Have a little faith in yourself Marian. We all do,” he finished, his face lit up with a warm smile.

Landion was kind to reassure her, but until Bethany was right in front of her Hawke would continue to be a worried mess. She had a long search in front of her and the sooner she completed it, the sooner she could get to Skyhold to attend to dire matters. This meant she would have to cut her evening short with her friends and get to packing even though they had only just arrived. It would take them several days to travel to Lothering. They didn’t have time to waste.

A shame, seeing as it had been ages since she and her friends saw each other. Now she had to leave before they even got the chance to truly catch up. Perhaps once all of this was over she would come back, but for now she would not rest or let her guard down.

Anne read Hawke's expression and knew they had to say goodbye soon. She was sad about her impending departure, but she understood how important it was to find Beth. Anne smiled brightly to keep the mood positive and silently excused herself to gather up left overs. She would send them off with as much as she could pack up so they would have one more meal ready for them. It was the least she could do.

Ash examined Hawke, hoping that their host’s words made a difference to her. He wasn’t good with sentiment the way Landion and Anne seemed to be, so in this moment he was glad to be in their company. If he tried to comfort her, he would most likely say something too harsh or inconsiderate. That was the last thing Hawke needed.

Small hands touched his knees while his attention was elsewhere and he looked down to find his new tail staring up at him yet again. It seemed he would not escape the child tonight no matter how hard he tried. He sighed softly and carefully brushed the tiny fingers away, looking up when Landion addressed his son.

“Boris. Leave the man alone Len. I apologize Ash. He seems quite fascinated with you.”

Ash shrugged slightly and looked back down at the bright, wide eyes turned his way. The child wasn’t so bad once you got used to the ceaseless attention he showered upon you. He assumed that was just the way of children since he didn’t know for certain.

“It’s…fine,” he replied, watching the toddler reach up for him and grab at air. He had never been in a situation where a small helpless creature wanted so much of his time. It made him feel odd inside and he wasn’t sure how to process it. He did not want to insult the family who were so gracious to Hawke by proverbially shoving the boy away, so he just accepted the child’s insistent behavior. They would be leave soon anyway so he only had to endure it awhile longer. “It—he wants me to pick him up. What do I do?”

Landion smiled warmly then, running curious eyes over their large guest. “Well....if you’re gentle, you may carry him. Watch out though, he’s a hair puller.”

Ash blinked at the man, surprised by the response. How could the he trust him with his flesh and blood? One could tell by looking at Ash that he was not a gentle or nurturing man, so why was Boris’ father so calm about him handling his child? He swallowed hard, feeling pressured to accept the invitation now that he opened the door for the option.

He managed an awkward smile and eyed Boris, not sure how to hold him even if he did pick him up. How had Landion done it before dinner? The baby was now flailing his arms up towards him and fussing, frustrated that he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Ash didn’t know what he would do if the small thing started crying so he did the best he could, lifting him off his feet until he was face to face with the drooling specimen. Boris somehow found the action amusing and squealed out a peel of laughter before placing sticky hands on Ash’s cheeks. He grimaced, but allowed the action, just as curious about the child as the child was with him. He would need a bath later. Make that two.

When Anne returned with the packed provisions the first thing she laid eyes on was the grey giant suspending her child midair. Her little toddler seemed completely at ease with Ash so she relaxed and watched. He was extremely curious to inspect every aspect of the horned man's facial features while being suspended several feet off the ground. Ash couldn’t even hold him without looking panicked. She wasn't sure if laughing at the spectacle would discourage the Qunari so she kept quiet. At least he was trying. She glanced to Hawke instead and the two couldn't contain their smiles.

Boris explored the giant's face with his pudgy fingers, feeling every rough contour. He seemed incredibly excited now that he had Ash's full attention, determined to soak as much of it up as possible. His infant eyes roamed upwards and fixated on the horns on either side of Ash’s head, widening when he realized just how large they were up close. Unable to hold back his youthful curiosity, he made an anxious noise and tried to move upwards to touch them, causing Ash to break the smallest of smiles.

Today was full of strange events. He wore silk, ate with an elf and his family, made a move on Hawke, and now he was holding a baby. A baby that currently had a hold of his ear. When he brought Boris closer like he saw Landion do earlier, his tiny hands immediately flew everywhere they could reach. It was actually amusing, and not just for him. He could hear the boy’s parents holding back laughter as he grabbed at his hair and horn with his free hand while making exciting giggling sounds. He was happy in this moment he no longer wore earrings, because he was certain Boris would have ripped them out. One time was painful enough.

Ash prided himself on being a stoic man, unaffected by most things. After a few moments of the little guy cooing in his face and laughing, that went out the window. For a short time, he forgot the seriousness of their visit and smiled. Not the small smirk he was known for giving once in a while, but a full smile brought on by the addictive excitement Boris displayed. He even made faces and sounds back, earning even more giggles from the small creature in his arms. When his hair was suddenly tugged hard, he cocked his head to the side and chuckled. The boy had a solid grip for such a tiny thing. Ash sort of liked him.

“Boris, what did we say about hair pulling?” Landion warned, amused but not enough to allow his son to break the rules.

Boris flinched and let go of the handful of white locks he had a hold of, but quickly forgot the scolding when he looked up to see Ash smiling at him. Apparently that was the baby’s goal all along. He appeared to be satisfied with what he accomplished as he yawned and dropped his head to lean it against Ash’s large chest. Ash was surprised by the action and how quickly the boy’s demeanor changed. He didn’t know how he was comfortable laying against his hard skin, but somehow he relaxed while sucking on his own tiny hand.

Ash swallowed and slowly looked to Hawke, remembering there were other people in the room once more. She was staring at him and he felt slightly embarrassed. It was unlike him to carry on with a child in such a way, or anyone for that matter. It seemed babies possessed some sort of strange power that made grumpy old former Qunari’s behave like cooing fools. He swallowed hard and smiled down at her, hoping she wouldn’t poke fun at him later for this.

The small smirk Hawke returned was weak, but there was no way she could avoid it seeing him hold a baby; even with her heart heavy. It was as pleasant as it was shocking that the former Arishok would do such a thing. This was a huge moment for him and she hoped her slight grin was enough to satisfy. She had seen him do many unexpected things this evening. If only she could show more appreciation for them, especially his efforts in showing his feelings. Her mind was too wrought with worry to do so. She was grateful for the few minutes of happiness and peace she received being with him and friends, but now it was time to get back to business.

She stood to let the others know she intended to leave, causing Anne to jump up immediately and go for Boris. Ash gave the child up without hesitation, keeping his eyes on the little half-asleep being for a few moments longer before following Hawke’s lead. He was eager to get out of this cramped overly warm place, though less so now that he made a tiny friend. Did all kids grow on people so quickly? Or was he even softer than he feared?

“Just let me get him in his crib then I’ll be right out,” Anne told them before disappearing into the back in a rush.

Landion took that moment to gather Hawke’s coat and offer to place it on her with a reassuring expression. Boris must not have put up much of a fuss because Hawke barely had enough time to slip her arms into its sleeves before Anne was back in front of them, giving her a warm embrace. 

Hawke smiled slightly at how tightly her friend clung to her and returned the hug with a soft sigh, wishing she didn’t have to let go. "I do hate to cut this dinner so short. It’s just--"

Before she could finish her sentiment, Anne shook her head in protest, a tear or two streaming down her cheeks.

"Not a peep about it, Marion. We understand. I'm just as eager for Beth to be found as you are. She’s like a little sister to me. It would be an absolute tragedy if anything were to happen to her," she told her, happy that Hawke hugged her back. She was not an overly affectionate person unless she really meant it. 

Hawke nodded her head, fighting back tears. A part of her wanted to stay and talk long into the night to catch up on everything she missed. How long would it be before she got to see them again? _If_ she ever saw them again. Who knew if she would even survive Corypheus a second time? The first time she faced him, he nearly mowed her down.

She glanced to Ash at the thought, absolutely sure at this point that he would fight by her side. He was as formidable a foe as any she had faced. With him by her side, she stood a better chance. The image of him going up against the evil Darkspawn sent a shiver through her. That would be a fight for the ages.

She cleared her throat and shoved the image to the back of her mind before focusing on Anne once more. Now was not the time for fantasy. She finally released herself from the woman’s embrace and gripped her shoulders instead, knowing if she remained in her kind arms she would be tempted to stay. "Thank you for everything. I'll send word to you if I find her," Hawke promised, her voice somber.

" _When_ you find Bethany, you will let me know," Anne corrected, hiding her sadness with a beautiful smile. "Try not to worry so much."

“Yes, try to stay positive,” Landion interrupted, taking his own turn in giving Hawke a brief, but meaningful hug. “Thank you for stopping by and introducing us to your gentleman friend. We wish we could have been more of a help to you. You two take care of each other okay? The world out there is getting scary again.”

“I’ll keep her safe,” Ash responded, not even giving Hawke time to say anything. “I won’t let any harm come to her. We really must go. It’s important we leave by the cover of darkness. You’ve been kind to us, but I would ask of you one more favor. It’s very unlikely, but if anyone should come by asking if you have seen Wardens in the area, lie until you are blue in the face.”

His shoulders were squared now, all remnants of the gentle man who played with a baby gone from his disposition.

Landion nodded and wrapped his arm around Anne’s shoulders as they made their way toward the front door. “It’s done. Our lips are sealed,” he promised, earning a nod from his wife. The elf looked the taller man up and down before tilting his head to the side.

“If you are headed to Skyhold, you will need more to wear. The Frostbacks are freezing. I doubt even your thick skin would protect you. Might I offer you a parting gift, Ash? I traded supplies for a cloak made of Great Bear hide not too long ago. It’s spectacular, but much too large for any of my regular customers. Please accept it as a token of our thanks for looking after our friend.”

Ash froze and shot Hawke a gaze, but quickly looked back to Landion when he realized he was relying too heavily on her to give him all the answers to the new situations he faced. He couldn’t remember having ever received a gift. The only things he had ever owned were what he required to do his job and survive. What did one do when receiving a gift from an elf? Was he supposed to give one back? He hoped it wouldn’t be considered rude if he didn’t. What did he even have to provide?

The offer was important, he at least knew that, so he slowly nodded and cleared his throat. Great bears were majestic beasts and he would be honored to wear the cloak. Normally he wouldn’t don the skin of any animal he did not take down himself, but he was in no position to be principled over such small things any longer. When you had nothing, even a previously owned garment was more than good enough.

“Perfect!” Landion quipped before going to an old wooden chest not far from the door. “I think it was meant to go to you Ash. It’s so large, it’s almost as if it were tailored just for you.”

The cloak pulled out was enormous indeed and just as nice as their host claimed it to be. The smaller man was so short, he couldn’t even raise garment up for display without it dragging on the ground. Ash moved over and assisted him, taking the fur carefully and holding it up. It was thick, soft, and dark grey in color. He roamed his hand over the coat for a moment, very impressed with what he saw. Not only would it keep him warm, it would also suit his frame nicely and cloak him well in darkness. Overall, he was happy to have it in his possession. “Thank you. I will put this to good use.”

“You are very welcome. I hope to see you again someday. Something tells me Boris would like that as well,” Landion replied, before turning his twinkling gaze to Hawke. “You two had better go before my wife ties you up and keeps you prisoner.”

Hawke managed to laugh at the truth in Landion's comment, but teased no further as she normally would. Anne shoved her elbow in her husband's side and rolled her eyes, unable to hide her blush when he flashed her a dashing grin. The way they interacted with one another was delightful. Hawke would miss their smiling faces.

As much as it pained her to do so, she had to push their departure more quickly than she would have preferred. Time was too preciously short, especially if the Wardens were hunting them on account of Alistair. She didn’t want to put her friends at risk by lingering too long. She would never forgive herself if something happened to them.

She turned her gaze to Ash to see if he were ready to leave, pausing to watch him try on the bear pelt. It was quite the spectacle. It added even more mass to him which was both intimidating and inviting at the same time. Hawke couldn't help but imagine what it would feel like to wrap her arms around a fur covered Qunari; just another thing to add to her list of wants. That list was becoming quite lengthy and his vow to protect her only urged her feelings for him that much further.

His head turned suddenly and he caught her gaze, almost as if he sensed her eyes on him. It was a nice skill even if it did make it difficult for her to admire him from afar. She blushed and swallowed, but didn’t look away. He held her eyes back as he slid the fur from his shoulders and bundled it up underneath his arm. Sweet Maker, his stare. It drove her crazy. She wanted nothing more but to walk over to him and….do….things.

For now she was content with offering him a warm smile before thanking both Anne and Landion for their hospitality again. After saying everything they could in the way of goodbyes, she and her Qunari companion gathered on the porch outside, moving out into the crisp night air. Before they left, the Rogue turned on her heel to give her friends one last embrace; telling them she would see them again one day. She didn’t know if she would be able keep that promise, but she gave it anyway. One could hope, right?

After a few more saddened glances they were on their way, walking back down the street towards the hideout. Hawke shared a few parting waves with Anne until she turned a corner and they could no longer see each other. It left a sinking feeling in her stomach, but she forced it down. Anne was a part of her past and she didn’t have time to dwell in that world right now; as much as she wished she could go back to those days of naivety and innocence.

Ash saw her face fall the second they were out of view. He wanted to offer reassuring words the way her Elven friend had, but he didn’t think anything he could say would make a difference. He knew better than most people how much she carried on her shoulders. Words were only a temporary fix. Sometimes they offered comfort, but other times they meant nothing.

What Hawke really needed was for _something_ to go right for once. He knew the feeling. His life had been a whirlwind of shit for the last several years. They could both use something good. If finding her sister would do that for Hawke, he would make sure that happened. He didn’t even know what would make _him_ content, so for now her happiness was all he would concern himself with.

The moon was high in the Ferelden sky that evening. It illuminated the city around them and showered their skin in light. A perfect night for travel. The streets were also bare, much to his relief. Not only did the lack of people ease his anxiety, it also meant there wouldn’t be very many prying eyes around to witness them riding out. He didn’t know where Hawke would find horses at this time of night, but she had her ways. Perhaps she had already made arrangements.

He snuck another glance her way, noting the way she looked while there was nobody around to catch him staring. He doubted she would appear so womanly again; at least not for a long time. He smiled slightly as he examined her hair. When they left for supper earlier in the evening it had been perfectly styled. Now, it was trying hard to go back to its wild ways. She couldn’t control the unruly locks even when she tried. It hadn’t yet fallen back into her face, but framed her glowing features instead. Slight waves went in several directions as if they had a mind of their own. He liked it.

He wanted to tell her she looked nice; he really did. Perhaps she would like to hear such a thing. But, when his mouth opened all that came out was, “You left the food.”

It was a stupid thing to say, but it distracted away from the fact that he was admiring her. It wasn’t as if he had been doing a good job of hiding it, but he still didn’t want to admit it. Why, he did not know. Would it really change anything if he did? If he told her he thought she were visually pleasing? Surely she already knew how beautiful she was.

“Andraste's shit!" Hawke cursed aloud, placing a palm against her forehead in frustration.

She completely came to a halt and weighed her options. How could she have forgotten such a generous offering? Regret made her want to go back, but she knew if she did it would only take up time they didn’t have. She took a moment to look back and give it some thought, but had to force herself to decide against it. Her goal to leave Denerim tonight was beginning to feel out of reach, but it had to be done.

“Leave it. No time,” she answered with a quiet sigh, trudging forward again. She didn’t even know if they would have enough time to pack up and get going before the sun rose. She tried to visualize a plan in her mind to make things go faster, but it was difficult to pay any attention to anything other than Ash at the moment.

The first words to come from his mouth weren't exactly what she was hoping to hear. What she wanted to hear was....well, that didn't really matter. But, his mixed signals the past few days were digging under her skin. The move he made at the dinner table struck her heart like lightning. Now, he seemed content on being silent about it even though his gesture spoke volumes. He could at least explain his actions before they were no longer alone. The fact that he would rather talk about food irked her. Hawke wanted answers, even if the timing wasn't appropriate.

"So are you going to explain why you thought it appropriate to grope my leg at dinner tonight?"

Hawke wasn't upset about it. In fact, she loved feeling him touch her so that wasn’t the issue. Rather, she hoped her sarcasm and accusing tone, along with her crossed arms, would be enough to pry the truth from him. She knew he had been fighting feelings; there was no way he could deny it now. After all their close calls her patience was wearing thin. Of course, she was just as guilty as him for concealing her own romantic thoughts. No more; she was sick of the games. He wasn’t going to say anything, so why not be the one to question their relationship?

Ash snorted and stopped, furrowing his brow and shooting her a baffled look. “Grope you? I did no such thing.”

His voice was icy, but it was merely a façade. He was actually hurt that she would accuse him of such an act. Placing his hand on her leg was daring, sure, but calling it a grope was a bit much. It wasn’t as if he shoved his fingers between her thighs or touched her in unmentionable areas.

He snorted at her and turned his head away, irritated with her now. It took a lot of mental struggling for him to get the point where he was bold enough to show her affection in such a way. He told himself so many times not to do it, but in the end these feelings inside of him won out. Apparently feelings made you stupid. Either that, or he was even more naïve when it came to reading human signals than he thought. If all the signs she gave him didn’t mean she would welcome his affection, then what _did_ they mean?

He started walking again with a grumble, not giving her an answer. If she couldn’t tell the difference between a grope and a gentle touch, then he wasn’t going to stand here all night explaining it to her. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just get back to Zevran’s and pack up.”

Hawke blinked, tilting her head with a small smile. His Qunari attitude was almost adorable and not very surprising. It almost made her laugh, but she held it back in case he were truly offended. There was no sense in making things worse. She didn’t mean to upset him; only pester him a bit to lighten the mood. Most people in her life appreciated her candor, but in this case perhaps she had disregarded the seriousness of the situation.

As he walked past her, she grabbed him by the arm and prayed to the Maker he wouldn't react negatively towards the action. Her grip stopped him and he didn't try to pull away; a good sign. She guided him back into facing her again, but he still looked annoyed with her fabricated violation.

"Can't even tell when I'm teasing, Ash? I thought you knew me better than that. You need to lighten up," she said in a subtly flirtatious tone. "I must admit it was a bold move, but confusing to say the least."

He frowned and looked down at her eyes, even more vexed by her playful manner. It was a relief to know she wasn’t really put off, but making light of something he struggled with still didn’t sit right with him. The corners of his mouth dropped further and he brushed her hand away. “I don’t wish to be teased and I most certainly do not need to lighten up. It _was_ very confusing, and nothing to make fun of. Whatever is happening between us may not be a serious thing to you, but for me it is. Do you think I go around touching _anyone_ the way I touched you tonight? Getting too close to a person within the Qun results in reeducation.”

Hawke felt the weight of his words hit her in the gut. His austere confession unsettled her, but she was just as stubborn as him. She would not back down. "I understand what you've been through. And I understand your insecurities, but you don’t have to worry about the Qun anymore."

She waited for a response, but Ash said nothing so she continued, "Contrary to what you think, I take my feelings very seriously. Which is why I am comfortable enough to make light of the situation. I rather enjoy the way you touch me. It hasn't been easy for me to save face all the time. I get just as nervous as you do. It's because I have so many feelings for you that I act this way. This is who I am. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable and use sarcasm to cover emotion. If you care about me at all you'll learn to tell the difference. How do you expect me to understand you if you don't learn to understand me?"

“You think I haven’t been trying?!” he shot back, much louder than he would have liked. He was letting emotion get the best of him again so he took a long breath and pushed a hand across his jaw, trying to calm himself. How this woman managed to get him so riled up with very little effort never ceased to amaze him. He glanced back at her and sagged his shoulders slightly, deferring to her before the tension could increase further.

“I have,” he continued, softer this time. “It’s not easy. Your actions confuse me more often than naught. I didn’t understand you back then, and I don’t understand you now. I don’t understand _anything_ about humans or what it means to live for myself or,” his voice trailed off and he sighed almost silently, his gaze dropping to the ground, “have feelings. They were useless to me for my entire life.”

He paused then, taking a few seconds to lift his head and stare at her. Something she said rang out in his brain and he couldn’t help but focus on it. The words made his insides turn, a feeling he wasn’t sure was good or bad. How could a mere sentence or two cause such happenings within him?

“You said you enjoy my touch….”

Hawke was ready for a counter strike, but his last words were anything but aggressive. She blinked and nervously dropped her eyes, catching herself in a very awkward position. Was this a trick? No. Ash wasn't much of a jokester if she learned anything from this argument.

An argument that would damage her pride if she let him win. She hated it whenever he snapped at her and he needed to know that wasn’t okay. He had gotten away with mistreating her in the past because he showed small glimmers of emotion to make up for it. He was a different person now so that old tactic was no longer useful, at least not in her eyes.

"Yes," she confirmed, her voice barely above a whisper.

She wanted to give in now that he was doing that thing with his eyes where he looked as if he wanted to devour her, but she refused to fall for it this time. She turned her head from his hypnotic gaze and cleared her tightening throat. "That's not the point. You think the little affection you do give makes up for all the moments you've distanced yourself from me. Is it easier to snap and shun me for days than admit you are feeling the exact same way I am?"

Now that it was all coming out, Hawke couldn't help but express the issues she'd been having no matter how direct, "That feels great, by the way. So tell me Ash? How am I supposed to react when one second you can't keep your eyes off of me, and the next you treat me as if I have some contagious disease?"

She began pacing back and forth; a habit whenever she started to ramble. "I never know if you're interested. And you and I both know what happened last night. You tried to kiss me. Don't you dare pretend like you didn't."

He watched her move back and forth, frozen in place from her words. His heart was pounding in his chest over her words. This was the exact thing he’d been trying to avoid; but in reality he knew this conversation was inevitable. He may not know much about her kind, but he did know they felt a strong urge to talk about sentimental things. What did it say about him that he was flooding with relief over it? He’d been searching for ways to talk about it himself, only he was too cowardly to do so; or too afraid of the consequences. He wasn’t sure if he was okay with being more like a human, but he honestly didn’t care in this moment.

She was right. His pride was wounded by that acknowledgment, but he didn’t care about that either. He _had_ been taking the easy way out of this. He didn’t want to talk about what was happening between them because then it would be too real; more real than anything he had experienced on his own. It was frightening to be on the verge of jumping into something that wasn’t predetermined for you. For once in his life he didn’t know what would happen. He didn’t know what repercussions his actions would cause. He didn’t even know what he was going to do a week from now. It was rather thrilling if he really thought about it. He had freedom. The freedom to do anything he wanted.

Until this very second, he wasn’t even sure what that was. But, as he watched the small raven haired woman before him pace, something inside of him revealed itself in perfect clarity. She wanted to know if he were interested?

“I’m not pretending,” he finally answered, causing her to pause and look up at him.

He barely remembered doing it, but somehow he managed to grab her by both arms and pull her up towards him until she was nearly off of her feet. He felt her entire body tense in his hands and just as she opened her mouth to release a startled gasp, his own lips were cutting it off and pressing to hers heatedly. The kiss was too rough and wild, but he had waited so long to do this he no longer cared to be subtle.

Hawke’s eyes widened to near impossible proportions and she shouted curses repeatedly inside of her head. It took her several seconds to even realize what was happening. At first she thought he would toss her down the street, or something equally horrible. He was _definitely_ not doing that.

Her heart pounded so rapidly out of control she was afraid she would break a rib. Or, maybe that had already happened when he slammed her against the broadness of his hard, muscular chest. His mouth was hungry for hers and the need in his kiss overwhelmed her. The sensation of his breath releasing into her throat was completely intoxicating and unexpected.

Shame on her for underestimating him. His embrace was constricting and his kiss strong. She had nearly forgotten how powerful he was. It took her back to the day they challenged one another to battle. His mere footsteps were enough to knock her onto her ass. It aroused her then, too. Granted, this was a completely different circumstance, but that day was still burned into her memories.

Now he was practically grabbing said ass. His massive hands explored all of her curves with an intense boldness she did not expect from him. It was foreign, yet thrilling to have his hands on her; only a sliver of fabric between her skin and his invigorating touch. The fact that he was doing this in the middle of a public street under the cover of darkness only made it more exiting. A person could turn the corner and walk right up on them. It made her feel like a promiscuous teenager again.

The initial shock took a moment to dissolve in her system before she allowed herself to reciprocate properly. Her arms flew around him as far as she could reach and she did her best to keep up with the frantic way his mouth moved. They were so desperate to get as many kisses in as possible she could barely breathe in between each one. It had been ages since she experienced such a sensual encounter, but she didn’t want to think about that right now. She didn’t want to think about anything. Now was not the time to take a trip down memory lane.

She ran her hands over him just as urgently; trying to find the right place to grab onto. There were so many delicious places to choose from she could scarcely make up her mind, so she attempted to touch them all instead. His muscles felt amazing under her fingers and it delighted her that she was finally able to explore them without fear of being turned away.

Her mind, heart, and body were in a frenzy. She soon became so lost in the moment, half of Denerim’s citizens could have walked by and she wouldn’t have noticed. His starved demand for her to surrender every part of mouth to him caused several aroused moans to escape her throat. They were moving way too fast, but a part of her didn’t care. Okay, _most_ of her didn’t care.

Unsure of how she managed it within the confines of his iron grasp, Hawke glided her hands over the exposed skin of his chest, traced the hollow of his neck, and then gripped the sides of his chiseled face. His tongue slid along hers and sent lightening up her spine, as if he possessed a wicked form of magic. She parted her lips more to grant him further access, entranced by the erotic movements.

After several breathless moments, she sensed his tension ease and his shoulders relax. His pace seemed less aggressive and his kisses became more hesitant, making her think he would pull away. There was no way in Oblivion she would let go now that this moment had finally come, so she wrapped her arms around his neck and held on for as long as he would allow it.

The way she clung to him only pulled Ash further into their impassioned kisses, despite the reservations developing now that he had time to contemplate what he was doing. Having her pressed against him, her mouth and hands matching the intensity of his own, overwhelmed his senses until he could barely think straight. The need to fight against his loss of control was strong within him, but the urge to continue exploring the wonders of their tangling mouths overpowered it.

He had only kissed another once or twice in his lifetime and they differed completely from what he shared with Hawke now. When he was Arishok, and even before, men or women were assigned to him with the sole purpose of easing whatever stress or sexual frustrations he had at the time. Any kisses he may have shared with these individuals were merely a rough, emotionless way to get things started. It was sexual gratification, nothing more. There was no embracing, no holding, and definitely no cross breeding. The elven and human wards of the Qun had been strictly off limits, even to him. 

What he was doing now with the soft, warm human woman in his arms would have earned him a great deal of punishment if he were still back in Par Vollen. Knowing this made their contact seem wrong and forbidden. It also made it that much more enticing. He had never danced with prohibited actions before and now that he was, he couldn’t stop himself. He now understood why the Qun banned such behavior. It was incredibly distracting and made it impossible to focus on what one was supposed to be doing. 

He couldn’t even recall what they should be doing _now_ as his hands slid farther down to rest against the small of her back. Somewhere along the way, their interaction took a different course from rough and frenzied to slow and exploratory. When he first laid his mouth against hers, all he wanted was the base satisfaction of getting what he wanted from her. He only sought relief from the plaguing and improper thoughts he had of her. He thought that if he could just get it out of the way, it wouldn’t nag at him any longer.

He was certain now that he was wrong.

How could this one moment possibly be enough? Now that the flood gates were open he wanted more than he could perceive. For the first time he was doing something completely self-serving and it felt _good_. How would he ever be able to resist doing this again now that he had already given into temptation? He was a stupid man with no self-control.

For the moment he was okay with that.

For the moment, the softness of her lips was enough to quell any doubts he had.

The way they massaged against his made his head swim and his spine tingle. How was such a light, gentle action so pleasurable? This was far different from his past experiences. This was intimate. And that scared the shit out of him.

He had no idea what he was doing, but knowing it was with her gave him all the incentive he needed to continue forward. There was no one else here to witness his flash of weakness; nobody here to judge him. He was free to hold Hawke against him and take everything she was willing to give him in this brief moment in time.

Who knew if it would even happen a second time? What if they never got another chance no matter how strong the need? What if uncertainty won out and they decided it shouldn’t happen again? If this was the only chance he would have to do this with her, then he didn’t want to waste the opportunity.

He slowly reached a hand upwards and gripped the side of her head, pulling her even further into their steamy kiss. The velvety sounds she made only sent his mind further into a thick haze and he responded with a throaty groan of his own. Their hot, labored breaths mingled and their fingers gripped at each other in an attempt to keep the other there, locked in their embrace, for as long as possible.

He could feel the way she trembled in his arms and hear her heart pound in her chest with his acute senses. His lips were starting to feel raw and his chest burned from lack of air, but neither of them made a move to stop. Both fought desperately to postpone the inevitable moment when they would have to end this and float back down to reality.

Hawke was prepared to do anything he desired of her just to keep him here in this moment. His mouth and movements were rhythmic and alluring, completely hypnotizing her. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced in a first kiss. Her heart pounded thunderously in her chest as she clung to him and her skin prickled with arousal. How was he so damn good at this? And why hadn’t they done this sooner?

Her feet touched fully back to the ground as Ash’s grip eased, scaring her more than anything. The fear of losing this feeling and never experiencing it again caused a slight panic to pool in her chest. Ash was the type of man to let his ideals make a majority of his decisions. The possibility of him not allowing himself to falter again was strong. She grasped at his tunic with both hands, claiming him in her own way to keep this experience from ending. She didn’t want to leave this fantasy just yet.

Unfortunately, distance forced itself between them and soon his lips part from hers. Hawke kept her eyes closed for several seconds, too afraid to see him disappear from her life forever. The connection they shared was so intense and perfect, his parting left her with a sense of loss. 

Once she built up the courage, she allowed her lids to flutter open slowly, surprised to see his face still inches from hers. The dreamy look in his eyes made her melt all over again. That was not the gaze of a man ready to run screaming. Even though his mouth no longer claimed her own, his arms encompassed her warmly, keeping her close against him. She flooded with relief and relaxed in his embrace, forgetting any worry she had.

Their breathing was slow, but heavy. Hawke found herself locked in his gaze, unable to control the grin catching the corners of her mouth. Ash seemed to be at a loss for words, or he was merely taking his time accepting what they allowed to happen. The gratified expression forming on his face stained her cheeks red with a blush and filled her with tingles. Her entire body felt as if it were on fire and she ached for more of him. The effect he had on her was quite impressive.

"Well then," Hawke released a long, shaken breath; her hands pressing gently to his chest, "I should call your bluff more often."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! It took us quite awhile to get this chapter written but we hope we more than made up for it with extra content. This is our longest chapter to date! Thank you to all of those who patiently waited for us to get our butts in gear and for your loyalty with the story. Also, shout out to our buddy Dustin for naming the chapter. 
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> TheChampion04 decided to draw the moment I'm sure most of you have been waiting for. That steamy kiss *fans self* Didn't she do an amazing job? Whew
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> Also! As an added bonus, she also decided to do a family portrait of Landion, Anne, and baby Boris. Aren't they a lovely family? Hehe 
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> To see more of TheChampion04's art, click [HERE](http://clarice04.deviantart.com/)
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> To join our Bioware group on Facebook click [ HERE](https://www.facebook.com/groups/biowareownsmysoul/)
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> To visit KristaRabbit's Tumblr click [ HERE](http://kristarabbit.tumblr.com/)


	8. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My heart had been touched by him, battered by him, cradled by him as the days passed. He was cruel without meaning to be yet he was kind, and I needed him too much to let myself want him.” ― Mackenzie Herbert, Chasing Trains

The ride to Lothering was a pain in all asses involved; literally and figuratively. Hawke managed to procure steeds while in Denerim in record time; proving that people would do backflips to please anyone who threw around enough coin. They left with a few hours of darkness remaining, just as they wanted. After days of riding hard on their new mounts, Ash was unsure he would ever be able to walk straight again.

It was a strenuous journey filled with attacking bandits and enough hills to last him a lifetime, but it was nearly over now. The remains of what he assumed to be Hawke’s childhood home loomed on the horizon in the distance as the sun dipped beneath it. He hoped Anne’s hunch would prove fruitful so Hawke would take pause and rest before she wore herself too thin.

Many times he or Alistair urged her to slow down, but she insisted they push forward despite the three of them being exhausted. He sensed she would have left them behind even if they decided to stop despite her orders. She was desperate and overly determined; a dangerous combination as far as the former Arishok was concerned.

He watched her ride ahead of the Warden and himself, noting how dejected and worn she appeared; even though he could only see her back. She leaned to the side and her head continually drooped before snapping upwards again; signs she struggled to keep herself awake. When had they slept last? Two days? More? Time was blurring together. He pursed his lip and straightened, shaking his head to push the sleep from his own mind.

He would make sure she stopped here to recharge even if they saw no sign of her sister; whether she proved willing or not. He needed to hunt so they could get something in their stomachs besides a bit of dried meat or fruit. Getting cleaned up wouldn’t be a bad idea either. Anybody tracking them would be able to smell them coming from a great distance if they didn’t bathe soon. Setting up camp was necessary. He would tie her to a tree if he had to.

Or possibly to himself.

What a treat that would be. They hadn’t come into close contact much since the brash and heated kiss they shared. After the glamour of it wore off, he suggested they take things slow from that point forward. He remained resolute to keep the focus on their mission; not romance. She didn’t argue, but she didn’t seem too happy with it either. Luckily, her mind was too preoccupied to give him much grief over his decision. For now. He was sure once their lives became less hectic, she would bring it up again. A part of him even wanted her to.

He was not against the idea of them. Despite his need for them to take things at a more unhurried pace, he didn’t push her away the few times she had come to him. They only shared mere seconds of privacy here and there so he didn’t worry about things going too far. In those moments he would take her hand, embrace her, or share a secret kiss while Alistair preoccupied himself elsewhere; nothing close to their first encounter. It felt odd for him to do such things, but he liked the pleasant sensation they gave him.

“You really shouldn’t be thinking filthy things about Hawke right out here in the open like this. What would people think?”

Ash snapped his head to the side; both embarrassed and irritated to have been caught daydreaming. The corners of his mouth dropped once he laid eyes on the smug expression the Warden carried. “What? I wasn’t—“

“Excuse me, but you were practically drooling down your chest while staring at her. Somehow I doubt you were thinking of knitting patterns.”

Ash snorted and then looked away, keeping his eyes off of Hawke this time. Alistair was insufferable, but it was a small relief to hear him finally speak. The closer they got to Lothering, the quieter the man had grown. The last time he said a word was well over a day ago. He didn’t talk about Bethany much, but the few times he did it became apparent he valued her friendship a great deal. He supposed when one spent so many years in the company of a comrade, a certain level of attachment formed. If she was not in Lothering, Hawke wouldn’t be the only one affected.

He wondered what would become of himself and Hawke should they spend a vast amount of time together. The future was full of unknowns; enough to drive him crazy. Would they be in each other’s lives once business with Corypheus and the Inquisition came to an end? Would they even make it out of this alive? Would they continue to explore the nature of their connection? Or stop it before it could ever happen?

He sighed and pushed such thoughts from his mind. He was slowly learning not to dwell on what was to come for long. Trying to predict forthcoming events was nothing but a nuisance, so he focused once again on the man riding beside him. Ash didn’t know what went through his mind, but if it were enough to make such a talkative person silent and dismal, it couldn’t be good. Perhaps his talking now indicated his spirits had lifted.

But, just because he found his voice again didn’t mean it was okay for him to bring up the relationship Ash and Hawke did or did not have. It was none of his business and his incessant goading and pushing only made things more awkward.

“Keep your thoughts to yourself, Warden.”

“I have been in case you didn’t notice.”

“Not until I realized the throbbing headache you gave me had disappeared.”

“That wasn’t me. You gave that to yourself by ogling Hawke too vigorously. If you stared any harder you’d strain something. Her clothes aren’t going to fly off by themselves if you look long enough, you know.”

Ash made an exasperated sound and aimed a warning glance his way, hissing through his teeth, “Will you keep your voice down?! She’ll hear you.”

“And would that really be so bad?” Alistair shot back; apparently no longer intimidated by the giant beside him. “Perhaps she’d like to know you can’t keep your mind off of her. The way you carry on, she probably thinks you don’t want her. You have no idea how to deal with women, do you?”

Ash exhaled heavily and shook his head, wishing it would be acceptable for him to knock Alistair right off his horse. “Do you remember that thing you were doing where your mouth remained closed? Keep doing that.”

Alistair only shrugged and turned his gaze forward again; a small smirk stuck on his lips. Ash grumbled and tried to focus on the ground, or anywhere not straight ahead where he could come into visual contact with her. What did Alistair know anyway? He probably repelled most women by annoying them to death. Though, if Ash understood correctly, the Warden had been involved with the Hero of Ferelden before she died, so that gave him one up on Ash. He was much more experienced than the once Arishok; whose grand total in the relationship area added up to zero.

He slowly looked back over; unable to believe he was asking this, “Am I really that awful? What would you have me do differently?”

Alistair perked right up then and grinned so broadly it made half of his face scrunch up. As if to add dramatic flair, he then pointed his finger right at Ash and wagged it around in an accusing manner. “Ha! I knew it. All you did was deny deny deny, but I knew you were hankering for a piece of the Hawke even when we were back in Denerim. Not as dumb as I look, am I?”

Ash stared. “What?”

“Never mind. The first thing you want to do is stop treating Hawke like she’s a secret. You’re adults and you aren’t going to get in trouble if you’re caught holding hands. You think I don’t know what you two do when I’m not within earshot?”

Ash cringed, but released a defeated sigh before turning his eyes back towards the raven haired woman several paces in front of them. “I didn’t think it was that obvious.”

“Please. A blind man could see the way you two look at each other. Are you ashamed of her?”

“What? Of course not. Don’t ask stupid questions.”

“Then why try to hide her away from people like you don’t want to be seen with her? Maybe you’re ashamed of yourself.”

Ash paused then, not sure how to answer that. He didn’t like being put on trial, but had to acknowledge the question as a good one. He most definitely was not ashamed of Hawke. She was a beautiful woman. Beyond that, there was something about her he couldn’t resist. She had to be special if he wanted to throw his ideals away for her and ignore the voice in his head that told him being with a human was wrong; that being with _anyone_ was wrong.

He looked back to Alistair, his brow knit with thought. Perhaps the problem _was_ with himself. He kept giving so many excuses as to why he and Hawke would not work, but were any of them legitimate reasons? Or were they just his way of hiding yet again from the world he did not understand? He still carried the mentality that the Qun would punish him if he were to do certain things. It was as if his old life haunted him no matter how far away he got from it.

His lips pursed. The last thing he wanted to do was admit that Alistair was right, but he would give credit where credit was due. “That is feasible. I was told my entire life that giving into emotion for another _would_ bring me shame…along with many other self-serving behaviors…”

Alistair stared at him for a time, the smartass look on his face replaced with something more thoughtful. When he finally spoke, his voice held the serious tone he reserved only for certain situations. “As I told you once before, I traveled with a Qunari man during the Blight. I saw how fully the Qun controls their life and actions. But…you aren’t a part of the Qun anymore. I don’t know why you left, but it I’m sure you have your reasons. What they taught you was useful in your old life, but you have to learn a new way to survive now. You don’t have to let your past keep you from having a future. Trust me, I know that better than anyone. Sometimes life gives you a chance to start over. All you can do is take that chance and run with it.” He paused, turning his gaze to Hawke. “You and her could turn out to be a disaster, who knows? But, you could also be really good for each other. You’ll never find out unless you try.”

Ash watched her ride for a moment, knowing he should listen to this strange little human’s advice. His words made sense; ironic, considering he would have laughed at such sentiment a few years ago. He honestly had no idea what he was doing when it came to the woman before him, but maybe Alistair was right. What was the harm in at least trying? If it did go up in flames, it would just be one more thing to add to his pile of failures. He would heal from that wound just as he had all others.

He glanced sideways, eyeing the Warden with an inquiring gaze. “When did you suddenly become wise?”

“Oh I’m a damn genius. I just pretend to be dumb. People expect less from you that way.”

Ash smirked slightly, tilting his head. “Is that so?”

“Oh yes. You can never disappoint if the expectations weren’t that high to begin with.”

“You’re a peculiar man, Alistair.”

“One of my many fine qualities. Now let’s catch up before we start hugging each other.”

Ash watched him ride ahead with a slightly amused expression. He started out despising the Warden, but he wasn’t so bad once you got past all the annoying behaviors. The trick to getting along with him was patience. Lots and lots of patience. Perhaps an occasional drink.

He released a breath and kicked his steed into a slow trot, closing the gap between himself and Hawke. He didn’t have far to go. She was no longer moving forward; only sitting as still as a statue. When he pulled up beside her he understood why.

The scene before them was a sad one indeed. They sat at the outskirts of what was once a flourishing village. All that remained were the decaying ruins to tell the story of what happened here so many years ago. Most of the buildings were now rubble, covered in moss and vines as nature did its best to reclaim them as its own.

The small smile on his face vanished once he looked over to see the unhappy look in Hawke’s eyes. This was her home. Now there was nothing left but the memories she held of her childhood. He sighed softly and scanned the area, noting a small circle of tents and carts not too far away. It seemed the fallen city of Lothering was not completely abandoned. From what he could tell, the carts belonged to merchants. Perhaps this spot was now used as a resting spot for travelers. Or maybe the campers were bandits disguised as merchants. He would keep his eyes on them as they ventured further in.

“Are you okay Hawke?” Alistair asked after several moments of silence; distracting Ash momentarily from the possible threat of danger to look at her with concern. This couldn’t be easy for her.

She took a deep breath and shut her eyes, hoping when she opened them the land that once flourished would be there. When she did, it was still as tainted and desolate as it had been since the blight destroyed it. It caused her chest to tighten to the point where breathing became a problem, but she pushed the heartache away. Now was not the time to grieve.

She moved on from this place a long time ago; left all her childhood memories behind to be strong for her family. Even they were gone now. She would have nothing left to connect her to these ruins if she didn’t find her sister.  The thought made her cringe, but she used what little strength she had left to hold onto hope she would soon be reunited with her.

She gripped her reigns tighter to calm her shaking hands before turning to Alistair with a cold expression. "The cave, if I remember correctly, is that way."

Hawke pointed straight to the North; completely ignoring Alistair's sympathetic concern. Nothing she could do would change the condition Lothering was in now, so she didn't want to waste time discussing it.

The rogue rode ahead, passing by her Qunari companion without a word or glance. She didn't want him to see the pain in her eyes. All she wanted was to find Bethany. If she went to him he might offer comfort, but the idea of it lacked appeal now that they agreed to keep their distance; and with good reason.

They both needed to be focused; not just for Bethany's sake, but for their own. The kiss back in Denerim replayed over and over in her mind throughout their journey. That in itself distracted her enough. If they showered each other with too much affection it would only make things worse.

Despite their distance, though, Ash had been no less of a gentleman. They still shared brief, intimate moments together, but they were tense and awkward. It was hard to relax while taking painstaking measures to not get carried away. Their longing for one another would only intensify the more they interacted. Even holding hands was almost too much for her to bear and made her ache for more.

How much longer until they gave in to their urges and lost themselves again? The very idea made her cheeks redden and her stomach fill with knots. She was happy her mount traveled ahead of the other two. Having her back to her companions hid her torment from them.

Sometime many days ago she decided the only thing she could do to keep herself sane was to become unapproachable and seclude herself. The resolution earned her more than a few concerned and confused glances, but she saw no other way. She had developed strong feelings for Ash; that was undeniable. They differed from what she harbored for Anders years ago. They were stronger and more pure than anything she remembered experiencing in her life. The relationship she shared with the mage proved unhealthy from the start, but with Ash it felt...right.

Hawke hesitantly looked over her shoulder to take a peek at her Qunari admirer, who rode in silence while staring out over the derelict wasteland. He and Alistair rode closer to her now that they ventured into known Darkspawn territory. Those bastards popped up from the earth when you least expected it, even this many years after the Blight.

If Bethany chose this place to hide, it was a risky decision on her part. Smart too. Nobody would expect a lone woman camping in such a dangerous area, but Hawke knew she could more than handle herself if she encountered any of the beasts; especially with her Grey Warden training. Even without it, Bethany was stronger than most people gave her credit for; a survivor through and through. Always had been.

Hawke swallowed hard before continuing onward through the crumbled remains of Lothering, praying to the Maker those presumptions revealed themselves to be true.

Ash took in his surroundings as they followed behind; trying to imagine what Lothering looked like before its destruction. It was hard to believe the crumbled and fallen buildings once housed an entire community. He glanced to Hawke once more and smiled sadly. A community she once called home. He pictured her as a young woman living out her early life here and wondered what would have come of her if the Darkspawn never came.

Would she have a husband? Children? Would she be running her own business? Perhaps she would have moved on to become a soldier or assassin. The possibilities were endless. She could have been anything, but somehow circumstances led her to a city far away from everything she knew; and right to him. It was a humbling concept to ponder if one really thought about it.

Out of all the decisions he and Hawke had made, every single one placed them exactly where they needed to be to enter each other’s lives. If even one thread had been out of place, they may be leading very different realities. What if her old lover never blew up the Chantry? Would she still be with him? What if he hadn’t attacked the city? Would he have remained the Arishok? Still be the cold heartless monster he was bred to be? If they never lost everything, would they still have connected the way they had?

Or perhaps it wasn’t that complicated. Maybe no matter what they did, they were always meant to find the other. He never gave much thought to fate before, but after everything that happened in their lives to bring them here he was starting to believe it real. The idea of unseen forces bringing her to him exactly when he needed her, and she him, made his chest tighten with awe. 

He kicked his horse into a short trot so he could ride beside her and look over at her face. She had been hiding it from him all day, but he needed to gaze upon her in this moment. When they found their way back into each other’s lives they were both steps away from giving up. Somehow they gave each other the strength they needed to carry on. She gave him a reason to live again.

Knowing that made him feel like an idiot for the things Alistair brought to light minutes ago. He tried to hide the one thing in his life that mattered and all because of what? Embarrassment? Pride? He was ashamed of himself now for trying to keep her a secret; even if only from one person. He still didn’t know what would come of them, but he was aware they shared deep emotions for one other that were difficult to understand. The Qun could no longer punish him for them, so why hide like a hunted animal? He wasn’t about to start groping her in front of everyone, but she deserved more than what he had been giving her.

He would take Alistair’s surprisingly good advice and show her how he felt more often. Starting now.

Moving his mount closer and reaching out to her made him unexpectedly nervous, but he pushed himself to get over it and stop being a coward. His hand wrapped around the back of her neck before she saw it coming and she flinched at his touch. Once her surprised eyes turned to his he looked right into them and ran his thumb lightly along her jaw.

Now that she was looking at him face to face for the first time that day, he saw the sadness and fear in her gaze. It made him feel even more selfish for only caring about his own insecurities and not offering her more comfort. He couldn’t change his actions, but he could try to make up for them. “If the worst happens when we reach that cave, I’ll be right here by your side to help you through it. Don’t lose hope.”

Words wouldn't leave her. There wasn't much hope left in Hawke’s heart, but hearing Ash’s reassurance lifted her spirits. She placed a gentle hand over his and searched his eyes, wondering where his gesture had come from. He never expressed adoration in front of anyone; he barely expressed it when they were alone. His effort to do so now warmed her heart and blinded her to doubt. His simple touch was a cure to the poison inside of her; a breath of fresh air.

Hawke straightened her posture and managed a small smile in response; feeling more motivated than she had in days. It amazed her how easily this man changed her mind and turned her thoughts inside out. Moments ago all she wanted was to be left alone. Now she would be perfectly content spending the rest of the day in his arms.

When they first left Kirkwall, Hawke couldn’t have been more confused about his feelings for her. In the many weeks since, they grew clearer with each passing day. He cared. His willingness to provide comfort didn’t come from obligation, nor by any contract, but from his own desire. That element alone proved how far he had come with his personal struggles. When she first met him long ago he would have never allowed himself to do anything that benefited him individually. The steamy kiss in Denerim that changed the dynamic between them never would have happened. She was grateful he found it within himself to get beyond the strict teachings of the Qun.

As she gazed at the warm stare he held for her now, her heart melted. She wanted to express more than a "thank you." Would it go against their mutual agreement to stay distant? Yes, but judging by his own tenderness, perhaps showing more affection was acceptable at this point. If he were willing to do so, she wouldn’t deny herself the pleasure of it. Currently, though, she had a sister to find. She would think of a way to thank Ash properly later, but for now she would force herself to stay focused.

That didn’t mean she would completely ignore his efforts. She wasn’t dead.

She leaned to the side and pulled him down by his shoulder, placing her lips fondly to his. The move was bold, but if she didn’t kiss him now she would kick herself later and drive herself nuts thinking about it. He tensed, but didn't draw away this time. Hawke expected him to, if only because Alistair rode so close behind them, yet he lingered and allowed it.

Even better, his hand brushed through her hair and he returned the kiss; surprising her even more. For a few seconds nothing else seemed to matter. If an Archdemon wearing an Orlesian ball gown landed in the field next to them she wouldn’t have noticed.

Then the moment ended and they parted much too soon; leaving her dizzy. Hawke looked up into his dark eyes and couldn’t stop herself from blushing. She saw hope there. If he believed her strong enough to carry on, then she would find it in herself and prove him right.

Now she just needed to find the strength to stop staring at him whimsically and remember what she was supposed to be doing.

"Let's go," she instructed before her mind had the chance to come up with more excuses to kiss him again. He tilted his head at her with a questioning gaze and she shoved him playfully. "You big softie."

Hawke didn't wait for him to say anything as she rode ahead down the side of a dried out riverbank. Without doing much, he gave her a newfound confidence that somehow everything would work out. Maker, that man had some kiss. It contained the power to change her mood and outlook on life within seconds. Perhaps he was a mage and didn’t realize it.

Ash watched her go with a silly grin he didn’t even realize he wore. That was, until Alistair pulled up beside him and beamed at him as if he did something remarkable.

“Awe. Look how happy you are. Now, was that so hard?”

Ash glanced over with a droll expression; his smile vanishing as quickly as it appeared. “Just because we had a moment doesn’t mean I won’t kill you,” he shot back before kicking his horse into a trot; rolling his eyes at the laughter he left behind.

He hated to acknowledge another lesson from Alistair, but a single word in his patronizing comment stuck with Ash; another thing to add to his list of annoyances.

_Was_ he happy?

Given their current circumstances, it didn’t seem possible. How could anyone be content with the world going to shit? So many bad things had happened and would continue to happen if Corypheus had any say in it. Even if they found Hawke’s sister, it would only be one small glimmer of light in the darkness. That meant Hawke would have even more to lose. It would be one more mouth to worry about feeding; one more soul to save and keep safe. The odds were against them in so many ways, yet…happiness had found him. How and when that happened mystified him.

He looked to Hawke once more, knowing she had a lot to do with it. She showed him an existence he never dreamed he would have. He spent his whole life hating the Tal Vashoth for leaving the Qun, yet they were the luckiest of his race. They got to experience true freedom. They knew what it was like to find yourself and forge your own journey in this life. Perhaps deep down all the hate he felt for them was jealousy in disguise. They possessed the tenacity to do what he never did; find their own purpose.

Being banished from the Qun was the best thing that ever happened to him.

It led him back to Hawke. It put him in a position to help quell even greater threats to the world, not just the Qun. He glanced to Alistair and released a soft sigh. It even gave him companions who didn’t seem to mind that he had a dark past. They accepted him; scars, damage, and all. When in his life had he ever experienced such pure and unconditional approval? Never.

He pondered this new revelation deeply as they rode silently down the middle of the desiccated river. Judging by the marks on the ridges on either side of them, the barren path was once filled with life giving water. Now it served as one more reminder of what this land suffered. If Bethany hid out here, he doubted she would be in good condition. Ash hadn’t spotted an animal in some time. Without water and food to sustain her, would Hawke’s sister even consider this place as a camp? Anne’s suggestion seemed a good one when she gave it, but seeing the desolation of this place with his own eyes gave him doubt.

After a while, he glanced ahead to notice that Hawke was no longer in front of him. He paused and looked to Alistair, but the Warden seemed just as confused. He only took his eyes off of her for a moment and suddenly she was nowhere to be found. Not being able to see her caused panic to build in his chest and he surged forward with his eyes darting everywhere. “Hawke?”

“Over here.”

Her voice seemed to come from thin air, confusing him further. The half dead trees and shrubbery grew impossibly thick the farther he moved forward, hiding whatever path she ventured down. If this were the place they hid as children, he could see the appeal.

Hawke struggled to push her horse back through the tangled mess. She hadn't been paying much attention to how far ahead she ventured until she heard them call from a distance. Once she found her way back to the start of the hidden path and revealed herself, her two companions moved in close with wary expressions.

“Do not go off on your own like that. Not here.”

Normally Hawke would have scoffed at such a demand and disobeyed simply to spite anyone with nerve enough to order her around, but she quickly picked up on the alarm in Ash’s voice and realized he asked for his own peace of mind. The relieved way in which he looked at her once he caught sight of her again sent a tingle down her spine. How had they grown so attached to one another in such a short time?

Things changed between them so swiftly it made her question if this connection was there before; long ago in Kirkwall. Had their capacity to care for one another been there all along? She felt drawn to him from the moment she met him, but mistook it for a fascination of his kind and culture. Now that she looked back on it, perhaps it was something deeper from the start, but they had both been too blind, stubborn, and set on their own paths to realize it.

Maybe now they were just making up for lost time. She blushed and sighed dreamily at the notion before looking over to find Alistair staring at her with a knowing smirk and Ash fidgeting nervously. Dammit!

"The cave is this way! Not too much farther," she directed too quickly to hide her embarrassment. Maker knew she would sit here all day with a dumb expression fantasizing about him if given the chance. Time to get back to reality and stop giving Alistair reasons to be smug. "The wood is getting thick. I'm not sure we'll be able to push our horses too far beyond this point. We should probably tie them off and continue on foot."

Ash was quick to accept her suggestion; no doubt wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible. Alistair took his time getting off his steed just to irritate them, but eventually the three of them secured the horses and ventured forward.

Hawke didn’t exaggerate when she mentioned how thick the shrubs were further ahead. The path was much more grown in than she remembered, making her worry they were chasing their tails with this idea. It looked as if nobody had been through here in years. Ash had to hack and slash with his axes just to move his massive frame through the dense foliage.

Images of playing hide and seek ran through her mind as she led them closer and closer to the old hiding place. Her sister was a darling girl; everything Hawke could ask in a sibling. She and Carver had never really seen eye, but she and Bethany were as thick as thieves. They were attached at the hips as children and Hawke protected her with the ferocity of a mother bear.

Her lids fluttered shut for a few seconds and she smiled as flashes of images played out in her head. She could almost hear the faint sounds of laughter; see Beth’s hair flying and tangling behind her as they chased after one another. Remembering how vibrant and alive Bethany used to be back then only made her want to find her more. She released a shaken breath and opened her eyes before wiping away the mist that gathered there. She would give anything to go back to that time of happy bliss.

The more The Champion relived old memories, the quicker her fight through the grove became. She ignored any calls for her to take it slow since it took Ash and Alistair twice as long to move through an area unknown to them. All that mattered was reaching the last of her family. She didn’t fully realize how desperate she was until this moment. Hawke needed to find her like she needed lungs to breathe. She barely noticed the scratches on her face from running past sharp branches. They stung, but it was a pain she could overlook if it meant finding Beth faster.

After pushing frantically forward for what seemed like hours, she finally reached the entrance to the cave; still dark and dingy as ever. The scent wafting from it was foul and reminded her of death. The smell worked wonders to keep anyone from wanting to enter, which made this the perfect choice for a hiding place.

Twigs snapped and a disgruntled grunt sounded behind her seconds later; a sign Ash and Alistair had caught up to her. She glanced over her shoulder to find them underwhelmed by what they saw. Hawke glimpsed doubt in their eyes and she didn’t blame them; there were no signs of life. She knew at this point the others were not convinced their missing Warden took up residence here, but Bethany was clever. She would take measures to throw people off and make damn sure no one could find her.

Except her big sister.

Hawke smiled faintly and attempted to appear more confident; even though her heart pounded in fear of what they would find. "Well, this is the place. I can’t believe we thought it a good idea to play inside there as children. The naivety of youth, right?"

“I’m not sure naïve is the word I would use,” Ash mused as he examined the cave. Fact was, children playing in there was just plain stupid. They were lucky they didn’t become lunch. He glanced to Hawke and watched her stare forward with determination and a set jaw. Picturing her as a child with the same expression as she ventured into this very cave for the first time made the corners of his mouth turn upwards. He didn’t imagine there was ever a time where she wasn’t stubborn and reckless.

Hawke smirked at him then shook her head, “Yes, well, it was either a dank and scary cave or having Templars up our asses. We chose the lesser of two evils.”

Alistair crossed his arms and shot them a faux offended expression. “Hey! I used to be a Templar you know. Or….Templar in training. Whatever. They aren’t _all_ bad.”

Hawke raised an eyebrow. “Well that explains why you’re such an ass.”

“Har har, you’re hilarious.”

The small laugh from Ash her jab earned made Hawke feel warm inside. She felt bad that it came at Alistair’s expense, but seeing her handsome Qunari smile was worth it. Besides, the Warden made it too easy to poke fun at him. It was hard not to pass up the opportunities when they arose. She chuckled lightly in return and shook her head. She never thought the three of them would become friendly enough to tease each other without offense.

“Alright boys. As much as I would like to stand here all day while we try to outwit one another, we have a job to do. Let’s get this over with,” she urged before turning her attention back to the rank cave in front of them. It was so dark she couldn’t even see a few feet inside. 

They wouldn’t be able to make out their hands in front of their faces once they traveled in, so she removed the small lantern strapped to her hip and lit it. It would take away their element of surprise, but this way they would be able to examine their surroundings more thoroughly. Between the three of them, she was sure they could handle anything dangerous that came to investigate the dim light.

Once ready, she and motioned towards the ominous darkness before them. “It's a deep cave; deep enough to make a dwarf feel right at home. I suggest you take the lead Alistair and put your Warden training to use. I'd like to be prepared in case Darkspawn decide to greet us. You _can_ sense them can't you?"

“Oh sure, send the expendable one in,” Alistair quipped sarcastically before unsheathing the sword at his hip and eyeing the entrance with caution. “Why don’t you make the big one go first? He can see better in dark creepy places. Might even make the Blighted bastards piss themselves and run off. I mean, I’d scream and run if I saw that face coming at me in the dark.”

“Funny. Quit complaining and get in there,” Ash responded dryly with a roll of the eyes. “They teach you to be a coward in the Wardens?”

“No, that just comes naturally. It’s a skill that has kept me alive so far.”

“Yes, well, not for much longer if you don’t shut up and move.”

The Warden snorted and slowly stepped forward as told, darting his eyes around in the dark once the mouth of the cave swallowed him. His shield lifted to protect him from the front as he took step after tentative step. “You know, if you keep threatening to kill me, I’m going to take back that friendship bracelet I made for you.”

“Somehow I think I’ll survive such heartbreak,” Ash retorted, his voice hushed now that everything they said echoed off the cave walls. As amused as he was by the ridiculous banter Alistair always seemed to pull him into, now was not the time. It wouldn’t take much to alert every single creature in the cavern to their presence, granted there were any residing within.

He shuddered once they were a good distance inside. Not only did the cave smell worse than a gore-soaked battlefield after several days in the sun, it caused his anxiety to flare up again. Since his long confinement, dark cramped places didn’t exactly thrill him, but he wasn’t about to back out. Something told him Alistair would never let him live it down. He wouldn’t give that man the pleasure of seeing him show weakness, so he would deal with whatever his nerves threw at him.

At least the soft glow of the lantern provided some comfort and allowed him to see several feet in every direction. The chances of getting taken by surprise were slim. Even if something did jump out at them, he wasn’t too worried about it. He may be a coward afraid of the dark, but he was a coward who could smash the head in of almost any foe.

“BETHANY! YOU IN HERE? IT’S ALISTAIR!”

Alistair’s booming shout nearly made Ash and Hawke jump out of their skin as it echoed all around and down the tunnel before them. If the former Arishok hadn’t been working hard on controlling himself these past several weeks, he would have batted the noisy human through the air for startling him. As his heart pounded and he fought to bring his adrenaline back down, he considered doing it anyway just because. His glare shot towards the loud mouthed fool as he hissed at him, “What are you doing?! Do you want to bring every Darkspawn and giant spider in Thedas to us?!”

Alistair shrugged and kept his focused gaze on the darkness before them. “I didn’t want to spend all damn day tiptoeing around in this smelly death trap. This saves us some time. Why? Afraid of monsters my Qunari friend? Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

Ash growled and moved closer to him for calling him _that_ word, his eyes flashing with a threat. “You had better hope Hawke will protect _you_ when I start strangling you.”

Just when Hawke was about to silence her two companions, she heard a faint rustling sound in the distance that caught her attention. It stopped her dead in her tracts and Ash stumbled right into her with a grunt. She let out a loud enough ‘SHH’ to silence her friends as she kept her eyes and ears open for any movement.

Both men immediately did as ordered, their ears perking up as they tried to catch whatever it was Hawke picked up on. Alistair moved ahead carefully, using his Warden senses to determine if whatever lurked in the darkness was tainted with the Blight. Many seconds of silence passed as he stared out into the blackness before them, his weapon at the ready.

“Darkspawn?” Ash whispered after he couldn’t stand the quiet any longer, his gaze running everywhere as he tried to make out any irregular shapes with his keen night vision.

No answer came for several more moments. Eventually, Alistair glanced over his shoulder and shook his head, letting them know the coast was clear. It was a relief they wouldn’t have to put up with those cursed creatures, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t something equally as dangerous waiting up ahead for them.

Alistair had the same level of patience, or lack thereof, as Ash. After no further noises came, he boldly put them all at risk by speaking yet again. “If there’s someone there, come out. No harm will come to you. Unless you’re a creepy flesh eating spider. Then your day is probably going to get a whole lot worse.”

“Alistair…?”

All of them froze like solid ice as the weak voice sounded before them. It was so quiet and barely above a whisper, none of them were even sure they heard it. Nobody moved as seconds ticked by, all stuck in place as if trapped by an invisible force.

Hawke's eyes stared blindly forward and she squinted, trying to see who had called to Alistair. Once her legs remembered how to work, she took a moment to step close enough to survey the Warden's expression. He mirrored her disbelief and confusion perfectly; as if what they all heard was too good to be true. Even Ash seemed skeptical, but if they all picked up on the same thing then it couldn’t be a mistake.

Hawke broke into a nervous sweat and mentally crossed her fingers.

Finally, their Warden companion broke the silence, his heart pounding in his throat and his shield slowly lowering. Could it be?

“Yes…Who’s there?”

“Alistair!”

The flash of pale skin and black curls came out of nowhere. Before any of them had time to react, Alistair stumbled backwards with a petite, raven haired mage attached to him.

The look of sheer happiness and relief on his face when he realized the small woman hanging from his neck was Bethany could have lit up the entire cavern. His arms flew around her and it took everything he had not to break down and sob. “Beth! Thank the Maker! I knew I would find you!”

Hawke stood dumbfounded; wondering if anything happening before her eyes was real. This woman resembled Bethany, but was not the vibrant and gorgeous woman she remembered. Seeing her in such a state, combined with surprise over actually finding the sister she thought she may have lost forever, left her unable to speak.

Then she and Ash were watching her sister push her mouth to Alistair’s in a way that made it clear it wasn’t the first time. Both stared in stunned silence as the two kissed and grabbed at each other more passionately than was appropriate while in front of an audience; as if the two of them saw nothing but each other and the rest of the world didn’t exist.

If the former Arishok wasn’t so shocked by what he was seeing, he would have looked away just to give them some privacy. Alistair and Hawke’s sister were….romantically involved? He blinked and tried to process such a thing. Out of all scenarios he imagined might happen if they found her, this was not one of them. Alistair gave no hints the entire time he had been in their company, and said nothing to indicate his concern for her was anything but out of friendship. He snorted and shook his head. And the Warden had the nerve to lecture _him_ about keeping the woman he cared for a secret.

Since he was already gawking, he took a moment to examine the girl’s condition. It looked as if they had gotten here just in time. She was skin and bones, so pale she looked ghostly, and covered in filth. Had she given up running from her pursuers here? Was this to be her final resting place if nobody came? He shuddered and finally looked away, turning his gaze to Hawke instead. He didn’t want to think about that or how it would have affected her.

The Champion continued to gape, overwhelmed by everything going on. She was thrown off by the unexpected display of affection, near to tears with relief, and still having a hard time accepting the frail woman before her was her sister. But she was. Alistair confirmed her name.

He held onto her so firmly it seemed he would never let go. They were so caught up in their romantic union, Bethany didn’t notice her own sister had also come for her. After weeks of build up to this moment, Beth didn’t even acknowledge her presence. Hawke resisted the urge to break up the tearful reunion and steal all of Bethany’s time for herself. How could she when the two were so overjoyed with relief and eager to make up for lost time?

She felt so out of place and unneeded in this moment. Throughout their young lives, Hawke sheltered her baby sister from the Templars. Now she was practically smothered in one. The trust and obvious love she harbored for Alistair caught Hawke off guard. Her sister had found somebody else to rely on; another to protect her. The Champion’s pride and heart took a hit, but there wasn't much she could do about it. Except punch the Warden in his smug face later for not being candid with her.

Alistair finally pulled his lips away and took Bethany’s jaw in his hand, his eyes misted over and his face filled with emotion. “I never stopped looking for you, not for a second.”

Bethany was so weak she could barely stand, so she clung to her Warden and relied on him to hold her up. Her legs shook beneath her and her head spun from jumping up from her makeshift bed of furs so quickly, but just seeing him smiling down at her gave her all the strength she needed. Her voice cracked when she finally spoke, her tear filled eyes locked on his. “Ali…How did you get away? I thought they captured you or killed you like the others!” She paused to choke on a sob and hug him tightly, never wanting to let go again. “Oh Love, I’m so happy you’re here…but…how did you find me…? This place…I never told you about it.”

He smiled warmly and placed another kiss on her forehead. She still hadn’t realized that family stood not ten steps away. “I barely managed to get away after Commander Clarel tried to have me killed. As for finding you, I never would have come to this place on my own. I searched endlessly, but came up empty-handed. I had help from somebody very eager to see you,” he told her before nodding his head to their onlookers.

Bethany’s amber eyes, now dull from exhaustion, filled with questions and she turned her gaze in the direction he motioned. Once she spotted her sister, she paled even further as if she had seen a ghost. “M—Marian?”

Their eyes locked and Hawke's swelled with tears. Overwhelming relief overtook both of them instantly.

Hawke forced out a couple shaky words, "Hello, sis."

"Marian!" Beth tore from Alistair's grip with strength she didn’t know she still possessed and launched herself at her big sister, nearly tackling her to the ground. Hawke grabbed Beth with desperation, no longer able to hold back the waterworks.

The two siblings cried uncontrollably for a good minute before Hawke caught Ash's gaze through a film of tears. His arms were crossed, but not in an impatient way. No, he looked relived. She knew it would please him if she slept better at night. He had been hounding her to slow down and rest for days. When he caught her stare, he smiled; making this moment perfect. She had her sister; she had him. All was well, at least for the remainder of this day.

"I...I thought I would never see you again," Bethany whimpered in her big sister’s embrace.

Hawke ran her fingers through Beth's hair just as she always did, resisting the urge to blubber all over again. The overwhelming joy she experienced could not be put into words. "I'm so relieved you're safe. After everything that Alistair told us, it's a miracle you're alive."

The rogue moved Bethany within arm’s length to get a better look at her. "Maker, you look famished. When is the last time you ate?"

"Well, it wa—"

Before Bethany could finish her response Hawke interrupted, "Have you been drinking any water?"

She continued to ask a flurry of concerned questions, ignoring any attempts the female warden made to answer. Eventually, they led to the inevitable one. "And why didn't you tell me you and Alistair were a thing?! Have you forgotten how to write a letter?!"

Hawke had never resembled their mother more than she did in this moment. If Bethany possessed the energy, she would have laughed hysterically. It was oddly pleasant to hear Hawke nag her about everything under the sun. She missed her and her voice so much, she would gladly take it all. There was so much that she wanted to tell her, but her sister was lost in her own ramblings. This was typical Marian behavior, so Beth just stood there and let her unload.

"I mean Andraste's ass I've been worried sick for you, the least you could do was say something about Alistair. This is _huge_. He's the rightful King for Maker's sake."

“Ugh how do you know about that? At best, most people assume I’m a distant relative,” Alistair chimed in, looking about as uncomfortable as Sebastian Vale in a whorehouse.

Ash decided to speak up then, finally bringing attention onto himself. “Maybe because we don’t live under a rock?”

Hawke couldn't help but snort at the Qunari's comment.

Alistair groaned and Bethany’s eyes widened as she took in the full size of the stranger in the room. She came across quite a few Tal Vashoth in her travels over the years, but this one was exceptionally large and menacing. She had to be the most unobservant person in Thedas if she not only overlooked her own sister, but the giant standing in the shadows a few feet away.

Was he a tracker? A hired mercenary?

The smaller woman composed herself when she realized she was gawking, smiling instead to make up for her rudeness. “And who might you be?”

“Oh that’s Ash. Hawke’s boyfriend,” Alistair answered before anyone could even open their mouths, his lips curling into a triumphant grin.

Ash shot daggers at him with a glare, his eyes narrowing almost into slits. Of all the preposterous terms he could have used. “Alistair! Close your mouth. I’m not—er…”

He stopped talking immediately and shot a glance to Hawke, not sure if denying the accusation would upset her or not. Truth was, he didn’t know _what_ they were to each other, but he didn’t want to stick his foot in his mouth by saying the wrong thing. He closed it instead and looked away with crossed arms, swearing silently to knock Alistair on his ass later.

Hawke grinned like a little girl when she realized it was the first time he had ever refrained from negating their complicated relationship. It warmed her heart to watch him grow uncomfortable about his feelings, because it meant he had them. Did he announce it off of rooftops? No, but that didn't bother her in the slightest. It only made her adore him more. He didn’t need grand gestures to show her he cared. Even the smallest sign from him spoke volumes.

Bethany blinked several times before turning her surprised gaze back to her sister. A giggle escaped her lips and she smacked her sister lightly on the shoulder. “Marian! And you have the nerve to get on my case for not telling you about Ali.”

Hawke gave Beth the look she always did when caught in her own accusations before rubbing her arm with a lopsided smile. She wouldn’t lie right to her sister’s face and deny her own feelings, but she also needed to respect Ash's modest resistance by shrugging off the fingers being pointed at her. "If I knew where you were, I would have. Enough about that, we should make preparations to get you out of this ghastly place. I can't stand to look at it."

Now that her sister was safe, Hawke was more than ready to get out of Blighted territory and head to Skyhold. She was anxious to get the next chapter of their journey started and take care of this Corypheus business before it escalated. First things first, however, Bethany needed food and water desperately. She didn’t stand a chance of making it through the Frostbacks in her current condition.

She glanced over the frail woman again and frowned; a painful pang stabbing at her heart. Her sister could barely stand and she was already raring to go without thinking how that would affect Beth. Hawke could see now why Ash was so concerned with her pushing forward so vehemently. When her mind was focused on one thing, she tended to put blinders on and block out the rest of the world. She took a deep breath and promised herself she would slow down. Bethany didn’t deserve to suffer for her obsessive inclinations.

As much as she hated being in a humid, smelly cave, she would hold off her haste to give her sister the proper time she needed to ready herself for a long, frozen journey. Besides, Hawke was curious to find out what all had happened to her since she heard from her last; especially the part where Beth and Alistair became lovers. So much had changed since they were last in each other’s company; they may as well be strangers. That hurt her deeply. Bethany was the only real family she had left and deserved so much more than Hawke had given her over the last decade. Now that they were reunited; she swore not to waste the opportunity. A good sit down to catch up and get to know each other again was more than necessary.

Her gaze softened and she reached out to place a gentle hand on Beth’s arm. She would have hugged her again, but she didn’t think she could pry Alistair away from her if she tried. Somehow within the last minute they had found their way back into each other’s arms. Seeing the way they clung to each other so tightly and snuck in as many kisses as possible made her jealous in a way. Hawke and Ash had taken a giant leap forward today, but there was no way in the deepest depths of Orzammar they would be so openly affectionate this soon; if ever.

No time to dwell on that now, however. Bethany needed her. “Why don’t you and Alistair sit down and rest. You’re trembling. Ash and I will go find you something to eat.”

Bethany scoffed and shook her head, her lackluster waves bobbing around her face. “Good luck. I haven’t even seen a hare in weeks. I—I wasn’t sure if I would make it much longer,” she confessed, her eyes dropping downwards and her face falling. “Thank the Maker you came…”

Hawke nearly broke down right then and there. Her breath hitched in her throat and she shook her head, forcing herself to give a reassuring smile as she rubbed Beth’s arm. “Don’t think about that now. We’re here, and I’m not letting anything bad happen to you ever again. Whatever the Wardens are up to, they won’t lay a finger on you.”

Bethany’s eyed filled with dread and for a moment they seemed far away; as if a memory or vision plagued her. “I don’t know why…but I’ve seen what they were doing to the mages. They were possessing them; using blood magic by sacrificing the warriors.” Her voice broke and she burned her face into Alistair’s chest. “Everyone is hearing the Calling and I think they’ve lost their minds. It was horrific. They tried to make me kill Ali, said it was necessary for the good of the world or some bullshit, but…I couldn’t. There was no way. So Alistair and I betrayed them and fought our way out. I lost track of him in the chaos and I thought…I thought—”

“Shh now, you’re safe,” Alistair interrupted as he ran a hand through her hair, his own eyes brimming with tears that threatened to fall. “We’re going to Skyhold to get the Inquisition involved. We won’t let them get away with this.”

Both Hawke and Ash were floored. Possessing mages and killing their own? For what? What could possibly justify such horrendous acts? Had the Calling really made them that desperate? She turned a stern gaze to Alistair and shook her head in disbelief; anger filling her to the core. “Why didn’t you tell me this?! Bethany could have been taken over by a demon! Didn’t you think to share that little detail?”

Alistair frowned and straightened his back. “Are you kidding me? Hawke, you nearly killed yourself and us trying to get here with what little information I did give. You would have drove us right into the ground had you known. You were stressed enough with everything going on.” He paused, his chin raising indignantly, “Besides, that doesn’t matter now. We found her and you’ll get all the information you need once we speak with the Inquisition. Let’s focus on what we need to be doing now. You said you would go find food?”

Ash reached out a hand and grabbed Hawke’s arm when she fumed and opened her mouth to argue. She snapped her head around to glare up at him and he only shook his head with a soft gaze. He was put off by Alistair not being candid with them as well, but the man had his reasons. He did have a point with Hawke; she didn’t deal well with copious amounts of stress. The last thing they needed now was to engage in a pointless argument. “Hawke…now isn’t the time. We saw a group of traveling merchants back in the ruins. Perhaps we should see if they have anything for trade.”

Bethany looked at Ash gratefully, happy he had diffused the situation before it escalated. She knew how fired up Hawke could get, and how stubborn Alistair could be. Maker help them all if those two went at it. “I was too afraid to approach them. The Wardens have been on my tail and I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t a trap.”

If Hawke heard one more excuse, she would explode. No matter what she did, she was met with an excuse to why she shouldn’t. There were reasons she shouldn’t involve herself with Ash, reasons they couldn’t get carried away, reasons she should slow down, reasons she shouldn’t worry, reasons she should calm down, and _now_ : A reason why she was kept from important information she had every right to know. If she didn’t think Ash would manhandle her, gag her, and string her up somewhere until she calmed down, she would have let Alistair have it with the ferocity of an Arch Demon. He thought his legendary fight alongside the Hero of Ferelden was grueling? Well he had never seen Marian Hawke angry. 

All she could do to diffuse her ire was to take in a deep breath, drop her tense shoulders, and leave the cave in a huff. Her prompt departure left no room for anyone to debate with her. Within seconds she moved back out into clean, breathable air again and was stomping through the forest. She didn’t care if she made enough noise to alert any threat for miles. Let them come; she needed to blow off steam anyway. She hated it when people made poor decisions or neglected crucial information, _especially_ when it involved family. That's the type of shit that got people killed. How difficult was it to explain the full situation? She grumbled and snapped several branches in her way; not even sure if she was going in the right direction anymore.

Out of respect for Bethany, she would refrain for punching Alistair straight in the jaw; though he sorely deserved it. So what if she had been stressed and overexerting herself to find her? Was it wrong of her to be desperate to find somebody she loved dearly? Her feelings or reasons for pushing them the way she had were none of his business.

If nothing else, he should have told her the severity of the situation because she was Beth’s sister. Just because he was sleeping with her didn’t mean he trumped family. It didn’t matter how she reacted to it or if she would have ran herself ragged trying to get to her. She was a grown woman who could make her own decisions; not a delicate child that needed to be coddled. Not to mention, he was a damn Warden. Weren’t they the most legendary warriors in Thedas? He was supposed to be able to handle long journeys. If he was unable to keep up with her, it was his bloody problem. Curse the man!

After Hawke stormed off without so much as a word, Ash quietly excused himself before following after her. He didn’t want to stand around being an awkward third party anyway. Besides, he didn’t have to be experienced in the ways of love and attraction to discern the couple probably wanted time alone. He knew if he were away from Hawke for so long, he would want to be alone with her.

Though, he could hardly compare him kissing her a few times to the established relationship Alistair seemed to be in with her sister. In fact, seeing them together further reiterated how puerile he was being for making such a big deal out of it in the first place. Outside the Qun, intimate relationships were not an issue, so there was no harm in what he had done. It wasn’t as if he sought to be reinstated with his former people. After experiencing what independence felt like, he wouldn’t even if offered the opportunity.

Amazing how far his viewpoints on life had come since he started thinking for himself.

Hawke could really move when she wanted to. It took several minutes of shoving through branches and trotting up the riverbank to finally see her up ahead. Just by observing the way she moved, he knew she was still angry. Great; and after he had _finally_ put a smile on her face. Female moods were hard to keep up with. He didn’t understand why she was mad over something so small in the first place, but he was certain she would fill him in once he caught up with her. He had spent enough time with her by now to know she didn’t filter her mouth or keep her thoughts to herself. Long ago that character flaw irritated him to no end. Now…he rather liked it.

He moved into a jog once she neared the ruins where they noticed the merchants. She could be walking right into a trap, as Bethany feared, and he wasn’t about to let her storm into it alone. The woman seemed to think she could take on any foe no matter the odds, but nobody was infallible. Her eagerness to walk right into trouble made him wonder how many times she put her life at risk before he had come along. How she succeeded in staying alive to see this day baffled him.

“Hawke! Slow down,” he called out once she was within earshot.

He frowned when she not only ignored him, but sped up her pace. The action caused him to miss a few steps and think hard on everything that happened before she stormed out. Why would she do that? She wasn’t upset with _him_ , was she? He didn’t see a reason she would be, so he chalked it off to her wanting to be alone to brood. Given the dangerous area they were in, that was not an option. She could pout at him for tagging along all she wanted; as long as she was safe.

“Hawke,” he repeated as he strode within arm’s length of her. Instead of waiting around for her to acknowledge him, he grabbed her and stopped her in her tracks before gripping her shoulders and turning her around to face him. He didn’t have time to be polite. He wanted to speak with her and get her back into a proper mindset before they ventured too close to the caravan. If it _was_ a trap, she needed her head in the game.

Before she could argue with him or try to break away from his grasp, he launched into the speech he came up with about four seconds prior to her looking up at him with a glare. “You found your sister today Hawke. There should be a smile on your face. This outcome is exactly what you’ve been hoping for. Things could have turned out so much worse. Yes, Alistair needs to be punched. But don’t let trivial things get in the way of this small victory. So many bad things have happened, I don’t think you know how to slow down and enjoy anything good that comes your way. And yes, I’m aware of the hypocrisy of that statement.”

Hawke blinked and stared up at him, the glare on her face vanishing. Instead she remained silent with a stunned expression; not sure how to feel. Her immediate urge was to shove him away or scream at him for jerking her around the way he had; but then he spoke and his words made it hard to be mad at him or anything else.

He was right of course. She had just found her sister and instead of treating it like a happy occasion, she stormed off to throw a tantrum. Alistair’s actions were irritating, but she was sure in his own mind he meant well. Perhaps she was just mad at him for replacing her as the ‘protector’ in her sister’s life and looking for reasons to be cross with him. She sighed and shook her head. How dare Ash bring logic into this.

She searched his eyes as he waited patiently for her to calm down. The softness in his gaze and the firm way in which he gripped her upper arms made her stomach do a backflip. She debated grabbing his big dumb face and pressing her mouth all over his. As much as she hated being manhandled, when Ash did it she couldn’t help but be aroused. Just the thought of him using that same power to dominate her in the bedroom sent heat to her cheeks…and other places.

She cleared her throat and turned her head away, her face reddening as indecent thoughts raced through her mind. Even though he looked rather appetizing at the moment with his sweaty muscles and piercing eyes, she would control herself. Climbing him like a tree would be an excellent distraction from the stress this journey produced, but she didn’t want to push her luck. He had already given her more affection than she expected today; goading for more might make him take a few steps backwards.

Why did he have to be so attractive in this moment? His physical allure was hard enough to resist, now she had to deal with him being funny and caring too?

She tried not to, she really did, but she couldn’t hold back a small laugh as she shook her head. Here she was trying to get a good rage going, and he had to come along being endearing and witty. For so long she wished the brusque, heartless Arishok would let his guard down and show her another side of himself. Now that she got that wish, she faced an entirely new dilemma with him: to give in or deny her base instincts. She scoffed and sagged her shoulders before looking up at him with a half-smile. Every time he did something charming and completely out of character, her heart melted a little more. If she wasn’t careful, she would fall through the ice. 

She released another breathless chuckle of defeat before leaning in and pressing her forehead to his chest; her hands lifting to grip his sides gently. "So… ripping Alistair’s head off and feeding it to the Darkspawn wouldn't be a good idea then?"

Ash snorted and shook his head with a small sigh of relief. He was more than happy she had chosen to let her anger go instead of allowing it to fester. He had gotten more than enough of sullen, irritable Hawke since they started their journey. It was time for the charismatic, alluring part of her to show itself. Once they reached Skyhold they would fall into another lake of shit, so he wanted to make the best of the time they had before they took the plunge.

“I think it’s a grand idea, but your sister might disagree,” he answered in amusement before resting his chin on top of her head. Given that she was holding onto his waist and leaning against him, he decided it was okay to rub his face against her hair slightly and take in its scent. He would never understand how she managed to smell so good after being out in the hot sun all day. Or maybe she actually smelled horrendous and he was just so smitten he didn’t notice. He exhaled a light laugh at the thought then leaned back to turn his eyes down to her.

At least he could admit that now. He _was_ infatuated with her; as much as he tried his best not to be. All the new things she made him feel were exciting and begged to be curiously explored. Now that he was getting over his initial bigotry against “human” connections, he found it harder to come up with reasons to avoid pursuing her. His original excuse of keeping their minds on their mission proved impossible. Even if they were in the middle of heated battle against the worst of enemies, he would _still_ be thinking about her. There was no avoiding it.

He swallowed and stared down at her blue gaze; noting how lovely she looked, even now; with her hair matted and her skin sunburnt and dotted with sweat. Did all men find the women they involved themselves with more beautiful each time they looked at them? Did they all find it this hard to resist their charms? Did they all feel a tightening in their chest and a fluttering in their stomach when their woman was against them? He knew sex very well, but this? He didn’t know what was happening to him; what she was doing to him. Is this how Alistair felt when he looked at Bethany? Ash would never ask him; it would be too embarrassing.

Did Hawke share his sentiments? Or was she merely attracted to his outer appearance? He didn’t have many redeeming qualities to make up for his unpleasant personality, bad habits, or character flaws. He didn’t have considerable wealth to care for her with. Any power he once held was nothing more than a distant memory. He had nothing to give her _but_ something physical. Is that what she wanted? Is that what _he_ desired?

It certainly didn’t feel like all the times in the past when he went to the Tamassrans for sexual release. This was unlike anything he had ever known, and he had nothing to compare it to in order to even _begin_ trying to comprehend it. He was lost; naïve like an innocent babe. Being so vulnerable didn’t sit well with him, but he had to come to terms with his inability to control this new life of his. It was messy, chaotic, and everything the Qun wasn’t. He sighed and shook his head before forcing away any signs of distress from his expression. If she noticed his struggle she may try to convince him to talk about his feelings. How could he verbally express such jumbled thoughts and emotions?

There was _one_ thing he could discuss with her however; something repeating over and over in his head. It would put her on the spot, but he had to bring it up or it would plague his curiosity. Maybe if she let him know how _she_ was processing their odd courtship, it would shed light on some of his questions.

“I…couldn’t help but notice that back in the cave you led Bethany to believe we were in a…relationship.”

Hawke froze solid and blinked up at him several times, her voice failing her completely.

That was the last thing she expected him to bring up. Until now they went out their way to avoid uttering a single word about whatever was going on between them. And now here he was, starting this conversation at the most inopportune time imaginable. Of course. Leave it to him to throw her off and leave her sputtering for words in the middle of a barren wasteland.

Was he angry with her? His perpetual scowl was almost unreadable as always. She could sometimes make out his mood based on what little his facial expressions gave away, but this time he revealed nothing to her. She swallowed hard as her mind raced to come up with a plausible explanation.

The complete lack of emotion that came with his inquiry took a chunk out of her confidence. Hawke had the ability to tear through foes as swiftly as the wind or use her wit to taunt a Chantry Sister into fighting dirty; she even ran an entire city, but asking her to navigate her way through a romantic situation with a Qunari was like asking her to find out what made Fenris smile.

What was a girl to do in this predicament? She was falling for this man so fast she would be obliterated in an instant upon impact, but nobody was supposed to know that; especially not him. Could she take it back? Was that option on the table? If she did, would he see right through her then call her out on her dishonesty? She could manipulate and fib her way out of a dungeon cell if the situation arose, but with him she was as transparent as air.

How did she always get herself into such awkward situations? One would think she would have learned by now, but _nope_. No matter how many times it came back to bite her in the ass, she still let her mouth run faster than her brain. Before she answered him now, she would do the opposite and think on her words carefully. If she worded this just right, she might just be able to save face.

But did she even need to?

She was pressed up against him and his hands still encompassed her arms. If he were mad, wouldn’t he have pushed her away or broke contact with her? His body language conflicted with his dead expression, confusing her until she was wrought with anxiety. She had no idea where he wanted this conversation to go and she wasn’t about to wager a guess. Knowing her luck, she would botch the situation even more. The only thing she could think to do was stop it before it even started. The fact was they _weren’t_ together, and it wasn’t right to imply otherwise without even consulting him. Hawke would reassure him that she had said the wrong thing unintentionally and hope it would be enough.

"Oh, that! Yes. I um...about that…I was overwhelmed and didn't think to deny it at the time. I was more concerned about Bethany and didn’t want to go into it right then and there. I didn't mean to insinuate that we are in a relationship. It was wrong of me to assume, Ash. I apologize if I upset you."

When she finished her half assed explanation, she could even bring herself to make eye contact. She was so embarrassed she thought she would die on the spot. Her cheeks flushed so red she had to lower her head to keep her dismay from being obvious. "Once we get supplies, I'll set things straight with Beth and tell her we are not together so she doesn't get the wrong idea..."

Ash stared down at the top of her head for a long time, unintentionally prolonging her torture. He didn’t like seeing her so remorseful over something he never intended to be negative. He only brought up what had happened out of a burning curiosity, not to make her feel bad. Now that he saw how deeply his words affected her he wished he could take them back, or at least save them for a more proper time.

If she was this flustered over such a minor thing, perhaps she was just as confused and tormented inside as him. Maybe she _did_ share his innermost thoughts and her slipup earlier was her subconscious mind speaking the things she could not. If that were true, he was relieved; not because he wanted her to suffer, but because he didn’t think he would like being the only one having these feelings. If she didn’t share them, who would he have to talk to once he could no longer hold them in? Alistair? He snorted. Most definitely not.

He released a long slow breath before slowly sliding his hand down her arm to take her small hand in his large one. She visibly flinched, but he could tell the action soothed her by the way her shoulders relaxed. He didn’t want her to worry or fret. They had done enough of that to last a lifetime. For all he knew, they would die in the near future. The path they were marching down was more dangerous than anything he had ever faced. When he thought about his fragile mortality, it became a lot easier to appreciate what he had right now.

He swallowed the tightness in his throat and slowly brought her hand up to hold their entwined fingers between them. She had already embarrassed herself this evening, it was his turn to say things that would make him feel like his heart would leap out of his chest. Then they would be even and she would have no reason to chide herself.

“Yes, but…if you told Bethany that….it would be a lie.”

Hawke’s heart stopped and her mouth went dry. The shock of his statement took forever to settle in her mind, but once they did she nearly exploded on the spot.

Did he really say that, or was she hearing things?

She snapped her head up and locked her eyes with his. The passive expression he wore before was gone, replaced with something tender and vulnerable. He looked afraid of his own words, but he made no effort to take them back. What was he saying? Did he want them to be… together? Her heart lurched into her chest at the thought. She had no idea what that would mean for them, but she loved how it sounded in her mind. She still had her concerns of course, she wouldn’t let her head completely get away from her, but it was moments like this that made her realize those concerns didn’t matter when she was looking into his eyes.

She smiled bashfully and bit her bottom lip as they stood in silence; searching each other’s eyes in silent conversation. No words were needed for them to confirm they had just accepted their romantic involvement. It was unbelievable. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she would move on from Anders, especially with the former Arishok of the Qunari race. It was almost scandalous; The Champion of Kirkwall with a Tal Vashoth. But, he was more than that. He was hers, or at least that's what he had implied.

Waves of excitement coursed through her veins. She wanted to sing and skip all the way back to the cave; if she could only carry a tune. How had they gotten here? Not hours ago they were barely speaking to each other; now they were locked in each other’s arms affirming their desire to be together. They were moving so fast it might be deemed reckless, but she didn’t care; not now. She had her sister and a man looking down at her as if he saw nothing else but her. She was happy. She, Marion Hawke, was actually happy. When was the last time she could honestly say that? It seemed ages ago since she had felt this amount of bliss.

She knew her ecstasy was evanescent, that this perfect moment wouldn’t last and their lives would turn to shit in the not too distant future, but she deserved this dammit. Even if it everything blew up in her face tomorrow, she would still have today. Maybe that was the key to any relationship; living in the moment and treating each day of happiness you are given as a gift. Who knew when it would all be ripped away from you?

She sighed delicately as her epiphany settled in her mind and lifted her free hand to touch the side of Ash’s face. The tips of her fingers caressed his chiseled jaw and she shivered at the softness of his skin. "I suppose it would be immoral to go around telling lies."

He hummed deep in his chest and leaned into her touch, happy to have gotten a positive reaction out of her. The warmth in her gaze pulled him further into the moment, but this time he didn’t fight it. Unless he misread her, she wanted to be his; whatever that meant. He was certain he would figure it out with her help. “Then let’s quit telling them; especially to ourselves.”

The warm and bright smile she gave him in response made his throat dry up and he knew in his mind he was making the right decision. He pulled her to him further and exhaled huskily as her fingers snaked around his shoulders to lock behind his neck and she melted against him. How could two people so different from one another fit together so perfectly? It was a query he would normally ponder for hours in his contemplations on life, but right now all thoughts, doubts, and questions vanished as they shared their first kiss as a man and woman who belonged to one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thank you once again for reading! We are SO sorry that it took so long to get a new chapter out. We feel bad that months have passed, but there has just been so much going on in our busy lives. Hopefully you found this chapter worth the wait! We just adore it! 
> 
> As always, the talented and beautiful TheChampion04 has created a lovely work of art to go with the Chapter! Isn't it just the sweetest thing?! Did you all see that coming? Or were you completely blindsided by Alistair and Beth? 
> 
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> Onward to the next chapter! We promise, you'll like whats to come ehehehehe
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> To see more of TheChampion04's art, click [HERE](http://clarice04.deviantart.com/)
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	9. I Want You To Want Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don’t. And it feels like someone’s cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.”  
> ― Maureen Medved, The Tracey Fragments

The snow fell slowly, blanketing the world white in clean, unspoiled beauty. Ash sat in silence on a rock near an icy ledge, wrapped in the massive fur cloak the pointed ear Landion had given him. Never in his life had he ventured through such icy terrain or been exposed to cold so bitter and unending. The mountains were breathtaking, but treacherous to travel through. The constant cold almost made him miss the blistering warmth of Par Vollen or the balmy, humid coastal weather of Kirkwall. Almost. He’d rather freeze solid in a snow drift than return to either of those places.

He glanced over his shoulder and watched the fire of their camp flicker in the distance. Would Hawke go back to her old life as the Viscount of Kirkwall once this was over? If so, would he follow her back to a desolate city he despised to remain at her side? He wasn’t sure he could. The knowledge sat in the pit of his stomach like a burning coal and left him unsettled, but he wouldn’t dwell on their inevitable end. Right now they were together and he was grateful for it. He released a sigh and watched his breath freeze in the air before returning his gaze to the impressive view he had been admiring for quite some time.

The past several weeks were a strain on all of them, but their journey to Skyhold was almost over now. Soon they would no longer have to stress over finding food or shelter. They wouldn’t have to worry about the blizzards that came out of nowhere or their shoes freezing to their feet. The Frostbacks were nice to look at, but harsh and unforgiving.

He could see the benefit of having a fortress in this location. By the time any enemy force reached it they would be cold, exhausted, and in no position to form a proper attack. Not that it would do much good. From what he heard, Skyhold was nearly impossible to breach unless you were attacking from above; and who could do that other than a dragon? He couldn’t wait to see it.

Though… there were people there who would be less than thrilled to see _him_. He wasn’t sure how his presence would be taken, but he hoped they would care more about receiving any help they could get than giving him trouble. If Corypheus was as powerful as the rumors made him out to be, they would need people with vast military knowledge and tactical minds. Who better to assist, than the former commander of the world’s most vicious and feared army? Hopefully this Inquisitor everyone spoke of would see his worth. He would hate to have traveled all this way only to be locked up in some frozen dungeon. In fact, he would prefer death to being thrown into a cage again.

He swallowed and pulled the fur around him more tightly. Was he headed straight for his death? The thought frightened him, but not for obvious reasons. Dying didn’t intimidate him; everyone would eventually. Leaving Hawke to face the world alone, however, scared the shit out of him. She had already lost so much. He wasn’t arrogant enough to think he would be her undoing, but losing another person she cared about would definitely crush her.

She did care about him, right?

Based on the time they shared since finding Bethany, he held every confidence she did. He had been concerned Hawke’s attention would wane once they located her sister. In the back of his mind he thought she may have unintentionally used him as a distraction from her worry and anxiety. He now knew this was far from the case. In fact, quite the opposite. Since the day they decided to stop fighting their feelings, he and Hawke couldn’t seem to keep their mouths off of each other.

They were still discreet and proper of course; they wouldn’t do anything inappropriate with near constant company in their presence, but every moment of privacy was spent with their faces plastered together. Perhaps seeing Beth and Alistair together encouraged Hawke to be bolder in her affections, or maybe she just couldn’t hold back anymore. Whatever the reason, Ash wasn’t complaining. It thrilled him to explore another person so intimately.

They hadn’t crossed any lines physically, but they came close several times. Maybe he was a fool for doing so, but he pulled back every time he felt things reaching a point where he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. Sex was meaningless for him; or at least had been in his life until this point.

He couldn’t bring himself to treat Hawke the way he had countless warm bodies over the years. As much as he fought it, he cared for her too. He had no idea what it was like to bed somebody you actually harbored feelings for. Perhaps it made him a coward, but the thought was intimidating. He didn’t like the idea of being so vulnerable in front of her. There was also a fear in the back of his mind that he might not feel anything once they were in bed together. If he became distant and cold in such an intimate situation, he might push her away. Their time together was already too limited; he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that further.

He sighed and stood then, the small drift of snow that had accumulated on his shoulders falling down around him. Thinking about the ticking clock on their relationship only made the urge to be near her stronger. He valued the few moments of alone time he found here and there; they helped him reflect on many things, but he would much rather be in her company.

Ash slowly made his way back towards their shoddy camp, taking in the sad state of it. They had their tents set up beneath a low overhang. It protected them from the wind and snow, but didn’t do much to fend off the bitter cold. He didn’t even think it possible to escape that here. The humans tended to the fire constantly just to keep themselves and the horses from freezing to death once night fell. Even with his thick skin, he still had trouble withstanding the frigid air. He imagined the rest of his party struggled ten times more. How did their species even survive this long?

Once Hawke came into view he moved a little faster, the snow crunching beneath his feet with every step. She looked beautiful, even bundled up in furs so thick she waddled when she walked. He rather enjoyed the redness on her cheeks and nose. It made her even more vibrant than normal. Despite his need to resist going too far with her, he still couldn’t help imagining unwrapping her from all of the layers draped around her body.

He moved his eyes to Bethany and Alistair, who were huddled together on a log in front of the fire. Perhaps he could think of a legitimate reason to take Hawke off somewhere private for a few minutes. But did they have time? He looked to the horizon and frowned when he got his answer. It was getting much too late for that. The temperature already dropped considerably and the sun hadn’t even set entirely. Hawke would be far too cold if he removed her from the warmth of the flickering flames.

He sighed and smiled at her slightly when she caught his eye. He wanted very much to be alone with her, but it would have to wait. It was about time for them to retire for the evening and do their best to survive the night. He looked to the three tents set all in a row. Bethany and Alistair shared one, he took the one in the middle, and Hawke slept alone in hers beside his. He knew she would much rather stay with him, but resting next to her under a pile of furs would only intensify his need to explore the soft human body he was so curious about. He would be going to bed alone again and a part of him was hugely disappointed by it.

“Hawke…do you need anything?” he asked once she was close enough for him to touch. He reached out and ran his hand along her upper arm, but didn’t dare do more in front of the others. He didn’t feel comfortable displaying large amounts of affection for Hawke in front of them, but he stopped trying to hide their relationship after his talk with Alistair.

Hawke attempted a smile despite her face being frozen into a scowl. She wanted to show appreciation for his concern, but the bitter cold made it near impossible to think about anything else except finding warmth and getting out of this icy hell. She glanced up at his eyes with chattering teeth and tingled when she saw the warm expression on his face. Did his question insinuate something romantic in nature? She highly doubted it, knowing him, but she was hopeful.

Hawke always wanted more of the man. It didn’t matter how intimate or simple his actions were, each encounter left her aching. She liked seeing Ash open up to her, but he held back every time they were together and it confused her. Was she wrong for wanting things to go so much further? Was it asking too much of the former Qunari? She didn't like to think of herself as a selfish person, but how could any woman resist such a man?

He was massive and inviting and everything she desired. Just being closer to him presently made her lower stomach twist into knots and her heartbeat increase. How in the Maker’s name did he find it so easy to avoid intimacy with her? She knew he desired her, which was more than evident during the time he actually _did_ give her; so what was the problem? Ash had iron willpower and he needed to teach her how so she wasn’t suffering every time he came within two steps of her.

Until then, she would continue to cross the barrier he created in hopes he would give in. Right now it was too damn cold for lewd behavior, but laying up against his warmth tonight sounded heavenly and she wanted it more than anything. The worst he could say was no, but would he have the nerve to? Hopefully not in this weather. This evening promised to be much more frigid than what they had encountered thus far.

Ash cleared his throat and she snapped her eyes back to his before realizing she hadn’t even answered his question. Maker, he really was rattling her brains. She blushed furiously, though she doubted it showed through her already red and frost-burned cheeks. "Not unless you can control the seasons and make this snow stop,” she told him with a shiver. There wasn’t much he _could_ do that he wasn’t already doing.

Except what she was planning on asking him.

She paused for a moment and eyed him, trying to guess her chances of getting a yes. He appeared to be in a good mood so she decided to just go for it. “Well… there is _one_ thing. Its freezing and all the furs in the world couldn’t keep me warm tonight. It’s unbearable. I know we discussed it already, but…would you make an exception and share a tent with me?”

Ash immediately gave her a suspicious look as if she had ulterior motives, but she was legitimately freezing her arse off. "I promise I won't get fresh, and if you try with me I'll just knee you in the groin. Problem solved."

He snorted and shot her an amused gaze, not believing her threat in the slightest. Many people found Hawke menacing, but he no longer saw her as intimidating in any way. Their relationship itself frightened him, but the woman standing before him brought him comfort more than anything else.

He sighed and shook his head, observing her with a gleam in his eyes. He wanted her to come to his tent like he wanted to smash his axes into the skulls of his enemies. He just didn’t want things to get carried away; he wasn’t ready.

Though…

He glanced around, at the frost already forming on everything around them. With the weather the way it was, he doubted Hawke would push for anything this evening. She would be too busy shivering like the thin-skinned, fragile human she was. All of her kind would. Perhaps that meant he wouldn’t have to listen to Bethany and Alistair “declaring their love” this evening. He snorted and glanced their way. They certainly didn’t hold back when it came to their relationship. They were the complete opposite of himself and Hawke.

His eyes moved back towards her and his resolve immediately softened when he was met with a pleading expression and big, blue eyes no being in Thedas could resist. Hawke had either mastered the art of manipulation and knew exactly how to get to him, or she really was that desperate for warmth. Perhaps a combination of both.

He shrugged his shoulders and released a long breath, hoping he wasn’t putting himself in yet another awkward situation. “I suppose...it would be beneficial to bunk together tonight. I wouldn’t want you to get frostbite.”

“You’re so damn romantic Ash,” Alistair chimed in, unable to resist poking a little fun at his Qunari friend. “Bethany and I were going to invite her into our tent so she wouldn’t freeze to death if you didn’t…and that might get a little weird.”

Ash rolled his eyes and shot him a glance as Bethany interrupted into giggles. “I think not,” he retorted dryly before motioning his hand to his sleeping area. Alistair already had one Hawke sister in his bed. He didn’t need two. Besides, if he slept next to Marian, Ash would have to kill him and hide the body in the ice where nobody would ever find it.

“Hawke, in the tent. Now, before I throw Alistair head first into a snowbank.”

Alistair chuckled in response with a victorious grin as he added more wood to the small fire. Not that Hawke needed the flames anymore; she was suddenly very overheated. Under different circumstances, Ash ordering her into his bed would have been a stimulating experience. Unfortunately, he didn’t do it to be seductive; he merely barked orders at her as if she were his servant. That made his words much less provocative.

Hawke wanted to make a sharp-tongued comment to let him know she didn’t appreciate his tone, but caught Bethany's eye before she could think of one. Her sister shook her head then nodded in the direction Ash was moving with a wink. Marian frowned, but followed her gesture to watch Ash pull open the flap of his tent and hold it open for her. When his eyes moved to hers, she turned another shade of pink. He didn’t have his typical grumpy, impatient expression. He appeared more eager and hopeful than anything else. That look, along with her sister’s encouragement, was enough to make her keep her mouth shut and move her frozen ass towards him. So her pride would take a small hit; it was worth it to be close to him tonight.

As she neared him, Hawke started to feel bashful and nervous. Why did he have such an effect on her? He could say the most boring, non-sexual things to her and her body would still react to him as if he were whispering dirty things in her ear. It was frustrating and confusing for such feelings to be completely one-sided. Once she was mere steps away, she bit her lip and tried to get those feelings in check. He didn’t want to sleep with her so it was foolish for her to act as if he were tearing his clothes off in front of her. He based his invitation on logic, nothing else. Without a peep, she moved past him and crawled inside; hoping she wouldn't regret it later.

His presence followed and she moved over to the far side of the space so they would both fit inside. Ash had managed to make it surprisingly cozy. The entire ground was lined with the furs he traded for or acquired on his own throughout their journey. He even secured hides along the tent walls to further protect against the brutal outside elements. As a result, it was much warmer than she expected. She teased him for carting way too many furs for one person around, but it appeared she was the foolish one. It made her regret not accepting his help when she set up her own. She could have saved herself from freezing her tits off all these nights. That’s what she got for being stubborn.

Hawke lowered down to a soft bed of pelts and curled up with her knees hugged to her chest. It took a lot of courage to peer up at Ash who hovered above her, watching her struggle to relax. His closeness alone caused her stomach flip over and threaten to make its escape through her throat. Looking up at his massive shoulders made her want reach up and pull him down onto her, but she was cautious not to violate his boundaries.  In all her years, she never had problems with intimacy; especially not with Anders. She had always gone after what she wanted, but with Ash it was always a sensitive subject. She was genuinely afraid of fucking things up, considering her track record. Ash meant so much to her. If he pulled away because she couldn’t keep her pants on, she would never forgive herself.

She silently watched him tie the opening of the tent shut and place yet another fur over it. In a few moments he would be done preparing for bed and she would still be sitting here awkwardly. She had to come up with _something_ to say or he would know something troubled her. Then they would _both_ be awkward and this evening would turn into a very long, uncomfortable night.

"Your tent. It’s um… set up nice."

She wanted to smack herself the second the words came out of her mouth. That was her brilliant opener? It was completely mediocre and in no way reflected what actually went through her mind. What she _should_ have said was, ‘Thank you, now come lay with me and we can get more comfortable.’

_Good one, Marian. Way to be seductive._

He raised a brow and chuckled before sitting down beside her and pulling a knee up to work on removing his boots. She had been trying to get into his tent at night since they left Denerim, and now that she accomplished that task she didn’t know what to do with herself. It was adorable; a word not usually associated with Marian Hawke.

Perhaps that was a good thing, given his reservations about the more intimate side of their relationship. He didn’t want her to be uncomfortable, but he also didn’t want them so comfortable they would jump into something before he had sorted things in his head. He sighed and placed his boots aside moments later before glancing to her. She sat wrapped tightly into a ball beside him and he felt guilty for it. They had agreed to explore their feelings, but he still denied her so much. How long before she got fed up with him and decided he was no longer what she wanted?

Was that what he was hoping for?

The thought hit him hard and he pondered it for a moment as he removed some of the furs wrapped around his body. His skin was too warm to be bundled up tightly at night. He would sweat then become ill and be completely useless to his party.

Did he _want_ Hawke to call this off? Is that why he rejected her over and over, despite having made the choice to court her? If so, he was an even bigger coward than he thought. He didn’t want to deal with certain feelings, so perhaps he was sabotaging what they had before it could grow into something deeper. Maybe. How could he be sure?

One thing was certain: He needed to figure it out before Hawke decided he was no longer worth the effort. Perhaps once they were safe and warm in Skyhold he would sit her down and talk to her about everything that troubled him. As much as he hated talking about things, she deserved an explanation as to why he wouldn’t allow more than a few kisses or embraces to pass between them.

He cleared his throat and looked at her, realizing he had been lost in thought long enough for a lengthy silence to extend between them. He hadn’t even responded to her clumsy compliment about his tent. She probably thought he was ignoring her. He smiled sheepishly, but she didn’t even notice. She was too busy avoiding any type of eye contact with him. He didn’t know what to do about that.

How did they get here? Back in Kirkwall they shared a bed in each other’s arms and it wasn’t awkward in any way. It felt natural; like they had slept that way a thousand times before. Why didn’t they have that now? Did the possibility of satisfying fleshly urges really change people so much?

He almost preferred sitting in that dark cold cell back in Par Vollen to trying to figure all of this out. At least then all he had to worry about was surviving. But he was not there. He was here with a beautiful human woman and his current concern was trying to figure out a way to ease some of the tension between them.

He roamed his eyes over her; reading her body language. She wouldn’t stop being anxious unless he did something to let her know it was okay to relax. This was his tent; a place he had purposely kept her out of. Maybe she thought herself unwanted; or that he wished her elsewhere. That was not the case. He wanted her beside him every second of the day; he just had issues to work through that prevented it at times.

He noticed her boots, which were covered in melting snow, and an idea came to him. It was an intrepid one, but he decided that second not to overthink it and do it. Something had to be done to break the ice and this seemed as good an option as any. The worst she could do was stop him.

He moved forward once his mind was made up, causing her to flinch and finally look at him to see what he was doing. He paused to gaze at her a moment before sitting in front of her and grabbing one of her ankles. She tensed even more and went rigid in his hand, but didn’t stop him when he gingerly pulled her leg towards him.

“You’re getting our bed wet,” he explained simply as his fingers moved along the leather laces of her boot; loosening them so he could remove it for her.

Hawke’s stared at his moving hands with wide eyes, instantly embarrassed about making a mess of his personal space. He always kept everything so orderly. Even long ago in Kirkwall, the compound where the Qunari resided had always been kept spotless and structured. Perhaps keeping one’s surroundings pristine was a demand of the Qun. If so, Hawke would make the worst Qunari to ever exist. She never cared if there were articles of clothing scattered across the floor or a few blood stains here and there. It made her life feel more adventurous.

Ash tugged at her heel as he slid the second boot off her leg, pulling her body closer to him and her mind from her daydreams. It was then that she stopped caring about soiling the furs and became keenly aware of what he was doing. Hawke couldn't help but trail her eyes from his torso to the massive expanse of his chest.  Because Ash was a very large Qunari, her gaze went on quite a lengthy journey. With all the furs and armor he wore lately, he appeared even more bulky than normal. Hawke liked it very much. Too much. The removal of her boots would be a mundane chore in any other situation, but after denying herself for so long the simple task left her aching for more.  

Did Ash have to hold himself back the way she struggled to? She wanted to believe so, despite his obvious reservations. If he fought primal urges just as much as she, it would make the lack of intimacy easier to accept. She understood why he kept resisting, but Maker's breath; his massive body hovering over hers was causing an extreme amount of stress and desire. All she wanted to do was hook her legs around his giant waist, pull him down, and have herself the ride of her life.

Regrettably, Hawke had more willpower than that. The last thing she wanted to do was make him more uncomfortable, even if it did test her sanity.

"T-Thank you," she stuttered, barely able to get the words out. Could he tell she fought desperately to keep control? Ash had always been a very intuitive creature, so he had to know how deeply she lusted for him. There was no hiding it in moments like this. She could feel heat burning in her cheeks and her chest rising and falling faster. Those signs alone made it obvious.

Hawke wished she possessed the ability to read his mind more so now than ever.

She watched with disappointment as he moved away to place her boots alongside his at the end far of the tent. Oh how badly she wanted to launch herself at him as if it were the last time she would have the opportunity. If he would give her even the smallest hint that he was open to her affection, she would have. Unfortunately, Ash remained a stone wall as always. As it were, all she had the guts to do was hug herself for warmth and stare up at him with pleading eyes.

Ash detected her gaze before he even glanced her way. It bore into him like a searing blade and left him feeling exposed. The stories of how the Qunari came to be were varying and plenty, but they all agreed that his kind was joined with something bestial. With that animal instinct, he was able to pick up on things other races would miss, such as the rapid beat of human hearts in their fragile chests or the rush of blood surging through their veins. Not only was Hawke experiencing those things now, she also gave off a very noticeable aura. That silent communication told him she would not be opposed to him throwing himself onto her if he so desired.

And he did.

If only his head wasn’t getting in his way. He finally dared to glance in her direction after staring at nothing for an awkward amount of time and wished he could give in. The way she looked back at him was enough to destroy what little resolve he possessed. Damn the woman for being special. In any other situation, he would have laid her out a dozen times over by now.

Unfortunately, he would have to be content with their current state until he was ready for more. He snorted at himself and moved down to her side, feeling like a virginal young woman instead of a man. A beautiful female, who wanted him to attack her in the best of ways, shared his personal quarters and he was pushing her away. He had to be insane. Maybe the Tamassrans did something to his brain during one of their various torture sessions. Perhaps they purposely put these “feelings” inside of him so they could torment him for the rest of his days.

He sighed and laid back, waiting for her to join him before pulling Landion’s large, warm pelt over the top of them. Not only did it serve as a cloak to keep him warm on their journeys, it also doubled as an excellent blanket. Its thickness, combined with his abnormally warm skin, would ensure that Hawke stayed comfortable throughout the night.

She might even be warm enough to remove some of the furs strapped to her. He swallowed and stared up at the top of the dark tent, imagining that in his mind. It was true, he avoided sex, but that didn’t mean he was dead. He had yet to feel any of her bare skin; the frigid weather made sure of that. Even if he _were_ open to rolling around in a sweaty heap of limbs, the cold would prevent them from doing so. If one truly thought about it, he was safe from letting his lust get the best of him at least until they got to Skyhold. That realization made him feel quite stupid for not letting her sleep beside him all these cold evenings.

He slowly turned his head so he could stare at her shivering form through the dim light. How many nights had she laid awake, struggling to keep warm and failing? He could have prevented it, and he was an ass for not having done so. From now on, he would not be so foolish.

He reached over, pulling her close so her body nestled up against his. He didn’t wait for her reaction, instead choosing to tuck as much of the cloak around her as possible so not one inch of her body was exposed to the cool air within the tent.

Hawke lost her breath, her wayward emotions in a frenzy. His chest was warm and firm, making it even harder to keep less than innocent thoughts at bay. The kindness of the gesture spoke volumes, however, allowing her to settle against him with a smile. Despite the awkwardness between them, he cared enough to push it all aside and make sure she was comfortable. She sighed out in relief, happy to be in the one place that brought her solace these days; his arms. It wasn’t exactly what she _wanted_ to happen while in his bed, but she appreciated the boldness of his actions. It was more than he was willing to give before.

She slowly relaxed, his warmth encompassing her and the heaviness of the furs weighing down on top of them. The combination left her feeling safe and at peace, a rare thing to find with the world the way it was. The frigid winds howled outside, letting her know they were still stuck in the middle of an icy hell, but she felt none of it. Several silent minutes passed as she melted into him, her mind growing sluggish and sleepy. Hawke hadn't been this cozy since....well, since Anders. With the blink of an eye she was transported back to a time where she laid with her former lover just like this; experiencing emotions just as strongly as she did for Ash now.

The memory sent a shudder throughout her body and she tensed considerably; instantly awake again. Without thinking she pulled herself as close to her Qunari’s chest as possible, willing her brain to focus on anything else. She was surprised at how negatively the flashback caused her to react. Funny how something that once brought her comfort, now caused her to cringe and recoil.

She sighed out and loosened her death-grip some, not wanting Ash to get the wrong idea. Her sudden and fervent embrace could have easily been seen as a come on. Before he had time to protest or speak against it, she quickly reassured him. She didn’t need him asking questions. No man, human or otherwise, would appreciate a woman daydreaming about her ex while locked in his arms. "I’m sorry, I got the chills. I hate the bloody Frostbacks. Never in a million years did I think I'd miss the sticky warmth of the Free Marches.”

Ash stared down at her, his eyelids drooped and heavy. Seconds ago they were both on the verge of exhausted sleep, then something happened to bring her back to consciousness with a start. Their shared body heat left the cocoon of furs they were wrapped in very warm, so he doubted her excuse. Which of her nightmares plagued her this evening? He had laid awake at night many times being poked and prodded by his own, so he knew the signs. The mind was a cruel thing. Even when all you wanted was sleep, it sometimes kept you from it just to torture you with visions of the past.

He slid a hand up to the center of her back, hugging her to him to let her know she remained safe here in his arms. Whatever perturbed her was formidable enough to cause a physical reaction within her. He didn’t like the idea of her being ill at ease, but it made him feel warm inside knowing her first instinct was to latch onto him. It was a heavy responsibility to be a tower of strength for another person, but he accepted the job wholeheartedly. Having a title again, even an unofficial one, gave him a sense of purpose. Somehow, this one seemed more important than any he held in the past.

He smiled slightly at the thought, taking her chin in his hand and tilting it upwards so she could make out the gleam of his eyes through the darkness. “You’re a terrible liar, Hawke,” he whispered quietly, as if anyone could hear them anyway over the force of nature outside. “But fine, keep your secrets,” he added in a playful tone, not wanting her to feel obligated to express her thoughts if she did not want to.

Hawke’s breathe caught in her chest and she swallowed a lump forming in her throat. Leave it to him to call her out on her bullshit. "I'd like to think I simply take my time telling the truth," she quipped back softly, her stomach flipping at his touch. Hawke couldn't help but crack jokes even when being shown the affection she’d been craving all day. She didn’t want to turn the conversation into droll banter, however, so she swiftly changed direction before she ruined the moment. A slight pause passed between them before she felt her cheeks flush, "But my deep feelings for you are no secret, I can assure you."

The blatant openness of her confession caused Ash to take pause and stare at her quietly for several seconds. There was a sweet vulnerability in her tone as she spoke the words. It was rare for either of them to speak so plainly; both choosing to deflect most feelings with humor or by simply refusing to admit them. He wanted to kiss her more than ever in that moment, with her looking up at him with adoring eyes. Now was the perfect time to show her how much he cared and return her sentiment. But, like always, Alistair proved himself to be more trouble than he was worth. Just as Ash had made up his mind to give Hawke’s mouth a good workover, the passionate sounds of the Warden and Bethany reaching a climactic end to their lovemaking filled their tent; even with the wind as a cover.

He sighed out heavily, fed up with this almost nightly occurrence. Hawke was always the farthest away from them, so he was uncertain if she had the pleasure of listening to them go at it like beasts before tonight. Had they no dignity? Or at least the decency to keep it down? They had to know their moans, grunts, and whatever other horrendous sounds they made did _not_ go unheard.

“For fuck’s sake,” he growled out in frustration. Ash wasn’t one to use profanity very often, but this situation called for it. They completely ruined whatever passed between himself and Hawke moments ago. He couldn’t even get a kiss in without them overshadowing him; as if to prove that they were definitely better at this relationship thing than him. “Those two don’t keep _their_ feelings a secret either. In fact, they share their secret quite often with unwilling participants.”

Hawke raised an eyebrow, tilting her head in the direction of her sister's tent to discover whatever set him off. At first, the only thing she could make out were the sounds of the storm. She cursed his super Qunari hearing and nearly gave up, but then something caught her attention and she focused in on it…

…And then she heard it.

Her cheeks stained red as she realized what was happening; her eyes widening in horror. "Maker's breath! That's so embarrassing," she exclaimed with a quiet hiss, catching her face in a palm to hide her humiliation. "I sincerely apologize on the behalf of my beloved sister for her lewd behavior.”

_Damn, Bethany. No shame whatsoever._

“Something tells me she isn’t sorry in the slightest,” Ash responded dryly, wishing he owned something to stuff into his ears. No, even that wouldn’t be enough. Perhaps the headman’s axe would be a better solution. It seemed a lesser punishment than listening to Alistair have sex while Hawke laid right beside him.

Hawke scoffed then chuckled awkwardly. “No…I don’t think she is,” she agreed mindlessly, not knowing what else to say. She didn’t think there was any protocol to fall back on in this particular situation. All she could do was make a sound disgust as the noises of their lovemaking flooded her ears.

"Ugh, make it stop," she prayed, hoping the Maker would show them mercy, but it was of no use. The pair just kept going at it like they were the only two people in the universe.

Ash didn’t show sympathy, but only added to her dismay, “They don’t stop. Ever. If I didn’t know any better I’d say they were going for some sort of record.”

She giggled and hit his chest lightly, her mood lifting when he joined in with a laugh that made her weak.  Beth’s behavior didn’t really surprise her; the woman was never modest when it came to her suitors. Yet, hearing her sounds of lust, as horrifying as they were to endure, made Hawke jealous over the lack of passion in her own relationship.

Oh, how she desired what her sister and the Warden had.

The very thought of Ash being between her legs made her blood pump faster. She imagined tussling with the large beast in bed and her lower belly stirred; her body igniting like fire. When she looked back up at his grinning face, the heat only intensified. Maker’s Breath, he was beautiful. And he was all hers, sex or no sex.

Her own smile grew, creeping to the corners of her mouth as she lifted her arms to wrap around his neck. He didn't protest at all, choosing instead to slide his hand downwards to rest just above her bottom. If she didn't know any better, she might think he was resisting the urge to grab it in his giant hand. Or, maybe she just desperately wanted him to. “If we weren’t within earshot, I’d think it terribly romantic,” she confessed quietly, searching his dark eyes to catch his reaction.

He raised a brow, thankful that the sounds from the other tent had died down. It gave him and Hawke a chance to talk without the crude distraction. “Oh? How do you figure? I fail to see the romance in rutting in front of an audience.”

"Well," she started, running a few delicate fingers through his hair. "They thought they had lost each other, and they were apart for so long. Can you really blame them for wanting to make up for that lost time? Or for expressing the love they thought they would never get to share again? Perhaps they consider that more important than waiting to choose a right place and time.”

Ash pursed his lips, his hand roaming in small circles along her back as he considered her words. “No, I suppose not.”

He couldn’t really fault them when put that way. If he had to go months without Hawke, he imagined their reunion would consist of more than a few handshakes and a pat on the back. Though, with her arms around him and her hands in his hair he didn’t know if he could trust his own thoughts. If she told him the sky was yellow and the clouds purple, he would probably agree.

Hawke exhaled out softly, relieved that he was not shying away from the topic. Now that it had been brought up, it opened the door for her to inquire about their own love life. The timing never seemed appropriate before now, and the opportunity might not present itself again. “You and I could stand to be a little more...passionate," she started, choosing her words carefully, “couldn’t we? We’re both adults and… there are a lot of things couples can do without actually….you know.”

The second the words left her mouth, her stomach knotted and her heartbeat increased rapidly. Who knew how he would take her inquiry. Up until now, most of this conversation went unspoken, communicated instead with actions and a mutual understanding that he was not ready. But when would he be, if ever? How was she supposed to know if she didn’t have the guts to ask?

“Hawke. I don’t—,” he stumbled out before giving a soft, defeated sigh. He had been foolish to think she would keep quiet about things forever. And with the pair in the next tent over making their lack of sexual encounters more obvious, he figured Hawke would want to talk.

The problem was, he didn’t _want_ to divulge his reasons for being so restrained just yet. She wouldn’t understand. She would try, but unless one had lived in the Qun they would never truly know what it meant to follow it. He had been conditioned to be a certain way his entire life. It wasn’t a matter of getting over it and moving on with the snap of the fingers. Ash had to change everything he knew himself to be and figure out who he was all over again.

In many ways, he felt like a newborn babe learning the ways of the world for the first time. And romance seemed to be the most complex lesson of them all. In all of his countless sexual encounters, he never gave a shit about the person he was plunging into. They were nothing but tools to him, things to be used for his benefit. How was he supposed to feel differently with Hawke? She was expecting passion, but he didn’t know how to give it. Thus, the kissing only restriction. That was his way of keeping her separate from the ‘nothings’ of his past.

He glanced at her, swallowing hard when he met patient, expectant eyes. But, damn, it was hard. Just lying beside her with his arm draped loosely around her waist tested his restraint. Even her warm breath against his skin made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He didn’t even know what he would do with himself if she actually touched him with seductive intent. A part of him, the selfish part, wished she would stop respecting his boundaries and take what she wanted. Then she would only have herself to blame if she didn’t like his lack of emotion while they rolled around naked and sweaty.

But Hawke didn’t deserve that hanging on her shoulders.

What she did deserve, however, was an answer to her question. He didn’t have to spill all his secrets to put her mind at ease and let her know he was on the same page. All he had to do was choose the correct words to keep her happy for the time being. In the future, when he was prepared, he would have no problem giving into all of her base needs. Currently, though, he had to figure out how to make her feel wanted without making himself uncomfortable in the process. That was easier said than done. How did humans and like-creatures manage this relationship business their entire lives? It was a complicated game and he, a novice at it.

“I think… passion is something I’ll need to be shown,” he confessed after gathering his thoughts, pressing her more firmly against him so she couldn’t run away if he said something asinine. After watching Alistair bumble about for weeks, he learned that men held the potential to say the stupidest things.  “Passion wasn’t exactly taught under the Qun. When it came to sex, we took care of business then went about our day without giving it a second thought.”

Hawke figured as much, but never had the gall to pry into his past. She tried to refrain as much as possible from asking about the life he lived before. It was a sensitive subject she made sure to keep separate from the here and now. It wasn’t like she wanted Ash to start asking about Anders, so it worked out fine for her as well. Now, however, it seemed as though they’d reached a point where knowing more would've been helpful in the beginning.

Unfortunately, changing the past was impossible. All she could do was work on the way they interacted in the present. They shared a certain amount of trust, so she knew she would not rip her head off should she say or do the wrong thing. If he needed a tutorial on passion, then she would be more than happy to oblige. He appeared open to it if she were interpreting his words correctly, so there was no better time to give it a shot. He would be honest with his reaction and she would respect it, no matter which way it went.

“I can show you,” she said finally, moving her eyes back to his with a fluttering stomach. “And I can do it without giving it a second thought afterwards, if that’s what will make you comfortable. Let’s be honest, I'd let you take me right here and now. You wouldn't even have to ask. But you knew that already, didn’t you?”

The Champion didn’t care how Qunari opted to express their urges. She decided to be with him knowing full well that he was very different from her. If Ash wanted to treat her in ways that were unorthodox to her, then so be it. She wanted this man so badly, she was willing to do whatever it took to make him see that passion between them was okay; however they chose to define it.

She ran one hand down his chest then along his side, emboldened and excited by her own daring words. Hopefully, such confidence would get her point across. She even draped her leg over his and gripped his hair in her fingers to add more potency to her offer. If her transparent actions didn’t have any affect _this_ time, then Hawke was baffled as to how one went about seducing a Qunari. Maybe she needed to butt heads with him or something; not that she was willing to. Her body language would just have to do.

Maker help her get results this time.

Ash shuddered out a breath, both alarmed and aroused by having her pressed into him so provocatively. When he spoke of passion, he didn’t expect her to take him up on his words right then and there. It appeared that Bethany and Alistair’s wayward encouragement affected her more deeply than he had anticipated.

He grasped the back of her fur coat tightly in his large hand, not sure if he should pull her off of him or jerk her closer. Some of her words echoed in his head, assuming a deep influence over his thoughts.

_‘I can do it without giving it a second thought afterwards, if that’s what will make you comfortable.’_

Hawke was willing to put aside her own desires just to accommodate him. She was ready to have meaningless sex then never speak of it again just to make _him_ happy. Except… it wasn’t meaningless and he could never treat their joining as such. If he were capable of satisfying his lust with her then tossing her aside, he would have done it a long time ago. He smiled slightly and eyed her through drooped lashes. Silly, little, selfless human. If only she knew what really went through his mind, she’d never offer such a thing again.

Though…he wouldn’t tell her. Because he was stupid.

But not stupid enough to pass up on the golden opportunity bestowed upon him.

With one swift movement, he had her yanked up against his chest as close as he could get her with his lips on hers.  She gasped in his mouth, startled by his sudden display of affection, and he sighed out back into hers; happy to have her lips back on his. Two whole days has passed since he last felt them, and that was much too long.

The thrill of his actions overwhelmed Hawke. She instinctively pulled herself closer to deepen the kiss, though she was unsure how she managed to move an inch within his crushing embrace. In the heat of passion she gripped a generous portion of his silvery mane and latched on even tighter. His enormous hands forcing her into a kiss that some would deem aggressive was like a fantasy come true for her. Hawke didn't care one bit. This was all she ever wanted and it felt like ages since they had come together like this. What made it even more exhilarating was that Ash initiated it. It was he that made the first move.

Hawke kept her word and let him do as he pleased.

And what he pleased, was to devour Hawke’s mouth until they were both breathless and frazzled. His lips took hers as if it would be the last kiss they would ever share and his hands roamed along her sides, seeking skin that was frustratingly covered with thick furs.

Ash confused himself. This was what he wanted, but he kept fighting it; as if giving in would somehow end the world. What was his damn problem? In heated moments such as this, it was hard to remember why he struggled so hard to resist. But remember he did. And that nagging hesitancy would stay at the back of his mind no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to at least _try_ to throw caution to the wind. If he were going to battle himself, he may as well make it a good one. Right now, it was time for his more primal instincts to strike back against the tyranny of his overthinking brain.

He pushed all thoughts away, refocusing his attention to Hawke. They were still locked in a heated kiss, and she tore at him just as hungrily as he did her. Her eagerness was proof he had been torturing her with all of his back and forth nonsense. He was a tease without even meaning to be.

Well he wasn’t teasing now. He pushed her back into their fur bed and positioned himself semi on top of her, giving his pesky horns freedom and his hands more room to roam. Having her petite form subdued beneath him only intensified the excitement rushing through him, causing his breathy kisses to take on a more desperate nature.

Hawke lifted a leg to wrap around his hip, her own grinding against him without her realizing it. Her fingers traveled up his scalp to the base of his massive horns. The urge to have her hands on them overpowered her and she gripped them tight, clinging onto them for dear life. She wanted to touch anything and everything. Maker, there was a lot of him.

“Ash,” she gasped out tempestuously in between kisses, her entire body now filled with burning desire.

His mouth grew more fervent against hers and Hawke exhaled a sweet moan past his ravenous lips. He growled out deep in his lungs and the purr trembled against her chest. The husky vibration made her nether region explode in tingles and she struggled to catch her breath as the situation took an arousing turn.

Ash couldn’t resist a second longer. He had to feel her skin, even if it was only a small portion. The bear cloak around them and the extra body heat radiating off of him would be enough to keep the chilled drafts from reaching her. He breathed out huskily, leaning his mouth away from hers to concentrate on pulling her outer jacket open. His fingers were hasty as they fumbled with the material, but eventually it opened…

…revealing only more furs.

_Curse the cold weather!_

He didn’t know how many layers she had on, but they were no match for him. Instead of trying to fight his way through, he changed tactics, slipping a massive hand underneath every fur strapped to her upper half at once. When his skin met the warm flesh she had been keeping hidden from him, a shiver ran down his spine. His fingers roamed along it, pushing their way upwards along her stomach then ribs. He stared down at her eyes, his own smoldering and dark as he slid his hand up and over the softness of her breast. He felt no shame putting his hand on her as if he owned her. She was his. She had said so herself.

Hawke groaned and squirmed beneath his fingers; her pulse pounding in her throat and her eyes locked on his. Before her brain could even begin to process one of his hands on her body, the other quickly found its way under her clothing and explored as well. They were massive and rough, consuming and covering her with very little effort. The gentleness of his touch, however, surprised her and made her heart swell.

Ash was well aware of his own strength, yet he chose to forgo that power and treat her tenderly. She was not the Qunari women he was used to. He could easily crush her if he treated her as such. It wouldn’t take much for him to completely destroy her, and that thrilled her to no end. Never before had she felt so small and delicate. For the first time in her life, Hawke was fragile. That should have intimidated her, but it didn’t.

She welcomed everything Ash had to offer. Her Qunari could take whatever he wanted and she would not stop him.

But would he?

Her thoughts were spiraling and she didn’t know what to do. One thing was for certain; she was far past wanting him. Hawke needed him. Her breathing turned into throaty pants as he continued to fondle her with his enormous palms. She dug her nails into his shoulders and tried to pull him closer, but it was like trying to move a mountain.

“Give me your mouth again,” she moaned out in frustration, still tugging on him to no avail.

Ash was more than happy to fulfill her request. He shoved his lips back to hers, completely swallowed whole by hunger for her that stunned even him. Holding back for so long left both of them spiraling out of control, a dangerous thing for a former Qunari who had centered his entire life on restraint.

He pushed his hands to more daring places as their tongues danced and tangled, roaming them along her hips and still clothed backside. She felt better than anything he had ever touched before, even with the furs still keeping most of her body from him. Though the thought was blasphemous to everything he had ever known, he wished in that moment he was a Saarebas so he could shroud them in a magical shield of warmth. He would melt all the snow around them and protect her from the frigid storm, so it would not be impossible to uncover every inch of her for his viewing pleasure.

Regrettably, he was not a practitioner of magic as her previous lover had been. He would not risk her safety for his own base needs, but he wanted to. Oh, how badly he wanted to. For now, however, he would have to settle for touching her beneath her protective clothing. There would be time for more later, when their environment was more suitable for such things. He hoped.

His large hand slipped beneath the hem of her trousers before pushing along the softness of her bottom. The skin was cold to the touch and covered in goosebumps, though he was unsure if the latter was due to the cold or his wandering fingers. “Do you like my hands on you, Kadan?” His voice was raspy and breathless, his tone heated and filled with longing. 

“Kadan?” she repeated in a murmur, her head swimming so heavily she was barely able to carry on a conversation.  She had heard the Arishok speak Qunlat many times since she had met him, but could not recall ever hearing that word in particular. The way he said it, all husky and tender, made her think it wouldn’t be something he would say in front of his army anyway. And that send shivers down her spine. “What does that mean?”

Ash brought his eyes up to meet hers, letting them linger there for several seconds as he pondered the gravity of such a word. To his people, it was reserved for those you were particularly fond of. He hadn’t intentionally used it; it more slipped from his tongue without thought or hesitation. One was more likely to let hidden things slip when their guard was down, so did that mean he really did think of her that way? If so, he hadn’t realized his affections for her had grown so deep.

Should he tell her its meaning?  The expectant look spread across her lovely, flushed face made him want to. Were either of them ready for such confessions of the heart? Or perhaps it was not as big a deal as his mind was making it. He didn’t know anymore. The Qun was no longer a part of his life, so did such a word even matter? Was it as meaningless as the rest of the teachings he had spent most of his life believing in? Until he understood this, it was probably best to keep his feelings to himself. He cleared his throat and allowed a slight smile to settle on the curve of his lips. “Perhaps I will tell you one day,” he whispered mischievously before bringing his mouth down to touch it gently to hers. It was a distraction, yes, but it seemed to work. She didn’t pull away from him, but only tightened her hold and pushed her lips more deeply against his.

_Kadan._ The word swam in Hawke’s mind while she took in the taste of his mouth and slid her fingers along the back of his shoulders. She wanted him to tell her, felt as if she needed to hear it, but would not push the subject. Not now; now when they had finally crossed over into more intimate territory. Ash was finally letting loose a little and giving into the feelings she knew they shared. It was unfortunate he decided to do so when they were in the middle of a frozen wasteland instead of a warm, comfortable bed, but she would take what she could get. It didn’t really matter where they were, she was happy just being in his arms and having his mouth on her. It was strange and exciting; forbidden and sultry. She never imagined she would end up beneath a massive Qunari, especially not this particular one, but it felt right; more than anything had in a long time.

So right, she didn’t want to deny her feelings any longer. She didn’t want to continue stepping lightly around her sister and Alistair. She didn’t even care if all of Skyhold saw her in a steamy embrace with Ash once they were there. Maybe his kisses were muddling her brain, but she just didn’t care anymore. She wanted this with him. She wanted _more_ than this with him if she were really honest with herself. There was no conceivable reason in her brain to continue holding back. Yes, Ash was skittish about the whole thing, but maybe all he needed was for her to take the lead and show him that it was okay. Once he knew nothing bad was going to happen, he would see their relationship was a good thing that didn’t need to be hidden from the world. Fuck the world, anyway. What had it even given either of them besides misery and heartache?

No, it was time Hawke started making her _own_ happiness, and right now happy for her meant Ash.

“I want you,” she blurted out in between kisses before she could stop herself. And, because she was Hawke, she didn’t stop there. She had to keep rambling on. “I want all of you right now, under your ridiculous amount of furs on this stupid, barren mountain. I want your hands and mouth on all of me. I want…you inside of me.”

If he didn’t get the hint after that, then there really was no hope for this man.

Her words froze him in his tracks, a feat even the icy storm hadn’t been able to accomplish. He ceased moving, stopped kissing her, and even stilled his wandering hands from venturing further. He didn’t pull away though, a good sign. He just hovered over her in silence with his dark eyes locked on hers. She had never been able to read his expressions very well, but this time she saw deep emotion in his gaze for the first time. It sent a flood of tingles throughout her body in response. Also a good sign. Now if he would only say something instead of staring at her, that would be great. Or, he could just pin her down and respond with his body. She would not be opposed to such a thing.

“Hawke, I…” he whispered finally, causing her breath to hitch in her throat. She wanted him to say yes so badly it hurt. That in itself frightened her. How could she want another person so deeply, so soon? She could only hope he wanted her just as much. If the way he touched and kissed her were any indication, he did. All he needed to do now was take her hand and jump with her.

(To be continued...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After so much waiting we all grew cobwebs, we are so soooo happy to have gotten another chapter up. We hope it was worth the wait and we are sorry, not sorry, for leaving it on such a cliffhanger. But really, we sort of live to torture you all. Yes, we are sadists. Sue us. 
> 
> Will Ash and Hawke finally do the boom boom, much like this steamy art from TheChampion04 indicates? Or are we just teasing you like horrible, nasty writers? You'll have to wait to find out! Muahaha! 
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> To see more of TheChampion04's art, click [HERE](http://clarice04.deviantart.com/)
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